Off My Meds...maybe my......

[October]

Thank you so much Freedom......i am seriously humbled you say such kind things.

With pure humility...i must admit iv'e been writing a long time, it's one of the only things i enjoy doing. I can't even explain the depth of the compliment you just made......please know i am humbled and grateful for your kind words.

I have to say, i was Struck like lightning with what i can tell is a complete and blind dedication to animals you exude. THAT is something i respect and hold dear, i am on my second rescue dog.....Sammy is the best dog in the world, and sha has large shoes to fill......my first rescue, Levi was a true and loyal friend.....it makes me cry to this day to remember the three tractor, four pickup, and one saab procession my dear old friend recieved on the day his time came. I am honored to be able to say Levi was my friend and perfect companion. YOU KEEP LOVING those dogs......i'll keep rescuing....loving....ANYTHING i can. It is truly an honor and priviledge to recieve your kind words in my thread Sir. My deepest thanks.

[October]

Freedom said some things that really struck home for me....The Abyss.

Anyone who has ever lived on the ocean is familiar with the rythm of the tides...the flow and ebb of the ocean.

Depression.....Darkness.....the flow and ebb of these emotions is much the same as those of the ocean, the pilings of the soul are ever being covered and uncovered.....the tides of being human. For some these tides come faster....deeper....and with reluctance, with perfection, with.....

Seasons in the Abyss are what i have always called the ever persistent flow and ebb......the waxing and waning of emotion, the dark reality when that skeleton comes boogeying out of the closet. It's what we choose to do with this often powerful, never welcome.....darkly and sickly sweet special darkness......do we curl up and embrace the demons.....or shoo them back into the closet? Thats what makes the difference between "normal" people who have no problem whisking those dark feelings under the rug......and those of us........those of us who make friends with the darkness, make it a part of ourselves. Who tend the garden of depression with great care....how would i feel if i were to lose that special darkness....???

[October]

We all have them.

The magnum opus of sanity.....or INsanity, if that is your brand. MY particular strain of the insanity complex varies from day to day....some days worse or better than others.....entirely depending on how one percieves the weight of everyday madness, genius.....emotion.

Our Swan Song comes whn we are at the height or bottom of one's depths of perception of emotion....after all one man's madness is another man's genius, just ask Jackson Pollack. My point is it all depends on the Moment one decides to let go of the wheel.....to relinquish control.....to mash the accelerator to the floor, or slam on the brakes.

Often that Swan Song is playing the moment one steps on those brakes only to find they do not exist.....that moment, that second....when the question comes......you either choose to play your Swan Song as loud as you can.........or the Song plays you. Either way you have passed through the thin membrane between light and dark......the grey so to speak.

I was playing my Swan Song at full volume when i was SI'ing......i won't unleash that particular demon here....but suffice to say, my song was heard for miles and went on for days.....even weeks.

It's that moment.....that second right now. Do you crank it up and rip off the knob, or quell the volume and tell yourself everything is fine.....i choose to stop at the local electronics store.....buy the biggest amp i can find and plug it in on ten.

[October]

I get up....get ready to face this world.

I come down. I come down so hard....in a pool of ^%$# i lay.

Lycergyk Funeral Procession....is it worth the risk to lose that special darkness.(?)

For the schizophrenic.....for me, depression is an excercise in perfection of emotion. Not just to push the envelope......but to tear it open and read the letter. To really and truly let go of perception......to truly let that which does not matter really slide. Those who really believe.....who trust in that darkness are the kind of people who turn off the headlights on a dark and rainy night.......or the apex of pure rush emotion, shutting off the lights on a full moon night, letting her pale cool perfection guide you.....to run with the moon. Either way.....you have to trust in that darkness to keep you....to guide you....this is what it means to be beautifully depressed, to not only embrace that cool, sweet october moon......but to make it your own. To run with her. Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? I have.....it was beautiful....it was perfect.

[October]

The novelist in me has to do that now and then i hope nobody minds....sorry about that.

The thing is.....i don't write about anything that is not painfully close to me.......close enough to breathe down my neck. You'll probably feel alot better if you talk about it has been said more than once.....if i knew what TO talk about without fear of people close to me getting worried or possibly god forbid, Judging me.....i would, i would. I AM.

Well, i'm trying anyway.

What really worries me is.....how can some stranger with some sparkling, expensive.....and often mysterious degree in somethingoranother know what is best for me.....yeah, i know i need Something, do i need to be Saved? CAN such a thing exist? What if......for ME, being saved is letting go....Running with the Moon and walking Alone. What if.....doing 100 miles an hour down an unknown road is what makes me Happy. What if....what if i'm crazy, what if i'm just overly sensitive, what IF I'M FINE with being a paranoid nervous constantly drinking trainwreck??!! But...erm, what if i'm wrong.

What if's are endless.

[October]

Being happy with what you have. Chasing the dream. Saving for retirement.

Like Tyler said, society has us working jobs we hate to buy stuff we don't need. I believe that.....it's only when you have completely abandoned all hope that we can truly be saved. What i have to ask is What if We don't WANT to be saved?!

Like Lisa said to Susannah.....that's why Freud's picture is on every shrink's wall.....you confess your sins and you are SAVED! (Cha Ching.)

Like I said in my last post.....what if?

What if i'm right, and they are all out to get me? What if it's just delusion and grandiose self perception? What if, what MIGHT be hapenning is part of the Big Solution. There is alot of perceptional cobwebbing to peel back.....and we all know, that is a task one performs for fear of being bitten. The destruction of a person builds character is the Spartan philosophy....the Spartans were some tough as nails folks.....no surrender no retreat sort of stuff.

What i am choking on here.....what is hard for me to swallow....is being able to plant my behind on the proverbial couch and confess my "sins" to someone who is getting paid to listen to me. Getting compensated to review and categorize MY personal mantra. (ACK)

[October]

OK. So there are SOME rings of fire we all have to jump through to survive.......point taken. But aside from survival....from being consumers in a consumer's world, if the pomp and circumstance is at once, stripped away to reveal the proverbial bones......to paraphrase, when was your'e LAST near life experience? If the caravan suddenly dissapeared from the drive.....your'e local grocer headed for the border, the electricity was shut off and the Holy Television ceased to give cranial meat injections.....what is left. Sadly, your average joe or jane is reduced to the prime directive....the hard wiring. If you surgically remove the trappings of society.....there is ALOT we take for granted that isn't going to be there. It's THIS primal self....the basic no frills model i speak to now. When the neighbors come in the night with pitchforks and torches shouting HERETIC.....will you fight for what you know to be right and true. (?) THAT is the soapbox i'm shouting from.....what do you believe......and are you willing to fight for it.

That is the standpoint of my entire stack of worries.....my closet full of boogeymen. What if what makes me ME is all i have.....it IS. Where am i going with this....i'm not entirely sure....but i know one thing. I'm willing to fight for it......whatever IT (??!!) may be. It's all i have to hang onto right now.

[October]

I am not drinking as i re-read all that i wrote here today....i can't say what for as for tonight though....

These cryptic, esoteric ramblings are just what bubbles up as i think about my fears....my victories.....my losses.

If my words today help ignite a fire in even one person i have done my job. Which is what? TO MAKE PEOPLE SAY WTF ......to throw myself upon the mercy of the tribe without fear....WITH Fear, to be honestly and plain old Me.

I in all honesty don't have anyone else to vent to or talk things out with but all of you. I hope i have not been any trouble, and as always....wish everyone here and not here Peace, Serenity, and All the Best. (see you tonight if i can....heh)

[October]

In true long-winded, endlessly esoteric, lyrical ME style, i can't just stop here.

I have been consoled that i am NOT at risk for being thrown out, OR winding up drying out on some sterile ward. So with that said....here i sit, keeping the couch from flying up to the cieling....hunched over the keyboard.

It's seriously funny how little i would have said by now had this been a Live, interpersonal conversation....in fact, i doubt i would have evn said a word........funny how emotional detatchment facilitates interaction.

If you were sitting in this room right now, there would be silence i am sure. I have a major malfunction when it comes to conversation. Nodding and Smiling have gotten me THIS far, why fix it if it's not broken. This WILL be the last of these introspective type posts, for tonight. This particular piece of inner vision......of self perception helps me illuminate how important this site is...and how much i value you fine people.....my dear and only friends to be precise. I just wanted to say thank you for listening before my writer's candle extinguishes itself for the day/night/??......peace and serenity.

[aldo1980]

Originally Posted by October

I think i'll drink the rest of that cuervo and see where the road goes tonight

dude, to be honest i find your posts in this thread incoherent and difficult to follow. should you be drinking with schitzofrenia?
i hope things work out for you.

[nogard]

Hi October, how you doing?

[October]

Cheers to you Nogard.......i'm actually doing allright today, no panic attacks.....no major malfunctions to gripe about. How are YOU doing? How's things going on the other side of the world? I HAVE to see Australia someday when and if i can afford it. Question for you mate.....ever been on Psychforums? Your'e handle sounds really familiar....please forgive me if i'm wrong ......iv'e met alot of new people lately. Oh.....for the guy from Italy who posted.....i apologise for sounding esoteric. I'm not drinking today.
Maybe that's why....heh heh.

[nogard]

I am well mad, but no never been there, my insanity is to do with my dis ease of drug addiction and because I treat that on a daily basis sanity has been restored.

Are you self medicating? (that includes taking or not taking prescribed meds when you decide too)

[October]

Originally Posted by aldo1980

dude, to be honest i find your posts in this thread incoherent and difficult to follow. should you be drinking with schitzofrenia?
i hope things work out for you.

Dude, sometimes i find my posts to be rambling and incoherent too.

I'm sober as can be right now i assure you. If i were drinking.....there would be alot more lyrics, heh heh.

That's what hopeful novelists call "free form" thought in text. I would never be able to hold a conversation long enough to say all that.

Peace and Serenity to you......thanks for posting, always happy to meet people here, wow, Italy.....how IS Italy right now? Here...it's still freezing and all snowy.

October

[October]

Sorry mate.....i have some friends down under, actually all over the world.........i' am really sorry to hear you are struggling with the potential problems that go along with addiction. I went completely mad when i was taking speed.....am off the pills 1 month or so now......i would be happy to try and help you along if i can......have you spoken to a doctor about this?

And YES.....if being off the seroquell is being mad then i sound off resoundingly and positively. I took some last night so i could sleep....but have not been maintaining the dosage properly. That will be short lived though.....i assure you.

I can promise you one thing though......even though the sickness.....the cravings, of coming off opiate, speed, just about any pill addiction DO pass.......i was as hardcore as they come, never thought i could....but i DID get off the pills. YOU can too with the help of a doctor or a healthcare professional. If you need a friend to talk to i am always here for you my friend.

[nogard]

lol October, I am loving my recovery, not suffering just saying how I deal with life/recovery have been doing that for some time, sharing it as it might be for you.

I suggest instead of posting here, you read around this and other forums, may help you a bit.

Kevin