For Those With Less than 2 weeks Sober Part 2

[SF69]

Welcome to SR Jim11. This is a really great site to aid with recovery. Congrats on your 4 days, and keep posting!

[timeforchange]

day 6 for me...I dont remember the last time I've gone 6 days without a drink.

[hope45]

Day 5 for me. Other than my two pregnancies it's probably been 25 years since I went this long without a drink. This rocks! Congratulations everyone and thanks so much. I could not have done this without you.

[Stormy1119]

Day 5...or is it six. I guess I should just count it as 5 since I was still drinking from Saturday night until the wee morning hours of Sunday.

This is where the hard part for me begins. I'm normally just a weekend drunk (thursday- sunday). Last night was hard, and I felt like crap... started thinking through a bunch of things, and I'm dangerous when I think.

I have thoughts I want to post, but I've got a lot to do today.. so I'lll post tonight.

[SF69]

Stormy, I had a similar drinking pattern. Yeah, the first couple of weekends were tough just breaking the old habits. I did whatever I could just to keep busy. Then at night when I normally would go out to a bar, I went to AA meetings.

Good job with your five days. Hang in there, it gets better.

[tesquizito]

day 17. 9am-3am workday, wasn't that fun.

I spent a chunk of time in my studio. I have an impressive video studio (my side company), although for the last handful of years I've been doing *just enough* to get by, since I was usually hammered.

Tonight I was in the studio sober for a change, no fog, not sloppy...I was pretty damn productive today. I realize I have some really cool toys I've been neglecting, at least I have plenty of stuff to keep me busy!

[Negative Man]

Hey Everybody. Keep up the great work. I'm a graduate of this board, and I'm on day 40 today. Keep at it one day at a time. -- NM

[tesquizito]

Okay well I messed up. Sunday morning my wife went out and I made a trip to the liquor store. I could have called someone, I could have come on SR, but my bad inner voice convinced me I needed it...I deserved it.

I'm not so hungover or trashed as I am disappointed, because I had a false sense of security in my 17 days. I feel like I fell through a crack on thin ice. It would be so *easy* to go back to regular drinking. That's what I know. 24 hours ago I was espousing the virtues of sobriety, and in a hot second my mind flipped a switch.

I thought I was being sneaky by drinking out of a coffee cup. My wife's not stupid, and she called me on it when she got back. She never chastises me, but she does point it out just as a matter of fact. I never hide drinking in my house, so the fact that I tried to be sneaky scares me.

I just hope I can learn from this. No matter what I have a busy and hectic lifestyle. I will be in situations again where I will want to reward myself with a drink. At this moment, I don't feel the resolve, the urgency to keep sobriety like I did just a day ago. I'll get my butt back to an AA meeting and start over.

[tesquizito]

I feel a little better. I hit up an AA meeting during lunch today. Felt a little bit like being on the outside looking in, but it was good I went.

I'll read a little bit more of the big book tonight. I'm struggling a little bit because of the "powerless" core belief. I like to think I'm "powerful" to beat this...just how I am I guess. I've been reading some SMART literature too, it sounds interesting, but I know I need more than 1 meeting a week.

This will be another hectic week. Yet another dental appt, and straight after that I'm going to the local University to critique a portfolio review (design and marketing graduating students). Then I have to wake up in the wee morning and get to a client's office for a conference with Israel. Ugh.

[supernothing]

Day 4 here (again) starting to feel loads better and have much more energy and i actually got some sleep last night too.

[warrens]

Tequizito

The "powerless" conundrum was my Achille's heel during round one of sobriety. Because of it, I got knocked out in the fifth round. It led me to think that I was somehow "normal," and after a few years of sobriety, I returned to controlled drinking in order to enjoy my new relationship.

Worked for a while. Slowly, I fell into old habits and rituals. Like drinking out of a coffee cup.

I have but 7 weeks this time around. But something is fundamentally different. Things are far simpler now. Intelectually and spritually. My "epiphany" took a DUI to induce. Even though it was induced by a deep personal tragedy, I realized, for the first time that I was indeed powerless.

Free will is a core concept in any branch of philosophy and spiritual path. all religions address it, I think. It is very dificult for a Western male to accept that he lacks free will. Perhaps Eastern as well-I'm just less familiar.

Have I made choices? Sure! mke 'em every second of the day. I made a choice to write this. A sane choice, I think.

And that is what I've come across. Free will +sanity=success in most endeavors. Most of us have a concept of insanity that we can picture. An "insane" person who is easily picked out on a crowded street. A person who's behavior defies that which is "acceptable."

But is THAT the only form of insanity? What if your broker told you to buy 1,000 shares of Bear Stearns today? And you did it? Would that be insane?

Just who IS our broker? Something told me that driving under the influence was negotiable. Something told you that drinking out of a coffee cup was negotiable. Is it in hindsight?

What is different for me this time, is that my sane mind tells me that Warren+alcohol=insanity. One drink and I may or may not be able to exercise free will. Experience tells me that I won't.

A legless man accepts that he may not be able to do a lot of things "normally." It surprises no one that he doesn't go out and buy a pair of water skis. It's just life and his isn't "normal." It would be rather insane for him to buy water skis and think that somehow, it might fulfill a neeed.

Are you normal? As they say, go out and test your hypothesis. Go out and spend $1,000 on the finest alcohol. Put it in the cabinet and keep it for "special occasions." "Normal" people can do that. Of course normal people don't drink single malt from a coffee cup, either. And they don't drive drunk.

So, I am finally at peace with the "powerless" thing. I've decided that I may not be powerless TO drink, but I am powerless WHEN I drink. Weird sh*t happens. I never have ONE beer. I will do and say things that contradict my "free will." I will hurt those I love dearly. I will be dishonest to myself and others. I will hide and deceive. WTF? And I'm a guy who would return your cash laden wallet untouched if I found it. Something is amiss, here. Sanity, perhaps?

So, I've completed my first step. Five years after I thought I had. Had a talk with god. God made it simple enough for even me to understand. I'm legless in the face of this demon. I surrender. I'll play chess instead of terminally trying to water ski.

It's funny. The "first time" I suffered great grief from not being "normal." I enjoyed fine wine and beer. It was as though I'd lost my legs and felt deprived. This time is different. I feel no loss, but gain! I've regained both my sanity and free will. I simply choose not to drink and suffer the predictable loss of sanity. I try to live in a world where fermentation hasn't been discovered yet. I'm sure in a hundred years there will be some cool drugs around. But I don't miss 'em. I can't miss what doesn't exist.

I am no AA proselytizer. Whatever works, works. But I have come to the conclusion that no one will ever recover if they think that they retain "power" or free will when alcohol is in their system. It is why I have never tried heroin. I just haven't. It always seemed to me to be a sure ticket to enslavement. I'm sure it is a great high. But, I discvovered that the only difference between heroin and alcohol, to this alcoholic, is that alcohol is legal, socially acceptable, and encouraged. If I'd even dreamed 40 years ago, that one drink would lead to a heroin-like addiction, my 20 year old self would have run, instead of becoming legless. Your mileage may vary, Tesquizito; perhaps you may still be "normal." That's the good thing about continuing to try and control (via power) drinking. It is guaranteed that we will find out.

Peace

warren

[mattcake79]

Okay, day 1. April Fool's day. Seems fitting!

[tesquizito]

Thanks Warren, your words make a lot of sense and step 1 is a lot easier to digest in those terms.

Am I normal? Probably not, because very many of the stupid things confessed at meetings and on this board I can relate to, "Oh yeah, I've done that."

A few years ago, my wife and I received a few bottles of very fine champagne at our engagement party. I killed them all one night when I ran out of alcohol. Ouch!

Well, I'm feeling pretty good again. Just finished day one (again), looking forward to tomorrow.

[honeybunny]

Just starting day 2, don't feel any desire to drink. The real test is going to be the weekend, because I know I can't go out without drinking. Just going to have to find myself lots of healthy passtimes instead. Feeling positive.

[GreatEscape]

So - Day 4! Yesterday was the pits for cravings, plus the symptoms of withdrawal seemed a lot worse. Just couldn't sleep last night, had palpitations, and still feel like I have a hangover. But hey - I made it through - and am feeling very thankful this morning. Looking forward to Day 4. Good luck to everyone out there doing the same.

Great Escape

[least]

Day four for me too, and I'm pleased with my progress this time. Yesterday I bought a bottle of wine but when I got home and opened it, I was ashamed of myself and I then poured it down the sink! That's progress!!

[supernothing]

GOD I have lost count of the amount of times ive poured myself a drink and then chucked it over the last four years.
Had to sit and watch the other half neck cider last night which wasnt easy, so i just went upstairs and sulked, generelly feeling sorry for myself.
Day five for me now though , so i didnt break, feeling totally manic, up one minute and down on the floor the next.
Planning an hours running later as that always lifts my moods, great to hear how everyone else is fairing, heres praying we all make it out this thread and never return.