DAY 6....what am I doing??? what is my plan of recovery today???

[ksplash5]

DAY 6..........10:20am

I had a good attitude during welding class and now have an hour and a half until a little job. I took care of H (hunger). and then came here to see how i am feeling, to see how others are doing and to share that I am still clean and sober.

I'm pleased that I got through yesterday, but yesterday is over now. I'm am sober right now and clean right now, and all that i know and that I am needs to be continually redirected into this day and this moment.

and my focus needs to be on recovery. on recovery activity, be it:'
- writing
- socializing with anyone at work
- planning my afterwork activities
- I've already planned to go straight to a meeting after work
- and I've already planned to bring tennis shoes to my GF at the hospital (I forgot them last night). I am going to take the motorcycle, and leave my credit card at home. I threw away my ATM card a few weeks ago. this will give me a nice little leisure time on the motorcycle, and I am doing something for someone else (and I know how degrading it is to be in depression and to be in the psyche ward wearing the hospitals little footies)

So I am actively creating my recovery. I am going for it. I will not take "NO" (ie NO-to-recovery) for an answer. I will work work work at recovery things and life things. I will stay focused on being my best self, and on witnessing others' best self around me. I will notice when I am focusing on the negative or being spiteful and I will gently move my thoughts back towards goodness or the light or whatever is the opposite of negative darkness.

I'm thankful for this site, for my attendance at some meetings and my plan to hit one today, and for my children, and for the light in my heart that wants to change, and for the the purpose that drugs and alcohol have served me in the past (ie numbing feelings and memories that are uncomfortable), and I am grateful for my ability to change and to make right choices, recovery and life choices.

of course my recovery has to be put in the number one slot of priorities. but in number two has to be Life activities and social interactions. my 18 hours a day awake would not be served best if it was all recovery. it is good to break away for an hour or two to do something like excercise (although excercise could be in recovery activities)...actually everything that I do can be in the category of "recovery".!!

so It's good to be feeling adequate, and energetic enough to write and visit here and be with 'work-people'. and it's also good to know that I will probably have some uncomfortable feelings today and that I need to be ready for them and have a plan of action. of course I don't want difficulties to be a self-prophecy.

someone asked me after the meeting last night..."so are you working the steps"....well i said "no, not really I guess"......I'm working something however. i'm definitely working step one. yes I'm working one and I am on step one.

i guess step 2 for me.....i'm kind've there, but it's not fundamentalist AA-working-the-step for me. it used to be. in the 90's i completely bought into every single part of the AA program, the AA philosophy, except after a while I didn't really buy into the 'disease' concept of alcoholism. but step 2 now is about coming to believe in ME, and in my highest self, and in YOUR highest self...coming to believe in the interconnectedness and one-ness of all things that I can sense, and in coming to believe in love and tolerance and compassion and forgiveness and stuff like that. and I used to focus on the insanity of my using and my behaviors before in thinking about step two....but i don't see it that way today, i'm kind've thinking that defining and thinking and talking about my insanity is really under the "war stories" part of step one (which really kind've isn't even part of step one).....but now for me step 2 is simply about "coming to believe" in something besides my own self-centered selfish existence in which my entire-world-reality has revolved around me

step 3,....ok maybe i'm working that a little....i mean at least in the physical sense of making a decision to work the program....I'm there in the spiritual sense too actually, but for me, the word GOD doesn't work....i substitute the word "universe". i can't define god. for me....how can I define god- that would be like my hand trying to define who I am. i don't know that's where I am with that.....so I guess I'm working step 3

I went through 'em all quite diligently (a few times) in the 90's when I had 8 years of mostly miserable and depression-level and insecure sobriety...

I haven't touched on step four yet....

so I am working steps one, two, and three....so the next time someone asks me that I can comfortably say: "oh yes, I am working thej first 3 steps right now". that's good enough for my 6th day clean!!! yay yay for me

it's been nice writing here and visiting with my mind and with you...thanks for listening if you have made it this far, and if you skipped over everything and just came here to read the last paragraph

good luck and love to all of us, here now

[LogCabin]

Keep up the good work. And yeah...being 5150ed is so much FUN!


(kidding!)

[tommyk]

Awesome post illustrating a lot of wisdom, ksplash, keep it up.

[ksplash5]

log cabin....i don't know what 5150ed means....what's that about/??

[LogCabin]

Sorry KP...5150 is the term used by California Police to take someone into protective custody. (meaning they are a danger to someone else or themselves.)

I've had several ambulance, or police cars rides to our local hospital psych wards for a lovely 72 hour, or even 146 hour, stay after being 5150ed.

[51anna]

Good for you Kspash!

[tommyk]

You know that powerful 'force' that compels one to drink?

That's your Lower Power.

Anything else, anything else at all, that helps you NOT drink?

That's a Higher Power.

[ksplash5]

being 5150ed would be like the nightmare paranoia of my using,....yes that wouldn't be much fun; i've spent hours and hours in fear of very similar to that.

but today I'm getting stronger. I see pretty clear right now, I see the light or the possibility of a higher power for me. my attention is focused on the higher and the lower self is kind've just falling away, and with that no urges or compulsions are going on.

I have a feeling of surrender. a wonderful feeling. mixed with a little joy.

I have a better attitude at work today. I only took a 15 minute nap instead of the 1 1/2 nap i've been taking over lunch.

I have socialized with my work partner and workmates, and classmates, and touched base with my boss, and had a few nice smile walk byes.

I'm taking care of my recovery today. My son called and wanted to change our dinner date from tomorrow to today. I asked to keep it for tomorrow so that I can follow through with the kindness of taking an hour of my time tonight to get tennis shoes to my girlfriend in the hospital.

but then "my time" doesn't matter right now. it doesn't matter what I'm doing. what I mean is that usually having to spend an hour driving to and from the hospital to drop off some tennis shoes would be, oh, say a pain in the *ss. right now, it doesn't matter what I am doing or where I am at, as much as it matters whether or not I am doing the next right thing, and as much as it matters that I am moving forward and practicing and thinking and learning about and DOING recovery. some kind of recovery. My recovery. recovery from crack cocaine, which means also recovery from all the drugs I have ever taken, and from my first drug: alcohol. and alcohol is particularly important because I have recently wanted so much to be able to drink. like "oh god if i cant smoke crack please let me at least be an alcoholic". now that would be about an even trade.

by why make an even trade or close to it. I want to make a blockbuster trade. i want to trade in the old, tired, bored, frustrated, lazy, glutton-filled, sexualized, addict self for a new self and a new life. a new life with a new dream. a dream inside of my heart.

and how could I have any idea what this dream is? I have been floundering around my whole life in the darkness of addiction and depression. I've thought i had a dream in the past, but it was really all about gluttonly and laziness--I simply wanted to be rich and famous like ever other teenager in the world.

but i'm not a teenager anymore (though i feel like one). I'm a 47 year old man and i really don't got any business busting my *ss with alcohol, let alone crack. I've got three kids that I could pass along surpluss money to instead of wasting it all away on my addictions. the drugs, the miles, the car wrecks, the ruined stuff, heck I've probably spent 3 to 500 dollars just on fricken chore boy and roses and aluminum foil during the last 8 years.

fortunately I have the kind of body that sorta rejects these drugs into my system in some way. with alcohol, I couldn't drink as much as many and usually I would simply end up finding a place to sleep when I was done (there were blackouts too and many forgotten drives). with pot and lsd and crack it was the paranoia. and nothing compared to the paranoia of crack

I've been so lucky....a good heart the fancy option of a drug rejection system, and the second chances. everysingle day....sometimes another second chance. i was lucky to get my job.

so I can take what I got and keep moving forward with recovery. I can put everything I got into this. My whole heart and mind and being into my recovery...moment by moment. most moments come and go and I'm not even aware of them. so i need to practice being more aware, and in this awareness i need to practice recovery. practice health. practice loving kindness.

ok I got to go for a bit.....

[mle-sober]

ksplash5,

Thanks for the update! I've been thinking of you and hoping for all good things to be coming your way. What you are doing is heroic. That's what I think. That's how it felt to me to get sober. I don't know drugs, but that's what it felt like to stop drinking. Completely heroic. To me.

I am in AA and I have a sponsor. SHe's much more traditional in her religion than I am. But we still work well together. I couldn't imagine doing the 3rd step or the 4th step without her. I think, essentially, it's pretty important to have another person there if you are going to do the 3rd and 4th step the way I understand them.

There's no reason to disagree on the differences between how people envision God. I basically never speak of it - knowing that what feels deep and true to me is just that - deep and true. The rest is just semantics.

Anyway - no matter how you do it - I am rooting for you. You have come so far already. Good job.

- MLE

[ksplash5]

hi all,

i'm back to DAY 1...

all that work for nothing, it seems. back to day 1

I made the choice....I found a way even though i left all my money access at home. then used the next night too.

The summer is passing me by, just like all the rest during these 8 years of addiction. then comes the fall, the winter, and the spring. but the summer is the one that really bugs me the most. I haven't even been to the beach or a swimming poll this summer and that is a first...since maybe when i was 3 yrs old

I need to find something in my Heart. the part of GOD that is in me, and that I am. I just keep dancing around in hell, and look out once in a while and see that there is something light out there on the other side.

that's all for now

[HeavyJ]

ksplash5,

Hang in there, keep trying never ever give up!

Heavy

[bostonluv]

Ksplash,

All that work wasn't for nothing. Put down your bat and give yourself a break. Keep it up! I'm cheering for you in California!

[mle-sober]

ksplash,

I'm so sorry to read this. But I also know that the struggle is ongoing, tremendous and unique to each individual. I believe you will find long-lasting sobriety. I really do. I know you are trying and I completely respect your efforts.

One of the things I've heard people talk about after a relapse is the search to understand what they can do differently next time. Each of us has a different path, but for me, having my sponsor has been really important. Especially in the first 30 days which are so hard. I would encourage you to think about the possibility of getting a sponsor. Even if you're uncomfortable. It's sometimes a matter of doing whatever it takes, even if we think it's not important or it doesn't match our personalities. Or whatever. And if you just really don't want to get a sponsor, think about what other possible things you can do different this time.

I'm beside you in spirit - as I know many of us are. Keep trying. And please be gentle with yourself right now.

[ksplash5]

heavy, boston, & mlesober

thanks for your responses....I don't know what the evening will hold....i'm practically begging to find an excuse....I do however have to get a cashiers check at the bank for my move-in-apartment closing on friday. going to the bank is alwlays a possible trigger.

I have some things that would be "good" to do tonight...like go to a meeting after the bank, and then go home and take the dogs for a walk and clean house and do a load of laundry and water garden.

I am going to practicing appreciating each breath that I inhale right now for the next ten minutes....ok....starting......now