Its day 79...

[crispy77]

...and I feel like i am dying inside.

Today I write you all from between the sheets of my bed. My bed has forever been my friend and favorite place to hide from the world. it has been awhile since I have felt a feeling such as this--I am not sure whether I should welcome it or run from it. I fear opening old doors and habits right now, all the while acting out one of my favorites--Sleep the day away and hopefully things will seem magically better when I decide I am ready to take on life again. The emptyness in my gut is back with a vengence. I am not sure what to do with myself. I want to cry but can't. I just find myself here hiding away with my hands clasped together running my "sobriety" mantras through my head and praying to God about my life.

I went to a meeting tonight. I held my big book close to my chest and prayed. I feel afraid overwhelmed lonely and out of control. I am eating everything that I see. Is this normal? Is this emotion is like? How long will things be like this until this passes?

I have been waking up with this feeling the last few days now and so far nothing has helped. I have been patiently waiting for new distractions to come about. Perhaps tomorrow is that day. I am not willing to give up yet but this pain inside is so intense I dont know what to do. (Rest assured I am not suicidal or anything--just VERY overwhelmed.)

Most people in my life would never think that I would ever feel this way. I am sick and tired of being the strong one. Today I hurt damn it. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Sorry eveyone for my erratic post. Thanks for listening.

[Hope]

No need to apologize. Thanks for sharing that. It helps to talk about it.
I'm sorry you are going through this difficult spot.

I feel exactly the same way you do. I can relate to everything you write.

The only way out is to keep pushing forward through these feelings. It is not easy and it is very painful but these feelings will pass. Although you may not realize it at the moment, by facing these feelings and staying sober, you are growing. There is always something to learn and new ways to grow each time we face a difficult situation.

Keep reaching out. You are not alone!
Sending these big hugs for you!

We do care and we are here for you!

[crispy77]

Thank you for that Hope4life. The fact that you can relate means so much to me.

[barb dwyer]

{{{{{{{{ Crispy ! }}}}}}}}}

I was thinking about you right before my days off - so GLAD to hear from you ...
even tho it appears so .. dire.

Things WILL level out!
Truly!

We begin to learn to integrate...
then we begin to prioritize ... (prioritise?)
put ducks in their proper order ...

it does happen.
I'm so GLAD to read you're sticking with meetings and your reading ... whew!

[chiynita]

I just want to congratulate you on your time.

And even more so because you are feeling like you are and still willing to keep fighting.
That is what true recovery is. In my opinion.
You sound like your in it to win and honey..If times like these you stay strong like your doing.
I have nothing but respect and joy for you.
It will pass.
e all have these days.
Really every one of us have always had days like that. EVen before we used and during.
Your doing fantastic.

[mxchaos]

keep your right fot forward
one day at a time
things will get better

[crispy77]

Thanks for all the kind words. I think today will be better. I have a long day at work and that is a fantastic distraction. And I keep moving forward!

[51anna]

Hi Crispy,

Good for you on 79 days sober!

Have you considered talking to your dr, that maybe you are depressed and medication might help? Just a suggestion.

[warrens]

Crispy

Thank goodness that you ARE sober. Well done.

I have no credentials, just deep experience. And your symptoms are not unlike those in people who have severe depression. I agree with Anna about seeing a doctor. If you do have depression and it responds to the right medication, it can be like the difference between night and day.

Millions of people, including myself and my family, lead whole lives with the help of a good doctor and a good diagnosis. Do see a doctor. You deserve to feel well.

warren

[Hevyn]

Hi Crispy - been where you are many times the past 4 months. That's what I love about SR, no matter how strange we think our feelings are, others have had them before. Someone on here said "some things just have to be endured" - wish I could remember who, & what they were referring to, but it is so true. No shortcuts for us when we're recovering - we have to forge ahead. Having feelings that we've shoved down for a long time (in my case decades) is scary and new to us. It has to happen, though - we can give in to them a little, cry a little, feel a little desperate even-as long as we don't prolong the inevitable by drinking to get rid of the discomfort. Every time we get through a day like the one you're having, we grow a little stronger. Many people give up and give in at this stage - be proud that you're not doing that. Everything you're feeling is totally normal! Love, Joanie

[Impurrfect]

Congrats on 79 days!!

I do hope you see a doctor. I was put on antidepressants years ago and I felt like it was a failure on my part to not be able to "snap out of it". The doctor explained it is a chemical imbalance and you can't just "snap out of it". It may just be a part of your recovery growth, but it doesn't hurt to be checked out.

I think you are doing really good. Getting through this and not picking up is wonderful!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Rella927]

Congrats on 79 days! Moving in the right direction and it will get easier and prayers

[butterfly19]

Roses for one of my sweetest friends!

My sweet Crispy! So sorry you are hurting--my heart aches knowing that you are so unhappy at the moment. However, at the same time, my heart can soar for you, for being such an incredible inspiration. I mean 79 days WOW!!!!! You are doing a great job I assure you, you've just found yourself in a bit of a rut. Like others here have said, we have all experienced it. The important thing is to not get stuck in that rut!!!!!

You know what Cris? It's OK to hurt, to cry, to scream, to hate the world! You don't always have to be the strong one! Be the one who is vulnerable for awhile because at the moment that is what you are feeling. Then you're strength will come back as strong as before. It takes time, patience, and friends. And we are here for you, just as you've been here for us! Let our shoulders be the ones you cry on instead of the other way around for a change! Take care of YOU luv! Don't you hesitate to ever let me know if you need anything at all! You know you were one of the first people I met here and you've had a terrific impact on my life. I'll forever be grateful for you!!!!

Love you,

SP

p.s.: If I could give you the biggest hug in the world right now, it still might not be enough. But that's sure as he.ll not going to prevent me from trying to!! So close your eyes sweetie and take a moment to feel the love!

Did that one get you rolling out of bed?

[Astro]

A powerful post crispy, I admire your honesty. There were so many experiences I could relate to. Congratulations on your 79 days, that in itself is an accomplishment to be proud of.

Life for me somewhere around 79 days felt miserable. Most days I'd come home from work (amazing that I was able to work at all) and lie in bed. On the nights I had custody of my children I'd make them something to eat in the microwave and plop them in front of the TV, and I'd just lay motionless in bed. My diet consisted of Pop-Tarts for breakfast, cookies and chips for lunch, and a microwave meal for dinner. I ballooned up 30lbs and three years later I'm still working on trying to lose that weight. Life was just going through the motions, I didn't care about living and I gave a lot of thought to dying.

The only positive thing I did for my sobriety was to try to make it to an AA meeting every day. I didn't want to work the Steps, didn't want to sit in group discussions, and didn't feel like being social. I just wanted to be left alone in my misery. But one thing I do remember from those meetings is that I could see just a shred of hope, and I wanted that more than anything, so I kept going back no matter how I felt.

After 5 months of no action in AA I was like a recovery zombie, I felt complete lifeless and I started planning "the easy way out", even spent a weekend in a mental hospital searching for the easier softer way. But before I took that route I gave it one more chance, I started talking to people in the program, I got a sponsor, and I made a commitment to start on the Steps. No surprise that life started to get better, MUCH better, and it didn't happen slowly, my experience was that it came on like a freight train. And while life continues to "happen" and there will always be setbacks, life in recovery is incredibly rich and rewarding.

I firmly believe that when I work on my recovery, work with other alcoholics and addicts, and spend some time doing service work, I'll be rewarded tenfold and loneliness will vanish. Not only do I believe it, but I've experienced it.

As Anna suggested, please talk to your doctor about depression and medications if you haven't already. They were a lifesaver for me.

[crispy77]

God bless you all!! Today the cloud cleared (a bit) and I am chugging slowly forward again. The kindness expressed on this board is earth moving and truely a tool stemming directly from the "big guy" above. I will get through this slump and be stronger and better than before. Thank you for your warm replies, I just needed a bit of encouragement it seems.

SP--you know I love ya girl. Hug hug hug right back at cha lady.

[Impurrfect]

I'm glad the fog is lifting a little.

Yesterday I was trying to work some things out to deal with one of my financial/legal consequences of using, and was hitting a brick wall everywhere. I decided to throw myself what my mom used to call a "pity party" but only gave myself 5 minutes. I got on here, and was also e-mailing a good friend from here, and within those 5 minutes, I'd gotten over the funk and figured out my options.

Sometimes, we've just got to give ourself some down time. My "pity parties" used to last all day, then I started putting a time limit on them, and I've gotten pretty good at keeping them short....of course, I've been working on this for 14 months! I did what the great folks here advised.....made a gratitude list, helped others, and got busy.

This may all very well be just a part of recovery and another "lesson". If it keeps up, though, I hope you talk to your doctor.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy