Newbie - Wife to 25 y/o alcoholic

[lillianrivers]

I feel weird posting my intro here, since I think this might be for alcoholic new member intro...so forgive me if I've made a mistake. Lately, I feel like that is all I do. I have been married to my (former) best friend for almost six years now and he's always had problems with drinking, at least since we've been together (when he was 19 and I was 23).

I have five children: my 14 y/o daughter is in a detention center for behavioral issues, my 10 y/o daughter, 8 y/o son, 6 y/o daughter (whom my husband has raised basically since birth), and the 2 y/o son we biologically have together. I wanted to leave my hubby around the time I got pregnant with our son due to the drinking and suspicions of cheating (later confirmed), but when I got pregnant, I considered the pregnancy a "sign" since I'd had my tubes tied three years earlier. I thought if I just held on, it would get better. It hasn't.

While my husband doesn't drink daily, he would if he could. His preference is Wild Turkey 101, which makes him mean as hell by the second swig...unless I manage to keep him in a good mood and tip-toe around him. He doesn't see it that way. He thinks he is just fine when he's drinking. Being the sober one between us...or hell, even on the rare occassion when I do drink with him, it is very obvious that he is not okay.

At this point, I don't know what to do. He is one of those drinkers who has been to jail multiple times for drinking, would drink while on probation, has swore he would quit, and who will stay out half or all the night doing whatever (not sure I want to know after all the things I do know).

I don't know what to do at this point. I was raised by an alcoholic and do not want my kids to suffer the issues I've faced my whole life, as a result of the alcoholism in my own upbringing. I do not under any circumstances want to divorce my husband, especially since I feel that it is better I am here at least to supervise and make sure he doesn't do anything TOO stupid. But I also know that is probably wrong and hundreds of other family members and friends feel that same thing.

I hope to learn a lot while I am here. I do not, however, hold out hope any longer that my hubby will quit drinking. He will either drink himself to jail or death before he quits. Two months ago he was driving drunk with a friend in the truck. I was on the phone with her trying to figure out why he was being so hostile towards me and hung up when I'd called 30 seconds before. He was speeding and while talking to our friend, I heard the truck go off the road and wreck. He flipped the truck five times, it landed on all four tires, and he drove to his other friends house a mile away before having to take our friend to the hospital for five stitches. She lied and said she was driving. How much more do I have to sit here and watch? How many more nights do I have to wonder where he is and dash thoughts of car wrecks and phone calls from jail? I can't throw him out, but this is absolutely killing me. If he's the one drinking, why is it killing me?

[Pinkcuda]

You can't make him stop drinking and you're not willing to kick him to the curb. Then your only choice is to live with it. Isn't it?
Since your choice is to live with it, I suggest Alanon. There you will learn to go along with your life and let him make mistakes until he is ready to do something about his issues.

[serenityqueen]

((((lillian))))

I have to let you know that I am not in any way being sarcastic by what I am going to say. Some of it will more than likely hurt. But the truth must be told.

Hon, your kids are already suffereing. Although my exhusband is not an alcoholic/addict, my son was only 2 1/2 years old when his behavior told me that he knew alot more of what was going on than I would have ever believed. His Dad would be gone at work for days on end and when he would come home, there was alot of arguing. One summer morning when I was potty training him and it was so hot he only had a pull up diaper on, he went into the kitchen and peed all over the floor. His Dad and I stopped argueing right away and as I went into the kitchen, I asked him why he did that. I will never forget the look on his face when, through tears, he said, "So you guys stop fighting." That's the last day his Father and I lived together.

You have to decide whether you want to protect your children from witnessing all of this or continuing to watch his destructive behaviors. He's an alcoholic and there is nothing you can do to change any of this. By continuing to let him stay in the home, you are only enabling him.

You ask how much more you have to take, that's up to you. Until this man gets help and works seriously on his Recovery, this is only going to continue. It's completely out of your hands. You can only Pray for him. The rest is up to him.

I hope you will continue to share with us. There is a great deal of support from others who either are in a similar situation like you are or who have been there in the Family and Friends forum. I will Pray for your entire family and that you do what is best not only for your kids, but for yourself as well. No one deserves to live like this. Perhaps letting him know that as long as he is drinking he cannot live in the home will be what it takes to have him seek help for his disease.

God Bless,
Judy

[itisatruth]

Welcome Lillianrivers. I noticed you posted on the Family & Friends thread; you will find lots of wisdom from others who have been through similar things. SR is a great site and I hope you spend lots of time here--reading and sharing.

One of the first things I was told when I joined, was the three C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. I always knew I didn't cause my addict husband's addiction, but I sure as heck tried to control it and cure it. I am finally realizing that the only thing I can change is myself. Today I am working on helping myself get to a better place. It is a slow process for me, but I feel so much better today than I did 3 months ago.

Stick around and take care.

[Honu]

Al Anon meetings are made just for people like you. Living with an addict/alcoholic is a horrible existance. Walking on egg shells, trying to make him/her "happy" so that they don't go into some [i]RAGE[i] for no reason, never knowing what you are coming home to, "is he going to be in a good mood, or a bad mood? is he drunk already? did I not clean the house to suit him?" All of these types of things can make YOU go insane.

Insanity. That's what it's all about.

Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting and listen to everyone. You don't have to say a single word, if you don't want to. Stick around and talk to someone, especially if they said something that 'rang home' to you. You need support, very badly.

If you are unwilling to leave him, at least you'll have support of others who have been there, right where you are, you'll learn some tools for yourself to keep from going insane, you'll have people to call when and if anything turns ugly.

No one there would ever tell you to leave him. This is for YOU. To help YOU to make YOUR life better, in the midst of chaos.

Best of luck to you.

Honu

[lillianrivers]

Thank you all for your support and for the record, I'm a very open and honest person (sarcastic as well..lol) so no one could say anything to me on here that I would take offense to. I know I've put myself and the kids in this situation and I know it is ultimately my choice. I just feel so torn. Though I didn't "consciously" know it until I came here the other night, I too knew I didn't cause this, but was in every way trying to control it and cure it.

I talked to AH for about two hours last night. I started off telling him that I apologized for trying to "change him" and expecting him to drop his friends, alcohol, and other bad "habits" that hurt me so much. It's like he says, he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, it's everyone else who does. I told him that is obviously how he wants to be, at least in my eyes. He told me that he is not "content" with himself, but has "given up." I so badly wanted to mention AA or something to that effect, but when he went to court-ordered drug & alcohol classes, he just met more "bad influences" and fell even deeper into this abyss.

I said that it was not right for me to cry and beg and plead for him to change for the kids. It's not my place to "make him change," as it is his choice and only he can make the changes to better his life. Before he could start with the promises to drop it all, I also told him that I cannot in good faith expect him to drop it, or even watch him chose me and the kids over that lifestyle, and live in a state of being where he resents me and I'm always waiting for him to slip up again. It's not fair to either of us, or the kids.

But, I also made it very clear that while I cannot make him change, I cannot sit here and continue to live like this. Even if he does only binge once a week or more (longest has been three months sober...that I know of), that is more than I can handle and should have to deal with. It is my choice to not live like that anymore and I explained that I "just cannot do it anymore." I love him with all my heart and soul, but as long as things continue like this...I can't and won't do it.

Again, thank you for all your support.

[HarryB]

You have to do something NOW for the sake of your children.

I was 'raised' by my alcoholic father and a mother that enabled him. She never took any real steps towards stopping him and he died two weeks ago from a combination of lung cancer and liver failure.
I've hated him my entire life for what he did to my siblings and I and it also ruined our relationships with our mother because none of us can forgive her for choosing him over us.
Four days before he died, at his bedside, I finally got the courage to tell him to tell him everything I thought of him and how I was glad he'd finally be gone. I don't regret saying it. I don't think I ever will.
It wasn't something anyone should be able to say to their father. You do not want to have your children growing up feeling the same way.

I don't know enough about your personal situation to fully comment on the effects it's having but if your eldest daughter is in a detention centre then it could already be having an effect on her.
I'm not trying to guilt you because guilt doesn't help anyone (my mother constantly professed her guilt but did nothing about it) but if things carry on the way they are going then you're going to end feeling more guilty than anyone else could possibly make you feel.

If you can't get your husband to seek help himself then you should at least try Al-Anon meetings for yourself.
I've never been to one but I know quit a few people who have been and said it helped.

[Honu]

Wow, HarryB, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. I honestly don't think anyone is ever raised in a "healthy" home. There seems to be a lot of co-dependence/addiction, something, and we are all wounded somewhere along the way, in one way or another.

LillianRivers, I do hope that you can find some good support! Congratulations on looking at this situation sooner rather than later! Harry had a LOT of great points, from the perspective of the children.....

Honu

[Tazman53]

Lillian the talk you had with him was excellent, I highly reccommend going to Alanon for you and Alateen for your kids.

An alcoholic (ME) causes a hell of a lot of damage to our families, and just like we need to recover from our alcoholism, our families need to recover as well, that is what Alanon and Alateen is all about..... the families recovery with or without the alcoholic being in the picture or in recovery.

[BUTTERFLY-7]