Off My Meds...maybe my......

[Freedom1990]

October, my youngest was a cutter, so I have some experience with it, but not as a cutter myself.

I can relate to the paranoia as during my last using days (I was an IV meth user), the paranoia was almost unbearable.

I did battle with some pretty severe anxiety early on in recovery, but have managed to work through that issue as I have with so many others in my 12 step program.

I've found most emotional issues have been resolved over the years, with the exception of the depression, which has been with me starting in my teen years.

I hit a really really rough spot late last year where the depression had become so severe, I found myself in the computer chair most of the day, almost completely immobilized, and to the point where drinking was not an option, but sticking a gun in my mouth was.

I have been in therapy before, and once again reached out. I also requested a medication evaluation with the psychiatrist there.

Between the therapy, adding a second antidepressant, tweaking the dosage via regular follow-ups with the psychiatrist, and continuing to stay active in my own recovery through AA, I am finally climbing back out of that abyss that I was sure had me for good this time.

I am glad you feel welcome and accepted. God knows plenty of folks accepted and loved me just as I was when I first found recovery, and that kept me hanging on until I started making some progress.

[aldo1980]

Originally Posted by October

Dude, sometimes i find my posts to be rambling and incoherent too.

I'm sober as can be right now i assure you. If i were drinking.....there would be alot more lyrics, heh heh.

That's what hopeful novelists call "free form" thought in text. I would never be able to hold a conversation long enough to say all that.

Peace and Serenity to you......thanks for posting, always happy to meet people here, wow, Italy.....how IS Italy right now? Here...it's still freezing and all snowy.

October

hi october (i was born in october)
good for you you're not drinking.
i'm sorry if you took offence at what i said before. maybe i was having a bad day and couldn't find the paitaince to study what you'd originally said. appologies.
take care.

[aldo1980]

hi again october!
i've just read through all your posts. i certainly did misunderstand you before and i'm really sorry.
i'm happy i bothered to read through your posts (i must admit i was reluctant) because it was a great read and you have a very particular, yet fascinating, style of expressing yourself. you appear to be extremely intelligent and cultured.
i relate to allot of things you're spoken of.
thanks for sharing. i'll be coming back regularly to follow your posts.
p-s: Halloween's my birthday!

[October]

Thank you Aldo and Freedom.......the kindness i get here is moving.....

Thanks for all the nice things you both said.....i was beginning to think i was alone in this today, but you guys rescued me....more than you know in fact.

After i posted about my cutting, i found a suicide/self harm support site and posted there......but noone answered....it was not good for my state of mind.
PLEASE........never apologise to me for finding my posts to be hard to read or esoteric and unintelligible.....they often are. You guys are the best friends a guy could ever ask for and i count my blessings everyday i foud this place...and all of you. I know i have problems....it is so helpful and encouraging to know i am not alone in this. Being a cutter has caused me nothing but huge problems.....and scars i can't hide. I'm really struggling with not cutting last few days....i am so grateful for your company, kind words, and helpful insight....your posts moved me to tears as i was about to log off and go find .......well, things i shouldn't. I'm sorry.....i should have known you would be here for me. I won't make that mistake again. Humbly and sincerely yours.......Peace. O.

[aldo1980]

Originally Posted by October

PLEASE........never apologise to me for finding my posts to be hard to read or esoteric and unintelligible.....they often are.

i wasn't appologizing for your posts. i was appologizing for not having taken the time to read what you'd said because i'd judged you too soon.

Originally Posted by October

it is so helpful and encouraging to know i am not alone in this.

you're certainly not alone with this my friend. i wish i had some advice for you but, unfortunatly, i don't.

[warrens]

October

No, you are not alone. I sense from your writing that you are perhaps brilliant. You seem to me to be like a high pressure firehose that is wildly flailing around. Somehow it needs to be captured and directed at the fire.

To be honest however, the demons you face appear to be beyond the good faith advice of most of us here. Most of us face mere addiction.

Thus, I can only implore you to seek the most expert help that you can find. Your "stuff" has no simple answers, no Big Book that will help you find stasis. I certainly feel that you must stay away from any mood altering substance, including alcohol. That is a given and we can help.

But you also seem to be in clear and present danger. Not always something that you can talk yourself through. Find a safe, therapeutic environment that removes the danger. Only when you are stable can you begin to take forward steps. Get control of the hose. You need "hands on" help.

Keep posting keep searching. This place does not close.

warren

[Hevyn]

I agree, you're not alone in this, October. We are here and we are listening. I also agree with Warrens that hands on help is needed, but I understand you are opposed to that & you must have your reasons. We may not know of these particular demons you are trying to fight off, but we care about you & we're not going anywhere.

[least]

I must agree that you have issues that this forum can't begin to address (it takes one to know one), but that while/until you get such "hands on" help, we certainly are going to be here, different ones of us in different time zones, but no, this place never closes!!


October is the month in which the chill winds begin to blow... but that's what makes the leaves turn those brilliant beautiful colors...

[Freedom1990]

October, I'm concerned I haven't seen you post for a couple of days now. I hope you are doing okay, and just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers in Kansas

[aldo1980]

are you ok my friend?

[least]

I was wondering the same thing. October, please talk to us.

[51anna]

Hopefully October is just taking a break and will return soon.

Sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts to you, October.