Nearly drank today

[stone]

In the end I did drink.

To have spent those last 20 days sober and really believing I meant it this time and then to drink again has really affected me, I feel like a fraud, to myself.

I feel like anything I say will just sound like BS, because that is how it sounds to me.

I had to admit that I drank though, otherwise it feels like I am deceiving people.

[stone]

So, I am going to an AA meeting tonight. I realise this could sound like BS again.

[caraway]

Doesn't sound like BS to me Stone. I've done the same myself. I don't feel uncomfortable about going back to AA - people can make of it what they will - I've been in and out of it for years. I daren't say 'this time is special' incase that sounds like BS! But, today I feel great - 135 days today - I've collected my 2 and 3 month chips and I feel better even than I did then - not that I don't have off days off course! I've got a great sponsor this time too and am doing the steps again. (Haven't done them for years! its about time I did them properly!)

[Nuno]

Trust me, this is for both of us...:

Just do something. Don't let the depression sink you any more seconds. Get up and do something... I'm going for a coffee. Where ever you are in the world and in your journey i hope you go out for a "coffee".....know what i mean?....

[ananda]

hey stoney - don't give up hope. I absolutely hated returning to AA and thought it would be horible. And for some reason....it was different that day. just continue to walk skillfully through your karma.....

[gypsy tears]

Originally Posted by stone

So, I am going to an AA meeting tonight. I realise this could sound like BS again.

I am proud of you and this decision. I know you've been before, but I remind you to go with an open mind. You are filled with your Buddhist readings and wisdom so go and translate what is said to something that goes along with the Buddhist way. It shouldn't be hard. Buddhism seems to me, to be the original AA .

If you drink again? Now that would be BS!

Love you babes .

[paulmh]

Here's my contribution.

"wisdom without deeds, as peace without truth, won't endure".

Rav Yehuda Henkin

Tell me - what is "bullshit" Stone? Is it an action? Or is it a state of mind?

[Missymae737]

Stone,

As others have suggested, a scan should be in order...

Meanwhile, great job on not drinking...

You can do this, I know you can, friend...

[gravity]

Hey Stone,

I had many false starts before I finally got the hang of sobriety. Kept thinking I could moderate, that I wasn't an alcoholic. This past Dec., I started working the AA program and have been sober since (step 1 firmly in place, today anyway ).

When people return to meetings after drinking, I really admire them for not giving up. They are coming back with more experience, knowledge about themselves so I believe them when they say "this time will be different". How can it be otherwise?

Whether it be AA or SR, I have no problem admitting when I am struggling. I'm certainly not in the running for AA member of the year . It's about honesty with others & myself.

Take care. D

[Tazman53]

Stone first things first, you know I love you no matter what!!!!

Don't ask the doctor TELL the doctor!!!! You need to get that head taken care of.

Buddist, Taoist, Christian, Muslim, Jew, Aethiest, agnostic or what ever, you know damn well what worked for you before, you also know exactly why it quit working if you sit down in a nice quiet place and get down and dirty honest with your self!!!

Paul I love you, I do not want to lose you and brother you are pushing that envelope of no return really hard!

Stop beating around the bush, you know what worked before, now get off your bumm and DO IT!!!!

You know as well as I do that your Buddism is a source of strength for you to lean on, AA is not religion, it is neither for or against any of them.

[stone]

Thanks for your responses everyone, as far as the brain scan goes, I asked the Doctor and he said no. I am getting another Doctor.

I know I am not the first to not 'get' recovery very quickly but that doesnt stop me feeling like a fool right now.

[gypsy tears]

You are not a fool. You have only done a foolish thing by drinking again. A dangerous and foolish thing.

Now knock it off and get a grip and just begin again. This is the last time you will ever have to start again you know.

[Rella927]

Stoney : As I have told you before you need to get those scans done-

I agree with a lot said above and Gyps said it great

If you drink again? Now that would be BS!

The only words of wisdom that I can give to you is that I have faith that you can do this and I know that you will. The greatest gift that you have given yourself is AWARENESS! You are aware of what you have done....and aware of where you want to be!

Now just start moving in the right direction sweets!

Love ya Paul!

[Rowan]

Hi Paul,

I hope you went to a meeting. I remember how well you were doing when you were working the steps with your sponsor and attending meetings. I hope you see that your way isn't working. I understand the draw towards Buddhism and finding a spiritual solution, but that can all be incorporated with your AA program. You're a good person who deserves to live a sober life - tell yourself that you'll do whatever it takes to get sober. You can do this, Paul. I believe in you.

Lynn xoxo

[Dee74]

As Gyps said, doing the odd foolish thing doesn't make you a fool Paul.

No-one here saw me struggle, often daily, for 15 years - I could have had a million posts by now had SR been around in the 8Os - most of them entitled 'WTF - not again ??!!!' LOL

I tried everything too - abstaining, moderating, exercise, hobbies, religions of all kinds - I even once was reduced to staring at a trippy dippy pentagram and chanting 'sobriety'....LOL

I was lucky in that I came here at the right time...and something clicked.
Here's to you finding your 'click'

D

[stone]

Just back from the meeting. It was good. Thanks everyone.

Pentagram.