can't forgive myself - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

least · 03-12-2008, 05:06 AM

for falling off the wagon yesterday, after reaching four days without alcohol. Now Ihave to start all over, and get past the withdrawal all over again... because I'm TOO STUPID OR WEAK OR SOMETHING to stay sober more than four days. I feel so ashamed of myself. I am starting all over today but am so sorry to lose the four days I had gained sober. what the hell is wrong with me that I can't get past four days sober??? I am sick of myself.

I am praying to a God I'm not sure of that I can get past this horrible mistake and do better this time.

reed · 03-12-2008, 06:08 AM

Don't be upset with yourself. 4 days was a pretty good attempt. You know you can do it. I couldn't make it a couple of hours when I tried to quit by myself. Atleast you know you can go 4 days, so build on that. Have you considered AA for support? Keep trying, you got this!

Robzoloft · 03-12-2008, 06:12 AM

Hey- I can relate on all kinds of levels to your post. I KNOW how you feel...read through my old posts..we have a lot in common.

chiynita · 03-12-2008, 06:21 AM

Its not about being stupid or weak. It is that called addiction.
And day one is a great start. Because it means you keep trying. Read my sig.

29a · 03-12-2008, 06:25 AM

I can't say for you, but it sounds to me like what's wrong with you may be that your an alcoholic.
If it were easy to quit there would be no treatment programs, no need for AA, and no sober recovery. They would be pointless.

The fact is is that it's not easy. There is no need to beat yourself up. You can't changed what's happened but you can learn from it.

I found a solution by going to AA, listening to suggestions and working throught the steps with a sponsor.

I hope you find yours as well.

***nandm*** · 03-12-2008, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by least

for falling off the wagon yesterday, after reaching four days without alcohol. Now Ihave to start all over, and get past the withdrawal all over again... because I'm TOO STUPID OR WEAK OR SOMETHING to stay sober more than four days. I feel so ashamed of myself. I am starting all over today but am so sorry to lose the four days I had gained sober. what the hell is wrong with me that I can't get past four days sober??? I am sick of myself.

I am praying to a God I'm not sure of that I can get past this horrible mistake and do better this time.

I too could not seem to stop drinking when I tried to. It seemed like I could not get the thoughts out of my head. Each day was a struggle. I felt like I was going insane. Each time I wound up drinking I too questioned why I wasn't strong enough to stop. Why I was so weak.

It took me 20 years of drinking and getting to the point where I could not face living any longer if living meant continuing to live in the bottle. I reached out and found a recovery program. I realized that I was not weak, I have a disease. Having a disease does not mean I am a weak willed person any more than saying someone with diabetes is a weak willed person because their body reacts to sugar different than mine. My body reacts to alcohol in a similiar way to an allergen. I needed help to stop. Just as the diabetic needs insulin I needed something more powerful than what I had to stop my drinking. I found that power in Alcoholics Anonymous. I will have 7 years sober as of tomorrow. It can be done.

There are many recovery programs out there. I would suggest finding one that you feel you can work at then go to it whole heartedly. Put all the willpower you have into working that program. I am willing to bet good money that you will find you can stop drinking.

Don't beat yourself up, that is not productive. Put your energy into something useful, my suggestion is a program of recovery. Then you will see results.

Here is a list of recovery programs:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html (Recovery Programs)

JPat · 03-12-2008, 01:10 PM

least - I am right there with you. I'm on day 2 AGAIN - but the point is to keep trying. We can do this! There is nothing you can do about the past - so you have to move forward. I know how you feel - but you are not alone.

We're all here for you!

**51anna** · 03-12-2008, 01:29 PM

You sounded just like I did when I was trying to stop drinking.

I would get stuck at 3 days, over and over again. I think as soon as I started feeling like, yes, maybe I can do this, I'd sabotage myself. I didn't realize how I was so afraid of succeeding. I think failure was more familiar to me and even though it felt bad, it seemed more comfortable.

Try to believe in yourself and that you deserve a good life.

parentrecovers · 03-12-2008, 01:46 PM

well, i forgive you. it's a tough disease. just take it one day at a time, least. hugs, k

SF69 · 03-12-2008, 02:11 PM

Least, I too would like to suggest you get help (AA or another program) with your recovery. For me in the past when I'd tried to "quit" (they were all half-hearted attempts) by myself, I'd go 7-10 days max, then be back to where I started.

I think God pointed me toward AA and here because he got sick of hearing me promise to quit drinking if He'd just get me through that hangover.

gravity · 03-12-2008, 07:28 PM

I've been in this state of mind so many times. I am almost 3 months sober and (of equal or maybe more importance) I have absolutely no desire to drink. What it took for me was the willingness & committment to do 'whatever it takes' to quit drinking & to be okay with the idea of living a life without alcohol. For me, this included swallowing my pride/fear and going to AA, immediately getting a sponsor, & working through the steps (I'm on step 8). I also pray, participate of SR, maintain a journal, do tons of recovery related reading, reconnected with my loved ones (very supportive), and am trying to work on the issues underlying my drinking. I have been able to do this & still work on being a good dad, husband, and employee. And even though I am feeling so much better today, I will not let up.

I hope you find your path. Sobriety is possible and you are worth it.

**CarolD** · 03-12-2008, 07:33 PM

Many of us had false starts on our way to solid recovery.

Just try again

Pinkcuda · 03-12-2008, 08:06 PM

WTF? Be thankful. You got 4 sober days out of the deal
First thing you have to do is Forgive Yourself. Ill feelings toward yourself is a sure fire way to end up drunk. If you forgive yourself you will find that you are worthy of the effort it takes moreso than if you didn't forgive yourself. So you lost 4 days. So what! Is being sober so important that losing 4 days bothers you that much? Something to think about next time a bottle calls on you.

serenityqueen · 03-12-2008, 08:18 PM

We took an unofficial survey at a meeting a few weeks ago asking for a show of hands of those people who remained Clean & Sober from their very first attempt. No hands were raised.

As the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous says, this disease of alcoholism(addiction) is cunning, baffling and powerful.

I encourage you to start going to AA meetings right away. I am a firm believer that a solid support system that is centered around AA/NA has the best chance of giving us alcoholics/addicts what we need to remain Clean & Sober.

God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy

Dee74 · 03-13-2008, 02:02 AM

Beating yourself up is a great way to end up 'there' again...take it from one who knows.
I've also learned it's not about weakness, least, it's about addiction - they may look superficially the same but they *are* two different things.

Like someone else said...forget losing....you gained 4 days....and a reinforcement that you and drinking don't just mix...and hey - you came back here...you sound more like a winner to me...

learn from this, dust yourself off, and move on...try again

Think about what you need to do it right next time

keep posting

D

jus4today · 03-13-2008, 02:26 AM

You certainly are not alone. I have had 4 days so many times on my way to recovery, I can't begin to count them. That's why it's cunning, baffling and powerful. In my opinion, it has to about honesty (being honest with yourself) and complete acceptance of the first step in AA. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol....". This takes complete acceptance or we are on a slippery slope because the idea of control seeps in and then more drinking and consequences. At the moment I think I will have a drink and things will be different, I am indulging insanity. Never quit quitting. I believe it takes 100% effort in a recovery based program but I am not there yet either.

aldo1980 · 03-13-2008, 07:05 AM

Hi!
Nothing to be ashamed of. How many times did we have to fall in order to learn how to walk!?
I feel off the wagon after 7 and half years. I was so angry at myself. I thought i'd have to go another 7+ years before I could regain my pride. But I was wrong. I'm already 5 months sober and I've been proud of every moment of it!
Try again. We're all here to help.

Good luck.

03-12-2008, 05:06 AM	#1 (permalink)
least Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: USA Posts: 2,343	can't forgive myself for falling off the wagon yesterday, after reaching four days without alcohol. Now Ihave to start all over, and get past the withdrawal all over again... because I'm TOO STUPID OR WEAK OR SOMETHING to stay sober more than four days. I feel so ashamed of myself. I am starting all over today but am so sorry to lose the four days I had gained sober. what the hell is wrong with me that I can't get past four days sober??? I am sick of myself. I am praying to a God I'm not sure of that I can get past this horrible mistake and do better this time.
	__________________ I'd rather live in my van with my dogs than live in a mansion without them. Sober since 7/14/08

03-12-2008, 06:12 AM	#3 (permalink)
Robzoloft Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 175	You're not alone Hey- I can relate on all kinds of levels to your post. I KNOW how you feel...read through my old posts..we have a lot in common.
Robzoloft Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 175

03-12-2008, 06:21 AM	#4 (permalink)
chiynita My Heart Is With The Ocean Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Clifton Park Posts: 4,402	Its not about being stupid or weak. It is that called addiction. And day one is a great start. Because it means you keep trying. Read my sig.
	__________________ "True Failure...Is When We Stop Trying." "When we long for a life without difficulty. Remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."

03-12-2008, 06:25 AM	#5 (permalink)
29a God is my benzo Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Charlotte, nc Posts: 199	I can't say for you, but it sounds to me like what's wrong with you may be that your an alcoholic. If it were easy to quit there would be no treatment programs, no need for AA, and no sober recovery. They would be pointless. The fact is is that it's not easy. There is no need to beat yourself up. You can't changed what's happened but you can learn from it. I found a solution by going to AA, listening to suggestions and working throught the steps with a sponsor. I hope you find yours as well.
	__________________ If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.

03-12-2008, 01:10 PM	#7 (permalink)
JPat Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Washington Posts: 118	least - I am right there with you. I'm on day 2 AGAIN - but the point is to keep trying. We can do this! There is nothing you can do about the past - so you have to move forward. I know how you feel - but you are not alone. We're all here for you!
	__________________ Jen Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

03-12-2008, 06:08 AM	#2 (permalink)
reed Naturally Occuring Phenomenon Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Baltimore, Maryland Posts: 443	Don't be upset with yourself. 4 days was a pretty good attempt. You know you can do it. I couldn't make it a couple of hours when I tried to quit by myself. Atleast you know you can go 4 days, so build on that. Have you considered AA for support? Keep trying, you got this!

03-12-2008, 01:29 PM	#8 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 10,279	You sounded just like I did when I was trying to stop drinking. I would get stuck at 3 days, over and over again. I think as soon as I started feeling like, yes, maybe I can do this, I'd sabotage myself. I didn't realize how I was so afraid of succeeding. I think failure was more familiar to me and even though it felt bad, it seemed more comfortable. Try to believe in yourself and that you deserve a good life.
	__________________ Anna "I don't know what the future is holding in store I don't know where Im going, Im not sure where Ive been Theres a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I don't need to see the end." John Denver

03-12-2008, 01:46 PM	#9 (permalink)
parentrecovers Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: USA Posts: 11,128	well, i forgive you. it's a tough disease. just take it one day at a time, least. hugs, k
	__________________

03-12-2008, 02:11 PM	#10 (permalink)
SF69 Anxiety King Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 404	Least, I too would like to suggest you get help (AA or another program) with your recovery. For me in the past when I'd tried to "quit" (they were all half-hearted attempts) by myself, I'd go 7-10 days max, then be back to where I started. I think God pointed me toward AA and here because he got sick of hearing me promise to quit drinking if He'd just get me through that hangover.

03-12-2008, 07:28 PM	#11 (permalink)
gravity Keep me where the light is Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 1,053	I've been in this state of mind so many times. I am almost 3 months sober and (of equal or maybe more importance) I have absolutely no desire to drink. What it took for me was the willingness & committment to do 'whatever it takes' to quit drinking & to be okay with the idea of living a life without alcohol. For me, this included swallowing my pride/fear and going to AA, immediately getting a sponsor, & working through the steps (I'm on step 8). I also pray, participate of SR, maintain a journal, do tons of recovery related reading, reconnected with my loved ones (very supportive), and am trying to work on the issues underlying my drinking. I have been able to do this & still work on being a good dad, husband, and employee. And even though I am feeling so much better today, I will not let up. I hope you find your path. Sobriety is possible and you are worth it.

03-12-2008, 07:33 PM	#12 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 13,786	Many of us had false starts on our way to solid recovery. Just try again
	__________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery...

03-12-2008, 08:06 PM	#13 (permalink)
Pinkcuda Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Windsor CO Posts: 562	WTF? Be thankful. You got 4 sober days out of the deal First thing you have to do is Forgive Yourself. Ill feelings toward yourself is a sure fire way to end up drunk. If you forgive yourself you will find that you are worthy of the effort it takes moreso than if you didn't forgive yourself. So you lost 4 days. So what! Is being sober so important that losing 4 days bothers you that much? Something to think about next time a bottle calls on you.

03-12-2008, 08:18 PM	#14 (permalink)
serenityqueen Attitude of Gratitude Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Dayton, Ohio Posts: 1,169	We took an unofficial survey at a meeting a few weeks ago asking for a show of hands of those people who remained Clean & Sober from their very first attempt. No hands were raised. As the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous says, this disease of alcoholism(addiction) is cunning, baffling and powerful. I encourage you to start going to AA meetings right away. I am a firm believer that a solid support system that is centered around AA/NA has the best chance of giving us alcoholics/addicts what we need to remain Clean & Sober. God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today, Judy
	__________________ *"It's Great to be the Queen!"*

03-13-2008, 02:02 AM	#15 (permalink)
Dee74 grouch Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: far out. Posts: 7,889	Beating yourself up is a great way to end up 'there' again...take it from one who knows. I've also learned it's not about weakness, least, it's about addiction - they may look superficially the same but they are two different things. Like someone else said...forget losing....you gained 4 days....and a reinforcement that you and drinking don't just mix...and hey - you came back here...you sound more like a winner to me... learn from this, dust yourself off, and move on...try again Think about what you need to do it right next time keep posting D
	__________________ No More Groundhog Day!! Never argue with an idiot: they'll drag you down to their level - and beat you with experience....

03-13-2008, 02:26 AM	#16 (permalink)
jus4today Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Nashville, TN Posts: 6	You certainly are not alone. I have had 4 days so many times on my way to recovery, I can't begin to count them. That's why it's cunning, baffling and powerful. In my opinion, it has to about honesty (being honest with yourself) and complete acceptance of the first step in AA. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol....". This takes complete acceptance or we are on a slippery slope because the idea of control seeps in and then more drinking and consequences. At the moment I think I will have a drink and things will be different, I am indulging insanity. Never quit quitting. I believe it takes 100% effort in a recovery based program but I am not there yet either.

03-13-2008, 07:05 AM	#17 (permalink)
aldo1980 Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: on the moon Posts: 760	Hi! Nothing to be ashamed of. How many times did we have to fall in order to learn how to walk!? I feel off the wagon after 7 and half years. I was so angry at myself. I thought i'd have to go another 7+ years before I could regain my pride. But I was wrong. I'm already 5 months sober and I've been proud of every moment of it! Try again. We're all here to help. Good luck.
	__________________ sober since 2008-03-16 soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/133465-introduction-my-story.html