husband a drug addict

[mkwendy1]

I am hoping to keep this short and forgive me if it gets longer than I hoped.

To keep it to the point, I have major health problems, major! I have had numerous surgeries and almost died last August from one and many organs removed. I'm still sick but hanging in there.

I take pain medications and will possibly be on them forever. He has been stealing my meds for quite some time and got hooked badly last year, to the point of being hospitalized. He also recently had a grand mal seizure and it is unknown as to the cause.

I was put on liquid meds from the August surgery, and he was diluting my meds and drinking as much or more as was being put in my g/j tube. He has been stealing my other meds, that I began locking up and wearing the key, up until recently. He most recently got wires and picked my lock and that will be 3 weeks ago tomorrow and I kicked him out, out of anger. I couldn't take it anymore and this is something that I have dealt with...his pointing out that I lose my shirt with him. I am in Alanon now and working on my codependency issues.

I am also reading the AA book, been to NA with him, etc. He is 20 days sober and I think he thinks he's "arrived" but I am clueless if I should be buying into the fact that he thinks he's on his way to better. He still has pointed out what's wrong with me recently, not reading any books on these topics but is reading his Bible. He has said hurtful things to me, even recently telling me he's not coming home anytime soon and is getting an apartment; which we cannot afford with my health the way it is. He's also spending foolishly and doing "fun things" for himself and I am raising a 3 year old and being sick and broke. I haven't said he could come home, but he's saying he isn't and won't yet. Maybe this is recovery? Maybe this is his stubborness/pride?

He may ask how I am on IM but never calls much and is distant but we have had sex and maybe I gave too much too soon? The thing is, I don't want to push him into another woman's arms, by leaving that part out. He's never been the type to chase women, but if I ultimately want to stay with him I have to think long term and he needs to know I care. I have stopped the blaming I have done when angry before with his stealing from me, and he knows I'm working on me.

I guess my question is, should I be thinking he's better or actually working his program or go with my intuition that his pride is hurt and he's really not being honest with himself yet. I guess I think I'd see a different attitude (humbleness like another post said) and he'd be trying to make amends to me. He'll admit fault but not without assigning blame but then at times, he will just admit fault I guess. I don't want him humiliated but I don't feel I see humbleness. I know these steps take time but another insight is he says he could control drinking and he wasn't an alcoholic and I know for a fact, it was a problem. I don't know what defines alcoholic but 26 empty bacardi bottles in his office shows a problem to me...however he'll say they accumulated "over many months".

So, any insight for me to help him is helpful. I want him to be healed and maybe someone can give what helped them get recovered?
W

[51anna]

Hi,

Welcome!

I moved your thread to Newcomers so it would get more responses.

I'm sorry about your situation. I really think you need to focus on yourself. Your husband will need to seek his own recovery when he is ready. And, you should seek support for yourself.

You might check out the Friends and Families forums on this board.

[ZombieWife]

I guess my first question is, what are your boundaries at this time? Is he kicked out for good? do you want him back? If he claims to be clean yet is still pointing fingers at you, well, that doesn't seem very "Biblical" in a sense, does it?

I think you should listen to your intuition on this one. You cannot "push him into another woman's arms," he will do that by himself without your help and any man who tells you that it's YOUR fault for them going to another woman (while STILL in a relationship with someone else,) is in denial, is sick in the head or is just that dense.

I also suggest the alcoholics' section of the board. They may be able to give you more insight into his recovery process?

In the end, it all depends on what you are willing to accept in your life and where your boundaries are.

Either way, loves of hugs your way.

[mkwendy1]

I am still pretty lost in this but I do know I won't put up with him and his drug addiction. I've had my fill of the lies and he is out for good, barring him being recovered.

I got an email from him and he stated that I have created a bad environment for him and for him to come home, I need to change the home life. I never said he should come home but this email was very cold, very distant, very "matter of fact" and also his words, "not a debate".

My brother in law just mentioned that he may have a girl he's seeing on the side. He's never been a cheater and we've considered ourselves soul mates but I have since re-thought this and he said in his email that maybe we aren't compatible. I don't think he would commit adultery but that doesn't mean he wouldn't talk to someone. I know this could not be changed by me but it's not as easy to just say "oh well" on that, as I'd like to.

Wendy

[CarolD]

Of course, your primary concern must be
your young child and yourself.

Your husband will or will not quit using.
He is making his choices and so must you.

Prayers that you will find your answers. ..Hugs

Welcome to SR!

[eaglesgirl]

welcome to SR...

My RAH "attempted" to get clean many times before he really wanted to get clean and actively work a program. In the beginning, he would play the blame game... I would doubt myself, and ultimately nothing would change. The more I worked on myself, it became clear that the blame game was an obvious sign that he was NOT working a program...just blowing smoke about going to hide his use...
Eventually he did seek out recovery, for himself, and it was very different...actions speak much louder than words when it comes to living with addiction.
You mentioned that he has 27 days clean... If that is true, good for him...it takes alot of hard work and continuous work to keep moving forward. The one thing that concerns me is the blame that he is laying on you. I read in the other forum/post, that he has blamed you for making it a using environment for him. That seems like such BS to me...you needed those meds for a medical condition, that does not make it an open invitation for him to use them and keep you in pain when there wasnt enough...

He will either truly seek active recovery or he will not...

Either way, just the fact that you are here, is one big step in the right direction for you!

Keep reading and posting....

[mkwendy1]

I am contrary to what he really believes, honest about things and want things to be crystal clear, to set the proper stage. He never said I made the environment for him to use (he's much too smart to say it that way :-), but he said I have done this or that or this or that and I believe it's his way of saying....I have this fault but you have yours.

His exact wording was, "Things change at home or I don't come home". I have actively tried to change him, in some sick "loving" way that's now obvious to me (but not to him it was nagging and putting him down), and let him see where he was slacking on responsibilities, as a husband, father and of course, the obvious of all the drugs. He doesn't pay a single bill but he'll give me whatever money he deems he doesn't need, to bills. I have never been in a situation where he puts his check into the bill paying account, as I do, and then take out what he needs for this or that.

See, in my healthy years, I didn't even need his income and he got accustomed to spending it on computers, games, etc. I don't believe he's bought illegal meds, except pot up to a few years ago, but he's always been totally irresponsible with money. I'm dumb for thinking I would always be healthy enough, to earn enough to not need his income....really, how stupid. Nonetheless, even before my health went down, I decided that we could be saving that extra money he had and get things done on the house that were needed and this changed the status quo.

We have been talking a bit about his thinking I'm punishing him by not having him here and I told him that this is his skewed way of looking at things. I'm not punishing, I'm giving him the rock bottom he needed and drawing a boundary between him and his drug use and me. He also is going to some Sober Cafe/Dance Club that I feel really uncomfortable with. I'm not jealous about him meeting anyone but feel he is in a vulnerable place and if this time is used correctly, by him, he could really grow into someone better.

Being in Alanon, I know this is something I can't make happen or control, but I am still seeing that with blaming and his poor choices of how he still continues to spend money and time, he's not quite there yet. We are financially in a bad place, and yet I hear he's going to movies, out to eat, paying for friends who go out to eat with him, movies, this Club with a cover charge (no drinking, no drugs, only sober people supposedly but who can gurantee that), he's began smoking again and now wants a vasectomy and to grow out his hair!??? We're 33 and he has 2 kids (one not mine) and this seems like odd behavior for a recovering person.

Thoughts are welcome. I am married and although my inquiries and thinking seem controlling still or not letting go, and maybe still are to a degree, I have to be able to make choices and decisions for my life too. It's easy to believe things on the surface but when you look at actions, it's a whole other ball game. I'm starting counseling tomorrow as well.

W