I can't forgive myself

[LosingmyMisery]

I was engulfed in fear. I found strength through others and through my recovery. Work a program and you will find out who you really and can work toward approving your weakness's. We all have them. I like the sober me, but I had to give myself a chance before I found her. It takes work, but I know you can do it. Get a plan of recovery and stick to it. The alcohol fuels fear and anxiety. As long as you continue to drink you will be overcome by horrible emotions. Baby steps...

[Honu]

Least,

I planted 16 pots of flowers today, as well as 5 tomatos, 5 peppers, cucumbers, herbs, peas, squash, and I can't remember what all else. It was a great day. My dog had a blast playing in the sprinkler. The simplest things bring her joy. That's something that I have to remember for myself.

Keep it simple. Guess they don't come by these slogans by accident, do they?

I'm not drinking today, and I am going to go sit on my deck and enjoy my birds and my flowers. (I'm into my birds, too.) God takes care of the sparrows, and he will take care of me, and also you, and also everyone else!!! IF we let Him.

Honu

[least]

God may well care for me, but He can't house sit if I can go for treatment. my out of state daughter seemed less than thrilled to come home and care for the house and dogs if i am able to go for treatment. so i'm screwed. i emailed the treatment place and they said i would not be penalized for coming back a third time. but i don't know if the place in my town would send me (and pay for it) a third time. i am desperate for help to stop drinking but have no income and no insurance. it's very expensive.

right now it doesn't seem possible. i will call my local place on monday to see if they would send me to treatment a third time. I sort of doubt they would after I left against staff advice the second time. I was scared to stay a whole month but now wish I had. i may have screwed myself by being stubborn and willfull. i see no help for me. i am afraid of what will happen to me to keep drinking like i am. it can't be good. i'm afraid i will drink myself to death and i don't want to do that.

i'm also afraid of spending a month in treatment cause my daughter graduates high school this month and i would miss her graduation. i don't want to miss that, but then again, i don't want to miss the rest of her life either if i die from drinking. i don't know what to do. i am so scared. i'm afraid of myself. i want to stop drinking but don't know if i can do that and live at home. please God make it possible to stop drinking. i can't do this alone.

i also don't think i can put this on my kids since it's my problem, not theirs. i don't know what to do

the lyrics from John barley corn keep runnig thru my head

[Honu]

Do you have any neighbors or friends who could take care of your house while you are away? When I was in treatment, they let me come home to check on things (I had to bring another person with me from treatment). My neighbor mowed the lawn and got the mail, and a friend took my dog to live with her and her family. Maybe someone could housesit for you, and be there for your daughter?

The best graduation gift you could give her is for her mother to get healthy. I'm sure she would appreciate that. Maybe, if you are doing well, the treatment center will allow you to attend her graduation? Maybe even one of the counselors would go with you?

I just sent you a PM, also.

I am praying that you get the answers and the help you need right now.

Honu

[least]

woke up in withdrawals. don't know how i'll get thru this. no meds to make it easier. just cold turkey withdrawals. don't know what to do.

[ken67]

Pray.....drink lot's of fluids.....stay here on your computer.

You have a lot of people praying for you.

How about a 12-Step call? SOmebody could be at your house this afternoon.

[Pilgrim]

Hi Least.

When I stopped drinking I was scared too. I remember how sick I was. I know how you are feeling. It helped to know I wasn't alone so this site was wonderful.

I found I could stop "on my own and with the help of this website" for about a month tops. Then something scary would happen or there would be too much pain and I would drink again.

So I went to AA for help. People there were willing to go to any lengths to help me - it was really amazing.

This is my experience.

I went to meetings - one a day for a while and then a few meetings a week. I managed to make it about 6 weeks in a row once by doing that. And then I would pick up again. This went on for about 7 months.

In the end I got a sponsor in AA who showed me how to do the programme. A good programme that you do the way its intended is what you could seek today. You could pick up the phone and call comeone for help. Face to face help is very important because although we are here and we care, we can't sit with you and talk and make you a cup of coffee and take you to a meeting and hold your hand.

As someone said when I slipped for the fifth time - you didn't slip - you are an alcoholic who hasn't worked the full programme yet. It's what we alkies do.

If you are ready to take advice, follow instructions and ask for help, step away from the computer and pick up the phone.

[least]

tomorrow i will call our local substance abuse place and see if they would pay for me to go back to rehab. if they won't, i will call the salvation army. i will explore all possible ways to get sober. i need help in detoxing cause it's so bad now. i need to be closely supervised and helped thru withdrawal. i surrender to God, my higher power, i admit i can't do this by myself. i need help. i need serious help. the alcohol is killing me and i don't want to die. not like this.

i need a medically supervised detox cause i'm afraid of the withdrawals. i will call tomorrow to see about getting help.

[hope45]

Hi Least -I'm sending you good thoughts. Hope things work out for you today.

[BUTTERFLY-7]

least I Got this from one of my counselors here It Go's

"Failure is Success turn In-side Out"