It's been a while since I've posted

[JoeJ]

I was really into posting for my first week or two on here, then things went a little down hill for me and I stopped posting. I don't yet have a direction this post is going in, I just need to put down in words all at once whats been up with me and where I'm at mentally.

My name is Joe and I'm 17. I came in here originally to get off of amphetamines in the form of meth and adderall, and that was a long struggle just to stop the everyday using. I've still been relapsing every other day it seems, either with some form of amphetamine or random drugs like hydrocodine, oxycotin, and extacy to name a few. I seem to fold under any and all pressure and lunge for the first thing that will **** me up. I think though, slowly I'm starting to do this less and I go days or sometimes almost a week without using.

I've been struggling a lot to stay clean because of a whole slew of pressures that make me feel like curling up and dying wouldn't be so bad.

For one, I recently found out that a former boyfriend who I can only describe as evil knowingly tried to infect me with HIV. He came back from college in california and well... you can see where I'm going with that. I've taken two tests recently (I found this out about two weeks ago), a rapid test and a more in-depth blood test. Both came back negative, so now this is less of a burden on me and I'm not quite so scared/depressed.

I've been told that HIV can lay dormant for up to 6 months, and that I need to refrain from sex and get tested after that six months are up. My newest dilemma is that I've been getting into an increasingly closer relationship with a female friend of mine, and I think we are either on the verge of dating or dating and I'm just too dweeby to know.

I really care about her, and I wouldn't dream of putting her in danger. Not to mention, I wouldn't want to rush things with her anyway because she's special to me and not someone I would want to waste on some cheap hookup. But I'm nervous because if things DO get serious, how could I as a teenage guy come up with a way to avoid any sexual contact over a 6 month period while saving my dignity by not telling her whats wrong? I wouldn't lie to her per se, and if I need to I will tell her whats wrong, but I really want to keep this to myself unless I have to. We've been friends a long time now, she's seen me date other people and she knows I'm not a virgin, so I have no way of explaining some sudden aversion to sex. It makes me so tense thinking about it because I really don't want to screw it up with her.

Since this whole thing with her started a few days ago, I've used twice just for relief from the anxiety. The strange thing is besides that one issue she's great for me. I never think about drugs when I'm actually around her, I'm just happy. She hates drugs. I know they say it's not good to date while in early sobriety/clean time, but is that a universal truth? She seems like just what I need right now :/

So I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just totally lost right now and confused. I thought that maybe if I put it all down right here it would make sense to someone else or something. I haven't found a way to get clean and stay clean yet, and I really want to. My life is a mess right now and I don't have the energy to post the rest of my problems. I don't know if threads are supposed to be like this, I just thought I'd post an update.

Thanks to anyone who had the patience to read this and maybe respond with some insight.

~Joe

[51anna]

Hi Joe,

I'm glad you're back and continuing to seek sobriety.

I think, in the situation with your new girlfriend, it's not about your dignity. It's about doing the right thing. And, doing the right thing is a big part of recovery. It's not just not using drugs. So, be honest with yourself and your girlfriend about the HIV situation. If you don't feel comfortable talking to her about it, then maybe just back off the relationship for awhile and be patient. Trust me, she will appreciate your honesty.

It sounds to me like you need to focus more on your own recovery and less on the relationship, at this time. No one on the outside of you is going to make your life better. That's something only you can do. You have the power to do that for yourself.

Joe, you're on the right track with seeking help and I hope you keep reading and posting here.

[whiskerkissed]

Oh Joe! I know you've been fighting yourself for awhile. Talking in chat you always sound so bottomed out. But you know what - you already said so yourself that your periods of not using are getting longer. That's huge. When I was 17 I was using speed, smoking pot, acid, shrooms, etc - drinking whatever came my way. I didn't get smart like you for another 11 yrs. And here you are doing this now.

Learning to deal with stress while clean is one of the hardest things to do. None of us want to deal with something that makes us feel uncomfortable...but it's part of being human. That's what makes the clean happy times feel so good. It's our counter-balance in life. What's real *clean* happiness without a little *clean* unhappy?

The girl you like - that's a tough one. Do you really, really like her - or is she a symbol of something more stable? One day you will slip in front of her. Wouldn't it better to be honest with her up front than for her to find out through a moment of weakness and all trust dissolved? This is on both fronts - for the drug use...and the next 6 months of abstinence.

Honesty is always the hardest thing to own up to. Sometimes it reveals what we like least about ourselves and may jeopardize something we value, but it's also a part of healing. You can't keep lying and hiding when you have something that big.

Have you thought of going to an NA meeting? Those people DO understand you. As here - you don't have to lie...don't have to hide...and they're immediate support when you need them in a more physical form.

I'm pulling for you Joe. Nothing that really matters is ever easy - and you matter...:-)

[chiynita]

Yea..WHat Anna said.
You are such a phenominal kid Joe. Just talking with you in the short amount of time I have. You show such eagerness to do this and do it right. And you are a very sensitive and caring person. Your funny and insightful.
But like Anna said. You need to focus on yourself first.
You do not need the added stress of all that messin with your head.
You know where we are.

[JoeJ]

Thanks a lot to all three of you, I guess I'll just have to suck it up and come clean with her. She knows my ex b/f and hates him, so I think if I explain to her what happened she'll have some sympathy for me.

I don't think she really represents anything other than a beautiful girl that I really care about. I don't worry about her, she makes me happy. It is only the pressure to come clean with her that stresses me out. And I don't see her as a lifeline so much as a comfort, someone I can actually be close to again.

I DO want to check out NA, but I don't want to be yelled at for having a girlfriend while I'm there :/

I guess once I'm honest, I can start putting more solid effort into my own recovery and take the relationship as it comes. Or maybe it won't work out and I'll have to do this alone. Whatever. I'm ready for a change.

[whiskerkissed]

Originally Posted by JoeJ

I DO want to check out NA, but I don't want to be yelled at for having a girlfriend while I'm there :/

Holy cow!! They won't do that! Unless it was a destructive partner threatening your own sobriety - there's no reason for them to say anything negative about you having one. Yes - you will be pushed to focus on yourself, but that doesn't mean you can't have someone closer for support on a more personal level, too!

Originally Posted by JoeJ

I guess once I'm honest, I can start putting more solid effort into my own recovery and take the relationship as it comes.

Bingo...:-D

[JoeJ]

phew well thats a relief thanks