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[Ravensoul]

New here, and am at the point of needing to quit (well, been THERE for a LONG time, but at the point, I hope, of being READY to quit!)

Been lurking on forums the last week or so, reading up and seeking support and info for myself.

It is hard for me to tell MY story, even in a forum such as this (it is true what they say about the shame) but here goes: (and fair warning, this will be LOOOONG!)

My maternal grandfather, whom I never knew as he and my grandmother divorced and then he later died, all before I was even born, was an abusive alcoholic.
(I am focusing on my maternal family, since I know very little about my Paternal side..only that my father, who split with my mom when I was 3, is still alive and is of Scottish and English blood)

I've lost 2 of 3 maternal uncles to this disease (one died of massive hemmorage in his sleep/after a week-long coma...I was 11, he was in his mid thirties, and I witnessed the final throes of his addiction and death...I should know better, right? LOL, sadly, I've learned, has very little to do with "knowing"...I KNOW I am killing myself...just makes me want another drink....the other uncle died of throat cancer, STRONGLY linked to alcohol abuse, after about a decade of heavy drinking following a divorce...the 3rd uncle lost his wife to an alcohol induced heart attack and while I've not been in touch with him in many years, I know he struggled with it as well..he could be dead now for all I know. Unless he got himself clean, judging from the last time I saw him, likely is dead or close to it)

Perhaps oddly, none of the women in the family have, to my knowledge which I feel is pretty relaiable...it takes one to know one...ever struggled with alcoholism. My mom doesn't drink and hasn't for MANY years, and when she did, it was in moderation/socially. My aunt, her sister, likewise. My Grandmother, who lived to be 100 despite smoking like a chimney for at least 50 yrs (another addiction I struggle with, but at this point it concerns me FAR less than the alcohol) drank a few beers now and then while playing cards, but never heavily that I saw, and she helped raise me, so I saw a lot. Only time I ever saw her drunk was after that first uncle's funeral, when she drank much more than her usual few.

Anyway, I know there is evidence of a genetic component to alcoholism, and I seemed to have "won" the crapshoot. That ever-popular Scotch-Irish lottery, I guess...my 2 kids also have Native American blood...I live in fear for them, and one of my major motivations for cleaning up is to try and set a better example for them and be able to NOT be a total hypocrite when I warn them about their risks from drinking...my advice to them is just don't ever start...if you are anything like me, you will not be able to stop once you do.
Stephen King, another great Scots-Irish and a recovering alcoholic, recounted the old "joke" in his book, On Writing...man goes to his Dr. says, "I drink too much" Dr says, "How much do you drink?" The man says, as if it is self-evident, "All of it"

Yep, that is IT in a nutshell. ALL of it (and then you go out for more) Until you pass out or die. King said he used to get up in the night and actually open and pour beers down the sink, since as long as there were any in the house, he could not sleep/stop drinking them.

He also described the intervention his family did, dumping out hefty bags full of his empty booze and coke bottles, and even the MOUTHWASH bottles he'd been drinking, and threatening to leave if he didn't STOP and said his response was, "OK, just give me a little time to think about it." And went on, "That's like a man trapped on the roof of a burning building, waving away the rescue helicopters sayiing, just let me think about it for a while!" )
And he says he didn't realize he WAS an alcoholic for many years, he just liked to drink....I do not doubt his honesty, because he was brutally honest in this book, but I find it amazing that his denial could have been so deep, though I know it CAN be....he wrote The Shining without KNOWING he was an alcoholic???? Maybe. But imo no-one could have written THAT w/o a DEEP, personal understanding of the condition. It was autobiographical, whether he knew it or not.
A great book to read (On Writing, I mean) for those bits alone, but also for writers out there.

I didn't start drinking until...ok, back up; I had the rare beer or whiskey and coke as a teenager. Never felt any attraction to it whatsoever and thought it tasted horrible. In my early 20's, I would stop off a few nights a week and get 2 beers, trying out different imports, from the little liquor store down the street...my boyfriend/common-law husband and I would drink one each and be done for the night. I was one of those who could hardly finish 1 beer in an hour, much less say more.

But when I was 30 or so, I recall the exact moment when I think I "became" an alcoholic...or at least when I activated that propensity. We went to an outdoor summer concert with some friends and I had 3 or 4 white wines over the afternoon. I got pleasantly drunk. Was fun, I liked it. A very positive association was set up on that day, one I would come to regret.
Gradually, I started drinking more, buying a bottle of wine or a 6 pack on the weekends, then eventually I was bingeing every weekend, then every night. I got up to a 6 pack or a liter of wine a night pretty quickly. My tolerance rapidly increased.

During this time, my relationship with my partner was less than ideal (we'd always had a wonderful relationship, and I've come to realize that I was using alcohol to self-medicate due to my grief over the loss of this...not blaming him, but it WAS a factor. It was why, aside from the nice buzz, I felt a need to drink to excess. For the record, he never drank to excess during our 23 yrs together)

I was always a "functional" alcoholic for the most part (the periodic debilitating hangovers and isolating behavior aside...while I enjoy drinking socially, I drink alone much more often) I worked full time (as a teacher with young children, and was very good at it, if I do say so myself) and otherwise took great care of myself (ate a vegetarian/vegan diet and cycled 50 plus miles per week for 5 yrs) and was a mostly great mom to my then 3-4 yr old son. No-one outside of my immediate family knew.

But I was miserable in the relationship and drinking was my escape. Of course, my drinking only made things worse, my partner/husband getting upset over my isolating and increasingly obvious excess. It was a very rough time for us, for him it was a 6 mth period of unemployment and depression and he treated me like crap and I had a long pity party with lots of booze to sooth my hurt feelings. Eventually it got back to being better between us, but I kept drinking anyway (I guess in "celebration"? LOL, I know, not really funny, but a common rationalization, in my experience)

Jump to now:
My partner died a little over a month ago at age 45 (from heart and lung disease associated with a genetic condition and also from occupational exposures). My drinking had continued to be an issue between us, but he mostly tried to ignore it...I sort of wish he had done more to force the issue. The last few years were very bad, what with his becommng disabled and his attitude (read: total a-hole 'cause he was so uncomfortable and frustrated) and we were essentually broken up but trapped living together for financial and later health reasons. I am so sorry it ended as it did, because we had so many great years together, deeply in love, but there it is.

It has been VERY hard for me since, and yes, been drinking as much as ever and more. (like I NEED an excuse) But it has also been a kick in the butt for me....I live in constant fear of dying on my kids and 1. leaving them alone/orphans and 2. scarring them for life (even more than they have been by both my drinking, which of COURSE they are aware of, even if I am mostly functional and not abusive, and losing their father)

I have GOT to stop. I think I am reaching the point where I CAN/WILL. (though I have hit "bottom" so many times and it seems I just land and start digging)

I CANNOT die on these kids (or on MYSELF!) And I WILL before too long if I do not STOP. I KNOW this. I will simply "wake up dead" as my Granny would have said, or develop some other fatal condition (if I have not already)
I am scared out of my mind; I have got to get my act together NOW. I'm 42 and been drinking heavily, as in a BIG (1.5 litre) bottle of wine per night and twice that on binge days, which happen once a week on average, for about 10-11 yrs now. (I also KNOW it doesn't take "hard" liquor to do the job..both uncles did it with beer)

Took about a yr off when I was pregnant with my daughter 9 yrs ago .Scared the CRAP out of me to discover I was pregnant and had been drinking a LOT during those first 4 weeks...I quit cold turkey and she was born perfect, but I went back to it very soon afterwards...but I thank God every moment that I was able to STOP...I could never have lived with myself otherwise. Seems she gave me the strength to do for HER what I had been unable to do for MYSELF! I try to think of it like that now....yes, for me, but that doesn't seem to be enough...maybe if I think of it as for THEM, my kids, I can manage to do it.

I am not a conventionally religious person, but very spirtual (though I've found that active alcoholism tends to kill that sensibility pretty fast....so often I feel as if I pray and God is simply not listening, but I know it is ME who is so blocked I am just not feeling God, and I feel so PATHETIC asking, yet again, for a "second" chance...how many "second" chances is this now?
I think, yeah, right, H/She gave up on your sorry ass a long time ago, but my feeling is that if I screw this up, I am going to HELL. A self-imposed hell where I will eternally regret the damage I have done to myself and those I love and hate myself forever. Please, God, no.

Anyway, I just feel the need for some serious support right now (and AA may be an option for me, not sure if that is up my alley or not, but have bookmarked the Rational recovery site and a few others and forums like this REALLY help, just being able to share and read the experiences of others.)
I am also terrified of detoxing, after reading info on the risks, and as a single working mom with no insurance, I would much prefer to do this on my own. I am going to cut back, way back, which I CAN do for short periods, though I do NOT kid myself that I can manage moderation long-term, but I hope that by cutting down I will be able to handle detox gradually/safely....many times have gone a few to several days w/o drinking with no serious issues...last time was in August when we moved cross country...5 days of driving 12 hrs a day with zero alcohol and no major symptoms other than cravings and looking/feeling like crap every morning but still functioning, and my consumption was about the same as now) to a glass of wine a night and do that for a while then stop altogether.

I am prone to panic attacks, which I've read can be a symptom of detox (they started with me well before my drinking did, though) and I struggle with them even more than ever now. But I really think that is stress, from dealing with the whole illness and death and a major reason I think that is that I get them the worst when I AM drinking/the day after a binge, NOT when I take a few days off...I feel GREAT on those clean days.....it is guilt/fear/stress OVER the drinking, mostly. It is because I KNOW what I am doing is WRONG and that I am killing myself. When I stop, they stop. (Hello, maybe God IS still in communication with me, DUH!!!!)

Thanks so much for "listening" to me (if you've read this far). I plan on coming back. I am a very obssessive/compulsive personality, and I hope I can channel that trait into recovery as well as I have into addiction.

[Negative Man]

Hi Ravensoul,

Thanks very much for your share. I see much of my story in your story. As far as "getting your act together" goes... do remember that it's not all on you. A big part of recovery is reaching out for help from others. Sober Recovery is a great way to do that. Getting involved in AA, I've found, is a great way too. As we give to the world, so the world will give to us.

In any case, let me know if I can be of help to you. Your share was very helpful to me.

-- NM

[suki44883]

Wow, Ravensoul...you said a mouthful! First of all, congratulations on realizing that you MUST quit drinking. Many people never do. That being said, it is not enough to want to stop, you must take proactive steps toward that end. I cannot stress enough the benefits of going to a detox center. They have the medications and medical personnel to get you through detox with minimal complications. In addition to that, you will be with people who are going through the same thing, so you will bond with many of them because they understand and are not judgemental. However, you must do this for YOURSELF...not for your children, not for your job, not for any reason other than YOURSELF. Otherwise, it will not work. After detox (I was in detox for 6 days), you can go into a PHP or IOP program (I just finished 2 weeks in PHP, and today, stepped down to IOP, which I will do for 2 weeks) where you will learn what your triggers are and you will also learn coping skills to use when you have cravings. Detox alone will not cure you. You must learn the coping skills and have continued support from others going through the same thing.

You can do it. I wish you much luck, and prayers are going out to you.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by Ravensoul

But when I was 30 or so, I recall the exact moment when I think I "became" an alcoholic...or at least when I activated that propensity.

Welcome to SR Ravensoul, it's always great to have someone new to sobriety come along and join our family in recovery. You've got a very interesting history, I could relate to so much.

The topic of discussion at an AA meeting I went to was "when did you become an alcoholic", and like you I shared that it was sometime in my 30's when I "turned the corner" and my drinking really took off. But what I learned was that from the moment I took my first drink at age 14 I was an alcoholic. I became a daily drinker shortly after that, and every time I took that first sip I was on a fast-track to oblivion.

It's not too late for you to be the parent your children deserve to have. I'm 44, single father to 10 & 12 year olds. I've been sober a little over 3 years, and my kids attend AA meetings with me pretty often. Recovery has given me the life I'd always wanted, and being in the program has shown me that I could give my children a great life too.

Stick around, there's much to be learned here and I look forward to hearing you share more.

[suki44883]

Same with me, Astro. My mom says that my dad used to give me beer on a teaspoon when I was a toddler because he liked to watch me stumble around. *shudder*

I grew up liking the taste of beer, so when I was old enough to drink, it was beer that I drank. As time wore on, it turned into a "If I was at home, I had a beer in my hands." This went on for many, many years. I hit bottom when I got a DWI in March of 2006. But even then, I didn't stop drinking because I was depressed and felt like the scum of the earth. My probation ended last July and since then, I drank from the minute I got home from work until I went to bed. On weekends, when I got up, I would drink one Coke or a glass of tea, then it was on to the beer. I drank steadily all day and never wanted to leave the house to do anything because it meant I'd have to put down my beer. The end came when, one night, I was sitting at my computer, drinking (of course) and chatting on the internet and visiting various boards I am a member of, and figured it was getting late and should probably get on to bed because I had work the next day. When I looked at my watch, instead of it being close to 11:00 PM like I thought, it was almost 3:00 am! Right then, I said...this is a bunch of ****! I'm sick of this. I'm getting help NOW! So, I immediately googled alcohol treatment centers in my area, called two of them and settled on one to check myself into. A friend got out of bed and drove across town at 5:00am to get me and took me to the rehab center. That was on April 11th. There's been no looking back since.

[51anna]

Hi Ravensoul and welcome,

You will find lots of information and support here.

I think it's great that you want to stop drinking and move forward with your life. I'm not sure that cutting back will help with withdrawl symptoms. In my opinion, it will just prolong the symptoms. But, you are right to be concerned about detoxing and you should talk to your dr before you begin.

By the way, I also had terrible panic/anxiety attacks when I was drinking. But, I also have issues with panic attacks in recovery, though less often.

[1963comet]

Want to say Hi and Welcome

So, glad you decided to join in here.

[Hevyn]

Ravensoul, it takes great courage to bare your soul like that. Thank you for telling us your story. We all assume we're unique and our stories are unlike anyone elses, but I see so much of myself in your story - I've had most of those same thoughts. I was also in my 30's when the fun drinking became a necessity. Be thankful you've come to this realization now. There's still time to fix everything and make it right. You have the best reason on earth for doing so - your children. Please keep coming back.

[serenityqueen]

WELCOME TO SR & WELCOME TO HOPE

Thanks so much for sharing your story. Opening up like you did and sharing your story honestly are pretty hard to do so I really commend you for what you have done.

Hang around here, keep reading and sharing. There's a great deal of experience, strength and hope available here.

God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy

[Ravensoul]

Yes, I have seen a photo of myself drinking the dregs of a beer can at age 3 or so....scary, I agree.

And yes, I know I have to do this for myself, not for my kids, but still, they are a SERIOUS motivation for me...otherwise, I feel as if WTF, just go on until you die, what's the point? Even if I were not drinking, I would feel that way much of the time...the loss of a 2 decade relationship and your best friend tends to do that to a person, all other issues aside. If it takes me living in fear of failing our kids to get my ass in gear, I intend to use that as much as possible, savvy? (as Capt. Jack would say..."Why is the rum always gone?"

I wonder about the withdrawal symptoms....wonder whether my usage is enough to result in the severe symptoms AND wonder if cutting back (assuming I can accomplish it, which I feel sure I can, at least for weeks or mths, based on experience) can minimize or eliminate the more severe symptoms. I've done it before (cold turkey for 10 mths or so and again for a week or so, and often for 2-4 days with no serious issues) And it just seems logical that if I can reduce use to 1 or 2 glasses of wine a day and do so for weeks or mths, any withdrawal after that will be a breeze. I will essentially be a light drinker by then, not a heavy drinker, and the risks would be far lower. I would PREFER to stop cold turkey, but now I fear the risks of that, given my current consumption. (I never before realized the risks of the cold turkey approach, not until recenly...first time was when I read an article about Hunter Thompson being in the hospital for something and how they had to monitor him so closely due to his severe alcoholism, to prevent sever withdrawal symptoms during his 3 day stay. Now, I'm like WHOA, I always assumed I could just QUIT, no worries.)

I've read so often about how the symptoms set in 6 hrs or so after your last drink, but I've always been able to drink to passing out at night and get up and go all day, 8-12 hrs, w/o a drink and FINE, then drink again. Or even NOT drink that night, but maybe the next day or the next. I always feel BETTER when I go a day or more w/o drinking, not worse.

I guess at this point this is what concerns me most.....how best to detox and get out of this. And I admit, the idea of Drs and meds does NOT appeal to me. If I can avoid that, I will. (though I know that is the standard advice...better safe than sorry. But just got through with a hospital experience (death of my DH) and I hate those places in general...would really prefer to manage this on my own with rest, hydration, vitamins, good food, exercise, etc... all of which I am VERY religious about anyway)

Thanks for all the support, even if you don't tell me what I want to hear. I will be visiting regularly. Love.

[Artur]

Greetings Ravensoul:
Wow! Thank you for such a great share!!! You really helped me in a way I hope you will come to understand as you build up time in recovery! You've come to the right place...

[nogard]

Welcome to SR Ravensoul

[CarolD]

Welcome!

[BUTTERFLY-7]

Trust me you are making the Best
Decision of your Life,