Beautifully Depressed - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

October · 06-04-2008, 04:08 PM

I dreamed you were gone.

Suddenly i realize......i'm not asleep.

I'll follow you down until the sound of my voice haunts you.

You wake up and realize......your sun loves to go down.

The dream of you and all the things you say. I need you now.

Now that your gone...all of the stars have faded away.

I'm the son of rage and love.

October · 06-04-2008, 04:29 PM

I didn't take my meds just for today.....

So i could just sit around.......dry my eyes....and feel sorry for myself.

Drinking tonight........just a sixpack.

I think i'm going to cut tonight.

I feel so useless and alone. Useless and a waste.

October · 06-04-2008, 05:16 PM

Well don't be lonely now.

Dry your wounded eyes.

I don't know what the $#@% to think anymore.....i'm confused....i feel wired, tired, wierd, maybe i should have taken my meds today.
I really wanted to cut.....to show them hurt.....now.....i feel empty and alone.
I don't know what i might do tonight......i just don't feel anything right now.
Empty.....and low.

suki44883 · 06-04-2008, 05:23 PM

Please don't cut, October. Talk to your friends at BUS...you said they understood. Prayers going out to you, hon.

Krissy41 · 06-04-2008, 05:27 PM

Please don't cut. I have a son that went through that. I wish I could just give you a hug. And yes please keep writing down how you feel, let the pain out. If you have people you can be with that will help go be with them and talk it thru.

October · 06-04-2008, 05:28 PM

I'm PM'ing with a friend..........and CAN'T get the BUS site online tonight...............trying to cope with this tonight......i don't want to cut anymore than you want me to either believe me......i don't know what else to do but talk to friends here without BUS........i'm so sorry to be laying this on you guys......%$#@# i'm sorry.....i'm trying, i hope you believe me.

suki44883 · 06-04-2008, 05:30 PM

Keep chatting with your friend and keep posting here. You aren't laying anything on us...we are here to help.

October · 06-04-2008, 05:31 PM

i really should have kept that to myself......i feel really stupid now.

it kills me to hear other people who know about this.....i know.......

i gotta go soon. i never should have said that i'm sorry and i'll deal with this.

suki44883 · 06-04-2008, 05:34 PM

You have no reason to feel stupid at all! Please don't leave.

October · 06-04-2008, 05:47 PM

no worries......just a little one or two.......this belongs on BUS but i can't get there.........i satisfied the urge a little.......just a very little so no worries and i'll be fine.

I don't believe i'll do anymore tonight ........i saw a little blood, that should be enough......just a few crimson tears and i'm ok. Better.....a little better.

October · 06-06-2008, 08:31 AM

I finally got BUS to load........i harmed two nights in a row, but am seeking some solace with the folks at bus........just wanted everyone to know i am trying. I don't mean to upset anyone here......i love and need ALL you guys here so much. I'm asking at bus for help........just wanted you guys to know that. Thank you all for being there for me. October.

October · 06-06-2008, 08:44 AM

i'm not being lyrical.........or esoteric. i'm just asking for some help and support......being a self harmer with a 20 year history isn't something i take lightly.......i promise to keep the bulk of this on BUS.......i just want you guys to know i AM trying. I'm asking for help on BUS and here.

October · 06-06-2008, 12:12 PM

The chatroom makes me nervous.........anyone around tonight?

DSodaNow · 06-06-2008, 12:18 PM

Hi October- I just read this thread for the first time. I am glad that you were able to turn to this site for a place to talk. That is what we are here for.... please don't feel bad about it.

Not sure what BUS is, but I am glad that you were able to get it up. It sounds like a source of support.

i have experience with harming myself... I hope that you don't feel that you need to do it again tonight. Log back on here and talk to us if you need to.

ANGELINA243 · 06-06-2008, 12:23 PM

You can PM me if you want to. I will be online awhile...I have many addictions--cutting is part of my story...as well as some other stuff. You don't have to go through this alone--cutting won't solve anything....only gives some (temporary) relief. Trust me I have plenty of scars. You mentioned medication....why aren't you taking your meds?--what are you supposed to be taking?--if you don't mind me asking. Are you still seeing your doctor regularly?

October · 06-06-2008, 12:24 PM

BUS is bodies under siege...........thanks for replying here i appreciate it.
Time today is whizzing bye.......what experiences do you have? i would like to have someone to identify with.......i'm cutting again tonight....but not bad.......i'm off my meds today and drinking a little....just a few beers.....feeling strangely wired and in tune tonight.

ANGELINA243 · 06-06-2008, 12:33 PM

Why did you stop taking your meds and start drinking? Did something happen? I would usually cut when I felt powerless about a situation which I felt I had no control over....and drinking beforehand was usually a part of it--though not always. Sometimes I would just be really stressed out or angry at someone else--but would punish/harm myself--sometimes as a way to get back at them...as if to try to hurt them..if that makes any sense. You don't have to continue this behavior....plus if you are already depressed--alcohol will only make it worse. (Alcohol is a depressant.)

DSodaNow · 06-06-2008, 12:47 PM

October- I sent you a private message.... I will be on and offline for about 4 more hours. Please feel free to keep talking to me.

06-04-2008, 04:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
October ghost in the machine Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: on the floor Posts: 247	Beautifully Depressed I dreamed you were gone. Suddenly i realize......i'm not asleep. I'll follow you down until the sound of my voice haunts you. You wake up and realize......your sun loves to go down. The dream of you and all the things you say. I need you now. Now that your gone...all of the stars have faded away. I'm the son of rage and love.
	__________________ I can't help the feeling. I could blow through the ceiling. If i could just turn and run.

06-04-2008, 04:29 PM	#2 (permalink)
October ghost in the machine Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: on the floor Posts: 247	Walking Alone I didn't take my meds just for today..... So i could just sit around.......dry my eyes....and feel sorry for myself. Drinking tonight........just a sixpack. I think i'm going to cut tonight. I feel so useless and alone. Useless and a waste.
	__________________ I can't help the feeling. I could blow through the ceiling. If i could just turn and run.

06-04-2008, 05:16 PM	#3 (permalink)
October ghost in the machine Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: on the floor Posts: 247	confliction Well don't be lonely now. Dry your wounded eyes. I don't know what the $#@% to think anymore.....i'm confused....i feel wired, tired, wierd, maybe i should have taken my meds today. I really wanted to cut.....to show them hurt.....now.....i feel empty and alone. I don't know what i might do tonight......i just don't feel anything right now. Empty.....and low.
	__________________ I can't help the feeling. I could blow through the ceiling. If i could just turn and run.

06-04-2008, 05:27 PM	#5 (permalink)
Krissy41 Captain Lurker Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: California Posts: 1,180	Please don't cut. I have a son that went through that. I wish I could just give you a hug. And yes please keep writing down how you feel, let the pain out. If you have people you can be with that will help go be with them and talk it thru.
	__________________ "The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." Buddha

06-04-2008, 05:28 PM	#6 (permalink)
October ghost in the machine Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: on the floor Posts: 247	i'm trying I'm PM'ing with a friend..........and CAN'T get the BUS site online tonight...............trying to cope with this tonight......i don't want to cut anymore than you want me to either believe me......i don't know what else to do but talk to friends here without BUS........i'm so sorry to be laying this on you guys......%$#@# i'm sorry.....i'm trying, i hope you believe me.
	__________________ I can't help the feeling. I could blow through the ceiling. If i could just turn and run.

06-04-2008, 05:23 PM	#4 (permalink)
suki44883 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Texas Posts: 1,391	Please don't cut, October. Talk to your friends at BUS...you said they understood. Prayers going out to you, hon.

06-04-2008, 05:30 PM	#7 (permalink)
suki44883 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Texas Posts: 1,391	Keep chatting with your friend and keep posting here. You aren't laying anything on us...we are here to help.

06-04-2008, 05:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
October ghost in the machine Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: on the floor Posts: 247	not plying for attention i really should have kept that to myself......i feel really stupid now. it kills me to hear other people who know about this.....i know....... i gotta go soon. i never should have said that i'm sorry and i'll deal with this.
	__________________ I can't help the feeling. I could blow through the ceiling. If i could just turn and run.

06-04-2008, 05:34 PM	#9 (permalink)
suki44883 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Texas Posts: 1,391	You have no reason to feel stupid at all! Please don't leave.

06-04-2008, 05:47 PM	#10 (permalink)
October ghost in the machine Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: on the floor Posts: 247	just a little no worries......just a little one or two.......this belongs on BUS but i can't get there.........i satisfied the urge a little.......just a very little so no worries and i'll be fine. I don't believe i'll do anymore tonight ........i saw a little blood, that should be enough......just a few crimson tears and i'm ok. Better.....a little better.
	__________________ I can't help the feeling. I could blow through the ceiling. If i could just turn and run.

06-06-2008, 08:31 AM	#11 (permalink)
October ghost in the machine Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: on the floor Posts: 247	Made it to BUS I finally got BUS to load........i harmed two nights in a row, but am seeking some solace with the folks at bus........just wanted everyone to know i am trying. I don't mean to upset anyone here......i love and need ALL you guys here so much. I'm asking at bus for help........just wanted you guys to know that. Thank you all for being there for me. October.
	__________________ I can't help the feeling. I could blow through the ceiling. If i could just turn and run.

06-06-2008, 08:44 AM	#12 (permalink)
October ghost in the machine Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: on the floor Posts: 247	seriously..... i'm not being lyrical.........or esoteric. i'm just asking for some help and support......being a self harmer with a 20 year history isn't something i take lightly.......i promise to keep the bulk of this on BUS.......i just want you guys to know i AM trying. I'm asking for help on BUS and here.
	__________________ I can't help the feeling. I could blow through the ceiling. If i could just turn and run.

06-06-2008, 12:12 PM	#13 (permalink)
October ghost in the machine Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: on the floor Posts: 247	anyone around? The chatroom makes me nervous.........anyone around tonight?
	__________________ I can't help the feeling. I could blow through the ceiling. If i could just turn and run.

06-06-2008, 12:18 PM	#14 (permalink)
DSodaNow Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 249	Hi October- I just read this thread for the first time. I am glad that you were able to turn to this site for a place to talk. That is what we are here for.... please don't feel bad about it. Not sure what BUS is, but I am glad that you were able to get it up. It sounds like a source of support. i have experience with harming myself... I hope that you don't feel that you need to do it again tonight. Log back on here and talk to us if you need to.
DSodaNow Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 249

06-06-2008, 12:23 PM	#15 (permalink)
ANGELINA243 We Do Recover Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 824	You can PM me if you want to. I will be online awhile...I have many addictions--cutting is part of my story...as well as some other stuff. You don't have to go through this alone--cutting won't solve anything....only gives some (temporary) relief. Trust me I have plenty of scars. You mentioned medication....why aren't you taking your meds?--what are you supposed to be taking?--if you don't mind me asking. Are you still seeing your doctor regularly?
	__________________

06-06-2008, 12:24 PM	#16 (permalink)
October ghost in the machine Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: on the floor Posts: 247	bodies under siege BUS is bodies under siege...........thanks for replying here i appreciate it. Time today is whizzing bye.......what experiences do you have? i would like to have someone to identify with.......i'm cutting again tonight....but not bad.......i'm off my meds today and drinking a little....just a few beers.....feeling strangely wired and in tune tonight.
	__________________ I can't help the feeling. I could blow through the ceiling. If i could just turn and run.

06-06-2008, 12:33 PM	#17 (permalink)
ANGELINA243 We Do Recover Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 824	Why did you stop taking your meds and start drinking? Did something happen? I would usually cut when I felt powerless about a situation which I felt I had no control over....and drinking beforehand was usually a part of it--though not always. Sometimes I would just be really stressed out or angry at someone else--but would punish/harm myself--sometimes as a way to get back at them...as if to try to hurt them..if that makes any sense. You don't have to continue this behavior....plus if you are already depressed--alcohol will only make it worse. (Alcohol is a depressant.)
	__________________

06-06-2008, 12:47 PM	#18 (permalink)
DSodaNow Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 249	October- I sent you a private message.... I will be on and offline for about 4 more hours. Please feel free to keep talking to me.
DSodaNow Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 249