frstnm

some things I do when anxious or having a panic attack
water
breath / relax
mood mender &/or sleepy time xtra tea by celstial seasonings
sleep if possible
call someone

least

took a nap. woke up to daughter insisting I take her somewhere right now. Ok, fine. The house is a wreck, I'm a wreck. I'm so sick of fighting all the time. I just want this to be over. Is that too much to ask?:praying

colagirl

I'm proud of you for resisting the urge so far. I made the mistake of giving into mine last week for exactly the same reason. Just remember that it may help temporarily, but you will eventually just be back in the same place again.

What helps me sometimes is to force myself to get worn out completely by going for a run or doing a hard workout. It's hard because I never think I have the energy, but it usually makes me feel better.

Keep us posted and stay strong!

Hevyn

Praying hard for you to get stronger, Least. I know just how you feel and how hard it is. The alternative is much worse - drinking to try and feel better, & the rollercoaster ride begins again. My worry is, you might not make it this time. You have so much to give and look forward to - I know you don't feel that way right now, but you'll come to realize it. Don't give up.....fight.

least

I am fighting, but I lost this time. Tomorrow is day one. I've done it before, I can do it again. I'm so weak. So human. Such a loser. I'm sick of my life. Sick of the trouble, the fighting, the kids, the lack of money. I'm just sick of it all. I'm sorry to disappoint you all, sorry to disappoint myself. I'll start all over tomorrow. Now I'm just going to bed.

I'm sorry, so sorry.

I am sorry. I thought I could be stronger than this. I was wrong. I can't stand the stress. I'm going to bed now. I'll be back in the morning. I'm sorry to disappoint you all. I'm sorry to disappoint myself. I'm just sick of myself and my life. I just want to sleep now. To forget it all for a while. Please forgive me for my failings.

Hevyn

Your honesty is appreciated & I respect you for that. I'm quite sure I wouldn't have confessed. It took me months to get sober after joining SR last August, then I blew it a few times. The reason I'm making it right now is because I'm terrified of dying if I pick up again. It had gotten that bad. The last alcohol I bought involved me walking blocks from home in the middle of a hail and wind storm with the streets all flooded. I couldn't even see a foot in front of me, but I had my little joy bag on the way home, & that was all that mattered. I just had to have it to tide me over until my husband got home from work with (what he thought was) our beer supply for the night. Little did he know I'd had 20 beers by the time he got home. I was one of those "hollow leg" drinkers. In your case, least, you need to figure out what you can do to make some changes in the life you are so miserable in. You can't do that unless you have a clear head. Didn't you think meetings were a good idea for you? You seemed enthused about going for awhile there. I don't go to them, but I know so many who've found their answer in those rooms. I believe you need much more reinforcement than you have now - it doesn't seem that you've gotten very good advice along the way. SR is wonderful, but this alone can't do the job by itself for some people. We love you - I think you know that by now - and we're all standing by you, hoping & praying you'll find your answer. Love, Joanie

colagirl

Hi Least, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Don't make it worse by getting so down on yourself. I agree that you need to figure out how to make the changes that will help you get better. I can't remember if you've mentioned it before, but are you going to any counseling? That might help you get some tools for healthier coping. I've been struggling with stress and depression lately too and just went to my first session this week. I think it will be helpful.

We are all pulling for you here and hope to see you back soon!

Dee74

I'm sorry. I really am.

But please don't spend the next week feeling badly - there's no point.
It just makes it easier for you to think of yourself negatively and to fall right back into this despair cycle again.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm not a slogans guy - but that one is Truth.

OK you missed it this time - try again.
We've all done it, we've all missed it a time or too. There's no-one here qualified to judge you or look down on you.

Today is gone.

See if you can do things differently in the remorse afterphase now - make tomorrow a real day one - a blank slate.

Start on the right foot, S - from Day One.

sleep well - see you tomorrow
D

jodyjody

Man I can so relate to wondering "what is wrong with me". I have awakened in the middle of the night the last few months with a cold sweat that fills up my cleavage if I'm on my back (sorry for graphics). I wake up not believing that I've become this again. I understand. How did we get here? Who cares. Let's get out of this crap
I'm having a hard time too. Not wanting to admit it. But I really am. So.....love and strength to you. Let's hold eachother up. Let's ask for others to hold us up. Let's do what the **** we have to do.

Daddio

Dang JodyJody. I'm looking for the Cavalry to come riding over the hill!! I just love attitudes like that. It's just a "Get the F--- Over It" kind of approach. Sometimes, that's all that one can do.

Dennis Leary once said: "Life sucks, get a bigger helmet"!!!!

PupMum

I think the censor here should put "loser" as one of the must-not-be-used words here!! Stuff your basic swearing, the "L" word is way worse.

And loads of hugs to you Least.

Don't know if this helps but the way I think of it is that overall, I have drunk less this week (1 sober, 4 drinking, 2 sober) than most past weeks. So you are/I am doing good and should be proud overall. Personally I know that if I think things like the evil "L" word, I will feel miserable and then figure, I am such "L&^%%" that I may as well drink and then downwards I go.

coming_clean

drink herbal tea, not wine!!!!

least

I slept fitfully, but I slept. Just now woke up feeling so ashamed of myself. My depression has been so much worse recently. Maybe that's part of why I caved in. No money, can't pay bills, not finding any work. It's too much for me to stand.

Now I feel awful and exhausted. I feel like I've just run for miles. I don't like myself much right now. Don't like myself for my weakness. I shall get thru today and hope I feel some better. Right now just want to crawl in a hole and stay there.

Thanks for all the support guys. I'm sorry I gave in. Please forgive me.

Dee74

there's nothing to forgive. Everyone of us has been there.

Leave yesterday in yesterday.

Dwelling on this only reinforces the low self esteem stuff and makes it easier to give in next time. Look at it by all means - learn your lessons, but...move on.

In my opinion this post drinking kinda obsessional remorse is every bit a part of your disease
as the drinking.

I'm speaking from experience here.
Clear the decks.

D

least

I'm drinking a cup of my herbal detox tea, trying to feel normal. I'm so afraid. So ashamed. So sorry for giving in. I don't know what is wrong with me. I was doing so well. I want so bad to stop drinking but seems I get pulled back into it. I'm afraid of myself. AFraid of what I might do. I seem to be fighting against myself here. Part of me wants to stop drinking, part of me just doesn't care.

Please pray for me. I need God's help as I'm too weak on my own.

Feel awful but I deserve to feel worse. I hate myself. what a loser.

Ananda

least - read the stuff you wrote on flgrl's thread the other night. Remember...the least of strength from the past and the least of strenght from the future are both by you on either side...loving you and lending you their strength to keep going toward your sober future.....you are sober now...you are already there....you just haven't notice yet.

Love you girl...you are already strong, sober and full of faith!

HideorSeek

Hey Least!

You're right, it does s***! But drinking just isn't an option for me any longer. It is hard and, I too, cringe when I feel anxious or angry. My first reaction (impulse) is to reach for a drink. I have to find other ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings now. I have no other choice.:ghug3

Rowan

Least,

Make a plan, and be ready the next time you want to drink.

I have major depression, I am financially strapped, and I have some big stressors in my life. It doesn't matter. Recovery is STILL possible. These can be opportunities to grow, and NOT the obstacles/justifications they used to be (in my mind).

When I encounter difficulty and feel like picking up a drink, I pick up the phone instead. I have many recovery supports available. I keep calling until I get someone. Then I get my azz out the door and to a meeting where I share what's going on. I might go out for coffee with girlfriends afterward and talk some more. If I can't get out due to the hour or some other reason, I might light some incense, burn some candles, run a hot scented bubble bath, put on some quiet music, meditate, pray, ANYTHING to slow me down.

I am an alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol. I cannot control or moderate my drinking.
If you are an alcoholic like me, this also describes your experience.

Enough with the self-flagellation. It's time to take action.

least

Please pray for me, for strength and wisdom. I am drinking to stave off the horrible withdrawals and want to be rid of alcohol once and for all. But I am so weak. I have no strength to draw on. And I fear that God doesn't want to hear from me. PLease pray that He forgives me and gives me the strength to get and stay sober. I am so afraid.

Dee74

I keep posting the same things here, S.
I hope you come back and read them - and take them in.

You need to change this cycle, and no-one can do that but you.
You have to act.

You don't have to do it alone - post here...see a doctor...see a counsellor...go to a meeting...think about rehab.....and keep praying.

Do something. Just don't drink.

Drinking to stave off withdrawal is insane.

if withdrawal is that bad - get to a doctor.
D