hello to my new smart friends - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

evanrudenyc · 06-22-2008, 05:47 AM

As I am posting on the "new to recovery" forum, Im hardly new to recovery, (in and out for the past 7 or 8 years) just new to Smart so I figured this was a good place to start............
My name is Evan (Evanrudenyc) Im a 32 y/o music producer from Manhattan and I just wrapped up scoring the soundtrack for my first film, and when Im not working on a project, Im usually working on my own stuff (w/ a possible record deal in the works) ==I figured Id give you a little background before I get to the meat n potatoes of this thing== My normal routine would be to cop 2 or 3 grams of cocaine as early as possible (9, 10 pm) and get started working on tracks (Im a computer musician) and usually go until the drugs ran out (5 to 8 am ish) and would have raced my way through 2 or 3 tracks... beautiful... The problem is now that Im sober, I havent been able to work on any music and its killing me... (if there are any musicians in here who could give me advice , or at least I.D. w me I would be grateful) So instead of making music as a positive activity (I used to be able to compose sober until this past year) its become a source of frustration, and yes, heartbreak, as music is my passion and really my life. Especially now when Im supposed to put together an ep for the record company, I just cant work on my tracks...... And its really a therapeutic exercise for me as well................... its like being out in the desert for a month, coming home to find out its Thanksgiving, and the table is spread w/ all your favorite food, and your stomach is growling loud enough to shake the room but you dont have an appetite...... (ok, maybe a corny metaphor) and I need to get these songs done if I want this record deal to turn into a reality........
so suffice it to say Im extremely frustrated, a good bit sad, and a pinch angry.............. so thats one of the little issues I have right now................

Im also in a 5 day a week outpatient program (9am to noon) which I love and really starts my day off on the right foot. Then I usually go to 2 AA meeting s a day, I have 2 sponsors, I come here to chat w/ you fine people at least 3 or 4 times a day, and stay in touch w/ some of my buddies from rehab which I just got out of 3 weeks ago after a 7 day stay (friggin insurance wouldnt cover a 28 day stretch) So I have some really solid support and am really doing a lot of work this time around. I used to be the guy who would sit in the back of the room, and leave at the break.... now I try to sit closer to the front (still not a front-rower, to much anxiety, but getting closer) I get at least 1 phone number from almost every meeting I go to. Im doing the things they suggest for the first time and I feel a lot of power from connecting w other alcoholics and addicts........

so thats it for today, theres so much to say, so much of the bad stuff to share, but thats all I have in me today..........

thank you.

evanrudenyc · 06-22-2008, 05:50 AM

(Ive also got a lot more drug and alcohol stories and this is only 1 example of the direct results of one of my using, Im also a blackout drinker and cocaine binger.... more to come later)

**51anna** · 06-22-2008, 06:22 AM

It sounds like you're doing great as far as taking care of your recovery.

I'm not a musician, but I know that early recovery involved a lot of changes in my life. I had to look at my life with a totally different perspective.

I hope you keep reading and posting.

dave47 · 06-22-2008, 06:25 AM

Welcome to SR Evan, great support and advice for you here,
best wishes.

**Rowan** · 06-22-2008, 06:52 AM

Welcome -and kudos for working so hard at your recovery.

I can't help you with the music - but suggest that after you get some more clean time, your inspiration and creativity will return. If you keep using/drinking, you might just lose that job anyway - never mind your life. Keep your focus on recovery as best you can, and trust that things will unfold as they are meant to.

gypsy13 · 06-22-2008, 07:18 AM

ive had my own creative down point since im not using anymore... i sew. i sew really cool, hippy, punk, patchwork stuff. but since quiting...(granted im all of 6 days clean) i cant even think in that frame of mind.
to bad too, cause that there was a money maker.
all i can say is i hope my creative ideals come back.. and yours as well.... i can only figure our talents lie within us and not with in our drugs of choice.

(course if you look at trent reznor......his music was soo much better when he was depressed and high.....now hes on meds for his depression and stopped using.....his music lacks something.....pain.)

**CarolD** · 06-22-2008, 07:27 AM

I thought my painting under LSD was sooooo fantastic
until I came back to this world.....

Welcome to our recovery community
from one ex blackout drinker to another.

Nuno · 06-22-2008, 07:35 AM

Recovery it's a life change. Your music feels the change cuz it comes from the deepest of you. This might just be a stepping stone to a new vision of music. An artist will never lose the need of expression, it might look like the urge is asleep, but it's there, growing. And whatever shape it takes, it marks every part of your life.

Whatever happens, you keep evolving and you can keep getting better. You know it will start pouring out of you...

evanrudenyc · 06-22-2008, 07:43 AM

Hey guys, thanks for your responses.... youre right, I feel deep inside I need to go through this process and come out the other side w/ a new pair of ears!!! I used to believe my using enhanced my creativity...... but Im willing to bet you guys are right that w/ the more clean time Ill get the creative urge again........

felly79 · 06-22-2008, 09:04 AM

Thanks for introducing yourself in the forums evan, and welcome to SR. I'll see you around.

Hudstar · 06-24-2008, 07:02 AM

Hi Evan, thanks for sharing your story here. I'm beginning to take my first steps in confronting my alcohol problem so admire your success a great deal. I'm a guitarist, but because I've been so sodden with drink, I barely pick it up anymore. I'm hoping that sobriety down the line will inspire me to love it again.

Are you a songwriter too? Could you put some of your thoughts about recovery to music? May be therapeutic, I dunno.

Keep going, dude.

HeavyJ · 06-24-2008, 07:21 AM

Evanrudenyc,
Hit that music as hard as you used to hit the rocks man. Don't look back, take advantage of your desire to be clean (Which is clearly evident in your story) Take advantage of all of your support, be in control of yourself. This could be a great opportunity to create some really wonderful music when the time is right..

Welcome!

Heavy

Tazman53 · 06-24-2008, 07:29 AM

Evan we are all different, although I am not a musician nor an artist there are many things over my years of drinking that alcohol slowly took from me, looking at it now I see that I actually gave those things away to drink.

I am 21 months sober and just recently have found the desire to return to many things I enjoyed before alcohol took me over.

My advice would be to take things as they come, in thier own time, be patient, focus on recovery for now, the rest will come.

I would imagine as a musician that your creativity will return with a new focus, it could be on recovery, it could be on your past, or a combo of the 2.

Welcome to SR, it will all come with time if it is meant to be, time takes time so just be aware that nothing happens overnight, just keep working at your recovery as hard as you are now and things will work out.

HawkeyePierce · 06-24-2008, 01:24 PM

Hey Evan, Welcome. I am new here but I am also a musician. I have a hard time writing anymore and the worst is trying to start something up again. I am in the middle of starting another band but am dreading getting on stage again without the drink. My creativity it seems has gone downhill since stopping the drinking. I haven't written much lately but am going to try again in the near future. Good luck.

frstnm · 06-24-2008, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hudstar

Hi Evan, thanks for sharing your story here. I'm beginning to take my first steps in confronting my alcohol problem so admire your success a great deal. I'm a guitarist, but because I've been so sodden with drink, I barely pick it up anymore. I'm hoping that sobriety down the line will inspire me to love it again.

Are you a songwriter too? Could you put some of your thoughts about recovery to music? May be therapeutic, I dunno.

Keep going, dude.

I was thinking along these lines. What about writing your music about recovery and the hell we have all been to ?
Royalties can be paid to:........................................

ex D-Boy · 06-24-2008, 07:25 PM

yo ev dawwggg! glad you made a post introducing yourself on here. Check out the substance abuse forums also man , lot of great support and wonderful people over there....talk to ya soon bro be safe~~

**CarolD** · 06-24-2008, 07:41 PM

Welcome to SR HawkeyePierce

06-22-2008, 05:47 AM	#1 (permalink)
evanrudenyc rockin' the box Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: NYC Posts: 46	hello to my new smart friends As I am posting on the "new to recovery" forum, Im hardly new to recovery, (in and out for the past 7 or 8 years) just new to Smart so I figured this was a good place to start............ My name is Evan (Evanrudenyc) Im a 32 y/o music producer from Manhattan and I just wrapped up scoring the soundtrack for my first film, and when Im not working on a project, Im usually working on my own stuff (w/ a possible record deal in the works) ==I figured Id give you a little background before I get to the meat n potatoes of this thing== My normal routine would be to cop 2 or 3 grams of cocaine as early as possible (9, 10 pm) and get started working on tracks (Im a computer musician) and usually go until the drugs ran out (5 to 8 am ish) and would have raced my way through 2 or 3 tracks... beautiful... The problem is now that Im sober, I havent been able to work on any music and its killing me... (if there are any musicians in here who could give me advice , or at least I.D. w me I would be grateful) So instead of making music as a positive activity (I used to be able to compose sober until this past year) its become a source of frustration, and yes, heartbreak, as music is my passion and really my life. Especially now when Im supposed to put together an ep for the record company, I just cant work on my tracks...... And its really a therapeutic exercise for me as well................... its like being out in the desert for a month, coming home to find out its Thanksgiving, and the table is spread w/ all your favorite food, and your stomach is growling loud enough to shake the room but you dont have an appetite...... (ok, maybe a corny metaphor) and I need to get these songs done if I want this record deal to turn into a reality........ so suffice it to say Im extremely frustrated, a good bit sad, and a pinch angry.............. so thats one of the little issues I have right now................ Im also in a 5 day a week outpatient program (9am to noon) which I love and really starts my day off on the right foot. Then I usually go to 2 AA meeting s a day, I have 2 sponsors, I come here to chat w/ you fine people at least 3 or 4 times a day, and stay in touch w/ some of my buddies from rehab which I just got out of 3 weeks ago after a 7 day stay (friggin insurance wouldnt cover a 28 day stretch) So I have some really solid support and am really doing a lot of work this time around. I used to be the guy who would sit in the back of the room, and leave at the break.... now I try to sit closer to the front (still not a front-rower, to much anxiety, but getting closer) I get at least 1 phone number from almost every meeting I go to. Im doing the things they suggest for the first time and I feel a lot of power from connecting w other alcoholics and addicts........ so thats it for today, theres so much to say, so much of the bad stuff to share, but thats all I have in me today.......... thank you.

06-22-2008, 06:22 AM	#3 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 10,507	It sounds like you're doing great as far as taking care of your recovery. I'm not a musician, but I know that early recovery involved a lot of changes in my life. I had to look at my life with a totally different perspective. I hope you keep reading and posting.
	__________________ Anna "I don't know what the future is holding in store I don't know where Im going, Im not sure where Ive been Theres a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I don't need to see the end." John Denver

06-22-2008, 06:25 AM	#4 (permalink)
dave47 Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: England Posts: 1,369	Welcome to SR Evan, great support and advice for you here, best wishes.
	__________________ Into each life some rain must fall,some days be dark and dreary. The Difficult is that which can be done immediately;the Impossible that which takes a little longer.

06-22-2008, 07:18 AM	#6 (permalink)
gypsy13 endless delerium Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: pgh, pa Posts: 48	ive had my own creative down point since im not using anymore... i sew. i sew really cool, hippy, punk, patchwork stuff. but since quiting...(granted im all of 6 days clean) i cant even think in that frame of mind. to bad too, cause that there was a money maker. all i can say is i hope my creative ideals come back.. and yours as well.... i can only figure our talents lie within us and not with in our drugs of choice. (course if you look at trent reznor......his music was soo much better when he was depressed and high.....now hes on meds for his depression and stopped using.....his music lacks something.....pain.)
	__________________ THE THREE STAGES OF TRUTH: 1. RIDICULE 2. VIOLENT OPPOSITION 3. ACCEPTANCE WHEN YOU LET PEOPLE DO WHATEVER THEY WANT, YOU GET WOODSTOCK. WHEN YOU LET GOVERNMENTS DO WHATEVER THEY WANT, YOU GET WACO.

06-22-2008, 07:27 AM	#7 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 14,333	I thought my painting under LSD was sooooo fantastic until I came back to this world..... Welcome to our recovery community from one ex blackout drinker to another.
	__________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery...

06-22-2008, 05:50 AM	#2 (permalink)
evanrudenyc rockin' the box Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: NYC Posts: 46	(Ive also got a lot more drug and alcohol stories and this is only 1 example of the direct results of one of my using, Im also a blackout drinker and cocaine binger.... more to come later)

06-22-2008, 06:52 AM	#5 (permalink)
Rowan Moderatin' Newf Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 8,596	Welcome -and kudos for working so hard at your recovery. I can't help you with the music - but suggest that after you get some more clean time, your inspiration and creativity will return. If you keep using/drinking, you might just lose that job anyway - never mind your life. Keep your focus on recovery as best you can, and trust that things will unfold as they are meant to.

06-22-2008, 07:35 AM	#8 (permalink)
Nuno believer Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Europe Posts: 2,304	Recovery it's a life change. Your music feels the change cuz it comes from the deepest of you. This might just be a stepping stone to a new vision of music. An artist will never lose the need of expression, it might look like the urge is asleep, but it's there, growing. And whatever shape it takes, it marks every part of your life. Whatever happens, you keep evolving and you can keep getting better. You know it will start pouring out of you...

06-22-2008, 07:43 AM	#9 (permalink)
evanrudenyc rockin' the box Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: NYC Posts: 46	Hey guys, thanks for your responses.... youre right, I feel deep inside I need to go through this process and come out the other side w/ a new pair of ears!!! I used to believe my using enhanced my creativity...... but Im willing to bet you guys are right that w/ the more clean time Ill get the creative urge again........

06-22-2008, 09:04 AM	#10 (permalink)
felly79 Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Bellingham, WA Posts: 1,028	Thanks for introducing yourself in the forums evan, and welcome to SR. I'll see you around.

06-24-2008, 07:02 AM	#11 (permalink)
Hudstar Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK Posts: 14	Hi Evan, thanks for sharing your story here. I'm beginning to take my first steps in confronting my alcohol problem so admire your success a great deal. I'm a guitarist, but because I've been so sodden with drink, I barely pick it up anymore. I'm hoping that sobriety down the line will inspire me to love it again. Are you a songwriter too? Could you put some of your thoughts about recovery to music? May be therapeutic, I dunno. Keep going, dude.

06-24-2008, 07:21 AM	#12 (permalink)
HeavyJ Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Minnesota Posts: 301	Evanrudenyc, Hit that music as hard as you used to hit the rocks man. Don't look back, take advantage of your desire to be clean (Which is clearly evident in your story) Take advantage of all of your support, be in control of yourself. This could be a great opportunity to create some really wonderful music when the time is right.. Welcome! Heavy

06-24-2008, 07:29 AM	#13 (permalink)
Tazman53 Follow Directions! Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Fredericksburg, Va. Posts: 6,755	Evan we are all different, although I am not a musician nor an artist there are many things over my years of drinking that alcohol slowly took from me, looking at it now I see that I actually gave those things away to drink. I am 21 months sober and just recently have found the desire to return to many things I enjoyed before alcohol took me over. My advice would be to take things as they come, in thier own time, be patient, focus on recovery for now, the rest will come. I would imagine as a musician that your creativity will return with a new focus, it could be on recovery, it could be on your past, or a combo of the 2. Welcome to SR, it will all come with time if it is meant to be, time takes time so just be aware that nothing happens overnight, just keep working at your recovery as hard as you are now and things will work out.
	__________________ All BB quotes are from the First Edition of the BB Follow directions! Sobriety date 18 Sept. 2006 Sober today thanks to AA

06-24-2008, 01:24 PM	#14 (permalink)
HawkeyePierce Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Mankato Posts: 5	Hey Evan, Welcome. I am new here but I am also a musician. I have a hard time writing anymore and the worst is trying to start something up again. I am in the middle of starting another band but am dreading getting on stage again without the drink. My creativity it seems has gone downhill since stopping the drinking. I haven't written much lately but am going to try again in the near future. Good luck.

06-24-2008, 07:25 PM	#16 (permalink)
ex D-Boy Billionaire Boys Club Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Boca FL Posts: 238	yo ev dawwggg! glad you made a post introducing yourself on here. Check out the substance abuse forums also man , lot of great support and wonderful people over there....talk to ya soon bro be safe~~
	__________________ Lived through the worst and reversed the curse, heey!!!!!.

06-24-2008, 07:41 PM	#17 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 14,333	Welcome to SR HawkeyePierce
	__________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery...