Does it even matter anymore? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

chiynita · 06-05-2008, 09:27 AM

Here I am waking from a 3 day crack coma. Induced by 6 strait days of constant using and running. I came very close to shooting heroin for the first time the other night. Also dodging a dealer for 4 days that really seems like he wants nothing more than to put a bullet in me for money owed.
I smell, my hair is in so many knots I will need to cut it off to get them out. My skin is dingy and scarred. My lips are chapped and bleeding. How I made it home is beyond me. I still have a couple hundred dollars left but am so drained I cant even think about wanting to get high anymore. My car is on a repo list. My family has finally disowned me. All except for the grams and that isnt too far off. Lost the job. Lost all hope for a better way at the moment.
My head is so foggy I cant seem to walk a strait line.
There is broken glass all over my room. How it got there I have no idea.
I really let myself go this time. And I see no way back from this one. I lost my voice from doing so much drugs. I am scared to look into the mirror and see the reality of this past week. I really did it this time.
Grams wants me to go to inpatient and then sober living. I kinda wanted to do that before all this happened.
But now I am so far in the BS I dont see the point.
I feel I am doomed to be this way forever. So does it even matter what I do now?
I have lost everythign I worked so hard to get back. I am barely hanging on to life. So what does it matter if I go? Just to get out of everyones way? So they dont have to deal with me anymore? Push me onto the system and hope for the best?
Why go when i dont even care anymore?

anvilhead · 06-05-2008, 09:45 AM

IF you didn't care, you wouldn't be HERE sweetie. undoubtedly you feel like hell right now and are steeped in depression, that's the other side of getting high. every time. you have the chance right and here and now to DO something different........you need to get your butt into a treatment facility as soon as humanly possible and turn yourself over to their care. OR the sh*t is gonna kill ya........the time for quibbling and sitting on the fence is OVER.....pick up the dang phone and get some help. NOW. i'll be damned if that demon drug is gonna take another fine incredible person down.....please get help. please do it now.

HERRERA · 06-05-2008, 09:45 AM

I Do Believe You Care, If You Didn't You Wouldn't Be Reaching Out. I Am A Recovering Crack Addict (i Would Of Been Broke The Next Day).
Have You Been In Treatment Before? If You Have You Know The Routine The First 30 Days Is Hell But It Always Gets Better One Day At Time. Can You Stay Clean On Your Own? Or Do You Need Some Help? It's Up To You Today Do You Want To Move Foward Or Stay In Misery? I Have To Go Now, Please Don't Stay Hopeless.
Love You And Take Care..........

***Rella927*** · 06-05-2008, 09:52 AM

Chiy I also do believe that you care or you would not have logged on here! IMHO you feel safe here which is great! We should feel safe here to let things out-

Chiy you are an amazing person that knows what they want and you are a gift to us here at SR! Please call someone and get the help that you need-do not be afraid to do so as your life is valuable all though you may not feel that now-it is!

Hang in there sweets you can do this I have faith in you

Your signature tells a lot!

Quote:

"True Failure...Is When We Stop Trying."

"When we long for a life without difficulty. Remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."

So please do not stop trying! We need you-and know you will shine like a diamond soon!

Astro · 06-05-2008, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chiynita

I am scared to look into the mirror and see the reality of this past week.

I feel I am doomed to be this way forever. So does it even matter what I do now?

Maybe reality is what you really need to see Trish. I've been reading your posts for a long time, you've got so many friends here who love you and support you, but I think even you'll admit that you're starting to sound like a broken record. What I fear is that one of these days you won't make it and you'll end up dead. That's reality, I've watched it happen to quite a few people lately.

Only you can doom yourself to be like this until your luck runs out. This isn't what God or anyone else in your life wants. Yes, it does matter, it'll only be too late when you're gone. I really believe that God has a plan for each of us.
So are you going to do whatever it takes to reach out and stay clean and sober forever, or do you want to keep riding the merry-go-round until it's too late for you?

I know you care. Please get help.

felly79 · 06-05-2008, 09:54 AM

You are so worthy of getting better, you will always be worthy of getting better. If inpatient and sober living may help then by all means do it!

Daddio · 06-05-2008, 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chiynita

Grams wants me to go to inpatient and then sober living.

Please listen to Grams. We can only do so much here in cyberville Chi. You need a human being in your life RIGHT NOW that can help you. Not later today or tomorrow - but right now. Please go get the help that you need.

I don't want to lose you.

Prayers for your healing Chiynita.

supernothing · 06-05-2008, 10:11 AM

chiynita- IT matters because YOU matter, ive slipped too but im back here and im trying to get sober again.
Please practice what you preach honey- and dont stop trying to get well

ananda · 06-05-2008, 10:19 AM

This is the PERFECT time to go to treatment....call up gram right now, tell her your ready. Call anyone who can give you a ride to treatment...call the treatment center and go now.

You really sound just like me the day i went. Those 30 days got me ready to begin the journey of sobriety.

benjiboy · 06-05-2008, 10:22 AM

Listen to Daddio...listen carefully....listen again...do as he says...if you do, things WILL improve...the choice, as always is yours...and by the sounds of it honey, the way your going you ain't gonna have many choices left, so choose wisely. GRAMS!!!!!!!!!!!
Much love to you.
Ben

stone · 06-05-2008, 10:25 AM

Trish, I hope it has beaten you enough times now for you to do whatever it takes to recover. Don't even think about it, sign up for inpatient and sober living. You owe it to yourself and your Grams to at least try.
Do it!

WendyS · 06-05-2008, 10:35 AM

You are here for a reason!! Your life means something or you wouldn't be here. Don't let the darkness overtake you get your body moving to a treatment center NOW, we NEED you!!
You can do this take a deep breath and make the move.

grateful2b · 06-05-2008, 10:35 AM

Chi, I am sad that you are in this place but I will be much, much sadder if you choose not to try....
I have enjoyed your contributions on this board, so much compassion and love, you need to choose to have compassion for yourself right now even if you have to fake it till you make it, you DESERVE, Chi...it is up to you...I pray, pray, pray that you listen to Grams, go to treatment, just put one foot in front of the other and do it, no matter what your brain is telling you , just do it, save your life, we care....you are in my prayers.....

gravity · 06-05-2008, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chiynita

So what does it matter if I go? Just to get out of everyones way? So they dont have to deal with me anymore? Push me onto the system and hope for the best? Why go when i dont even care anymore?

It matters because you are a very precious person. Your grandmother is pushing you because she loves you very much, is concerned, and wants you to be happy.

I don't believe that you don't care anymore. You are coming out of a "crack coma" and are bound to be upset. It is "false" hopelessness. It is the drugs.

Your grandmother sounds like a wise and loving woman. Listen to her. This can really be the very last time you have to go through this.

In kindness and concern, Don

06-05-2008, 09:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
chiynita My Heart Is With The Ocean Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Clifton Park, NY Posts: 4,789	Does it even matter anymore? Here I am waking from a 3 day crack coma. Induced by 6 strait days of constant using and running. I came very close to shooting heroin for the first time the other night. Also dodging a dealer for 4 days that really seems like he wants nothing more than to put a bullet in me for money owed. I smell, my hair is in so many knots I will need to cut it off to get them out. My skin is dingy and scarred. My lips are chapped and bleeding. How I made it home is beyond me. I still have a couple hundred dollars left but am so drained I cant even think about wanting to get high anymore. My car is on a repo list. My family has finally disowned me. All except for the grams and that isnt too far off. Lost the job. Lost all hope for a better way at the moment. My head is so foggy I cant seem to walk a strait line. There is broken glass all over my room. How it got there I have no idea. I really let myself go this time. And I see no way back from this one. I lost my voice from doing so much drugs. I am scared to look into the mirror and see the reality of this past week. I really did it this time. Grams wants me to go to inpatient and then sober living. I kinda wanted to do that before all this happened. But now I am so far in the BS I dont see the point. I feel I am doomed to be this way forever. So does it even matter what I do now? I have lost everythign I worked so hard to get back. I am barely hanging on to life. So what does it matter if I go? Just to get out of everyones way? So they dont have to deal with me anymore? Push me onto the system and hope for the best? Why go when i dont even care anymore?
	__________________

06-05-2008, 09:45 AM	#2 (permalink)
anvilhead in between Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 6,837	IF you didn't care, you wouldn't be HERE sweetie. undoubtedly you feel like hell right now and are steeped in depression, that's the other side of getting high. every time. you have the chance right and here and now to DO something different........you need to get your butt into a treatment facility as soon as humanly possible and turn yourself over to their care. OR the sh*t is gonna kill ya........the time for quibbling and sitting on the fence is OVER.....pick up the dang phone and get some help. NOW. i'll be damned if that demon drug is gonna take another fine incredible person down.....please get help. please do it now.
anvilhead in between Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 6,837

06-05-2008, 09:45 AM	#3 (permalink)
HERRERA bella Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: G.T Posts: 52	I Do Believe You Care, If You Didn't You Wouldn't Be Reaching Out. I Am A Recovering Crack Addict (i Would Of Been Broke The Next Day). Have You Been In Treatment Before? If You Have You Know The Routine The First 30 Days Is Hell But It Always Gets Better One Day At Time. Can You Stay Clean On Your Own? Or Do You Need Some Help? It's Up To You Today Do You Want To Move Foward Or Stay In Misery? I Have To Go Now, Please Don't Stay Hopeless. Love You And Take Care..........
	__________________ IT'S A MIRACLE WAKING UP CLEAN AND SOBER ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD........

06-05-2008, 10:11 AM	#8 (permalink)
supernothing Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: uk Posts: 157	chiynita- IT matters because YOU matter, ive slipped too but im back here and im trying to get sober again. Please practice what you preach honey- and dont stop trying to get well
	__________________ Damaged but not broken

06-05-2008, 10:25 AM	#11 (permalink)
stone Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: UK Posts: 10,720	Trish, I hope it has beaten you enough times now for you to do whatever it takes to recover. Don't even think about it, sign up for inpatient and sober living. You owe it to yourself and your Grams to at least try. Do it!
	__________________ . . . . .

06-05-2008, 09:54 AM	#6 (permalink)
felly79 Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Bellingham, WA Posts: 1,038	You are so worthy of getting better, you will always be worthy of getting better. If inpatient and sober living may help then by all means do it!

06-05-2008, 10:19 AM	#9 (permalink)
ananda Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Somewhere Left of Left Posts: 4,696	This is the PERFECT time to go to treatment....call up gram right now, tell her your ready. Call anyone who can give you a ride to treatment...call the treatment center and go now. You really sound just like me the day i went. Those 30 days got me ready to begin the journey of sobriety.

06-05-2008, 10:22 AM	#10 (permalink)
benjiboy Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: South of England Posts: 153	Listen to Daddio...listen carefully....listen again...do as he says...if you do, things WILL improve...the choice, as always is yours...and by the sounds of it honey, the way your going you ain't gonna have many choices left, so choose wisely. GRAMS!!!!!!!!!!! Much love to you. Ben

06-05-2008, 10:35 AM	#12 (permalink)
WendyS Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Riverton, Utah Posts: 47	You are here for a reason!! Your life means something or you wouldn't be here. Don't let the darkness overtake you get your body moving to a treatment center NOW, we NEED you!! You can do this take a deep breath and make the move.

06-05-2008, 10:35 AM	#13 (permalink)
grateful2b Leap of faith survivor Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: In the pines, in the pines.... Posts: 1,010	Chi, I am sad that you are in this place but I will be much, much sadder if you choose not to try.... I have enjoyed your contributions on this board, so much compassion and love, you need to choose to have compassion for yourself right now even if you have to fake it till you make it, you DESERVE, Chi...it is up to you...I pray, pray, pray that you listen to Grams, go to treatment, just put one foot in front of the other and do it, no matter what your brain is telling you , just do it, save your life, we care....you are in my prayers.....
	__________________ We are what we believe we are....C.S. Lewis You need to give up the life you have in order to have the life thats waiting for you...