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Old 09-08-2008, 08:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I hate being sober right now

I’m sorry.I just do. I also feel guilty even making this post.I’ve received so much support and affirmation here lately and it feels selfish to be here asking for help again.But-I just desperately need it.

I woke up this morning with this huge, ineffable sadness and it just won’t go away.I am not a crier.It’s so rare for me but I just couldn’t stop.I’d sit here at my PC and the tears just wouldn’t stop coming no matter what I told myself. ‘Stop it already-you’re fine!’ ‘Grow the hell up-what are you even crying about?’ And that’s the thing-I DON’T EVEN KNOW!

I can’t tell you why I’m sad but my body sure as hell doen’t want me to stop and I hate it.I just hate it.

After two hours of this I thought-okay-pull yourself together.Go up the road to the local shops and get the stuff you need for dinner tonight.So I had to stop crying and make myself ok.I was fine in the car.I got to the supermarket-got what I needed then went to the checkout counter.

There is a lovely woman I usually chat with there on the counter and I’m feeling happy to see her.Till she says ‘Hi Jules-how are you today?You look a bit stressed honey’….and eff it-I just broke down.In public no less.I’d rather walk over hot coals or be ….well-let’s not even go there-LOL.I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.She was so kind to me and that just made it even worse.I just wanted to crawl under a rock somewhere and hide.

I drove home and wandered around my house not knowing what to do with myself and all I could think was-drink it away.Just drink.If this is what being sober means for the rest of my life then I don’t want it.I just don’t.I cannot live like this.I’m turning into a mental person.This is not who I am and well-it just scares me.I have never been so out of control of my emotions.Ever.

So-I got back in my car and drove to the wine shop.I didn’t care.I just wanted to stop feeling.I walked in-bought a cheap bottle of red wine and walked out.I had to cross an intersection to get back to my car and the lights were green so I’m standing there waiting, bottle of wine in my bag and another voice in my head(there seems to be a few these days-LOL) says-Jules-what are you doing?What are you DOING?’ and I’m trying to answer this, watching the cars whizz by in front of me and all I can come up with is-‘I just want to die’ and I break down all over again.In public.Again.

I cannot believe this is me.I just can’t.I don't really want to die.I just want the pain to stop.Now.Today.this minute....And then…..the anger kicks in.I am so f*cking mad-at myself at this addiction-at what I feel it’s reduced me to even after the sober time Ive celebrated recently and I can barely contain myself.

The lights change and I cross the road and without giving it a second thought I take the wine out of my bag and throw it(a little too forcefully) into the trash bin outside the shops.It didn't smash but I don't think I'd have cared if it did.

I walked to my car and cried all the way home.Hugged my dog when I got in the door and well…here I am.Still wondering what’s good about being sober?Being like this? I’m still crying and I just want it to stop.I cant stand it, I can’t stand myself, but I didn’t drink.I almost did-but I didn’t.And I feel nothing good about that right now.I just feel a terrible sense of loss I don’t even understand.

I’m sorry to monopolise your time so much lately.But I can’t be alone.I’ll never make it otherwise.I don't even know what I want or need.I just had to get this out.

Thank you for getting though this.

Julesxox
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Old 09-08-2008, 08:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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oh Jules - just :ghug3

Never be afraid of posting - you taught me that

Life sometimes sucks, drunk or sober...but we handle it way better this way.

it's like the fear thing - we all are - it's what you do with it that counts

take care, Jules
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Old 09-08-2008, 08:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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thank you

thank you for sharing, I have felt that way so many times, only I didn't throw the bottle I drank it, then wished I hadn't; you are stronger than you think; I've heard that crying cleanses the soul, I hope I can get to the place that I'm okay with just letting it out, I can sometimes for a short while when I'm by myself, then I stuff it back in; I say good for you, you are feeling again and it will get better;
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Old 09-08-2008, 08:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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....and good job on the wine
I'm very proud of you

D
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Old 09-08-2008, 08:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I'm proud of you Jules. I know how hard it is to come here and admit that you are struggling. You are doing the right thing by talking about it. I am here for you. Looks like we are in the barrel together right now. You, me and Nogard. I can't think of anyone I would rather be surrounded by
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Old 09-08-2008, 08:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you Tan-and Dee and Patty.

I'm still effing crying.God.But it's good to know I'm not alone.

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Old 09-08-2008, 08:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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((((Jules)))))
I am so proud of you. You have shown that you are stronger than you know. These early sobriety feelings do pass. It may not feel like it right now as you are in the middle of it.

In early sobriety I hated being in my own skin, my head spun, my thoughts raced, I felt like I would be drowned in a sea of emotions. It was a very frightening time. The only way I could get any relief was to spend a lot of time in my car driving through the country side and trying to concentrate on how pretty it was outside. It slowed my head to have something else to concentrate on rather than the committee in my head that kept the insanity going.

Do you work any recovery program? If not you might consider it. There is a link in the alcoholism thread of recovery programs. They do help make it easier to make it through this early sobriety time. I don't know what I would have done without the program of my choice. Sobriety is achievable and from the strength and determination you showed getting rid of the wine you can do it.

Don't worry about posting your thoughts, concerns, and fears here. That is one of the reasons many of us are here to offer experience, strength and hope to those who are trying to find and keep sobriety. Too many alcoholics/drug addicts die without ever recieving hope.

Hang in there, remember you can do this.
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Old 09-08-2008, 08:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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((((((Jules)))))))) As Dee said, well done on disposing of the wine! Sometimes, we just need a good cry. Like you, it kills me to break down in front of people. Ahem, is it near your moon time? No offense but before my moon fully set, shall I put it delicately, I would get these crazy crying jags. Nothing was wrong, just everything!

Is maybe not being able to work in your field getting to you? I know how important that can be especially for a performer.

Just keep coming here. Post your heart out!

Love to you,

Lenina
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thanks nandm. I don't do AA(nothing against it-it's just not for me.It saved my fathers life and I'm grateful for that) and I've been trying to get sober for over a year here.I do go to occassional meeting just to be around other alcoholics, but I find SR and reading many books about recovery and spirituality, help me.

I have just over 60 days this time(have had many false starts as they say) and some wonderful sober/recovering alcoholic friends whom I talk to.

I was just so lost today. I'm currently wishing my HP was Johnsons Baby Shampoo, however. 'No more tears'

Thank you for caring.I appreciate it,

Julesxox
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks too Lenina.I wish I could blame it on hormones-but sadly-no.It's just me going a bit crazy maybe?LOL.I've just never felt so much before.I'm not used to it I guess.

You're a doll.Thank you

Julesxox
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:03 PM   #11 (permalink)
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OMG Jules. I just want to assure you that this won't last forever. I can't believe you threw the wine away. Do you see the strength in that? I don't know if I could have gone that far with buying it and then throwing it away.

The emotions aren't going to be out of control forever. You're feeling again. It's a good thing. You can't be strong all the time. I'm glad you are posting about this although I swear I almost had a heart attack. Anyway, that's my problem. That woman at the store was probably touched that you opened up to her and bet you weren't the first to stand in front of her with your eyes full of tears. Sometimes it's easier to break down in front of a stranger.

It's not "always" going to feel this bad being sober. Just give yourself a break please!!!

Anyway, Just wanted to say I love you and I'm sorry you feel lousy. Cry cry cry till it runs dry.......... Let it go as many times as you need to.

xxoKathleen
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:12 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Okay-you're just making me cry even more Kathleen.Stop it! LOL

Sorry-I didn't mean to scare you, but I guess I scared myself too.I'm also fully aware that bottle of wine is still up there in the trash and I could go get it back.I won't.But see how my mind works?I just want to stop feeling/thinking like this and I don't know how to make it stop.Posting here has helped though.It's not so bad now.Less intense but I'm hating it still.

I won't drink.I just cannot throw this away.But there's a part of me that wants to and that just makes me so frustrated.when does it stop?Seriously?

Love you too,

Julesxox
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:15 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Oh my gawshness darl... :ghug3

You are describing exactly the sorts of events that lead up to relapse for me, over and over again... Big huggies and luvvies to you... Its the self hate and low self worth that gets us time and time again... I don't know how to overcome it, I havnt quite got that far yet... But Im proud of you for biffing the bottle of wine. I always used to think, "but I paid money for it" or "I wouldnt want a kid to find it" to justify taking it home - once in my house I was goneskees.

I's sorry you're feeling low, and I wish I could help you more! A great big hug from me...

Luvvies...
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:17 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Glad your hanging in there Jules, sometimes just sitting with whatever is going on is tough tough tough, we dont have to get lost in it though my program and SR helps me feel a part of rather than alone.

Kevin
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:17 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Jules, I don't know if this helps but I was once told the ability to feel sadness was equal to the ability to feel joy. Does that make sense to you? As sad as I sometimes gets, I can feel the same degree of joy now. I think it takes a while to get the body chemicals back into some kind of balance after all the alcohol was poured in.

I once pranced through a very nice restaurant with the skirt of my very cute dress tucked into my panty hose! I was sober! Everyone was staring and I thought it was because I was looking so extra sassy! LOL My friends were peeing their pants watching me strut along!

I was at first embarrassed to the ground! Luckily, Rule 62 kicked in and I was able to laugh. I laughed really long and hard. It felt good! Best laugh I'd had in years.

I don't know why I needed to tell you that. I guess because it still makes me laugh just to remember it.

Much love to you and extra hugs!

Lenina
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:20 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Thanks Gertie. Not that it matters but it was a cheap bottle of red on special.LOL.that's how low I got.I didn't even used to drink red wine.I was a wine snob.Today?I just didn't care.But maybe-just maybe-a part of me knew I wouldn't even have liked it anyway.I don't know.

I can't quite believe I threw it away either.But another part of me can.I do not want to be a slave to this addiction anymore.But I want to be happy too.and i'm not.I'm just....confused and sad right now really.I'm hoping it passes soon.

Julesxox
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:22 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Thank you kev.Hey-if anyone understands just sitting with feelings sometimes lately I know you do too right now too.I appreciate it.

Lenina-you've given me something to think about there.I like that.Thank you
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:23 PM   #18 (permalink)
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hey Jules maybe go sit in a few more meetings, I know you don't do AA but hey I am not religuos but sometimes sitting in an empty church helps to center me and perhaps bring me some peace.

Kevin
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:35 PM   #19 (permalink)
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This might give ya a laugh or a smile. Just don't be hatin'...

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Old 09-08-2008, 09:50 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Jules, you aren't thinking about sashshaying through your town's best restaurant with your backside hanging out, are you? I mean, it worked for me but.....butt!

Sitting with feelings; I do some breathing exercises. It seems to help. I have some mediation tapes that take me through a guided imagery experience. I wish I could get the tapes burned into CD's so I could down load them onto my ipod. They really work for me.

Much love to you

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