I'm beyond frustration

[Toomutch]

I just took another ativan to try to get me through this anxiety. My family is driving me crazy... My family consists of a husband and 4 teenagers. I am on day 7 going through hell and it seem that they are flies on my food at a picnic.

"Mom, lets go shopping", "Honey, get up and lets go to lunch", Mom when are you washibg whites". "Honey you dont need a doctor, just be strong, people quit drinking every day". "Lets walk the dogs". Lets work on the basement". AND ON AND ON AND ON!!!
.Fact is I dont want to do anything, all I want is support. If I say anything to my husband he will get mad and take it personally.
I know I must sound very ungrateful right now and I am sorry for that, but am just being honest with all of you

[51anna]

Hi,

I understand your frustration.

I didn't have support from my family when I stopped drinking either - they had pretty much given up on me. I do remember feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Just do what you can do and understand that your family doesn't know how hard it is to get sober. That's why you come here.

[mattcake79]

Toomutch, vent away! Your family probably doesn't understand what you're going through. But that's what we're here for, to support you. Just hang in there, it should get better soon. Yeah yeah, I know, everyone kept telling me that the first few days. But they were right, it IS getting better. Concentrate on your own needs right now, remind yourself that you're going through this for your family as well as yourself.

Matt

[Toomutch]

Matt and Anna, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for responding, I just feel so alone right now even with all thes people around me. It almost seems as if I would feel less alone if they would just leave for awhile.

Would it be wrong to ask my husband to take the kids to lunch and a movie so I can have some space? My fear is tat he will get mad.

[51anna]

For me, in early sobriety, I was trying to 'mend fences'. I had caused a lot of pain for my family and I was working really hard to try to improve things.

Each of us is different, and you need to do whatever works for you.

I hope you find some peace this afternoon.

[mattcake79]

Hmm.. I feel uncomfortable giving that sort of advice. But have you talked to him honestly? If you give him a chance, maybe he could understand your need for space right now. In any case, do whatever you need to do. Be your own priority right now - that's not being selfish. Just my humble opinion.

Matt

[warrens]

You are not alone here, toomutch.

I have no "advice" on how to deal with your family? Are they aware? Are they aware of your drinking? Has it affected them?

This is a place of serenity (at least most times it is). Imagine it as your own personal island of respite, populated only by people of your choosing. Seriously.

I've been here only two weeks (I'm on day 15). I'm no master of understatement, so I'll simply say that the impact of this community on me is HUGE. It is not responsible for my recovery status, but it sure has enabled it.

If you allow it, you will share with as many people as you wish. As many people as you need.

Go forth and multiply the number of people you can talk to openly and honestly. Take what you need and leave the rest. You are respected here.

warrens

[Jomey]

Hi TooMuch...I can only share what worked for me and that was exactly what you described...in the very beginning of my sobriety, I needed a lot of extra help with the kids from my husband and MIL to get me through the first two weeks. If you think your husband would get mad, can you ask a friend or relative to take the kids for an afternoon? Maybe farm them out to their friends? I empathize, sweetie, vent away! You are certainly among friends who understand! Good luck!

[lovingseren]

I had to learn in recovery how to say "NO".

I had to learn that self care was essential, and that in order to be a better mother I had to take some "me" time.

Others might not understand our issues, but we can set boundaries with them, we can and must do so for our own sakes.

Self care is not selfish.

Seren

[Goodnfast]

Hi Toomuch:

As others have already said here, most people who have not quit drinking have absolutely no idea what you are going through physically and mentally. Therefore, they have no idea how to support you or what not to do/say (such as "just be strong").

The people here on the SR forums do however...it's a great place to come for some understanding and support. Go do something just for you...you deserve it for making the decision to lead a sober life.

Keep going!

[mad1nola]

I know exactly how you feel. You just want to be left alone and at times that may be good. I think your family is trying to support you-the way they know how. Maybe you should tell them the type of support you need. Also go to AA meetings to be around others who are going through or who have gone through what you are going through now. Sobriety is hard but it is a goal worth working hard toward. Take care of yourself this is a delicate time for you.

[Toomutch]

Once again, thanks for all the feedback.
I did go out to lunch with my family and tried to have a good time, but failed miserably. Since we have been home my Mom and brother called. I told each of them I did not feel like talking, and my brother said "why not, this is fun, I dont remember the last time I talked to you when you were sober". ARGH... That annoyed me so badly. I no I must sound like the bigest lunitic or bitc* to everyone, but I just need time.
I must be parinoid because it seems like they all put their heads together and said lets butg the shi* out of her today to see just how much she can take. Sorry I just had to rant a little bit more. I thank the Lord for my family and know I am blessed! I just want some space.

[Dee74]

it's really hard to adjust to life sober - I remember being like a bear with a sore head...matter of fact I still am sometimes. It takes time to readjust to feeling - we've numbed ourselves for so long it can feel like an avalanche of stuff is coming at us.

I don't know how responsive your husband or family would be to you trying to explain this...short of that, you just have to ride it out and remember that, no matter what, a drink won't help...it'll only compound the problem in the long run.

No backward steps
D

[warrens]

Too Mutch

You haven't answered an important question that would allow others to empathize and support you.

Does your family/husband know? Have they suffered as a result of your disease?

My "opinion," based upon my family experiences and nothing else. Teenagers and Husbands should be able to handle an honest sit down with Mom. They are not "children" any more.

Can you tell them that their mother's life depends on what you are doing. Can you ask them if they would like you around when they have children? That could be what is at stake.

Doesn't mean they have to cease their crazy lives (they deserve to have "normal" lives). Just means that they may have to become a little more self sufficient right now. Not a bad thing for teen agers and Husbands to learn, by the way.

Rather than selfish, I can think of no greater gift that you might give them than a sober TooMutch.

Is inpatient treatment an option? If so, you might consider that. 21 days of focus. I've done it and it was wonderful. My kids were teenagers at the time (although in college).

It helped keep me sane and sober for quite a while, until my bloody brain got in the act.

Peace and Serenity

warrens

[Toomutch]

Dee, I'm looking an feeling .a lot like your avatar today

[IO Storm]

Sorry I just had to rant a little bit more. I thank the Lord for my family and know I am blessed! I just want some space..............

We all know you feel this way...because we have all been exactly where you are.

Problem is..(they) probably don't. How can they? No one but us knows how

awful it truly is.....

You need support...at least a talk with your husband...it won't hurt to try. You really

need his help right now...

Just my opinion dear.

Best wishes..

Sherry

[Toomutch]

Warrens, Yes they do know and have all been wanting this for so long. I just feel like I am not completly being supported by them. They just want me well and not feelin/acting like I am now. They are just not getting it.

[Toomutch]

Sherry,
I have talked to my husband and asked if he would take the kids to lunch and give me some space. He said I don't know what I want right now so he will be making some decisions for me.

[Hevyn]

I'm on Day 48 and remember clearly Day 7. At that point it's still all so new and so raw - physically and mentally. How can we tell those around us we are in a period of transition - not to be disappointed or expect too much of us? We can't just snap back into shape as if we've had the flu or something. Try as they might, it's just impossible for them to really understand. (I remember when my first husband came out of detox many years ago. How naive I was then! I expected a shiny, happy new person. How appalled I was to see that he was sober, but still miserable and full of despair. I just didn't "get it" back then.) Drying out this time, it was good I was alone alot. I could pace, cry, blast music, watch a movie, frantically type emails to my friends - and of course get on SR. I've gone through many different phases rather quickly, each time thinking, "Is this as good as I'm ever going to feel?!" I promise you the answer to that is NO. It sounds like a cliche, but it truly does get better and better as we come out into the sunshine once again. Don't be impatient with yourself.
Thanks for starting this thread....a very good share. Love, Joanie

[IO Storm]

Hey toomutch...

Is that good for you..or do you feel like the rug has been pulled? It sounds like he is

trying help?

[mattcake79]

Thanks for a great post Joanie, it really helped me at this point - day 9, not exactly thrilled right now.

Toomutch, I hope you've managed to relax a bit. Take it one second at a time.

Matt

[Toomutch]

IQ,

He has always liked to be in control. He tried to control how much I drank, hense the hidden vodka bottles throughout the house. (Now dumped). He just wants to fix me and he can't. I wish he could, then we would all be happy. I love him and know he is trying the best way he knows how, and I should appriciate that, I'm hoping in time I wiil.

[warrens]

Originally Posted by Toomutch

Warrens, Yes they do know and have all been wanting this for so long. I just feel like I am not completly being supported by them. They just want me well and not feelin/acting like I am now. They are just not getting it.

Well, it sounds like you have one hurdle completed. That's good!

The dynamics of every relationship/family are completely different and unique. Thus no one can give you a prescription.

I would guess that some of the available tools might depend on finances. Mutual counseling, inpatient treatment, etc. I am quite positive that a counselor would "educate" hubby regarding the seriousness of things.

My case and my case only: I returned from treatment (5 years ago) a far stronger man than the one who left. Always strong in my professional life, at home I was "Dad the guy who drinks and falls asleep." Sometimes families get used to one of them being the "weak" one. The one who bears the guilt of all and is thus, easy to "push around."

So, when all of a sudden, the weak one asserts herself, it is quite a shock indeed. Throws the established family dynamics for a loop. All of a sudden they have to adapt to something new. And while my ex supported me, she is well, ex. Couldn't handle the new, improved formula. It was easier for my kids, as they were off at college. They now appreciate who I am.


Our recovery is so fragile at this point. Mine is cake compared to your circumstances. Perhaps your husband may make decisions. But for you? Think about that one. You have recently made the decision of your life. Huge. You may be powerless over alcohol, but you strike me as a very powerful woman considering the decision you just made.

As you recover, your brain will begin to rewire. I know mine sure is. M'lady and I have had some serious conversation about that. I've told her that she may not like some of the changes coming. She may find the "real me," the sober me, a little difficult to get used to. A guy that not only loves her, but loves himself as well.

Also, I've said a few things lately to M'lady that I flat out didn't mean. It was the "willies" talking and not me. It scared me and her. I apologized over and over. She said she didn't "understand." I said, "Thank god for that!" That's why I am here, for people who understand. I told her that I don't expect her to understand. What I want, what I really want is her ACCEPTANCE. Of me and the work I'm trying to do for me. I'm not doing it for her, or for my kids, but for me. And if I am successful there is going to be a far better me to love. And that is the best of all possible outcomes.

I am gifted with my family (even my ex has been calling and supportive) and my Love. It makes it so much easier. I hope that somehow, you can enjoy that gift.

You go, girl!

warrens

[GoldenGirl]

Hey Toomuch,
Just wanted to echo all that has been said. I'm so glad that this forum is here. My partner has been wonderful but still can't really understand.
Warrens your description of the family dynamics was spot on!!!
Toomuch just be gentle on yourself...somehow getting to the place of acceptance that people WON'T understand can be helpful. It's like you can give them some grace about that...but still come here and vent the frustration and rage that they don't! We have to be the ones that sort out our boundaries.
This is all new to me, I'm on day 7,
Take care,
GG

Ps Matt..hope you are doing okay today

[Dee74]

Dee, I'm looking an feeling .a lot like your avatar today

ME TOO! LOL

And being a man, I empathise with wanting to 'fix' someone I love who's in pain...been there, done that...a few times (and not usually very well).

I get it now tho - from both sides of the fence - the only one who can fix you...is you.

There are other important supportive roles to play tho - I hope Hubby works that out soon enough, too

D