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When I tried getting sober the 1st time...

Old 11-30-2011, 11:47 AM
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When I tried getting sober the 1st time...

I have been in a relationship for a little over two years, and it had been about two years when I decided that I needed to get sober and tried for the very first time.

Wondering if this is normal:
I was sober for 19 days and completely infatuated with the feeling and reality of sobriety. I would spend time on this site reading other people's posts, researching all the helpful information that I could find, and in chat rooms regarding AA and sobriety.
(I also went to work, did house-work, cooked, cleaned, etc... not all of my time was dedicated to sobriety.)
Sometime around my fifteenth day my boyfriend told me that I was obsessing about my new-found sobriety, and that it's basically the same kind of sick obsession that we (alcoholics) have with booze. He said that it isn't normal (the obsession with sobriety,) and that it is weird, (or words similar to that.)
Does that sound as if he is not supportive, or just does not understand people like us?
I already know that he is barely supportive in my trying to do much of anything, (I'm not in that great of a relationship, I know...) but I am wondering if his statement about obsession with sobriety is true.

Thanks to any who post.
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:00 PM
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There may be some obsession, at least in the early going, but you need to do whatever it takes to tackle your drinking problem.

"Obsession" better describes my drinking than my recovery. Planning and anticipating my daily drinking ... ending each day in a fog ... that was obsession.

Are you still drinking?
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:10 PM
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If he's still a drinker, he could be biased because he lost his buddy...other drinkers don't like it when they lose their counterparts in crime.

Otherwise I think the obsession could be normal. I do the same when I'm learning about anything new...the reading, researching, etc. and if it helps your sobriety, it shouldn't be bad.

Since the bf is not an overall supportive person though, I'd doubt that his concern is genuinely for you and your recovery, he's probably scared of something...maybe that you're moving on to bigger and better things and he's not, or that he might be on the chopping block next in your life.
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:15 PM
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I don't find it "obsessing" when I am here reading.. I consider it educating myself and helping me to get a stronger hold on my sobriety... I consider what I did when I was drinking and using to be obsessing...planning my next fix, where I would hide the bottle of vodka, did I have enough vodka to get me through to the end of the day.. that was obsessing
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:18 PM
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Whodey, yes, I am still drinking. In fact, I got so blasted last night that I could barely get up and make it to school for a test today.
This has got to stop, as I've said many times before!
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:18 PM
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I barely left the house the first few weeks. Even when I cooked and cleaned I thought about recovery. I played music and watched movies that I felt, in one way or another, reflected my efforts and my goals.

I call that focus, not obsession.

As far as your BF goes, yeah, I don't think he understands. I haven't met many non-alcoholics who do. But honestly, he doesn't sound really supportive of you. Not understanding is one thing; it's another thing to actively discourage you after barely two weeks.
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:45 PM
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My boyfriend has told me not to become one of those crazy AA people who go to meetings all the time instead of drinking. He said in his opinion they are just as addicted to AA as they were to drinking. I said it's different b/c AA meetings aren't bad for their physical, mental and emotional health like drinking is.

I feel "obsessed" with recovery and with not drinking, almost as much as I did with drinking. In some ways it sucks. In others, I would rather be obsessed on something good for me for once, rather than self-destructive. I also think that as I take AA more seriously and find a sponsor and work the steps, AA's promise of lifting my obsession will happen to me... at least I really hope so.

I've learned I have to focus on no one else but myself in recovery, including my boyfriend. Whether he doesn't always understand or isn't always as supportive as I'd like (and honestly I wish he would stop drinking too, but I know I can't make anyone make that decision, so I just focus on myself), it doesn't matter, I need to stay true to my goals. I sat my boyfirend down and explained to him just what this means to me. Communication helps us. He is more understanding and even if he isn't, he is careful with what he says b/c these are hard times for me and I am easily upset! Have you tried that with your boyfriend?

In any event, your main focus right now should be on not drinking, not on your boyfriend's possible reactions. Just put yourself first and do what you need to do to be happier. Best wishes to you.
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:46 PM
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Linz, In the beginning I was focused (obsessed) with recovery. I had to be....It was the only way I was going to stop. It has to be about YOU! If obsessing about our health is wrong....I dont wanna be right. Our partners sometimes dont get it and they dont want to get it. That would make how they treat alcohol and themselves somehow wrong. On the other end of the spectrum ReadyAndAble is so correct on how non-alcoholics view drinking....they do not get it.

I had to focus why I could not drink and that cross was mine to bare. Bottom line is that it is your life and your journey. Best decision I ever made was to quit for good and I hope that your journey leads you down sober paths. It took me until I was 40 to figure out that I had lost control and the years I lost were not coming back. If obsessing keeps you on the path.....I say obsess. That goes away after a while and the pleasure of knowing that you are in control of your life is the best feeling in the world. I wouldnt really call that obsessing....I would call that living.
Best of luck
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Linz View Post
I have been in a relationship for a little over two years, and it had been about two years when I decided that I needed to get sober and tried for the very first time.

Wondering if this is normal:
I was sober for 19 days and completely infatuated with the feeling and reality of sobriety. I would spend time on this site reading other people's posts, researching all the helpful information that I could find, and in chat rooms regarding AA and sobriety.
(I also went to work, did house-work, cooked, cleaned, etc... not all of my time was dedicated to sobriety.)
Sometime around my fifteenth day my boyfriend told me that I was obsessing about my new-found sobriety, and that it's basically the same kind of sick obsession that we (alcoholics) have with booze. He said that it isn't normal (the obsession with sobriety,) and that it is weird, (or words similar to that.)
Does that sound as if he is not supportive, or just does not understand people like us?
I already know that he is barely supportive in my trying to do much of anything, (I'm not in that great of a relationship, I know...) but I am wondering if his statement about obsession with sobriety is true.

Thanks to any who post.
No way!!! If so, then I'm obsessed too. I've been practically living on this site since yesterday. Looking for supplements, chatting with close relatives...
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Old 11-30-2011, 01:12 PM
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Linz - I've followed your posts for a while. You already know what I think of your bf.

It really doesn't matter what your bf thinks - its what you think...sounds to me like you liked the way sobriety made you feel.

I really hope you get back to it

D
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Old 11-30-2011, 01:13 PM
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How about going to or doing yoga again & connecting with that spiritual side again. It sounded like it was working well for you. You could join a great yoga studio with the money your spending on booze.

Here are some free yoga videos: http://www.youtube.com/results?searc...l2-1.1.0.1l3l0

From your second thread on this site. \/

Originally Posted by Linz View Post

One more thing..I really want to change. I realize that I have a problem and that I NEED to change. Before I started this serious bad drinking habit, when I lived in wilmington before I turned twenty one I would do yoga. I would go to a yoga studio and do it about twice a week. I felt healthy. I didn't smoke cigarettes. I felt the spirituality that I feel as if I have lost. I felt at peace with myself...I even liked myself back then, I treated myself differently and I felt as if I had more. Friends, a job that I liked, interests, hobbies.
Anyhow, thats to those of you who have read this rant of mine. I'll be looking forward to later when I don't feel this horrible headache of mine.
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Old 11-30-2011, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Linz View Post
Whodey, yes, I am still drinking. In fact, I got so blasted last night that I could barely get up and make it to school for a test today.
This has got to stop, as I've said many times before!
This is where you need to begin IMO. The support or lack-of-support from your boyfriend (or anyone else in your life) is secondary to you deciding to stop drinking.

Once you decide to stop, then you do what you need to do to support that decision ... and that means different things to different people. For some attending AA is critical while others follow different paths. This site helps many (my included!) and, at the very least, can be a great place to begin your journey.

We can use various elements in our lives to justify drinking (stressful job, crazy kids, busy holidays, unsupportive relationships, etc.), but in the end it is us alone that must make the decision to stop drinking.

I reached a point where I could see where the trajectory of my life was headed with continued drinking. I tried moderation and couldn't do it. I'd approach each day with the intention of controlling my drinking ... and I sometimes did ... but more often than not I was not successful. I was not becoming the person I wanted to be. It's only been 16 days, but the positive improvements have been noteworthy.

Please keep sharing!
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Old 11-30-2011, 01:19 PM
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Gosh, speaking of obsessed though, I myself am totally in that boat. Since my first (second attempt really) at trying to get sober in like October, I've purchased approximately 20-ish used books from Amazon. Most are related to alcohol addiction and the rest are related to issues and beliefs I've run across while getting to 26-ish days of not drinking. Everything from books on introversion, worrying, Buddhism, spirituality, plant-based diets, Mindfulness, self-esteem, etc. I keep ordering more books even though I haven't finished the ones I've started! hahaha I just find new subjects that I'm fascinated with. Good thing I'm the only one who knows about this or they might lock me away for "obsessive-compulsive reading and learning." LOL
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Old 11-30-2011, 01:20 PM
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My H says similar things sometimes, and to me they are not only unsupportive, they're attempts to undermine. I think he does this because he doesn't want to look at his own drinking. Also, I feel my H is almost "jealous" of the time I am spending on myself (which I used to spend focused on him and his needs) plus he may have a creeping fear that if I become strong and healthy, that could be threatenting to him as Top Dog.

That's my situation. Just sayin'.
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Old 11-30-2011, 01:27 PM
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Originally Posted by SamanthaIam View Post
My H says similar things sometimes, and to me they are not only unsupportive, they're attempts to undermine. I think he does this because he doesn't want to look at his own drinking. Also, I feel my H is almost "jealous" of the time I am spending on myself (which I used to spend focused on him and his needs) plus he may have a creeping fear that if I become strong and healthy, that could be threatenting to him as Top Dog.

That's my situation. Just sayin'.
This is exactly the same as in my situation with my boyfriend, and he has admitted as much. He's said things like "don't get TOO healthy, or you'll want to dump me," and (when I said I am seeking healthier, sober friends) "Don't get friends that are super healthy or they will tell you not to be with me."

In general he is not threatened by time I spend by myself-- I work a lot, I go to a writing group and a book club, I run and work out sometimes by myself and sometimes with him, I like to do solitary things like reading, and he doesn't seem to have any problem with it. But he has made comments about AA sucking up people's time, and so I think it is an issue he has with AA. He thinks people who go to AA are weak-willed and pathetic and that the program is stupid. I'm not sure why he thinks these things when he's never even tried it out. I just ignore him and go. He has said he doesn't mind as long as I don't go "all the time." I'm not sure what he means by that, and he'll have to get over it really quickly if he starts tot hink I go too much, because I need to do what I need to do.

I want so much for him to get healthy, and he says he wants to, too, and says he wants to/sometimes does "cut back on drinking," "have a healthier lifestyle," go to counseling, get diagnosed for some mental health issues he has, etc. But he rarely if ever even mentions not drinking any more for good. He's convinced it's a matter of control, like with diet and exercise, no matter how many times I show him the research. I understand where he's at because I wasn't ready to give up drinking for quite some time either. I know he is not my concern but it is really hard when he says this stuff and I can see through to the reasons why-- they're all about him, not me. I am going to get healthy and be the best me I can be, and I hope he joins me, but I cannot let him hold me back. You shouldn't either, OP.
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Old 12-01-2011, 06:21 AM
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Thanks all.

The boyfriend troubles always begin and end with me and my life in this relationship, if that makes any sense. (It barely did to me as I typed it.)

It doesn't end with the drinking. He doesn't really seem to support me in anything that I excel at. He seems happy about it, but he can only take so much knowledge of it and then he's completely put off.
For instance: Last night I was telling him about this test that I had JUST found out that I scored a 100% on. Before I started to tell him about my test, he had been talking to me for about 1/2 an hour about work, the people there, his band, the people in it, his friends/family/holidays. So I started in about this test, and about 25 seconds later (we were laying in bed) his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he started falling asleep. 25 seconds later!! :/ What an offensive gesture.
He does that with just about everything. I'll talk and he'll either find fault in what I am saying (no matter what it is, it could be something as simple as "we need to buy more trash bags,") and it sort of leaves me feeling lonely.
Well, there'll come a point where I'll either have had enough, or decide to put up with it forever. That's what I've been told at least.

As for drinking - when I do drink just a couple of beers, he seems to be fine with it. If I go out and drink, he doesn't seem to be upset with my drinking AS MUCH as the fact that I went out to do it. He says that men will think I'm "easy" and "slutty" because I'm at the bar by myself. He says that it's NOT cool that I talk to other men at the bar. I don't think that it's even the bar that pisses him off... because just the other day I saw a picture on facebook of someone that I go to school with, and I said to him (the bf) "I see that guy all the time at the library at school!" Nothing but "do you talk to him?" came out of his mouth.

I feel trapped most of the time, maybe that's one of the reasons for my drinking habit. I could go on and on with the list, but I'll stop there for now.
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Old 12-01-2011, 06:31 AM
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Ugh, Linz! I have so many female friends in relationships just like yours. GET. OUT. NOW! There is NO reason you should have to accept things the way they are and put up with it forever. You deserve better. And in all likelihood you'll never get sober being with this guy. He's bad for you and your sobriety. He seems like an extremely selfish jerk (sorry for being blunt).
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Old 12-01-2011, 07:11 AM
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Like Jay said: Get out! How can you expect to get sober with no support from the person who should be helping you the most? This guy is a complete scumbag, from what you said. Good luck on your search for sobriety!
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Old 12-01-2011, 07:46 AM
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You know what you need to do.

You may not like it ... but you know what you need to do.

Read your last post and pretend that it was written by a good friend. What would you say to her? What do you think the longterm prospects would be for her to find happiness in that relationship? You'll never find what you deserve if you cling to an unhealthy relationship.
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Old 12-01-2011, 08:07 AM
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You know that your relationship is in bad shape.

It sounds like he treats you in a very disrespectful way.

And, I think, lack of self-respect (for me, anyways) was at the root of my alcoholism. After all, if you like/love yourself, why would you put poison into your body?
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