Day 5 - But Worrying about Friday

[pendragn]

Day 5(still dry). Not happy, but still not missing the booze that much. Someone fell off the wagon after 40 days I think I read. I’m not sure I can make it anywhere near that far before slipping. I simply can’t stop after one or two.

I start playing negotiation games. Key West in June. Max. 2 drinks per night. It won’t work. O’Doul’s? Perhaps tolerable if chilled to near freezing.

So after all this time, why quit now? My motivations are probably what most people would not expect. Dignity used to be important then I saw it stopped being important. Now, again, I see it’s just about the only hope in the end.

See, if I stop drinking now, I think the damage to the liver is beyond repair. Same thing with smoking and the lungs. I wish there was some quiet blood test for the liver I could take. Had a test within the past year. Don’t know if a standard test covers the liver. If so, it was within normal range. Maybe that’s not what I need to hear. You know, oh well, I can keep drinking, just cut down. One drink begets two. Two begets four. A geometrical progression.

I think I need to worry I am in some stage of cirrhosis, therefore…. I read this back and see I am not making a lot of sense.

Biggest challenge this week will be Friday afternoon. My son works in the morning. And we spend Fri. afternoons watching DVDs, good films, classics often. We close the shutters on our west-facing patio for the glare and heat and hunker down. We refer to it as the bomb shelter. No outside contact except ordering food. The next day I sometimes to do not remember what I had. Sometime I finish the movie, other times not.

The pattern has been to stop on the way home for a fifth of Johnny Walker Black while we watch our movies. I have no less than half the bottle, often more, once in a while the whole thing. I drink and I chain smoke. This kicks off around 2pm. By 5 or 6pm I cannot have a coherent phone conversation and may be asleep as early as 7pm. Then I awake at 2am, unable to return to sleep, wondering, duh, why.

Yeah, Friday worries me. I realize patterns play a huge part. The smart thing would be to do something else. But when you have male pattern stupidity like I do...
Joe D.

[51anna]

Hi Joe,

Yes, patterns like that can definitely be a downfall. I had patterns too, and I knew from the start that I needed to change my daily routines and the patterns that I followed. I really made a point of planning to be doing something else at the times I would have been drinking and it really helped me a lot during the first few weeks.

[fallingdown]

Joe-
I understand. Weekends have been toughest for me too. I just tell myself that I do not want to waste one more weekend being stuck in bed, miserable and hungover. It's amazing the amount of stuff you can get done Sat. and Sun. when you're not hungover. As far as your liver goes, man cirrhosis is nothing to mess around with. And I'm no doctor but I think that if you quit before you get cirrhosis your liver can recover and if you quit after you get cirrhosis you can halt the progression of the disease. But only a doctor can say for sure, seriously you should stop sticking your head in the sand and go find out for sure where you're at because it is entirely possible that you can still turn things around, or at least prevent further damage. I sure do understand how hard it is to break patterns but I think the results are well worth the effort involved. Like you said the SMART thing to do is to do something else, so do it! I wish you the best.
Fallin

[Tazman53]

Joe are you willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober?

Then do something different.

For me I had to change in order to not drink, are you willing to change?

I found a solution, I fought long and hard against the solution that worked for me, but once I started to change me things got better.

[Hevyn]

Joe, it's so hard to give up things you've always enjoyed, especially when it involves quality time with your son - wonderful that you have that kind of a relationship! For me, I just went about my normal routine, minus the alcohol, which I realize is not advisable for most people. I go to places with my husband and just drink a soda now. At first it felt so strange, but I've never been tempted to have a drink. I will not survive another binge, I feel sure of that. I know if I blow it and cave now, I'll have to give up going to certain places all together, and I will if need be. You have a great attitude, I hope Friday works out for you.

[Astro]

Joe, congrats on your 5 days. I've found over the last few years that I get out of my recovery exactly what I put into it. It's hard work, but the rewards can be priceless. After a few years drinking has ceased to be an option for me. I just can't fathom what my life would return to if I picked up again.

Here's something to think about.......

The AA Thought For The Day, May 9th:

Ifs
Alcoholism respects no ifs.
It does not go away, not for a week, for a day, or even for an hour,
leaving us nonalcoholic and able to drink again on some special occasion
or for some extraordinary reason -- not even if it is a once-in-a-lifetime occasion
or if a big sorrow hits us, or if it rains in Spain or the stars fall on Alabama.
Alcoholism is for us unconditional, with no dispensations available at any price.


Reprinted from Living Sober, Page 63, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.

[partygirl]

Hi Pendragn,
I am totally new to this, wow a big 3 nights (as of tonight) down. but i would think if it was me, that i would not feel safe behind closed shutters doing the exact same thing that gets me into trouble. I would go out where people can see me and do something different. Or go somewhere where people aren't drinking. I know watching classics is fun,but you could go to the movie theater. or out to eat and drink tea or soda. if you want this bad enough you'll find ways to not put yourself in a bad situation. i know it's quality time w/ your son, but you could invite some people over and have take out and sodas. keep the shutters open, let the world in. let people know that you need a little help and need to avoid booze, and i'll bet they help you. if they don't then they're not your friends. and don't be afraid to admit you need help. i know men can be funny about that. but it's your health and your life. pride never made anybody live longer (at least i don't think so!) take care and the best of luck!

[Hevyn]

That makes good sense, Partygirl - much safer that way. As I said, not advisable for everyone to do the same old things - in my case, I'd have to move away from this town in order to avoid being around alcohol, it's a resort with a bar/restaurant on every corner.

[Hope4life]

Focus on today. Focus on Friday when it gets here. Make a plan for how you will handle Friday. Have it wrote out. Plan alternative ways to deal in case you begin to get cravings. Also, don't think negative. Instead of telling yourself that you don't know if you can make it that far, start telling yourself that you can and will make it. If you think negative, you will already be defeated from the get-go. So tell yourself you will make it, make a plan, and stay in today. Keep posting.

[pendragn]

Thanks everyone for your input. I'm in a little state of mental paralysis. You are all absolutely right about patterns, I just don't know if I can do it. I feel like I could slip at any time.

Funny, I started teaching at a local community college last fall. In the Spring I had classes that ended at 4:45pm four days a week. That helped because at the very least it meant not drinking until I got home at 5:30 instead of early afternoon.

If I had the guts. Saw my doctor this morning. A checkup he ordered. More like a checkin. He does NOT know about my drinking. Few do. If I or he wanted to do blood work for the liver, my current ####-ing health insurance won't pay for it.

Like I said earlier, it's better if I don't know and worry about it. That will impose some restraint.
Joe D

[Tazman53]

Joe mental paralysis can and does take the majority of us alcoholics to our graves, I saw my death from alcoholism and it scared the crap out of me!!!

I took action, the action I took was to see a doctor, be totally honest with the doctor about my drinking and to start accepting guidance and help!

A life preserver is just as good as an anchor when the drowning man refuses to grab either one thrown to him!