Off My Meds...maybe my......

[October]

Here in a nutshell is what i said before the #$%# system logged me out. I lost my Mainecare and am off my meds for schizophrenia.

Being off seroquell is an exercise in perfection.

The paranoia is perfect.....how i felt last night when i THOUGHT i may be a father was perfect. Having my heart RIPPED from my chest today was perfect. How much i knew better was perfection in the exercise of futility. How much i hurt from things said in passing to me from someone i KNEW last night was going to be the mother of my son is perfect.....because she isn't going to be after tomorrow morning when she takes the pill that will make sure it doesn't happen. Schizophrenia makes everything perfect......paranoid......real, in the moment ...and way too much.

Do i curl up with this special darkness, or do i chance the fact.....the worry......the question......is it worth the chance to be checked out and have meds re-upped....what if they decide i need.....what if.....oh %$#@$# what if.

[51anna]

Hi October,

I think the decision that is being made by the mother must be very hard for anyone to deal with and I'm sure that schizophrenia doesn't make it any easier. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry for your pain.

Have you tried to talk to your dr to see if there is a way you can get your meds? I hope you can.

I encourage you to talk to your dr and get checked out.

[October]

What if i am crazy.

%$#@# why does stevie nicks seem to be singing Landslide just for me. You know that song tears me up. It can drive someone who is hurt to......

I AM afraid of changing. I DID......I DO.....build my life around her. I was married for 11 years and my wife left......due to my addiction.....due to her shortcomings......due to crohn's disease that stole her fire. Stole our life.

I am hurting so bad tonight.

Why....i just started this dvd.....it's almost done, time is and always has been a serious issue. Time can move backwards....forward....stop....time has no beqaring whatsoever anymore.

I'm falling back into it...and unless somebody REALLY puts on the brakes.....i think i might just run with this.....with the wind, the moon.

What is hapenning to me. Besides perfection in emotion.....making small thoughts like razorblades.

Don't answer that.

[October]

Last night i was positive......for the first time, i TRUSTED my heart to a woman again. She was so clear......we.....I was going to be a FATHER.

That word tastes dirty in my mouth.

Fathers leave...they hurt.


I would never leave....hurt.....i know how long that lasts.

FOREVER.

WHY is it so $%#$%$# casual to say, to $%^%$#$ SAY TO ME......if things don't work out with "so and so" we might have a chance. WHAT WAS LAST NIGHT ABOUT AND WHY DID I TRUST HER.

OH.......why do i still trust her and....

this is NOT the best time to play emotional roulette with me.

I play for keeps and if someone hurts me....

I just may curl up and D.......

I can't be like this.

I think i'll drink the rest of that cuervo and see where the road goes tonight......like i said, everything is perfect.

[51anna]

October,

I am so sorry for your pain.

You know drinking will definitely make everything worse.

You can get through the hurt and move forward. There is hope.

Keep posting and hang on!

[Dee74]

Listen to Anna, October.

I'm sorry for your pain, but hurting yourself is not the way to deal with it. One of things I've learnt is that other ppl letting us down is no reason to hurt ourselves more.

We deserve better - especially from ourselves.

One of the ways to deal with it responsibly is to go and and see your Dr and see if anything can be worked out regarding your meds.

I wish you well
D

[lostone79]

October, its not worth going back to drinking, not for a woman, not for a job, not for anything. I feel your pain, I live/d your pain. Alcohol doesn't solve it, it's still there in the morning or whenever you wake up. I struggle continuosly also, I want to do the thing you want to do, the things that just hurt myself and no one else. Stay strong with me, help to me stay with you. Women have hurt me also, just as I'm sure I have also hurt them. I so know what you mean about playing for keeps, trust and love.

[ImJulie]

~~putting my arms around you for a hug~~
~~looking into your eyes~~
~~telling you with conviction:
"You have value and you have worth. Even if you dont see it right now....you have value and you have worth!~~

Please hang on tight and let us ride the roller coaster with you.

[October]

I'm so #$@#$#@ hurt right i can't see past it. I'm so wrapped up in what hapenns when i go off meds.....so perfectly emotional.....thank you all for the support, i see it through angry tears.....hurt and burning tears.

THE THING IS.....NOBODY GETS THIS CLOSE TO ME. NOBODY. NO ONE HURTS ME WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. I AM INCAPABLE OF HURTING OTHERS.

Sorry for the caps.....i feel far beyond driven with pure perfect emotion right now.

I'm drinking cuervo tonight and well beyond doing it dangerously.....i feel explosive.....i feel hurt, angry, and taken for a sucker.

I am nobody's sucker and ......

I am so hurt and down i want to throw up....i want to unleash the .....i want.

$%#$ it.......the perfection is ......too pure, too strong....

Thank you for caring so much, i don't deserve it.

don't try and tell me i do.

I don't....aqnd if i have to i'll show it.

I love you all.

I'm so sorry to be feeling this...to be doing this....to BE this.

@#@$#%#%%#$%#&^%%$(^#$@&^$@*^@%(^$%@*%#%$(@%(@^%$#

[October]

thank you all for the kindness.

Tonight i don't deserve let alone allow myself such a thing.

Tonight is for hurt, bools, and maybe madness.

Ever read Lisey's Story?

Then you know what a bool is.

TTYL....love, Oct.

[lostone79]

Don't drink my friend in hurt. I know where you are coming from, I live it, I feel it, I suffer it! Alcohol is not the answer, its not even a good band aid. I have been hurt so many times in relationships, a friend of mine just called me about his and we talked about our similar stories. Call a friend, talk to a family member, write me if you would like and we could talk, I will give you my number. I truly know your pain.

[felly79]

[October]

thanks felly......and everyone. I really needed a hug tonight.

I'll tty all tomm. Or i'll try, promise.

[October]

I know i need to talk about getting back on meds for my schizo. problem....for depression....but let me segway for a moment please.

Lisey's Story.

For you Stephen King fans....and i know you (I) are many. READ Lisey's Story......it provides unique and startlingly accurate insight into the lives of those with SI/SMS......and the hidden lives of families living with mental illness.....and not just a skeleton or two in the closet either.

If you knew me in my personal life i imagine it would be impossible for you NOT to know i have been SI'ing for twenty years or so on and off.....sometimes just a little, often alot.....way too much in fact.

This issue being as much undiscussed in the community, as it is ignored by misguided doctors is all too real and alot more common than you would even believe. This book was a shock to me i have to admit.....being fictional it may make you wonder why you should bother......well Mr. King is no stranger to mental health issues....addiction.....problems, and more often than not his characters are based alot closer to home than you might imagine. Read it and tell me what you think.

[October]

As i read the esoteric, lyrical ramblings i wrote last night i am embarassed.............i get like that, i kind of....erm....AM like that. There is something distinctly almost supernatural.....mystical about having schizophrenia. MUSIC is a huge undeniable influence, like movies can take you emotionallt to a particular place or time....or feeling, so does music for me.....movies too. And right now Oasis is on the XM radio. If you have ever heard a song by oasis, i'm sure you know those songs take you somewhere.
Often....oasis songs are what are playing at full volume when you floor the gas while your'e driving in the rain at 3am, driving with your knee while trying to light a ciggarette. Kind of like the extreme opposite....Pantera, Superjoint Ritual, DOWN.........Have you ever listened to down's first and blackly beautiful first album NOLA? If you havn't i need not go any further....come back after you buy it and play it all night......and punch out every window in your truck. Things like this used to be an everyday occurrence for me.....now i try to stick to Greenday.....Oasis....Fleetwood Mac. Stuff that is alot safer.
This post is nothing more than my muses on my condition....please don't try and make sense of it if you havn't already tried....there is none...that's the beautiful part. Do i sound worried to you? There is no place for thoughts like this where i am right now.....no room for error, problems, or deviations from the norm. I lost my insurance.....and oasis is on......so yes i'm a little worried. Actually, the way things are going.........the way i feel and i really havn't had but a little booze, and i mean a little......and it's daytime....2 in the afternoon, i guess maybe i should be a little concerned. Sorry for this rambling crappy and depressing post everyone. It's just where i'm at right now.....right here.

[51anna]

October,

I'm glad to see you back here today.

I know you're struggling. I really think you should talk to your dr about the medication you need.