10 Years of Failure...Please help.

[SkyeHigh]

Hello all!

I'm writing with what I hope can be deciphered as an upbeat tone. I was released from the ER this morning at about 8:00 after OD'in on Adderall and partially shutting down my kidneys. I woke up after the Adavan wore off, and promptly began to start pounding beers and washing down pils. I have 10 years, at the tender age of 21, trying to riddle my way thru this terrible disease of addiction. I am tired, I am sick, and despite my deep fear of the death I am headed to, nothing seems capable of dissuading my from my path of self-destruction. From growing up on the streets and sleeping under bridges, I have gained a life with a beautiful woman I love, a car, and even a place to call home. I stand completely of the verge here, my wife as well. I am desperate for some sense of sanity to return to my life, and without it I will lose the woman that means the most to me. I am being absurdly dramatic, and terribly sarcastic---but I think that's just my personality. I'm reaching out now, with several needs. A friend that understands---I haven't even talked to someone my own age in years, much less someone that has BEEN THERE. Guidance, I have a sponsor, but between him, the therapist, my family, I have too many goddamn people giving their two-cents, and none of it is fitting in. Lastly, I am reaching out of desperation---I'm terrified that this is the begining of the end for me, and despite my best efforts, I have found myself incapable of solving my problems. Maybe someone out there knows the feeling---I'm not a hard ass street kid, I'm a confused "out to do right" young kid from a good family. My life is dissapearing again, and there has to be a way out. Many thanks,

-Skye

[parentrecovers]

there is a way out, skye, a solution. recovery is possible, and your choice.

welcome, and keep posting - k

(it's kind of quiet here on weekends, but others will be along soon to say hello.)

[51anna]

Hi Skye,

Welcome and I'm glad you found us!

It's great that you are seeking help and that you realize you need to change your life. There is hope and you can change your life. It's hard, but you can do it. Begin today to make a change. Talk to your dr, because detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous. We're here to offer support.

[ananda]

Hi Skye!

glad your here. Keep reading posts and give people time to respond, as parent said - a little slow on weekends.

I came from middle class, fell to poverty, worked my way out and the one constant was my drug and alchohol illness.

This site has been a lifesafer to me. there are many paths out of addiction. Take what helps and leave the rest. It sounds like you have plenty of caring helping people around you. In the end I have to choose a course and begin the journey.

I'm pretty sarcastic sometimes and have a very dark humor.

Welcome

[CarolD]

Hello and Welcome to SR!

Prayer helps me immensley when I am confused.
AA helps me immensley when I work the Steps daily.

Glad you are alive and seeking answers.

[SkyeHigh]

Glad to hear I'm not the only one that looks humorously to the negative side of this great party. Thank you for the responses, and I will hopefully keep getting my voice out there. My best wishes, and I will speak with ya'll soon.

-Skye

P.S. I think the wording that the psychs would have preferred is "I will keep getting my voice out there"---supposedly affirmative statements as such inspire more of a positive mental reciprication by creating a definitive link between a statement and an action. Err.....or something like that....

[ananda]

Oh Skye....thos phsyc.!

I read about that somewhere, but it ws something that wasn't to be shared with the pateint, rather a "tell" that would let the dr. know you were progressing!

[SkyeHigh]

It must be infered then Ms. (or Mrs.) Ananda that you may be involved with that oh so perfectly beautiful of career fields known as Psychology---er....or Social Work. Haphazard stab in the dark....who knows what results it will garnish. On a slight side note, I think I'm finally starting to detox a little---I think one of my friends once said (or I imagined it, completely possible) that "human beings are not raquet balls---we only bounce so many times." Great, I feel like ****----and if my heart continues to try and tear a hole through my abdomen, well, I'll just sit here and take it like I should.

[ananda]

Nope Skye - an un-diplomaed self learner, as you can tell by my spelling


I would suggest a dr. visit is in order to be sure about withdrawl symptom control. You may have already done so....I don't always get to read the whole post.

Not to be nosey, but it sounds like you attend AA....have you given yourself a schedule to attend? might help to keep you on track.

[SkyeHigh]

You are right about the doc, but in some respects I feel it is a neccessary (sp?) and well deserved punishment I've brought upon myself. Primarily I'm concerned about whether my body is repairing itself from last nights insanity. I can't seem to keep much water down, and my kidneys were on the edge of failing. Thanks for your delightfull witticism, I think I'll be hanging around the boards here as I try and clean the body.

-Skye

[SkyeHigh]

I did miss a point you had though: Yes I have been affiliated with AA for many years, but unfortunetly I find myself in the position of too embarassed to walk back in. Aside from the longwinded stories it would take to explore the full reasoning---in my area all the meetings have been graced with the glorious lunacy of my drunk and preaching in some god forsaken tone of grandiosity. Subsequently of course I would show up the next day shaking like the last leaf on the tree. 10 years of walking in and out, and I think that door is closed---but before anyone else jumps on it: yes I could still go to a meeting, but I choose not to anymore. Be that my disease or I talking, I don't know. Input is always welcome though! I must be overthinking this, which mention it as such, is perhaps overthinking the thinking in and of itself.

Blech!

-Skye

[serenityqueen]

Ok SkyeHigh, there's my touch of sarcasm

Yes I have been affiliated with AA for many years, but unfortunetly I find myself in the position of too embarassed to walk back in. Aside from the longwinded stories it would take to explore the full reasoning---in my area all the meetings have been graced with the glorious lunacy of my drunk and preaching in some god forsaken tone of grandiosity. Subsequently of course I would show up the next day shaking like the last leaf on the tree. 10 years of walking in and out, and I think that door is closed---but before anyone else jumps on it: yes I could still go to a meeting, but I choose not to anymore. Be that my disease or I talking, I don't know. Input is always welcome though! I must be overthinking this, which mention it as such, is perhaps overthinking the thinking in and of itself.

But seriously, I had been in and out of AA/NA for 25 years before I "finally got it." It's never too late. The only door that closes in the Program is the lid to one's casket.THAT'S the only time it's too late.

Yes, it's your disease telling you not to go to a meeting. With every meeting we go to and every time something that is said sinks into our minds, it takes just a wee bit more power away from our disease.

As serious as it sounds like your condition was last night, and I'm sure still today, did you leave against medical advice? No, you don't deserve to be suffering at home if your life is at risk. I think we need to feel the pain in order to remember how it feels, but not to the extent of possibly losing your life.

Keep Coming Back It Works IF Your Work It!

Judy

[SkyeHigh]

Thank you Serenity Queen. I hear what your saying about the meetings, it does seem to be the "right thing to do" and I know that. I didn't leave against orders last night, I was given several shots of Adavan (sp?) allowed to relax for a minute, then kicked out the door. Terrible stuff those Benzo's---couldn't think straight all morning, and the supposed reason for them (heart rate) never changed.

Meeting makers make it, eh? Grrrrrr.....that sounds like well thought out reasoning. Blasphemy!

-Skye

[ananda]

Skye - try to get to a meeting tonight! I go to AA. I had time, then got pissed at AA. A few years later drank. Stayed drunk for 8 or so years. Went back to meetings. finally got sober again. found a spot in aa.

One thing I was told...you earned your chair, don't give it up.

I'll be thinking of you and pulling for you. Let us know how your doing as you go along.

sarcasum and dark humor have not kept me from sobriety

[SkyeHigh]

Ananda,

Such wisdom....wonderful. I have a million reasons why I don't want to go to a meeting tonight, all though none of them really make sense. I will try and use your advice, thank you for it.

Best wishes,

-Skye

[least]

From what you've said, it sounds like it's a miracle that you're still alive. I'd go to a meeting, if I were you. Or some sort of recovery program anyway. You're awfully young to die from this. You have a chance at a real life; take it, while it's still available.

[SkyeHigh]

I apologize for the steady stream of posts---just hanging around the area cause it seems s