Whew, What a Ride! It's OVER!!!

[Honu]

Hello to everyone. I'm new here at SR. I'm grateful that this online community is available!

Just a bit about me, and my "love" of alcohol:

I grew up in the South, parents were "teetottlers", father was a WWII dad (non-emotional and unavailable), yet worked 3 jobs to provide for his family. Mom was co-dependent, and did her best to make up for the unavailablity of Dad. When I was 14, I was a snoop, and found an anonymous letter sent to Mom in the mail, that Dad had another woman. My mother knew I read the letter, yet, nothing ever changed, nothing was ever said to me, it was as if nothing had happened. They stayed married until their deaths. I never saw them argue, disagree, nothing but the Cleavers...always happy. My father's 2 brother's were alcoholics, as well as his father (who died when he was 11 from falling off of a truck coming home from a "***** tonk", died 2 days later of internal injuries), and my mother had 2 alcoholic brothers.

I learned that 1) people don't fight, and to avoid confrontation if it ever came up, 2) if I was IN a confrontation, it meant that something was wrong with me, 3) if I ever needed Dad's attention/approval, I had to WORK for it, fostering intense codependency.

My uncles would come over drunk, laughing and having a good time. My Dad was always so serious, so intense, I really liked my uncles. They were FUN. I decided that nothing was wrong with drinking then, I'd rather be happy and laughing, than live like my mother was with my stern father.

My first experience drinking was at my friend's house (her parents drank, mine didn't), and it was at the same age as the "letter". We mixed her parent's Tom Collins, then, moved onto orange juice with vodka, then, ran out of that, and mixed TANG, (without water!), until I passed out, then got sick, and my dad came to get me. Nothing was ever said to me. Maybe they thought I'd learned my lesson. All I knew, was that I liked it. Even considering getting sick.

Fast forward to high school/college, I only wanted to have fun. Party. I had no desire to get a degree, have a career, nothing. I went to college because I had heard that you didn't even have to attend classes. So, I didn't. I remember waking up on the campus grounds several times, never made it back to the dorm. Also, I never declared a major, just didn't know what I wanted to do. I was raised to believe that I would simply marry, have kids, and be like my mom. I even went to Charm School in the 10th grade!!!

As my friends became "mature", started getting married, I thought to myself, "not me!" I didn't trust any man. I didn't date much at all. I went to parties, drank and just had a good time. I had to find new friends, and each time, they "matured" and I didn't, and I had to find new ones again.

Eventually, I landed a job that was a gold mine for partying. I've been in that job for 25 years. It's the only thing I've stayed with! (Except, of course for drinking). When I ran out of friends (who couldn't or wouldn't keep up with me, I'd move.) I've lived in 16 places, and to different states 8 times, just since 1983!

As I have gotten older, and more "mature" at drinking, it has become more isolating. I have made the "mature" decisions, to only drink at home, never drive after one drink, I stay off the phone and internet, and keep to myself. It isn't fun to drink with people anymore, because they simply can't or don't keep up. I never want to stop. So, alone, I can consume more in a shorter time, not **** anyone off, and no one ever knows. Right? No one gets hurt, Right? How's that for maturity??

Through the years, I have lost my mother at age 30, my father at age 37, (both from brain tumors), and my dog 2 years after my father, also a brain tumor. God hated me. So, my friend was my wine bottle. I calculated how much I could drink each day for the rest of my life with the little I got after he died. I figured I'd die first, and have enough money left for the wooden box for myself.

I was so alone, and depressed, I checked myself into a rehab in 1999. I decided to do what they said for one year, and give it 100%, and if it didn't work, I'd have permission to die. As soon as I got there, I'd found my new addiction. PEOPLE. So many hurting people there, I could fix them all. I couldn't fix my parents from their cancer, but, surely, I could make restitution with God if I could fix these addicts/alcoholics. I was in heaven. Didn't even want a drink.

I got hooked up with this guy, also in treatment, he liked pain killers. But, I thought he was there to get better, like I was, but found out that he was forced there, legally. It didn't matter. We were happy. Blissful. Everyone said it was a mistake, but they just didn't understand. We loved each other. (Ever heard that before??) He relapsed 3-4 times, lost 3 jobs, and finally, I had had enough, and left him 1 1/2 years ago.

I attended AA with him, (open meetings), as well as Al Anon, and was determined to fix him. I started drinking when he'd go out of town, and then dispose of the evidence before he got home. He never knew. I was just stressed. Living with an addict is very difficult, and I just needed a little glass of wine. (Which, means, to me, a BIG bottle). When I'd go out of town, I'd do the same thing. Get trashed in my hotel room, alone. Safe.

Since being away from him, I have gotten trashed every single night for over a year. I even started adding vodka with diet tonics to cut calories. What kind of rationalization, 'trying to control' is that? The end result is always the same. Also, after moving here 1 1/2 years ago, the "letter" re-surfaced in the bottom of a cedar chest, complete, still in the 3 cent postage envelope. So, my "denial" hit me in the face, really hard. Truths about my life started to re-surface at warp speed. I couldn't slow it down, couldn't handle the truth, and drank even more.

I have missed out on life, I have let alcohol, and my desire to "have fun" dictate my life for too many years. All I know now, is that I am now 48 years old, never got married, no children, no family, and my "wine bottle friend" isn't a friend at all. It has cost me my life.

I have told my ex about all of this, and he doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm trying to play on his sympathies to get him back. It's not about him. I've told my friends, and they minimize it, saying, "well, if I'd been through what you've been through, I'd drink too." My shrink said, "just try to cut back". That shrink is no longer my shrink, BTW.

The only ones who know and believe it is my dog, and me, and my wallet. The money I've spent is mind-boggling. I am just tired of it all.

I decided to stop on my own, first. I can't afford to go to treatment, and to be honest, I need to do it for ME, by myself. I got myself into this. I had a plan in case things went badly, but, by the Grace of God, I'm OK, and today is my 5th day. That's a miracle in itself! I don't ever want to go back.

I've made a list to read each day of why I need to stop, and beside it, a reason to continue. My stop list it 2 pages long, and I have two items on the "continue drinking" list: 1) Immediately feel "good", and 2) Death.

Last night when I went to bed, I laid there thinking of all of the things I'm grateful for. As I laid there, I realized that I had never seen my bedroom from the perspective of being in the bed before. It's kind of pretty. I've always ended up there face first in the pillow. I like looking at things from a new perspective. It made me cry.

I know the program of AA and Al Anon forwards and backwards. I know it all. I've never put it into practice HONESTLY, though. I am going to do that now. I don't want to live my life in isolation, depression, I don't want to get "mushy brain", lose my health, lose my job, I am TIRED OF LOSING.

I am most likely past the 'halfway point' of my life. The rest is going to be better, even if it is alone. I am doing One Day At A Time, and I am going to continue to ask for Wisdom and Guidance from my HP.

I know from experience from seeing all of those people I have met through the programs, that life CAN be better.

The funny thing is, that I really didn't know, or think that I had a problem. I don't understand that. I guess being raised in a denial environment had more ramifications than I had thought.

So, glad to meet you all, and thanks for all of your posts--they helped so very much.

Honu

[felly79]

Hi and welcome to SR!! Good to have you here. I like uncles too

[Rella927]

Welcome to SR Honou so glad that you found us! Please keep posting there is a lot of support here as you start your journey! You can also check out the other forums-Alcoholism and others there are stickies at the top of the forum you may want to look at too!



All the best to you!

[gypsy tears]

Hi and welcome Honu . Glad to have you here.

[KaiK]

Welcome!! You'll find so much experience, strength, and hope here!!


Kai

[Tazman53]

Good post Honu, you mentioned you had a hard time seeing your own problem.... one of the main symptoms of alcoholism is a denial of the disease!!!

Just to prepare you, a lot of folks become active in AA feeling they know AA inside and out, I highly reccommend when you start working the steps with a sponsor and going to Step Studies not going with preconcieved ideas. I have heard a lot of old timers share that they knew they were in trouble when they knew it all.

Please do not take what I said in the wrong way, it is great that you know about AA, I just said what I said to where you will keep an open mind.

[1963comet]

Hello and Welcome

Glad you decided to join in here.

[51anna]

Hi Honu,

I think denial is such a huge part of addiction. When I look at back at how I acted and what I thought, it's unbelievable to me. But, at the time, my mind was messing with me.

I'm glad you found us.

[Hevyn]

Many similarities in our stories, Honu. I'm so glad you've reached out for help. There's a huge variety of people on SR and so much priceless help to be found here. I guess you haven't had a bad withdrawal - that's amazing. Your upbeat attitude & sense of humor will definitely help with your recovery. Hope to hear much more from you. Love, Joanie

[Honu]

Thank you all.

Honu

[MsPlugginTheJug]

Honu,
Welcome to SR, I'm new here myself but it's a great place to be and has helped me lots!

It IS amazing how we justify and deny that we have a problem, but it's not our fault, it's bigger than us. The key is understanding and realizing it, because until then, I think it's hard for most to stay sober. I'm glad you want to get off the elevator that is going down, and hop on the one going up!

I can tell you, I never thought I needed to be on that elevator (or even in the building!), but I know where I'm going now, and I can tell you, it sure is wonderful!

Karen

[CAPTAINZING2000]

the love alcohol

led me down a miserable life for many years.


Glad to have you on the site

[mle-sober]

Honu,

I'm glad you're here. And I'm glad you're letting your alcoholism come out of the closet and into the open so you can heal. I was a secret drinker and that day when everything fell out of my so desperately contained decption, was one of the most important days of my life. The beginning.

One thing you said struck me in particular: "I decided to stop on my own, first. I can't afford to go to treatment, and to be honest, I need to do it for ME, by myself." Others here have taken issue with me before when I've said I don't believe any of us really quit on our own. But, knowing that you are looking to AA, and that the concept of a HP is not distasteful to you, I want to say that I think you have company where you are right now. I don't think you are on your own. I think your HP is there too. And now, we here at SR are too. So, even if a treatment program isn't in the cards for you, maybe remembering that you are not doing it on your own will help you be strong.

My first 3-4 weeks were so difficult. It felt impossible. But it turns out, I made it through. And you can too. Even when you need to pull out your list of reasons (great idea) and even when you are feeling desperate and alone. First, you're not alone. Second, we know how hard it can be.

I'm rooting for you,
MLE

[CarolD]

Welcome to our recovery community....

[a fallen man]

welcome aboard honu. god bless you. though my drinking level was not similar to yours.

for the past four years i have drank 16-20 ounces of 90 proof vodka EVERY single day. today will mark 25 days for me.

the change has been unreal physically and mentally. i am getting so much done but part of that may be me compensating staying busy so i'm not just vegging on the sofa wishing for some vodka.

i've honestly only had bad urges 3 times in the 25 days and made it through them. i have a few people at work that i have shared with and they'll ask me, how many days now? when i tell them they say "great".

but it was this board that gave me the strength to stop. every time i read about someone that had been able to even make it one day i was envious and jealous and wondered why i couldn't.

for the ones that relapse and beat themselves up there is always one of the regulars here to immediately lift them up.

i read this place 3 months before i quit and stayed quit 15 days before i made my first post. i'm a sports message board fanatic but this is definitely in my favorite places list.

good luck to you in your endeavour darlin'.

david.

[Ravensoul]

Hi there Honu. Thanks for your post. I'm also new here, and quitting on my own. (after about a decade of pretty heavy drinking, and yep, I LOVED to drink alone..I really identify with that)
It's GREAT that you are at 4 days with no problems (I, being really worried about possible health issues from cold turkey after reading about them recently...I had no clue....am on day 4 of cutting back to a few glasses of wine per day and working my way gradually down to nothing)

I did have a long-term relationship and 2 kids (recently widowed after 23 yrs, which is what gave me the kick in the hiney I needed to say ENOUGH! That and the levels of excess I reached in the wake of that trauma...scared even ME!) but I can also identify with your feelings that your drinking took your life away...so much I realize I have missed or not been totally there for over the years.

I ALSO appreciate how you describe seeing this as the second half of your life...yes, me too (though I think of this as my 3rd life...there was my life before I met my partner, then there was my life with him, mostly great save for the last few years, and now, this life)

Welcome!