Broken...

[All About Love]

Originally Posted by parentrecovers

stop by for me, dee, would ya?

just chuck me in a suitcase too guys i dont weigh much!!!


good on ya jules, your going to be okay hun!!!
thanks for checking in and its great to hear your view on it this morning!
just pik up that phone all will be okay.

p.s. give merlin a cuddle for me!
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[grateful2b]

(((Jules)))



This will be us.....doing the silly grin..... when you are feeling better....

[gypsytears]

I hope you feel the love here Jules. If not.. I'm coming over there too .

* no bricks.

[Jules62]

Thank you all so much for your words of love and wisdom here.

I've been re-reading this thread on and off all day.It's been hard for me to process so much love in the face of the hatred and anger my mother sent my way last night.But if nothing else, I do know love when I experience it, and you have all been so generous with yours.My rather shattered heart-thanks yours.

I want to mention so many of your posts but I'm always reticient to do this in case I leave someone out and they feel hurt.So please just know every one of you touched in me in some way today-even if I dont mention your name.I'm really feeling very blank in a way today and shakey on the inside if you know what I mean.But better than last night, that's for sure.

When I woke up this morning it was with the thought that either I could just keep drinking till I died(I didn't care at that point), never return to SR and just, well, leave the planet.It wasn't anywhere near as dramatic as it sounds here.I felt dead inside.Nothing.Not emotional-just full of despair.

I made myself get out of bed, and I sat on my deck and looked at the sky and wondered if I'd ever feel peaceful again and was it too much to ask really? It's been so elusive, even when I've been sober for a while and I've tried so damn hard to stay that way.It all felt worthless.

I got on my computer and logged in here.I fully expected little response to my post.I expected criticism.I don't think much of myself today, and then I sat here reading all your posts and cried like a baby. I am not used to this kind of love or acceptance.I didn't know what to do with it.

I sat here thinking-'wisdom and love'-that's what you all offered me, and I needed, and still need, both.

So-a few mentions...

Dee-your constant encouragement, support and friendship mean the world to me.I love you dearly.

DK-love you bro.Yo-and all that rap stuff-lol

Sherry-when you pray, God listens.You reached a part of me I thought was lost to me last night.Thank you my friend.

Stoney-I think you have the biggest heart.Thank you for your compassion and for your care.You have unknown qualities that just shine at times like this.You are what my father calls 'a good man.' He should know.He is one too.Love you.

Nikki-what a love you are.I honestly didn't know I'd made that much of an impact on you and your post made me cry, in a good way.You are a dear soul.Thank you for everything you said.

Jadmack-I don't even know you but your post hit right to the core of me.It was so insightful and it was after reading your words that I started to see things slightly differently.Thank you so very much.I'm still very hurt-but I do see now that this was truly the last thing she could ever abuse me with.There's nothing else left.Your wisdom is appreciated more than you know.Im so glad you're here at SR.

Ro-you've been with me from the beginning and I wouldn't be here now if not for you.I am always grateful to you.Always.

Anna-you always make so much sense, and you do it in such a gentle way.Thank you too.I have struggled for a long time with boundaries with my mother.I doubt I'll be talking to her for a while yet now,.I need to look after myself more.

Pelican-you're just a doll.Thank you.I think you're special too.

Gyps-no bricks?I'm disappointed (not really) Your comment that what my mother says about me is not who I am, hit home too.Thank you.You never gave up on me even when I did.I love you.

Least-you are the gift that keeps on giving here at SR.You just never give up and you really are inspiring.Thank you for your love and support.

Sarah-Your love and friendship has seen me through some really rough times this past year.and here you are again still doing it.You are such a dear friend, always in my corner.It means the world to me.

k-I wish you were my mom.It's that simple. I think the world of you.

Tanya-one of my favourite idiots.Thank you for reminding me that the child I was is not who I am.I so needed to hear that.You're right.I think I need some help in growing up though.How unusual for an alkie eh Thank you for your insight.Love you.

Jomey-I wish I knew you better.Your post really touched me and I'm always so impressed at how you get to the heart of things.You are a very loving soul and I see it whenever you post.Thank you for comforting me when I needed it most.

Desertdonna-I don't know you very well at all but I am so grateful to you for all you said here.Consider me a friend

Toomuch-you have such a gentleness about you.Thank you for sending it my way.I needed it today.I'm blessed by you.

Trish-I just love you.You're very 'tell it like it is' too-and I admire that.But you are so much more too.You have the most giving heart.Thank you.

Joanie-If I took the time to describe what a constant source of love and support you've been to me also it'd be an essay.Just know your post today touched me deeply.Thank you.Maybe I can stop hating myself now?I love you very much.Always.

Astro-I think you're right about this being bottom and thank you for still believing in me.I needed to hear that from someone this morning.God bless you.

Lenina-you have reached out to me many times here.Thank you for your kindness and for not giving up on me.You are a genuine, loving soul.I'm so grateful.

Trying so hard, Ananda, Carol, grateful2b, James13....heck-anyone else I've missed-just know I am so appreciative of your thoughts and love.Some of you even made me smile today which I never thought I'd do.

I am still in a lot of pain, but I don't feel quite so lost anymore.It's going to take some time I think.This isn't something you recover from overnight but I will recover.I want to heal and not be bitter.

The wine bottles are gone btw.I tipped them out.As much as I want an escape from feeling like this, I know now I'll never find it there and I don't think I'd have known this fully, if it wasnt for all of you.

God bless you all for what you did for me today.You may not realise it, but you came very close to qualifying as saving my life this morning.

You have my love,

Julesxox

[Lenina]

{{{{{Jules}}}}}

Much love to you. I don't know if we'd get along without you here! I'm glad you can feel the love and respect from all of us.

If you want to talk about it, you can PM me. My family is nuts and it took me years to detach from the insanity. My friends are my family now and as you can tell, you have lots of friends here.

Love,

Lenina

[Jules62]

Thank you Lenina. I will pm you sometime.It's just all a bit too raw to talk about yet but your point about friends being family makes so much sense to me right now.

I also just wanted to add-to all of you who pm'd me today-thank you.I just don't have it in me to respond to everyone just yet, but know I was and am truly grateful.

Julesxox

[Mariposa18]

Jules~ I don't know you, I"m pretty new around here, but I just wanted to wish you well. I hope the healing begins for and you are able to feel peace again =) Take care Sweetie

[Aysha]

You know Jules..You are one tough, strong, intelligent,caring, funny woman.
And I like to think alot of life's experiences. Whether they be good or bad are what makes us the way we are today.
Kinda like what doesnt kill us makes us stronger.
For what you must have gone through. Not only from your mother or anyone else. But what we as addicts/alcoholics do to ourselves too.
You are still here..Trying..fighting. And you turned out pretty awesome in my eyes.
You rock lady.
I am glad you dumped the rest of that crap.
I know it will take time to get back to "normal".
Be patient with yourself. Take it easy.
You know we are always here for you. And never here to judge.

[gypsytears]

Sending some healing energy your way Jules. No response needed. Just feel better .

[coffeenut]

Hey, Jules...I'm relatively new here...and feel cheated that I don't know you better! You are obviously a well respected person here.

My best wishes to you right now, as you sort through your feelings.

Thank you for posting this. It really shows how valuable SR is...to all of us.

Feel better. :x

[Jules62]

Trish-you just made my night with your post.Thank you.For a long time I promised myself I wouldn't ever turn out like my mother.I've worked so hard to forgive, to have compassion, to try to love well-unlike her.

I ended up an alcoholic like her, but I so don't want to hate anyone.I want to be better than that and heal.

Just....thank you for seeing who I think I am and am trying to be.

Love you,

Julesxox

P,S Love you too Gyps

[Jules62]

Coffenut-thank you for your kind words too.I hope to get you know you better.(don't feel cheated!) Glad you're here with us too-SR is a haven of support-as you've just seen

God bless,

Julesxox

P.S thank you too Mariposa!

[All About Love]

jules your a sweety, well done girl for pouring the wine out

xxxx

[stone]

So glad you poured it out Jules.

I know you are still in pain but I have a feeling you are going to move on from this a stronger person. What happened in the past isn't happening now, you are safe now.

[IO Storm]

My prayers? Answered..you poured it out Jules. Thank God!

And you're posting..and still reaching out.

I'm not stopping the praying..asking for comfort during

this "grieving" and for the healing that will come soon.. sweetie.

I'm so darn proud of you today.

Say this to yourself..it is truth.

"I am loved."

[Jules62]

Thank you-Nikki, Stoney, Sherry....I'm off to bed soon-I'm exhausted.But I'm taking all your thoughts and prayers with me.They mean everything right now,

Love and hugs,

Julesxox

[IO Storm]

Night Jules...

You are loved

I do.

[Jules62]

Ty Sherry.Night hun

[parentrecovers]

peace to ya, jules. i knew you'd pour that wine out

[Anna]

Good for you, Jules!

[least]

[Astro]

Originally Posted by Jules62

For a long time I promised myself I wouldn't ever turn out like my mother.I've worked so hard to forgive, to have compassion, to try to love well-unlike her.

I ended up an alcoholic like her, but I so don't want to hate anyone.I want to be better than that and heal.

I guess I turned out just like my father for many years, I showed love with jealousy, anger, and so many other character defects. Thank God my program of recovery gave me a solution, a better way to live my life.

Dad still visits once a week. He doesn't change much, still bitter, pessimistic, depressed. And I've finally learned that I can't change him. But I can detach with love, and practice a little tolerance. I still love the old guy in spite of his defects, that's not my inventory to take and gather resentments over.

Prayers going out for you Jules, I'm glad you're with us this morning, always happy for people like you who make the decision to stay on this planet. Hope you get some good rest.

[IO Storm]

[Jomey]

Jomey-I wish I knew you better.

Same goes both ways Jules....and we are settling in for a huge ice/snow storm here - kids came home from school early already () and the storm hasn't even started yet. As long as the power is on, I am looking forward to hanging around here at SR, so pm me, post, whatever, I'll catch up with you. Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

I gotta tell you, Jules, a part of me rejoices everytime another "kid" overcomes a wound inflicted by an addict parent. Not out of spite or ugliness toward the parent, but out of pure joy that another person found their way toward the light of being who they are, seeing themselves for the whole, true, beautiful person they are, and refusing to look for their own reflection in the twisted mirror of the eyes of an addicted parent.

I am so proud of you!

[nogard]

((((((((Jules)))))))))) I thought I knew everything when I got clean and after nearly 4 years clean I realise I know so little about life, what I know is that we need to look after ourselves and I have to learn how to do that, relaspse has been part of my journey and thats how it was, what was not ok was that relapse isolated me for 11 years and nearly killed me.

Stay close to to SR and any other support you have Jules.

Thinking of you.

Kevin