Broken...

[Jules62]

Tonight just did it for me.No excuses.No ‘reasons’.

I thought I’d done so well.8 months-longest I’d ever gone sober since admitting I’m an alcoholic.

But I broke from the inside out tonight and I just can’t seem to think of a reason to find my way back right now.

My mother e mailed me earlier today.She’s an alcoholic too-but never admitted it.

I have a history of being abused by her.It’s long and complicated and well-doesn’t matter anyway. She decided to choose today to tell me some things about my past that I just couldn’t handle.I’m not sure if she was drunk when she decided to do it-but it doesn’t matter.It hit home anyway and hard. I always felt so unwanted.Now I know why.Wow.I just cannot get my head around it.I can't.

I was doing so well.I was given 7 bottles of wine this Christmas from business clients.I hadn’t touched one-or even wanted to-until tonight. More fool me for thinking I was stronger than they are. I’m not.

I’m not special I know others here have suffered more than me.I am not whining or wanting sympathy-it’s never been my thing.But I feel like such a fkn hypocrite right now-given I’ve recently confronted a friend here about his relapsing.I have no leg to stand on and am frankly-expecting a beating.

It’d be fair enough.I just have to be honest though.

What my mother told me tonight was devastating-shook me to the core and while I have forgiven her much over the years-this?I can’t.It makes me want to just die(I won’t kill myself-promise-but that’s how I feel.I know the difference between feelings and reality.) I’m just reeling from a very hard truth and I’m not sure I can deal with it.

But yes-Im broken from the inside out and I’m drinking.And I’m hating her for it even though I know it’s ultimately my choice to be here drinking. I’m blaming her and I know it’s wrong .I know it’s up to me and I’ve failed.I cannot face this.It’s just too damn hard and I’ve done everything I could think of to make it better….to not be defeated.And tonight? I am.

For me?I just feel like my life dissolved and I don’t even know who I am anymore.I’m more than lost.I’m just….devastated.To the center of my being.I'm so lost.

I apologise to all who believed in me.I just can’t keep going like I was.

Jules

[Dee74]

I don't know what to say Jules except that you're my friend and I love you. You pulled me out of the fire of the 'what the fk is the points' more than once - I know you have the stuff to do it for yourself.

You're worth it. If you can't see that right now, I get it - I hope maybe seeing the support I know you'll get here will help.

You're loved. Youve given a lot to SR since you've been here - nothing in this post changes that.

You're my best friend too - that stays the same as well
D

[doorknob]

[stone]

I can't imagine what she said to you but it must have been bad Jules, I am so sorry for the pain she has caused you. You are a warm and caring friend and I hate to see you in pain.

You drinking tonight needn't be a big deal if you nip it in the bud. You have 8 months of sober momentum right now, please stay committed and save yourself months of pain.

[IO Storm]

Jules..

Thank you for telling us you are trying to numb out. Even though you are drinking,

that still took a lot of courage..and the pain must be staggering.

Because for you to have folded has to have been something devastating, and

seemingly unbearable to you at this moment.

I pray God will wrap you in a blanket of love, Jules..and watch over you..

and help you to lay it down, and rest soon.

And get help with this thing. I am so sorry...so very sorry you are hurting like

this. I'm not going to say much else..except, you know the booze wears off soon

enough. The short term fix never lasts long enough. And will demand to be fed.

Just know I care...and will pray for you with all my heart tonight.

Love,

Sher

[mxchaos]

From personal experience drinking never help just numbed me for a few hours when I sobered up I still had to deal with my emotions. I need help with this so I found a therapist and he's helped me sort out my feelings and taught me to deal with them without drinking.

8 months is a good amount of time to be sober try to remember how good that felt and dump the wine.

one day at a time
you can deal with this

[All About Love]

Brainfried
I've seen you post since you came here a little while ago.I know you're headed for rehab soon and I just wanted to say I'm really proud of you.

When you first came here you were all over the place-LOL....but look at what you've done?I've seen your lovely posts to Least and others and your spirit is one of someone trying so hard and I just wanted to acknowlege that and say I'm really proud of you.

You've had a tough road but you're doing everything you can to heal and that's impressive,

So-kudos to you.I sincerely wish you well in your recovery,

(I know-you so didn't expect this from me-LOL)

Love,

Julesxox
__________remember this hun?

you are a spcial spirit with a capacity for great love & though you may not feel it now, forgiveness also
Remember out of the wolves that are within us & represent all that our addictions are, the one that will win is the one we feed.

when you put the wine away all that you are not wanting to feel will still be there my girl, & i say this with an immense amount of love & respect.
you have taught me so much about the woman i am, you may not know or recognise this, you have had an immense impact on me though.
please jules put the wine down, down out of your hand, down the drain...
pour it out along with all your grief right now.
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU, please dont forget this.

Pick up the phone, get someone, anyone to your home to help you get back, you are not so far into it that you cant pick up where you left off with being sober, you are still there...that much is obvious, nuture the little girl inside you that is screaming so for love & acceptance.
I love you so much, it pains me to hear your agony, i wish i was in new zealand cos i would come to you myself to give you support.
I am not though BUT i do come here to give support aswell as recieve it & you can count on me to walk with you beside you if you desire it.
i know that what you are doing isnt what you want to be doing,
your pain is great, we all understand that, we are all broken people, please Jules dont hurt your beautiful self anymore.

xxooo

[Impurrfect]

(((Jules)))

I'm sorry you're struggling, but I'm sending you big hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Anodyne]

How did something she told you change anything at all about your life save for how you viewed it?

[ananda]

Just keep coming back jules. Everyone will still be here loving you.


Thats what friends do.

[CarolD]

Prayers for your healing and peace coming your way...

[All About Love]

you know who your friends are hun...

keep this in mind an leave the rest behind

[Jadmack25]

Jules What a shocking time you are having and Oh, how I wish all of your many pals at SR could magically appear beside you, giving you our real hugs.

You wrote, "I have a history of being abused by her.It’s long and complicated and well-doesn’t matter anyway. She decided to choose today to tell me some things about my past that I just couldn’t handle.I’m not sure if she was drunk when she decided to do it-but it doesn’t matter.It hit home anyway and hard. I always felt so unwanted.Now I know why.Wow.I just cannot get my head around it.I can't.

Her abuse of you has been hard to take, but this is the hardest ever for you to cope with. It must have been a real doozy to hit you so badly, but at least it is now out in the open for you. It gives you the reason why you have felt unwanted for so long and please God, will let you stop wondering "why" you felt this. Now you know and she has fired the last shot from her vicious and abusive gun, the one she has fired over the years at you. Now she has no more bullets to fire, she has used her last one, and it has injured you very badly. But she hasn't killed YOU, only wounded you a bit more than in the past.

You survived all the past pain and abuse and showed yourself that you can make your life a good one without drinking, so look on this relapse as a temporary hiccup and start to get back to how you have been and want to be in your life.

Later on maybe you can email her back, and say "thanks for telling me the truth and clearing up something for me at last". If she got pleasure from sending her rotten email, a reply of thanks should knock her off her pleasure trip, and it may even bug her.

Don't let the actions of someone who isn't on your side, drag you down from where you fought so hard to get to. You have love and support from so many who are totally with you all the way.

My prayers are on their way to you, my dear Kiwi next door neighbour.

God bless you

[Rowan]

I'm so sorry, Jules. It's all been said, above. I just wanted to let you know that I will be thinking of you, and sending you strength and prayers to put down the bottle and to begin again. Allow yourself to grieve, hon.

[Bamboozle]

Hello, Jules. You said you feel like a hypocrite...that's not the way I see it. You're a human being...not a robot.

The progress you made still counts. I hope you can find someone who can help you through this.

[51anna]

Jules, if you can, use your boundaries. Your mother said something very hurtful to you, but you can choose whether or not you will carry that with you, or let it go.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Pelican]

Jules

You are an asset to the SR family.
Please know that you are loved here.
You are respected here.
You are wanted here.

Peace and hugs to you

[least]

I love you dear Jules. Your slip won't change that. I'm sorry you're in such pain right now. Please call someone, get someone to be with you and help you, if at all possible. We are all here for you, don't forget that. And you're not a hypocrite - you're a feeling hurting human being. I love you and that's forever. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Pick yourself up and start over again. You can do it.

[gypsytears]

Jules I am so sorry that you're hurting . You are a wonderfully supportive friend, incredibly strong woman, funny as hell, caring, tough when need be, outspoken... just amazing. You are NOT your mother's words and abuse. You are affected right now I know, but when you stop and really think about it, you are still the person I know you've been working hard to become. Don't let what she said drag you down to her level. 8 months is nothing that can be erased and you will build it back up again. With love and support. I'm here for you... I think you can see there are a lot of people that care here.

Please give yourself a chance to see past this hun... pour the wine down the drain, cry a bit and take Merlin for a walk.

{{{Hugs}}}

[Horselover]

Dear Jules - Dear, dear, dear Jules. I am sorry to have read this this morning and I am SO sorry it happened to you. You know the kind of friends you've made here and that couldn't have happened if you were any other person other then Jules. Jules is warm, caring, supportive and there when she's needed. I hope we can all be there for you. I pray that you listen to everyone and dust yourself off and pick yourself back up. As someone very wise here said, she's done the worst to you and has no further ammunition. Love you Jules!! Love you Jules!! By the way, Love you Jules. (((Jules))) Wish you lived closer, but I have said that how many times! Please let us know how you are today.

[stone]

Originally Posted by All About Love

nuture the little girl inside you that is screaming so for love & acceptance.

I think this is important, having been abused myself I think we are left with that little kid inside of ourselves still hurting, still needing nurturing it never got...it is our job to love that little kid and look after it. I think it is great advice, I will start to do it again.
If you can relate then please try to do the same.

[parentrecovers]

hey jules,

forgiveness is tough. please be kind to yourself today. and please try to be patient with your mother, in good time, as it sounds like she must suffer too.

as others have said, you are not what your mother says.

if you can call on a friend close, do so. and if you're not not strong enough yourself today to dump the booze on your own, please ask them to do so?

whatever happened in the past is not worth killing yourself over today, my friend. it's just that - the past.

hugs and support. and extra prayers. k

[tanyapmc]

Hi Jules. I'm so very sorry that your hurting so badly. I don't know what she told you but try to remember that your an adult now, not a child that she can abuse. (I say that for myself too). Put the drink down. I know that is easier said than done. You are a bright spot here on SR and I need you here and sober. Your a special lady Jules. I love ya!

[Jomey]

Hey Jules - Just wanted to say that I have complete faith that you can turn this around right now, get back on track, and remain the sober, beautiful, committed, reliable friend you have always been. Our parents have an incredible power to wound us. My own experience tells me it's impossible to shrug off this kind of wounding, but we can grieve over it, process it, and let it go, and we can stay sober. Just wish it wasn't so dam hard for you right now sweetheart. Big hugs and love from a mama who thinks you are all that! Jomey

[desertdonna]

Ah, Jules sweetie, you've done nothing wrong, and I'm so sorry you're in so much pain right now. It might not feel like it, but you've already begun the healing journey by coming here and spilling. So ditch the remaining wine and take care of you right now.

You're not losing your eight months, they taught you a great deal and will be with you from this day forward. There are no comparisons, or measurements that can be taken for any of us.

Take love and support from wherever you can, because you are loved and so many support you. Sometimes we must take it on credit when others mirror back our magnificence until we can see and feel it for ourselves.

Wrapping my arms around you, lady.



Donna