I can't forgive myself - Page 2 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

tennis71 · 05-04-2008, 01:59 PM

A month is good for an alcoholic like me. Instead of beating yourself up think about how often in your life prior to this you have strung together a month of sobriety. For me, I relapsed after the first 2 months of my journey. I was heartbroken and beat down at first, but then I thought for a moment. Since my 1st drink in college, I had never strung together more than a 2 or so weeks and in he last 5 years, I never stung together more than a few days without a drink.

So back to your month - that is in short a miracle if you are an alcoholic like me. I am back up to 1 and 1/2 months and rolling on. I have 2 relapses under my belt in the past seven months. I accepted each relapse for what it was, asked for help, looked for triggers and worked towards moving forward instead of dwelling on my mistakes. I am a stern believer in "progress rather than perfection" and from your posts in the past and currently, I would say that your progress is tremendous.

Keep on moving forward!!

ps one thought - go back and read your posts from the start. See if there are any noticeable changes in what you posted, how you posted or attitudes of your posts. Use SR as a journal and see if you can look for signs to be aware of if you are nearing relapse.

least · 05-04-2008, 04:36 PM

I've not had a month sober since I started to drink a little over a year ago. Right now my whole being is screaming for a drink, just a little bit, to quell the withdrawal shakes. But I'm not giving in. I'm shaking like a leaf but I'm not giving in to the desire. I have to get thru this. I did it before and I can do it again.

Right now my dogs are my higher power. They depend on me to care for them and I can't do that if I'm drinking. The shiba is diabetic and needs his food and insulin on a regular schedule, which I can't do when/if I'm drinking. So for now the dogs are winning.

I'm so sick of the struggle. I will surrender to my higher power. I CANNOT drink anything. I must stay strong for the sake of my beloved dogs.

Thank you for listening to me. I have no one else to depend on.

Artur · 05-04-2008, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by least

Right now my dogs are my higher power. They depend on me to care for them and I can't do that if I'm drinking. The shiba is diabetic and needs his food and insulin on a regular schedule, which I can't do when/if I'm drinking. So for now the dogs are winning.

This is IT exactly, you found the key!!!!

....you have to do it for YOU first, so you CAN do for others.

Peace, Love, and Respect,
Artur

least · 05-04-2008, 05:06 PM

I think of my dogs as a gift from God. He gave them to me to love and care for. So my being 'whole' and well is to care for them properly. I've had too many nites where I woke up late having not fed them on time. I can't do that to the dogs, especially the diabetic one. His health depends on regular food and insulin injections.

I have to have someone, some 'thing' to hang on to to keep me sane and sober. The dogs are that 'thing'. Besides, I think God gave them into my care. So i cannot, will not screw up, as their lives depend on me.

Am I making any sense? I'm grasping at straws here as I have a problem with 'God'. I depend on my dogs for unconditional love, such a rare thing, and cannot but give them my best. Which I can't do if I'm drinking. So I will depend on the Creator of my beloved dogs to keep me sane and healthy to care for my dogs.

Artur · 05-04-2008, 05:13 PM

You are doing great!!! I feel the same way about my Cat ( I used to have dogs too before I came to the Big City), if I was all passed out for days, who would take care of them...Isn't it cool how they rely on us for so much and how much love they are capable of giving back....it's always facinated me.

Chance · 05-04-2008, 07:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by least

Yesterday I drank, after over a month of being sober. Don't know WHY I drank, only that now I have to go thru withdrawal all over again. It's my own fault and I can't forgive myself. I'll start over, with today as day one, but why oh why did I drink??

Maybe because your alcoholic? That is what we did all of our lives!

I will tell you the same thing that my sponsor told me when I couldn't find a way to forgive myself.

He said, "Vic, open up your Basic Text to the first page!"

I did

He said, "What do you see on that page?"

I said "Nothing"

He said, "That is right! Nothing. that is what you know about recovery and that is also what God holds against you for all of your mistakes! So who the hell are you not to be able to forgive yourself?"

Vic didn't say nothing.......

Just be patient with yourself OK...

Blessings to ya

least · 05-05-2008, 04:32 AM

Having to go thru withdrawal again is my punishment for drinking.

***indigo*** · 05-05-2008, 05:22 AM

You're not being punished, nor are you all the put downs you've called yourself, you slipped and now you are getting up again. Please don't beat yourself up, you need you and so do your beloved dogs.
hugs

Zanthos · 05-05-2008, 05:32 AM

I remember those intense feelings of self-loathing that remained for days after my last drunk. Alcohol is literally a poison. So for now, Least, yes you poisoned yourself and feel like total you-know-what. That part will pass.

The bigger question is: what do you need to do to stay sober? And the bigger bigger question is: what do you need to do to become happy while sober?

least · 05-05-2008, 06:49 AM

my depression is telling me to do anything to feel better. but what I want most is to feel NOTHING. I can't deal with these feelings. I'm not used to them and I only want to NOT FEEL AT ALL. I'm fighting this with all my strength but can tell 'it's' gaining on me. I want so badly to just be numb. I'm sick of having to look at myself, I hate what I see when I look at myself. I see a loser, a zero, a nothing, a drag on humanity. I'm on meds for depression anxiety and bipolar but they don't seem to be helping. I'm at the end of my rope. Please god help me, i can't do this anymore.

feel like i'm on the verge of a mental meltdown. don't know what to do or where to go. feel like I would be better off dead, but can't abandon my dogs. please god please deliver me from this madness.

Impurrfect · 05-05-2008, 07:05 AM

(((least)))

You're describing exactly the way I felt after I relapsed, and it's a bad, bad feeling. I"ve used those feelings to remind me of why I don't want to drink.

Is there somone you can call and/or talk to in person? You really don't have to do this by yourself, and you DO deserve a life free of alcoholism.

If nothing else, think of your dogs. I know how much they mean to you, and they depend on you. This past Christmas, I went through a lot of stuff, was going to go get a motel room, but had money in my pocket and knew any motel would have crack dealers. I walked into my room, and Elvis (my cat) was sitting on the bed, looking at me like "PLEASE don't leave me". Some will think I'm crazy, but that cat kept me clean that night because I wouldn't leave him.

You're not going to feel like this forever, I promise. Please, please call someone...AA, a friend, whoever can get you through this.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

least · 05-05-2008, 07:18 AM

I will call a friend but feel so much that I'm on my own. My mom doesnt undrstand. My sister will only yell at me. I'm lost, so lost, I am ashamed of myself. I'm crying now and wondering why I was given life if only to abuse it. i'm sorry so sorry. how do i find the way back to sanity? I'm so lost. I'm so afraid. fear is killing me. i'm so afraid

Dean62 · 05-05-2008, 07:28 AM

least when I was where you are right now I was finally ready to surrender. I turned my life and will over to God as I understood him.

Tazman53 · 05-05-2008, 07:41 AM

Least I pray that this time you have seen there is no reward to drinking, the reward is in sobriety.

You are not alone, I have been right where you are at now, what saved this alcoholics bacon was allowing others to help me, people who had been at one time right where I was at and found a way out!!!

My drinking took me to the point where I was at a cross roads, I had to either just continue to drink and die a slow miserable death with those that loved me suffering just as much as me as I dove into the bowels of hell, or I had to become willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober.

I chose to be willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober, I did not have the answers, but I followed the path that thousands of others have followed before me. You see I discovered that not only was I not alone with my alcoholism, there were thousands of other sober alcoholics who had found the path to sobriety and were more then happy to take my hand if I put it out and show me the way.

Are you ready yet? Are you ready to stop fighting that beast alcohol all by your self your way? Are you ready and willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober?

Put out your hand and ask for help from other alcoholics who have found sobriety!

parentrecovers · 05-05-2008, 07:48 AM

not alone, least, not alone. keep reaching out, and take good care of yourself. hugs, k

warrens · 05-05-2008, 08:48 AM

Least

My heart goes out to you.

But, the present and future are so important and demand so much focus, that you need to dedicate all your energies to them. The past has passed and you cannot rewrite it.

Without change however, the past will be your present and future. That much you know and it is what you can control.

warren

05-04-2008, 01:59 PM	#26 (permalink)
tennis71 Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Seattle, WA Posts: 319	A month is good for an alcoholic like me. Instead of beating yourself up think about how often in your life prior to this you have strung together a month of sobriety. For me, I relapsed after the first 2 months of my journey. I was heartbroken and beat down at first, but then I thought for a moment. Since my 1st drink in college, I had never strung together more than a 2 or so weeks and in he last 5 years, I never stung together more than a few days without a drink. So back to your month - that is in short a miracle if you are an alcoholic like me. I am back up to 1 and 1/2 months and rolling on. I have 2 relapses under my belt in the past seven months. I accepted each relapse for what it was, asked for help, looked for triggers and worked towards moving forward instead of dwelling on my mistakes. I am a stern believer in "progress rather than perfection" and from your posts in the past and currently, I would say that your progress is tremendous. Keep on moving forward!! ps one thought - go back and read your posts from the start. See if there are any noticeable changes in what you posted, how you posted or attitudes of your posts. Use SR as a journal and see if you can look for signs to be aware of if you are nearing relapse.
	__________________ Sobriety - WOW What a Ride!

05-05-2008, 05:22 AM	#33 (permalink)
*indigo* Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 8,513	You're not being punished, nor are you all the put downs you've called yourself, you slipped and now you are getting up again. Please don't beat yourself up, you need you and so do your beloved dogs. hugs
	__________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

05-05-2008, 05:32 AM	#34 (permalink)
Zanthos Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 204	I remember those intense feelings of self-loathing that remained for days after my last drunk. Alcohol is literally a poison. So for now, Least, yes you poisoned yourself and feel like total you-know-what. That part will pass. The bigger question is: what do you need to do to stay sober? And the bigger bigger question is: what do you need to do to become happy while sober?
Zanthos Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 204

05-05-2008, 07:05 AM	#36 (permalink)
Impurrfect Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 3,561	(((least))) You're describing exactly the way I felt after I relapsed, and it's a bad, bad feeling. I"ve used those feelings to remind me of why I don't want to drink. Is there somone you can call and/or talk to in person? You really don't have to do this by yourself, and you DO deserve a life free of alcoholism. If nothing else, think of your dogs. I know how much they mean to you, and they depend on you. This past Christmas, I went through a lot of stuff, was going to go get a motel room, but had money in my pocket and knew any motel would have crack dealers. I walked into my room, and Elvis (my cat) was sitting on the bed, looking at me like "PLEASE don't leave me". Some will think I'm crazy, but that cat kept me clean that night because I wouldn't leave him. You're not going to feel like this forever, I promise. Please, please call someone...AA, a friend, whoever can get you through this. Hugs and prayers! Amy
	__________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

05-05-2008, 07:28 AM	#38 (permalink)
Dean62 In full flight from reality Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Salt Lake City, Utah Posts: 332	least when I was where you are right now I was finally ready to surrender. I turned my life and will over to God as I understood him.
	__________________ "Love and compassion are like the weak spots in the walls of ego." Pema Chödrön

05-04-2008, 04:36 PM	#27 (permalink)
least Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: USA Posts: 1,654	I've not had a month sober since I started to drink a little over a year ago. Right now my whole being is screaming for a drink, just a little bit, to quell the withdrawal shakes. But I'm not giving in. I'm shaking like a leaf but I'm not giving in to the desire. I have to get thru this. I did it before and I can do it again. Right now my dogs are my higher power. They depend on me to care for them and I can't do that if I'm drinking. The shiba is diabetic and needs his food and insulin on a regular schedule, which I can't do when/if I'm drinking. So for now the dogs are winning. I'm so sick of the struggle. I will surrender to my higher power. I CANNOT drink anything. I must stay strong for the sake of my beloved dogs. Thank you for listening to me. I have no one else to depend on.

05-04-2008, 05:06 PM	#29 (permalink)
least Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: USA Posts: 1,654	I think of my dogs as a gift from God. He gave them to me to love and care for. So my being 'whole' and well is to care for them properly. I've had too many nites where I woke up late having not fed them on time. I can't do that to the dogs, especially the diabetic one. His health depends on regular food and insulin injections. I have to have someone, some 'thing' to hang on to to keep me sane and sober. The dogs are that 'thing'. Besides, I think God gave them into my care. So i cannot, will not screw up, as their lives depend on me. Am I making any sense? I'm grasping at straws here as I have a problem with 'God'. I depend on my dogs for unconditional love, such a rare thing, and cannot but give them my best. Which I can't do if I'm drinking. So I will depend on the Creator of my beloved dogs to keep me sane and healthy to care for my dogs.

05-04-2008, 05:13 PM	#30 (permalink)
Artur Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Brooklyn, New York Posts: 90	You are doing great!!! I feel the same way about my Cat ( I used to have dogs too before I came to the Big City), if I was all passed out for days, who would take care of them...Isn't it cool how they rely on us for so much and how much love they are capable of giving back....it's always facinated me.

05-05-2008, 04:32 AM	#32 (permalink)
least Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: USA Posts: 1,654	Having to go thru withdrawal again is my punishment for drinking.

05-05-2008, 06:49 AM	#35 (permalink)
least Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: USA Posts: 1,654	my depression is telling me to do anything to feel better. but what I want most is to feel NOTHING. I can't deal with these feelings. I'm not used to them and I only want to NOT FEEL AT ALL. I'm fighting this with all my strength but can tell 'it's' gaining on me. I want so badly to just be numb. I'm sick of having to look at myself, I hate what I see when I look at myself. I see a loser, a zero, a nothing, a drag on humanity. I'm on meds for depression anxiety and bipolar but they don't seem to be helping. I'm at the end of my rope. Please god help me, i can't do this anymore. feel like i'm on the verge of a mental meltdown. don't know what to do or where to go. feel like I would be better off dead, but can't abandon my dogs. please god please deliver me from this madness.

05-05-2008, 07:18 AM	#37 (permalink)
least Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: USA Posts: 1,654	I will call a friend but feel so much that I'm on my own. My mom doesnt undrstand. My sister will only yell at me. I'm lost, so lost, I am ashamed of myself. I'm crying now and wondering why I was given life if only to abuse it. i'm sorry so sorry. how do i find the way back to sanity? I'm so lost. I'm so afraid. fear is killing me. i'm so afraid

05-05-2008, 07:41 AM	#39 (permalink)
Tazman53 Follow Directions! Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Fredericksburg, Va. Posts: 6,103	Least I pray that this time you have seen there is no reward to drinking, the reward is in sobriety. You are not alone, I have been right where you are at now, what saved this alcoholics bacon was allowing others to help me, people who had been at one time right where I was at and found a way out!!! My drinking took me to the point where I was at a cross roads, I had to either just continue to drink and die a slow miserable death with those that loved me suffering just as much as me as I dove into the bowels of hell, or I had to become willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober. I chose to be willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober, I did not have the answers, but I followed the path that thousands of others have followed before me. You see I discovered that not only was I not alone with my alcoholism, there were thousands of other sober alcoholics who had found the path to sobriety and were more then happy to take my hand if I put it out and show me the way. Are you ready yet? Are you ready to stop fighting that beast alcohol all by your self your way? Are you ready and willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober? Put out your hand and ask for help from other alcoholics who have found sobriety!
	__________________ All BB quotes are from the First Edition of the BB Follow directions! Sobriety date 18 Sept. 2006 Sober today thanks to AA

05-05-2008, 07:48 AM	#40 (permalink)
parentrecovers Talula Does The Hula Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: in Hawaii Posts: 10,383	not alone, least, not alone. keep reaching out, and take good care of yourself. hugs, k
	__________________

05-05-2008, 08:48 AM	#41 (permalink)
warrens Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: 49 degrees north Posts: 725	Least My heart goes out to you. But, the present and future are so important and demand so much focus, that you need to dedicate all your energies to them. The past has passed and you cannot rewrite it. Without change however, the past will be your present and future. That much you know and it is what you can control. warren