I'm beyond frustration - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Toomutch · 03-01-2008, 11:28 AM

I just took another ativan to try to get me through this anxiety. My family is driving me crazy... My family consists of a husband and 4 teenagers. I am on day 7 going through hell and it seem that they are flies on my food at a picnic.

"Mom, lets go shopping", "Honey, get up and lets go to lunch", Mom when are you washibg whites". "Honey you dont need a doctor, just be strong, people quit drinking every day". "Lets walk the dogs". Lets work on the basement". AND ON AND ON AND ON!!!
.Fact is I dont want to do anything, all I want is support. If I say anything to my husband he will get mad and take it personally.
I know I must sound very ungrateful right now and I am sorry for that, but am just being honest with all of you

***Anna*** · 03-01-2008, 11:44 AM

Hi,

I understand your frustration.

I didn't have support from my family when I stopped drinking either - they had pretty much given up on me. I do remember feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Just do what you can do and understand that your family doesn't know how hard it is to get sober. That's why you come here.

Mattcake · 03-01-2008, 11:44 AM

Toomutch, vent away! Your family probably doesn't understand what you're going through. But that's what we're here for, to support you. Just hang in there, it should get better soon. Yeah yeah, I know, everyone kept telling me that the first few days. But they were right, it IS getting better. Concentrate on your own needs right now, remind yourself that you're going through this for your family as well as yourself.

Matt

Toomutch · 03-01-2008, 11:48 AM

Matt and Anna, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for responding, I just feel so alone right now even with all thes people around me. It almost seems as if I would feel less alone if they would just leave for awhile.

Would it be wrong to ask my husband to take the kids to lunch and a movie so I can have some space? My fear is tat he will get mad.

***Anna*** · 03-01-2008, 11:53 AM

For me, in early sobriety, I was trying to 'mend fences'. I had caused a lot of pain for my family and I was working really hard to try to improve things.

Each of us is different, and you need to do whatever works for you.

I hope you find some peace this afternoon.

Mattcake · 03-01-2008, 11:57 AM

Hmm.. I feel uncomfortable giving that sort of advice. But have you talked to him honestly? If you give him a chance, maybe he could understand your need for space right now. In any case, do whatever you need to do. Be your own priority right now - that's not being selfish. Just my humble opinion.

Matt

warrens · 03-01-2008, 12:04 PM

You are not alone here, toomutch.

I have no "advice" on how to deal with your family? Are they aware? Are they aware of your drinking? Has it affected them?

This is a place of serenity (at least most times it is). Imagine it as your own personal island of respite, populated only by people of your choosing. Seriously.

I've been here only two weeks (I'm on day 15). I'm no master of understatement, so I'll simply say that the impact of this community on me is HUGE. It is not responsible for my recovery status, but it sure has enabled it.

If you allow it, you will share with as many people as you wish. As many people as you need.

Go forth and multiply the number of people you can talk to openly and honestly. Take what you need and leave the rest. You are respected here.

warrens

Jomey · 03-01-2008, 12:16 PM

Hi TooMuch...I can only share what worked for me and that was exactly what you described...in the very beginning of my sobriety, I needed a lot of extra help with the kids from my husband and MIL to get me through the first two weeks. If you think your husband would get mad, can you ask a friend or relative to take the kids for an afternoon? Maybe farm them out to their friends? I empathize, sweetie, vent away! You are certainly among friends who understand! Good luck!

lovingseren · 03-01-2008, 12:25 PM

I had to learn in recovery how to say "NO".

I had to learn that self care was essential, and that in order to be a better mother I had to take some "me" time.

Others might not understand our issues, but we can set boundaries with them, we can and must do so for our own sakes.

Self care is not selfish.

Seren

Goodnfast · 03-01-2008, 12:34 PM

Hi Toomuch:

As others have already said here, most people who have not quit drinking have absolutely no idea what you are going through physically and mentally. Therefore, they have no idea how to support you or what not to do/say (such as "just be strong").

The people here on the SR forums do however...it's a great place to come for some understanding and support. Go do something just for you...you deserve it for making the decision to lead a sober life.

Keep going!

mad1nola · 03-01-2008, 12:36 PM

I know exactly how you feel. You just want to be left alone and at times that may be good. I think your family is trying to support you-the way they know how. Maybe you should tell them the type of support you need. Also go to AA meetings to be around others who are going through or who have gone through what you are going through now. Sobriety is hard but it is a goal worth working hard toward. Take care of yourself this is a delicate time for you.:praying

Toomutch · 03-01-2008, 04:21 PM

Once again, thanks for all the feedback.
I did go out to lunch with my family and tried to have a good time, but failed miserably. Since we have been home my Mom and brother called. I told each of them I did not feel like talking, and my brother said "why not, this is fun, I dont remember the last time I talked to you when you were sober". ARGH... That annoyed me so badly. I no I must sound like the bigest lunitic or bitc* to everyone, but I just need time.
I must be parinoid because it seems like they all put their heads together and said lets butg the shi* out of her today to see just how much she can take. Sorry I just had to rant a little bit more. I thank the Lord for my family and know I am blessed! I just want some space.

**Dee74** · 03-01-2008, 05:05 PM

it's really hard to adjust to life sober - I remember being like a bear with a sore head...matter of fact I still am sometimes. It takes time to readjust to feeling - we've numbed ourselves for so long it can feel like an avalanche of stuff is coming at us.

I don't know how responsive your husband or family would be to you trying to explain this...short of that, you just have to ride it out and remember that, no matter what, a drink won't help...it'll only compound the problem in the long run.

No backward steps

D

warrens · 03-01-2008, 05:07 PM

Too Mutch

You haven't answered an important question that would allow others to empathize and support you.

Does your family/husband know? Have they suffered as a result of your disease?

My "opinion," based upon my family experiences and nothing else. Teenagers and Husbands should be able to handle an honest sit down with Mom. They are not "children" any more.

Can you tell them that their mother's life depends on what you are doing. Can you ask them if they would like you around when they have children? That could be what is at stake.

Doesn't mean they have to cease their crazy lives (they deserve to have "normal" lives). Just means that they may have to become a little more self sufficient right now. Not a bad thing for teen agers and Husbands to learn, by the way.

Rather than selfish, I can think of no greater gift that you might give them than a sober TooMutch.

Is inpatient treatment an option? If so, you might consider that. 21 days of focus. I've done it and it was wonderful. My kids were teenagers at the time (although in college).

It helped keep me sane and sober for quite a while, until my bloody brain got in the act.

Peace and Serenity

warrens

Toomutch · 03-01-2008, 05:10 PM

Dee, I'm looking an feeling .a lot like your avatar today

IO Storm · 03-01-2008, 05:14 PM

Sorry I just had to rant a little bit more. I thank the Lord for my family and know I am blessed! I just want some space..............

We all know you feel this way...because we have all been exactly where you are.

Problem is..(they) probably don't. How can they? No one but us knows how

awful it truly is.....

You need support...at least a talk with your husband...it won't hurt to try. You really

need his help right now...

Just my opinion dear.

Best wishes..

Sherry

Toomutch · 03-01-2008, 05:15 PM

Warrens, Yes they do know and have all been wanting this for so long. I just feel like I am not completly being supported by them. They just want me well and not feelin/acting like I am now. They are just not getting it.

Toomutch · 03-01-2008, 05:18 PM

Sherry,
I have talked to my husband and asked if he would take the kids to lunch and give me some space. He said I don't know what I want right now so he will be making some decisions for me.

***Hevyn*** · 03-01-2008, 06:02 PM

I'm on Day 48 and remember clearly Day 7. At that point it's still all so new and so raw - physically and mentally. How can we tell those around us we are in a period of transition - not to be disappointed or expect too much of us? We can't just snap back into shape as if we've had the flu or something. Try as they might, it's just impossible for them to really understand. (I remember when my first husband came out of detox many years ago. How naive I was then! I expected a shiny, happy new person. How appalled I was to see that he was sober, but still miserable and full of despair. I just didn't "get it" back then.) Drying out this time, it was good I was alone alot. I could pace, cry, blast music, watch a movie, frantically type emails to my friends - and of course get on SR. I've gone through many different phases rather quickly, each time thinking, "Is this as good as I'm ever going to feel?!" I promise you the answer to that is NO. It sounds like a cliche, but it truly does get better and better as we come out into the sunshine once again. Don't be impatient with yourself.
Thanks for starting this thread....a very good share. Love, Joanie

IO Storm · 03-01-2008, 06:11 PM

Hey toomutch...

Is that good for you..or do you feel like the rug has been pulled? It sounds like he is

trying help?

03-01-2008, 11:28 AM	#1 (permalink)
Toomutch with a new light in my eyes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Littleton, Co. Posts: 3,178	I'm beyond frustration I just took another ativan to try to get me through this anxiety. My family is driving me crazy... My family consists of a husband and 4 teenagers. I am on day 7 going through hell and it seem that they are flies on my food at a picnic. "Mom, lets go shopping", "Honey, get up and lets go to lunch", Mom when are you washibg whites". "Honey you dont need a doctor, just be strong, people quit drinking every day". "Lets walk the dogs". Lets work on the basement". AND ON AND ON AND ON!!! .Fact is I dont want to do anything, all I want is support. If I say anything to my husband he will get mad and take it personally. I know I must sound very ungrateful right now and I am sorry for that, but am just being honest with all of you __________________ The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.

03-01-2008, 11:44 AM	#2 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 27,807	Hi, I understand your frustration. I didn't have support from my family when I stopped drinking either - they had pretty much given up on me. I do remember feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Just do what you can do and understand that your family doesn't know how hard it is to get sober. That's why you come here. __________________ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Marianne Willianson

03-01-2008, 11:48 AM	#4 (permalink)
Toomutch with a new light in my eyes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Littleton, Co. Posts: 3,178	Matt and Anna, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for responding, I just feel so alone right now even with all thes people around me. It almost seems as if I would feel less alone if they would just leave for awhile. Would it be wrong to ask my husband to take the kids to lunch and a movie so I can have some space? My fear is tat he will get mad. __________________ The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.

03-01-2008, 11:53 AM	#5 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 27,807	For me, in early sobriety, I was trying to 'mend fences'. I had caused a lot of pain for my family and I was working really hard to try to improve things. Each of us is different, and you need to do whatever works for you. I hope you find some peace this afternoon. __________________ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Marianne Willianson

03-01-2008, 12:25 PM	#9 (permalink)
lovingseren Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Vancouver BC Posts: 386	I had to learn in recovery how to say "NO". I had to learn that self care was essential, and that in order to be a better mother I had to take some "me" time. Others might not understand our issues, but we can set boundaries with them, we can and must do so for our own sakes. Self care is not selfish. Seren __________________ My recovery program is Women For Sobriety WFS Sober since Oct 2003

03-01-2008, 11:44 AM	#3 (permalink)
Mattcake grateful orbital boy =) Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 2,435 Blog Entries: 9	Toomutch, vent away! Your family probably doesn't understand what you're going through. But that's what we're here for, to support you. Just hang in there, it should get better soon. Yeah yeah, I know, everyone kept telling me that the first few days. But they were right, it IS getting better. Concentrate on your own needs right now, remind yourself that you're going through this for your family as well as yourself. Matt

03-01-2008, 11:57 AM	#6 (permalink)
Mattcake grateful orbital boy =) Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 2,435 Blog Entries: 9	Hmm.. I feel uncomfortable giving that sort of advice. But have you talked to him honestly? If you give him a chance, maybe he could understand your need for space right now. In any case, do whatever you need to do. Be your own priority right now - that's not being selfish. Just my humble opinion. Matt

03-01-2008, 12:04 PM	#7 (permalink)
warrens Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: 49 degrees north Posts: 906	You are not alone here, toomutch. I have no "advice" on how to deal with your family? Are they aware? Are they aware of your drinking? Has it affected them? This is a place of serenity (at least most times it is). Imagine it as your own personal island of respite, populated only by people of your choosing. Seriously. I've been here only two weeks (I'm on day 15). I'm no master of understatement, so I'll simply say that the impact of this community on me is HUGE. It is not responsible for my recovery status, but it sure has enabled it. If you allow it, you will share with as many people as you wish. As many people as you need. Go forth and multiply the number of people you can talk to openly and honestly. Take what you need and leave the rest. You are respected here. warrens

03-01-2008, 12:16 PM	#8 (permalink)
Jomey Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Hicktown, PA Posts: 1,466	Hi TooMuch...I can only share what worked for me and that was exactly what you described...in the very beginning of my sobriety, I needed a lot of extra help with the kids from my husband and MIL to get me through the first two weeks. If you think your husband would get mad, can you ask a friend or relative to take the kids for an afternoon? Maybe farm them out to their friends? I empathize, sweetie, vent away! You are certainly among friends who understand! Good luck!

03-01-2008, 12:34 PM	#10 (permalink)
Goodnfast Recovering Alcoholic/Addict Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Sarasota, FL Posts: 102	Hi Toomuch: As others have already said here, most people who have not quit drinking have absolutely no idea what you are going through physically and mentally. Therefore, they have no idea how to support you or what not to do/say (such as "just be strong"). The people here on the SR forums do however...it's a great place to come for some understanding and support. Go do something just for you...you deserve it for making the decision to lead a sober life. Keep going! __________________ I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. Frank Herbert Dune

03-01-2008, 12:36 PM	#11 (permalink)
mad1nola Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: kenner, la Posts: 25	Tell them how you really feel... I know exactly how you feel. You just want to be left alone and at times that may be good. I think your family is trying to support you-the way they know how. Maybe you should tell them the type of support you need. Also go to AA meetings to be around others who are going through or who have gone through what you are going through now. Sobriety is hard but it is a goal worth working hard toward. Take care of yourself this is a delicate time for you.:praying

03-01-2008, 04:21 PM	#12 (permalink)
Toomutch with a new light in my eyes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Littleton, Co. Posts: 3,178	Once again, thanks for all the feedback. I did go out to lunch with my family and tried to have a good time, but failed miserably. Since we have been home my Mom and brother called. I told each of them I did not feel like talking, and my brother said "why not, this is fun, I dont remember the last time I talked to you when you were sober". ARGH... That annoyed me so badly. I no I must sound like the bigest lunitic or bitc* to everyone, but I just need time. I must be parinoid because it seems like they all put their heads together and said lets butg the shi* out of her today to see just how much she can take. Sorry I just had to rant a little bit more. I thank the Lord for my family and know I am blessed! I just want some space. __________________ The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.

03-01-2008, 05:05 PM	#13 (permalink)
Dee74 SR Moderator Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Seas Posts: 65,417	it's really hard to adjust to life sober - I remember being like a bear with a sore head...matter of fact I still am sometimes. It takes time to readjust to feeling - we've numbed ourselves for so long it can feel like an avalanche of stuff is coming at us. I don't know how responsive your husband or family would be to you trying to explain this...short of that, you just have to ride it out and remember that, no matter what, a drink won't help...it'll only compound the problem in the long run. No backward steps D __________________

03-01-2008, 05:07 PM	#14 (permalink)
warrens Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: 49 degrees north Posts: 906	Too Mutch You haven't answered an important question that would allow others to empathize and support you. Does your family/husband know? Have they suffered as a result of your disease? My "opinion," based upon my family experiences and nothing else. Teenagers and Husbands should be able to handle an honest sit down with Mom. They are not "children" any more. Can you tell them that their mother's life depends on what you are doing. Can you ask them if they would like you around when they have children? That could be what is at stake. Doesn't mean they have to cease their crazy lives (they deserve to have "normal" lives). Just means that they may have to become a little more self sufficient right now. Not a bad thing for teen agers and Husbands to learn, by the way. Rather than selfish, I can think of no greater gift that you might give them than a sober TooMutch. Is inpatient treatment an option? If so, you might consider that. 21 days of focus. I've done it and it was wonderful. My kids were teenagers at the time (although in college). It helped keep me sane and sober for quite a while, until my bloody brain got in the act. Peace and Serenity warrens

03-01-2008, 05:10 PM	#15 (permalink)
Toomutch with a new light in my eyes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Littleton, Co. Posts: 3,178	Dee, I'm looking an feeling .a lot like your avatar today __________________ The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. Last edited by Toomutch; 03-01-2008 at 05:12 PM. Reason: left out name

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03-01-2008, 05:14 PM	#16 (permalink)
IO Storm IO Storm Wheel Of Fortune Champion! Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Southern California Posts: 18,504 Blog Entries: 2	Sorry I just had to rant a little bit more. I thank the Lord for my family and know I am blessed! I just want some space.............. We all know you feel this way...because we have all been exactly where you are. Problem is..(they) probably don't. How can they? No one but us knows how awful it truly is..... You need support...at least a talk with your husband...it won't hurt to try. You really need his help right now... Just my opinion dear. Best wishes.. Sherry __________________ "God holds me still in the eye of the Storm"

03-01-2008, 05:15 PM	#17 (permalink)
Toomutch with a new light in my eyes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Littleton, Co. Posts: 3,178	Warrens, Yes they do know and have all been wanting this for so long. I just feel like I am not completly being supported by them. They just want me well and not feelin/acting like I am now. They are just not getting it. __________________ The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.

03-01-2008, 05:18 PM	#18 (permalink)
Toomutch with a new light in my eyes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Littleton, Co. Posts: 3,178	Sherry, I have talked to my husband and asked if he would take the kids to lunch and give me some space. He said I don't know what I want right now so he will be making some decisions for me. __________________ The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.

03-01-2008, 06:02 PM	#19 (permalink)
*Hevyn* Learning to live again Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Upstate New York Posts: 11,083	This too shall pass I'm on Day 48 and remember clearly Day 7. At that point it's still all so new and so raw - physically and mentally. How can we tell those around us we are in a period of transition - not to be disappointed or expect too much of us? We can't just snap back into shape as if we've had the flu or something. Try as they might, it's just impossible for them to really understand. (I remember when my first husband came out of detox many years ago. How naive I was then! I expected a shiny, happy new person. How appalled I was to see that he was sober, but still miserable and full of despair. I just didn't "get it" back then.) Drying out this time, it was good I was alone alot. I could pace, cry, blast music, watch a movie, frantically type emails to my friends - and of course get on SR. I've gone through many different phases rather quickly, each time thinking, "Is this as good as I'm ever going to feel?!" I promise you the answer to that is NO. It sounds like a cliche, but it truly does get better and better as we come out into the sunshine once again. Don't be impatient with yourself. Thanks for starting this thread....a very good share. Love, Joanie

03-01-2008, 06:11 PM	#20 (permalink)
IO Storm IO Storm Wheel Of Fortune Champion! Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Southern California Posts: 18,504 Blog Entries: 2	Hey toomutch... Is that good for you..or do you feel like the rug has been pulled? It sounds like he is trying help? __________________ "God holds me still in the eye of the Storm"