I just slipped

[badhabits]

It was like a robot, going to the alcohol "left" in the house. Yes it was partly my fault, for not dumping the last 1/2 box of wine. But, it was a crutch. Sorta like something you keep in your back pocket.

And I used it.


Part of me feels ashamed, part of me doesn't care.

Clairity is such a pain in the butt.

I can't do meetings, most are God related (and I will grow a second nose before I believe in God).
The second part of that, I'm as social as a snake. I don't "do" people".
I can't talk to others, I can't relate to others, I am 100% uncomfortable around people.

I don't want to keep on this road..How can I move on?

[parentrecovers]

thanks for reaching out, bh.

do you have health insurance that might provide one on one counseling?

support to you, k

[51anna]

Hi Badhabits,

Getting rid of all the alcohol in the house was definitely a good idea for me. Even now, we never have alcohol in our home. It's something I never have to think about.

I'm not an AA person, but I have reconnected with my spiritual side since I began recovery. I have found that books have helped me tremendously. Whatever path you choose, know that you can do this.

[Aysha]

Keeping your DOC around when trying to stop would be an excuse or a reason not a crutch for me.
Definately get rid of it all before hand.
I dont really do people either.....Except my family.
But I found if you do find just one person that you feel comfortable around. And you open up one time. It gets so much easier from then on.
Good Luck

[Astro]

Originally Posted by chiynita

I dont really do people either.....Except my family.
But I found if you do find just one person that you feel comfortable around. And you open up one time. It gets so much easier from then on.

Amen, Trish! Good to hear you say that.

Slip= Sobriety Loses Its Priority

I try to remember daily that no matter what temptations life throws my way, I always have the willingness to take the action required to stay sober. It's worked for almost 3 years, one day at a time.

[Emimily]

you are who you are and you do what you do and you're an alcoholic who wants to change.

change isn't easy. it's not comfortable, it's not fun. it's hard work. you've got to be willing to change, 1st and foremost. because, as stupid as it may sound, nothing changes if nothing changes. change is a process... it's not going to happen overnight. but, if you're honest, open-minded, and willing, you will change. if you want to stay the same person and just not drink, well... i don't know what to tell you. i couldn't stay the same and not need to get drunk. i needed to change, even if that meant believing in something i didn't think i could, or being around people that made me uncomfortable... if i was willing, then why not?

but, that's just my opinion. best of luck on your journey.

[Jomey]

Hey BH- I am looking at your post and thinking about what has led you not to believe in God and what has led you to not be a "people person". Your post reads like you don't want to believe and you don't want to like people...that's ok, IF (big if) you can also recover. But if you have these issues, and you find you can't recover with them in place, then you have to change, no matter how hard it is. I am not able to give you any magic words of wisdom, but I can just tell you that I have changed immensely in the short time I have been sober...sometimes willingly, sometimes grudgingly, but changed I have. And I am sober and better for it.

Wish there was more to say, but it's mainly your call. We're here for you -J

[Rob B]

Originally Posted by badhabits

I don't want to keep on this road..How can I move on?

Keep doing what you are doing. Alcohol is a great persuader. It allowed me to lay aside all I thought I knew about myself, AA, and yes, even God.
You will find some great support here on SR. I am beyond human aid, which means I have to find a power greater than myself, I submit,that by virtue of your request for help here, you already believe in a power greater than yourself. This is all that is needed to make a start. I sincerely hope you find a path that will set you free from the hell that is active alcoholism.

[Alive]

Coming here and wanting to make a change is such a big step..I congratulate you on that...you know better, you'll do better know..

stay strong

[badhabits]

I feel beyond like crap for what I did. But honestly (as I can't open up elsewhere), I feel like myself again.
I know that sounds stupid. I know I was feeling better "health-wise", but from what I've known for so very long....this is me.

How hard is it to change who you are?

I mean.... the whole world knows another person. A "face".

I've never prided myself on being a fake. But that is me.
I hate to think my life is a big lie. Maybe it is?


I really want to change. I don't know where to start. I awoke yelling this morning. My wife didnt' know what to think. After a week, she still not knowing...

I guess, I'm a big shi*!
The one I love the most I can't tell my biggest problem to.

*laugh*
I have so many people who rely on me.

This fact almost killed me 3 years ago when my wife had an affair. Was on the verge then of killing myself. That is long past now.

Her, my kids, my job, my family + assorted critters.

It was too much. still is.

sorry...I keep churning out crap w/out a point.

I hate to make excuses. That isn't me.

I know moderation isn't an option...

[mike_mass]

Originally Posted by badhabits

I can't do meetings, most are God related (and I will grow a second nose before I believe in God).

There are also secular groups...just not a whole lot of them.

[Alive]

Hey friend...

Don't beat yourself like that..Remember alcoholism is a disease...Remember that the only way your true self, that you are speaking of, may come out is trough sobriety. i've had addictive behavior and what i can tell you is that it does take a complete change. Many things will go, but the real things, and the real people will stay. The ones that love you will keep loving you in sobriety...

And i do understand that sometimes as adults we are forced to think we can't fail. You are human. People have to be aware of that and respect you for that... Even tough the society might not be ready to accept people as they are i believe it's our choice to live according to our own truth... it's the most freeing thing i have ever felt..

stay strong

[Jomey]

Karim is right, BH. Don't be so hard on yourself. Ok, you drank. What amount of dwelling on it (the past) is going to change your future in a positive way? None, so you are going to have to find a way to forgive yourself and move on.

If you choose to make the change to become sober, alot of the other changes will follow naturally. Gotta run -someone at the door - sorry to be so abrupt- will check back in with you later.

Take care

[ccirider]

Originally Posted by badhabits

It was like a robot, going to the alcohol "left" in the house. Yes it was partly my fault, for not dumping the last 1/2 box of wine. But, it was a crutch. Sorta like something you keep in your back pocket.

And I used it.


Part of me feels ashamed, part of me doesn't care.

Clairity is such a pain in the butt.

Hi BH:

Either you feel ashamed or you don't; either you care or you don't. Are not these two feelings mutually exclusive? If you feel ashamed, it means you care. If you don't feel ashamed, it means you don't care.

Clarity may be a pain in the butt, but so is addiction.

Originally Posted by badhabits

I can't do meetings, most are God related (and I will grow a second nose before I believe in God).
The second part of that, I'm as social as a snake. I don't "do" people".
I can't talk to others, I can't relate to others, I am 100% uncomfortable around people.

I don't want to keep on this road..How can I move on?

I don't do AA or meetings, but I do read a lot. I don't think that I could have gotten to where I am today without reading and processing what others had to say to me. Their feedback has been invaluable to me, but nobody can fix me, except me. Nobody can see me, for me, not even God.

I can empathize with your lack of belief in God. How can someone believe in an all-loving God, who has the power to prevent pain and suffering, yet he does nothing to stop it? If your grandchild were living with alcoholic parents, wouldn't you do everything in your power to get that child out of that situation? Yet this all-loving God, who is supposed to care about our pain and suffering, watches that same child suffer every day. As an addict or codependent, why should I pray to this God (if he does exist) to help me, when all the evidence leads me to believe that he doesn't care? Theodicy tries to explain the problem of evil in the world, but making explanations for somebody else isn't an easy task, and since God isn't talking to us, that is all we have.

Despite all of the aforementioned, I took a leap of faith. My ship was sinking, and I had every reason in the world to believe that I would perish. I was at a crossroads. Either I have hope, or I will fall into despair. Since despair wasn't an option for me, I had to take a leap of faith and believe that there was someone out there who did care.

Atheist addicts could argue that taking a leap of faith is an irrational act; therefore, they would never believe in a God and many atheists do choose a rational approach to recovery. However, I just don't think that science and reason can solve all of humanity's problems.

Peace.

[badhabits]

Thank you all for your support!!! From my heart

ccirider:

Everything I read and hear, A-Addiction requires help from a god to heal. That makes no sense to me. Okay...I'm one of 10% who is an alcoholic. That was tough to even type!.
I can take that step.

Okay...I have a problem. That too is a hard step to take.

The bottom line.....

It is MY responability to solve my problem.

I'm not a people person. hell I can't hardly talk to my wife unless I'm sober (I talked to her more this week than in 10 years).


When faced w/ people who are religious I want to slap them.
DON"T YOU SEE THAT SCIENCE HAS PROVEN GOD DOESN'T EXIST.

God is not a god of gaps in science.

I can't pray to win the Lotto...why pray to get sober?


Okay no secular help...but still where am I?

I need to help myself...I just don't know how...

I do need help....No BS. I know this.


What do I do

what do I do day to day


I am trying...

d

[Pinkcuda]

Try not confusing God with religion. Religion is usually the promise of an afterlife. God helps you with life as it is right now. Let someone else talk about Jesus dying for our sins and Noahs ark full of animals. That's not what this is all about.
This is about the choices that God gave you the ability to make them. The ability to think beyond the moment is unique to man. We're the only species on this planet that has the ability to think about tomorrow. Is that even possible without God? We're the only species to allow emotions run our lives while all other species on the planet use instinct and instinct only. Is that possible without a God of some sort?
Faith is the act of believing in something you can't see or prove. Faith is what keeps us going in almost every aspect of our lives. Without faith a man will perish and so will his family. That's not just faith in God but faith in all of life. I'm sitting here at work because I have faith that my check will come every friday, I have faith that my house will still be there when I go home too. If I didn't have that kind of faith, where would I be? When self reliance fails over and over maybe it's time to try something else. Faith in a higher power isn't that hard to muster up.

[Dee74]

If you don't want to, or can't, believe in God then don't.

I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in a power greater than myself, because if I'm all there is, we're in a bad way LOL.

I found a power greater than myself here in all these great people on SR - I hear tell you can do that in AA too.

Don't let obstacles or excuses stop you - if you really want it, nothing is more important than sobriety.

D

[IO Storm]

Hey badhabits

I don't know when I crossed the line from just a "bad habit" with alcohol to full

blown alcoholism..but it seems it was immediate..drinking in the morning after

I started a the age of 34..a teetotaler before then. Changing was hard for me.

I relapsed 6 times....and am trying and doing well ..again.

As Em said..." it's not comfortable, it's not fun. it's hard work"....

first...detox...then the hard, hard work of changing your thinking..

for me the most important part of recovery...my brain has had to undergo a

total rewiring and is still in the process.

Whatever it takes for you to succeed....there are many programs available..

If you are serious about overcoming your "habit" or if you believe you have

this disease addiction as I have...never give up until you get the help you

need.

This place offers tremendous support...as do the programs you may find.

My best to you!

IO

[Need4Change]

Thats EXACTLY how I am!. My "alcohol programmed" brain say's "ME WANT DRINK!!" and like a robot, I automatically go for the first frosty I can get my hands on - even though the previous day I swore I'd never drink again. This is an insane disease with so many facets and ways of tricking/deceiving us.

Need4Change

[Dee74]

This is so not the place to discuss Christianity, Bad Habits.

You want help ? great.
got a barrow to push ? push it somewhere else.

D

[badhabits]

Respectfully Dee74:

every time I try to talk about my problem outside of this place (at an AA meeting).
I keep getting thrown in my face GOD.
I DON'T DO GOD!
GOD Isn't the issue here.. a chemical/mental problem is.
I requires emotional support I don't have at home.

on my knees...
I NEED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.

I can't get it else where.

I can't without being nasty goto an AA meeting....I'm not trying to be nasty.

This is me...
This is me begging for support and help....help in this forum....
Me knowing that I can't get help elsewhere. Knowing I won't get it elsewere.


I have to do this as much as possible on my own...

I am that proud...
But I have the big of a problem


Sorry if I'm terse....sorry if I'm crass


I am what I am......


sorry if I offend...
it's just my POV...

[Dee74]

believe what you want to believe, brother - I'm not a churchgoer, I'm not an evangelist - but I do spark up when I see anyone ridicule someone else's beliefs here - whether it's Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Mormon, or Trekkie...this really is not the forum.

if it's not about God then why do keep mentioning God ?

No-one's gonna shove God down your throat here - least of all me LOL.
relax.

D

[IO Storm]

Okay...

bad..you've still got alcohol in your system...we'll all calm down a bit too...

it's real rough the first day...most of us have had a thousand of those...

not a terrific time to talk about theology....

[ccirider]

Originally Posted by badhabits

Respectfully Dee74:

every time I try to talk about my problem outside of this place (at an AA meeting).
I keep getting thrown in my face GOD.
I DON'T DO GOD!
GOD Isn't the issue here..

Hi BH:

If you want to solve your problem, you are going to have to peel back the layers of the onion and get in touch with your emotions. There is a lot going on under the surface here, especially when it comes to religion and God. You don't have to believe, BH, but it's almost as if you have a codependency problem here. Yes, there are some crazy religious people running around, but I don't think that you are going to find them here. I am a Muslim, so tell me about crazy religious people. I had to learn to detach myself from their craziness, and I would suggest that you do the same if you want to have any hope of obtaining serenity.

You have more problems here than just drinking alcohol, and if you don't look at those other problems, you are not going to be able to heal BH.

Peace.

[ccirider]

Originally Posted by badhabits

GOD Isn't the issue here.. a chemical/mental problem is.
I requires emotional support I don't have at home.

on my knees...
I NEED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.

I can't get it else where.

As long as you don't give up on yourself, nobody here is going to give up on you. We accept you just the way you are.

Originally Posted by badhabits

I can't without being nasty goto an AA meeting....I'm not trying to be nasty.

This is me...

Many people go to AA meetings and then decide that it's not for them. How is being nasty at the meeting supposed to help you with your recovery? Your recovery should be your number 1 priority, regardless of what path you choose to follow for recovery.

Originally Posted by badhabits

This is me begging for support and help....help in this forum....
Me knowing that I can't get help elsewhere. Knowing I won't get it elsewere.
I have to do this as much as possible on my own...
I am that proud...
But I have the big of a problem.

You do have a big problem, and the fact that you are reaching out here for help shows you that you can't do it alone. You need help from a higher power than yourself, even if it is just this forum. No one preaches religion here, so don't worry. :preach The focus is on recovery, working on our addictive personalities, responding to those who reach out for help, and hopefully finding peace of mind in the process.

Originally Posted by badhabits

Sorry if I'm terse....sorry if I'm crass
I am what I am......
sorry if I offend...
it's just my POV...

Don't worry about it BH. You have a lot of things going on in your life right now, and we understand where you are. Welcome to SR, and please keep us updated. Let us know what is going on in your life and how you are feeling. You need a place where you can sort out your feelings instead of numbing them with alcohol. Welcome, and I wish you the best of luck in your journey no matter what path you decide to take in your recovery. All of us here are not going down the same path for recovery, but we are all here for each other and we are here for you too.

Peace.