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Old 01-07-2009, 03:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Should I date an alcoholic

I used to date 15 years ago a recovering alcoholic. Our relationship broke off, because she fell off the wagon, went to inpatient treatment far away and then moved. I got married to someone else eventually and we lost contact. I am now divorced. I have rekindled the friendship I have with the A. She has been sover for 8 months since her last relapse and says we can't date until it has been 12 months at the advice of her sponsor. Even in our friendship, however, I have seen signs that suggest to me she has problems relating to others which may be from her alcoholism and/or other things in her background. She has, for example, accused me of not caring about her as I did not maintain contact when I was married to someone else. She accused me of not caring about her, though I have gotten her out of jail in the past, visited her in inpatient facilities hundreds of miles away, taken care of her pets while in treatment, etc. She has at times not called me back when she said she would and when I have asked her about it, she had gotten angry and accused me of being her "parole officer". She invited me to a holiday party with her family and then when I went she spent no time with me, more or less dropping me at the door and leaving me in the awkward position of socializing alone with people I did not know. I like her and we have things in common. I consider her very attractive, but she just does things which socially I would just not do such as the above. My question is: does a long history of alcoholism in a woman make her just damaged goods and effect her ability to interact socially with a friend or date in an appropriate way. Is it worth the effort or should I just move on?
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Old 01-07-2009, 06:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Based on your info I would probably advise against this. It sounds like she carries baggage regardless of whether she's drunk or sober. I'm not saying having baggage is necessarily a bad thing; we all have it in some form or fashion. But, one's baggage shouldn't be pushed onto others, as it sounds like she does to you. I'd say unless she's willing to change mentally/emotionally, and ease up on you; I woudn't go for it. At this point it sounds like all that's going for you in this is that she is attractive. Good looks are good but you need a good personality to.
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Old 01-07-2009, 07:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Old 01-07-2009, 07:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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"Run like the wind".

Couldn't of said that better myself. Short, sweet and directly to the point.
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Old 01-07-2009, 07:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I don't think the fact that she is an alcoholic has anything to with the behaivor you describe. I believe that alcoholics on a whole are a more caring understanding bunch than the rest of the population in general. We tend to have done more inward thinking than others and therefore have a better understanding of how our actions effect others. That being said, you should probably just move on.
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Old 01-07-2009, 08:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I was basically going to say what Brian said. Forget the alcohol factor for a minute. Go back and read your post, pretending that someone else wrote it and was asking you what you thought. What would you say to them?


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Old 01-07-2009, 09:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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frame 31,
if I remember correctly the "Big Book" mentions " our liquor was but a symptom. We had to get down to causes and conditions".
There is a lot of difference between just not drinking, or using, and changing the way we are as people....I know folks who have been sober decades and they are some of the most miserable people I have ever run across! Note though, most of them are not that way. Most are really WORKING a program. We change who we were into who we are as we journey through recovery. If she is not drinking or using and claiming to be in recovery(?), then she has not progressed much at all. It's about how we change inside...the outside, for all intents and purposes, is irrelevant. Actions not words! Do not be deceived by what you may want to see.....There is pain and trouble in her. She has a long way to go, it's her journey not yours. Move on, live your life, free from the burden of someone who appears unable or unwilling to change.
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Old 01-07-2009, 10:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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nocoincidence56....what a wonderful post and how very very true.


frame31....i dont really like to comment on someones recovery or sobriety through a third party maybe she could post on here if she appears to have problems and would like support and advice.

What i would say and already has been very well put across is...
There is a very big diffence between being sober and being in recovery..imo
In my case...once the alcohol or lets say the "symptom" was removed i was left with a very sick person.
And i needed to do something other than stopping drinking to be a functional...happy...content person....and for me and only me.. i found that with AA......twelve step program....and god..then and only then i slowly truly recover.

Rather like.....if i get a puncture in my car...i can get the puncture patched.
But If i dont fully inflate the tire again im left with a very uncomfortable ride!!!

If i stop doing meetings..........stop knitting the steps in my life..........stop having conversation with the boss....which ive done for a short period..
I start to be a royal pain in the backside and very difficult to be around.

I wish you luck with your decision....and for the future.........trucker
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Old 01-08-2009, 04:28 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I'd not get involved right now - just to be safe. Give her time to gain more sobriety and see what happens.
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