lost my way...

[Conez]

sober 40+ odd days and i've picked up a drink.... i can't stop drinking... i've let my self down but i don't care. i don't know what to say to my sponsor... i told her i'd call before i picked up a drink.. but i didn't... i don't wana show my face in AA again... how do i justify this slip??? things got too much and i turned to the drink.... i'm a failure and always will be!

[ANGELINA243]

That's your disease talking to you! Don't give into it that easily! My suggestion--get some rest and call your sponsor tomorrow--tell her the truth. She will understand--the most "normal" thing for us to do is drink. Your being open/honest here shows that you haven't totally given up yet. There is still hope for you--you are alive!

[chiynita]

I agree with Ang.
And if you didnt have a conscious to it. That would tell me you really didnt care.
If you were to walk right into a meeting drunk as hell and not give a shyt. Then I would probably think you didnt care.
There is no shame in slipping.
It happens. What you do afterwards is what counts.
You can get right back up and keep trying.
After all....Thats really all we can do. Is try.

[Dean62]

I'm very proud of your 40+ days I know how hard that was and you did great.

I understand the feelings of shame, failure and letting yourself down. There is not much you can do about that right now. First thing in the morning call yours sponsor. Don't waste time trying to justify drinking. Things got too much and you turned to the drink, that's what happened. Your not a failure you just drank some alcohol.

My prayers are with you Conez.

[Honu]

I agree. That's what we do. Alcoholics drink. Don't beat yourself up! Every day is a new day to start all over again. We've all relapsed. More times than I can count, for me, anyway. It's a horrible feeling, but, you just have to start over. Go call your sponsor, be honest, and start over. You can do it.

Honu

[ken67]

Originally Posted by Conez

i don't wana show my face in AA again...

Conez,
AA is full of people that have slipped, and fallen, and crashed and burned.
If nobody ever went back after an unsuccessful attempt to quit, the Program wouldn't exist today.

Call your sponsor and get your ass back there......they'll welcome you with open arms, guaranteed!!!

[bballdad]

Conez,glad you are being honest with us and yourself.
you`re getting good encouragement here too....I had slips for one yr.I felt the same as you.I did not want to show my face in aa again either.I was ashamed.I felt like a failure.

My fear and pride kept me dishonest for some time,until the pain of drinking and living beat me back into those doors.

I finally saw I really was a failure-at drinking.I could not drink successfully.I saw I was a failure at many things..but what I have learned is this,I may have failed at a few things,but that does not mean I always will be a failure..I am not a failure at life today.I am not a failure at sobriety today.
You may feel like a failure today and you may feel like you always will be.I hope you realize thats what our drinking and our illness does to us.It beats us down and takes away any hope we can muster.It leaves us hopeless alcoholics.I had 1 spark of fight left in me when I went back to AA,and I believe we all do.You do.A paradox of AA comes to mind
we surrender to win

[51anna]

Conez,

Use the experience to learn and to move forward.

It doesn't have to happen again. You can do this!

[warrens]

Conez

If it were easy, there would be little need for this community. Few people would be motivated as they are to seek and give help.

The seeds of relapse are within us. They sprout long before we take a drink. We are often oblivious. Therefore it is important to engage with others who have been there. Meetings, sponsor, SR, etc.

Even though my time is short (this time), I often am able to predict relapse in various people. I hate when I do, but it can be very apparent. They simply exhibit attitudes and behaviors that I am all too familiar with.

My own opinion is that the best sponsor or confidant or mentor is one who relapsed more than once. Failure is a great teacher. Some people have a gift for spotting relapse in others long before it occurs. Finding someone like that and being upfront honest with them can be a lifesaver.

Best to you, Conez. The World Series winner still loses a bunch of games.

warren

[CarolD]

Just quit pouring down the poison
the sooner the better.

Yes...you too can quit...you proved that already.
Use the sober days as a base for your new start.

Your sponsor and other AA members will be happy
to see you in a meeting.
....Out of the house...into action

[tennis71]

Your not a failure, the fact that your back here posting about your experience shows that you do want to quit.

When I relapsed the 1st time I was devastated, confused and embarrassed. Amazingly things got better when I talked about it in a meeting and with my sponsor. Other people, long time sober types, opened up on their relapses in early sobriety. Others gave insight on how they avoided relapse.

I am not saying it is all roses, but for me it helped to open up to people face to face. The people in AA were not judgemental. They talked to me from experience.

Keep posting and think about getting that 24 hour coin!

[stone]

Some good advice here Conez. Your sponsor and everyone else will understand!

Just like we do.

[Ang102]

I agree with Carol - get out of the house. I have found that is one of my worse demons. Home alone. Bad news. Better to be out and talking to people

[Conez]

thanx everyone for ur encouragement... its a hard fall, i'm trying to pick myself up and dust off. i'm feeling very hopeless today, it was a challenging to want anything other than a slow death by intoxication...
...can't make much sense out of this, its so painfully numb... things that haven't been a part of me for many yrs are resurfacing. i've forged a sober start and found i cannot cope.
in the last few wks my desperation to feel normal i've back slid, i don't know why or how... a sad load of memories are flooding in and swallowing me whole... its been such a long time since these feelings were not masked by constant drinking and now have exploded into unmanagable fears and anxiety...

in the last few wks, memory of my earlier drinking days have consumed me... times when i was physically and sexually abused, drugged and held captive... loss and grief from morbid situations experienced... the pain of my living life and who i am.

things i thought i'd long escaped... still haunt me.... i can't sleep, eat or feel any sense of normality... just overwhelming hopelessness and fear of how i may survive this.

these many things mount and tear me down to a quivering mess..... i can't handle this anymore!!
i can't save me from myself.

[Tazman53]

Conez I want to thank you, you have helped me stay sober another day.

I want you to hold your head high for your 40 days of successfull sobriety!!!

The only thing you have failed at is drinking successfully! Big deal, you are an alcoholic just like me and thousands of others, we all fail at drinking successfully.

Want to be a winner?

Call your sponsor and help her stay sober today, tell her you want to surrender to the fact that you can not drink successfully and that you want to surrender to the winning side............. sobriety!!!!

Go to a meeting and pick up a chip, show the folks there you are coming over to the WINNING side because you are a WINNER!!!!

Want me to pay attention to every word you say? All you have to do is say "I relapsed and here is why I did." You have my undivided attention!!!! Sharing your relapse is sharing your experience, coming back and picking up a chip is sharing your strength and hope!

Do not be ashamed, hold your head high! You have spoken the truth and the truth will set you free!!! Take this experience you have gained in this relapse and share it to help others keeping in mind that by giving it away it is helping you keep it and others as well.

[warrens]

Conez

A beautiful share. As Taz said, you have helped others and I stay sober by writing it.

You certainly have a lot of stuff to process. Many people here have similar experiences. I am uniquely unqualified to give advice, but I think that others with similar issues find AA, etc only part of the therapy that they need.

I hope that you would consider treating your emotional needs through some kind of therapy. I hope those with similar issues in their past will give you support.

You deserve to love yourself. You deserve to become whole. You deserve a life that embraces you with peace, serenity, and safety. It may take more than beating back the demon. It may take fundamental attention to repair the damage done.

You can do it. Keep sharing. Get it out somehow, to someone. That is the first step on the journey to self forgiveness. You must eventually forgive yourself. We must clear our attics of the accumulated crap. It is easier for some than others, but it must be done, I think.

May you begin now...

warren