Giving up the booze, for good!

[JJPA]

Okay, I've been drinking reasonaly heavy for the last few years and I have now come to realise that doing so is having a massively negative impact upon my ability to acheive my ambitions. I've tried to reduce my drinking several times in the past and whilst I've been able to do that for several months, I've slipped and end up drinking more heavily than ever before.

I don't know how things roll on these forums, but I thought it might be as well to explain the full story as far as I understand it.

I'm about to turn 23 shortly, but have been drinking since I was 14 - heavily since I was 15. Around that age, I had a series of disappointing events with girls. These were typical, meaningless teenage issues, but mixed with pubic hormones they bothered me massively at the time. I remember one such event, I was turned down by a young lass, felt absolutely gutted, and having just returned from a family holiday the fridge was full with undrunk beer.

I was distrought that day, but had the ingenious idea that a few of those beers in the fridge might help me feel better. So I took some up to my room, maybe four or five bottles and supped them through the night. It was brilliant! Whatever 'pain' I felt was gone - I was emotionless, totally calm.

Of course, in the morning I experienced the first hangover of my life which was less successful, but I had learned that the booze could make you feel much better in emotionally tender situations.

This led to much more drinking. Whenever I'd had a bad day, I'd drink whatever was available. My parents weren't big drinkers but always had a well stocked drinks cabinet for special occasions. I would sneak down the stairs, several times a night and take a few swigs of whiskey, vodka, gin, whatever was there. I don't know if they noticed it going missing, but nothing was ever said.

This went on. It also coincided with the marriage between my mother and father becoming more and more difficult. My mother and father had always fought, but in my mid-teens this had got worse. By the time I was 16/17, 'fights' would be daily. My dad never hit my mum, that I know of, but he was an agressive man and was more than capable of intimidating her and making her cry. Of course I could never accept this, and constantly had to intervene. Having to fight my own father was one of the saddest moments of my life, but was absolutlely nescessary at the time.

Anyway, they would go to bed at about midnight which was the only time I had any peace. I would drink 4 or 5 cans of lager before retiring to bed in the early hours of the morning. At that time, it was the only way I could feel remotely relaxed.

Things came to a head when I turned 18. I had a major fight with my dad which led to him trying to stab me, so I left home - making sure my mother was safe, of course. I moved further up North to live with a friend for a while.

Strangely, the first night I spent there I met a girl who's been with me ever since. We've been together 5 years now, although my drinking hasn't stopped. My friend lost his job, moved back home and having met such a fantastic woman I felt I had to stay. Rather than burden her with my existance in her flat, and admiy that I was effectively homeless, I decided to live in my car.

For 3 months of the bitterly British winter I slept in my rusty old car from the 80's, with just a woolen blanket for comfort. I managed to claim dole money, which paid for essentials - typically cold tinned beans and cheap beer. Honestly, I don't think I could have got through those days without a drink.

Things got better - I got myself a decent job, we rented a house and lived a reasonable life. I hated my job though. The money was okay, but the tasks and the people I worked for occasionally made me physically sick. I hated it with a passion. I stuck at it for my girlfriend, but it just fuelled my fire to drink.

Eventually, after 3 long years of being in that job, a much better opportunity, in a lovely city arose. We moved, and the quality of life is much better. My salary is large, we have an expensive house, an expensive car and can afford expensive holidays. Materialistically, my life has been completely turned round.

But I still drink. I'm drunk now - very drunk. It doesn't matter what happens, I can find a reason to drink.

- If I have a bad day, I drink to take the pain away
- If I have a good day, I drink to celebrate
- If I have an indifferent day, I drink to eleviate the bordeom

Even in my financially viable life I am unhappy, verging on suicide because of my drinking. Despite my apparent progression in life, I am still unhappy and still drinking.

What can I do to give it up for good?

[ananda]

Hello - glad your here.

I drank because I liked the effect....yes, at 16 it made me feel like I fit in, like guys liked me....etc.


I got sober at 28 for a period of time through a recovery program, but even though my life got better I ended up drinking again when several problems came up. Today I am 9 mos sober.

For myself, I think alchohol did something magical for me and that no matter how good things were, once I experience that magic, I would have kicked off my alcoholism.

You might leave yourself a note to come back and check us out when you are not so drunk....If you really are very drunk right now, you may not remember things correctly in the morning.

Thanks again for sharing.

[51anna]

Hi JJPA,

Welcome!

Coming here and admitting you have a problem with alcohol is a good first step toward sobriety. Have you talked to your dr about stopping drinking? It can be dangerous to detox from alcohol.

I think, to stay sober, you need to make lifestyle changes, sometimes big changes. I couldn't be around people who drinking alcohol for a long time. I had to get rid of a few people in my life who were quite toxic. I changed routines in my life and began doing other things at times when I would be drinking.

We're here to offer support.

[wellgrrl]

I can understand where you're coming from. I, too, had my heavier periods of drinking. I drank because of stress at work, problems at home, yada yada yada...but I also drank because I liked it, because it was the socially acceptable drug of choice here at the clubs (and legal) and to celebrate fun times. I had some good times drinking, but I've had some of the worst times of my life drinking, too. Funny how the good times come to mind so quickly and the bad times vanish and you're picking up another beer or swilling another martini.

I'd definitely get help, either through a rehab/detox situation, your healthcare provider, a therapist or support group. There's have AA (and other support groups/programs) and there's this site. I've only been around a short time, but people have been really great!

Get sober and stay sober. You need to keep your loved ones in your life. It sounds like you've got something good going for yourself. Hang on to it!

[least]

I have heard it said in these forums that in order to stop drinking you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. That's it in a nutshell. I admitted I had a serious problem with alcohol and decided to stop, but I had many failed attempts before making it this far. (29 days)

Talking to your doctor about a medical detox is a good idea cause alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous. I made a list of things I hated about drinking and read it every time I was tempted to drink. That piece of paper is about worn out now from being folded and unfolded so many times.

Going to AA meetings is also a good idea, tho AA is not for everyone. There are those who swear by it (and those who swear at it). There are other recovery programs too, there are 'stickies' at the top of the forums which have links and info on the different programs. And come here often, lots of support and hope here.

Oh yeah, just don't drink one day at a time.

[Barto]

Cheese. I could never give it up for good. I think I can make it the rest of today though.

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR!

[indigo]

And welcome to SR from me too.

[Katecan]

Welcome JJPA. I hope you come back.