introduction & my story - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

aldo1980 · 09-26-2007, 09:42 AM

Hi Friends! As this is my first post I'd better introduce myself: So hello, my name's Aldous, male, 26 years old, and I am defiantly an alcoholic.
I don't know if this is the correct area in which to post, but I'd like to share the short version of story of my rollercoaster ride with you. I could tell the full version but the details are irrelevant. I’m sure not many of us are not strangers to the effects of alcohol, and the crazy things one ends up doing under the influence!
I started drinking - and by drinking I don't mean just a glass or two at meals - about 12 years ago, when I was about 15. in fact, to be honest, I had my first drinking session when I was about 13, but after that for a few years the opportunity to drink didn't arise again. After my first experimentations I believed I'd never felt better.
I'm a shy and reserved person by nature, but when I drink I become very talkative and I think I become friendly too, but no doubt others would probably disagree with the latter statement.
I continued drinking until I was 20. I don't think a single day passed that I wasn't intoxicated.
By then I knew I had a problem. I was getting drunk 3 times a day; I was loosing massive amounts of money gambling; and I lost my few friends too. The only people who'd hang around me were either the vampires I'd play cards with or my drinking "buddies", who were most likely just hanging around waiting for free drinks or a free meal.
I then stopped for 6 and half years

. They were very good years. I made new friends. I started studying again for a while (I didn't succeed). I bought my dream car. I got a serious girlfriend. I learnt to play guitar. I lost allot of weight. I rented an apartment and went to live alone. I'd even stopped smoking. All summed up I was happy and satisfied with life.
A few years ago I befriended a pharmacist in order to get more benzodiazipines, which I'd originally been prescribed for my anxiety. Needless to say I soon become addicted to them and within no time I was on about 15 to 20 times the prescribed dose. I don't in any way favour medication abuse, but I have to say it was ok for a while. Until I became like a zombie.
7 months ago I broke up with my girl friend, after a few years we'd been together. I was very upset. Soon I resumed drinking again and subsequently I went on a major benzo+alcohol binge for a few months.
Looking back it's been grotesquely amazing what I managed to destroy such a relatively short period of time: I lost all my friends; I totalled my car; I spent all my money; I inflicted deliberate physical harm upon myself; I ended up in the E.R. room (or whatever it's called nowadays) two times within 3 months; I started smoking again; I threw a few guitars (I'm kind of into Rock. the guitar thing was something I figured somebody like Ozzy might do so I somehow thought it would be kool, even at the expense of destroying a guitar I couldn't afford to replace) and various objects out my window; I wasted an enormous amount of money; one night I even O.D. on benzos as I'd been taking them with alcohol. The list goes on, but I wouldn't want to bore you.
In the meantime, I somehow managed to quit my benzo addiction. I saw a shrink for a few sessions too. and in the relatively rare hours when I was sober I even made a connection with God (as I understand him in my own way).
At one point things even looked like they were going to get better: I got a job in another country so I wouldn't have to associate with my old friends and hang out in my drinking haunts. Although I must admit I quit that job after just 3 weeks and came home.
I then didn't drink for a further 2 weeks or so (total approx 5 weeks) but it continued to be ok for a while. I got a new girlfriend, but it quickly didn't work out. However she's a good supportive friend to me now, even though on a few occasions I'd called her at like 4am yelling at her and telling her obscenities.
Eventually my old girlfriend came back. We hadn't seen each other in almost 6 months, but we used to talk almost every day. When she came back it felt as if we'd never been apart (intended in a positive way that is). Nevertheless she only hung around for a few days before packing her bags again. However let me say that for the few days during which we had our reprise I kept sober. I didn't want to drink at all. In fact we were even trying to quit smoking together.
I sincerely believe it wasn't because of the alcohol that she left again, I’d always kept my word to her that for any duration of time that our relationship was going I’d not have had a drop (In fact I have to give her the credit she deserves, as many a times while our relationship was on I’d been on the edge but she’d always somehow managed to convince me to hang on). She went back to her other guy. The bloke she'd left me for and then in turn left him again to return to me, only to ultimately return to him yet again. Maybe it's because he has a regular steddy job. I haven’t seen or even heard from her since and I don’t know how to contact her.
It was only a matter of hours after she'd disappeared through the door, baggage in hand, before I ended up in one of my drinking joints. For the next month I was in a perpetual state of alcohol influenced oblivion, until 3 nights ago.
I'd had a bad day. I'd realized I was at rock bottom: no friends; no job; no nice car; no money. so I took to the bottle - for the last time. That night after having crashed my old jalopy car into a wall and having returned home in one piece, to continue drinking, I eventually ended up in the E.R. room, yet again. I'd had a fall (had I have fallen 2 feet before I would have almost certainly broke my neck!) and had broken a finger. it hurt so bad I seem to remember sobering up very quickly, even though the order of events of that night still aren't too clear, there are many fragments all mixed up. However I take it that the doctors and nurses don't sympathise with drunks. They certainly weren't very nice to me.
I woke up the following morning somehow realizing that things were way out of control. Not that I hadn't noticed before, of course!
In fact many times during the past 6 or 7 months I'd tried to not drink. I'd even been emailed a link to this forum among others, from a friend. I didn't really even take a proper look at it, let alone sign up.
After 6 and a half years of being on the wagon I thought maybe I could just drink "socially", like the vast majority of people do. Plus I guess that as I didn't think I was causing anybody any harm it would be ok to do so, which needless to say was a big denial of the problem.
Today, after just having a "final warning" from my landlord that the next time one of my neighbours complains about the broken empty bottels or guitars in the compound beneath my windows or if anybody complains of any disturbances I'll be kicked out, zero tollerance this time. She's a nice lady, never had I seen her as mad as she was today. I felt so bad. I didn't even have any memories of throwing any bottels out my window the other night. No do I recall having made a racket because of the pain from my busted finger.
So I thought it was time to check out this forum.
And so here I am now: no friends (I live in a tiny town, where by now everybody knows what antics I get up to, and where even at the best of times it's near impossible to make meaningful friendships no matter how hard you try); no money; absolutely no car; no girl; no job; yet again a ruined reputation; and a broken finger.

Today will be my 3rd sober day (I have to admit that after having been used to telling people "I don't drink at all. it's been 6 and a half years now" saying "I'm on day 3" doesn't feel like a big deal) There aren't any Al-Anon/Narc-Anon meetings held anywhere near me, so I've always dealt with my problems alone.
This time I know it won't work alone, so I hope that possibly with your help and support we can get me fixed.

aldo1980 · 09-26-2007, 10:12 AM

**best** · 09-26-2007, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aldo1980

There aren't any Al-Anon/Narc-Anon meetings held anywhere near me, so I've always dealt with my problems alone.

Welcome to SR Aldo.

If there were no bars or stores near you and you wanted a drink....what would you do?
You would find a way to get cross town. We can do the same to locate meetings as well. AA and NA meetings are a great source of support. We can gather the tools and experiences of others to help us stay sober at such meetings.

Continue trying it alone but why work hard when we can work smart? With the support and input from others, it is easier to get the job done.

You are making a good choice. You can do it. A sober way of life I have found to be a great way of life. Good choice on your part.

**Rowan** · 09-26-2007, 10:16 AM

Welcome to Sober Recovery, Aldous

aldo1980 · 09-26-2007, 10:16 AM

Thank you for the advice BEST, it's greatly appriciated.
However it's not a question of getting across town, it's more like a 2 hour round trip. And to be honest even if I had a car up to the journey I can't really afford the fuel at the moment while I don't have a job or anything.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 09-26-2007, 10:26 AM

Hi Aldo,

I'm glad that you are here. First few weeks are rough, but you know that. Hang in there. You can do this!

Karen

**best** · 09-26-2007, 10:29 AM

I understand the fuel issue well. What we tend to do as alcoholics is make up excuses and put off doing what we should from time to time. Excuses are alcohols way of holding onto us. Think on that every time an excuse comes to mind and take control of the situation by saying no. One day at a time we say no. One moment at a time if need be we say no. Just for today I will not drink. Tomorrow I will deal with when tomorrow gets here. When tomorrow gets here I hope to be saying...just for today I will not drink.

You may or maynot get back that girlfriend but you will be able to gain back things that you enjoy. Maybe a new car one day. Maybe a different and even nicer girlfriend.
I have found that by not drinking I have much more options available to me and when I wake up in the mornings...no hangover and I remember how much fun I had the day before.. Yes a sober life I am finding is good.

parentrecovers · 09-26-2007, 10:30 AM

nice to meet you, aldo - keep posting! blessings, k

Hevyn · 09-26-2007, 10:36 AM

Aldo, you are coming to this conclusion at a young age (though I know you feel old, you've been through so much already). If you care to read the other stuff I've posted - don't want to bore you by repeating it - you'll see I am decades older than you and wish with all my heart I could have had the sense you do. There is much humor and intelligence in your post, you obviously have so much going for you. If I had done as you're doing, I would not be without a driver's license, would not have ruined relationships with my family, would not have serious health issues, on and on it goes! My husband (& drinking buddy) died 2 years ago, never would admit it was killing him or get help. This does not have to be you! It will be hard and almost impossible at times, but you can do it, and posting on here is a great substitute for AA meetings, in my opinion. There was a discussion on here recently about whether or not we can get sober without AA, and it was a good one - many good points on both sides were brought up.

You never have to go through all the pain and tragedy that many of us older people have - you can stop this now, and you have a long life yet ahead of you to enjoy without that poison. You can turn it all around. (I've heard there are online AA meetings but never took part in one.) Sending love & hope out to you! P.S. I don't think you need that sort of a fair-weather girlfriend. You need stability.

aldo1980 · 09-26-2007, 10:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by merlotmamma

Hi Aldo,

I'm glad that you are here. First few weeks are rough, but you know that. Hang in there. You can do this!

Karen

Yea, I know it can be done. It's just not easy.
I would have really liked a few wee drinks today, but being yelled at by my landlord made me think twice about that.
Now I'm not looking for an excuse, but I live in a really remote place where their's not much to do in terms of entertainment and it's very difficult to make friends (I'm not very good at doing that) and I'm unemployed and I get bored very easily (I like to claim I have A.D.D. but I don't really know for sure). So drinking for me was my hobby. It would get me out, allow me to "socialize". Isolation's dangerous.
Now, if I want to stay on the wagon, rather then go out for a coffee (what's that!) I prefer to stay alone at home, and only go out when it's really essential (groceries, bills to pay, etc ect) I drank allot of coffees during my 6 and half years and I did kinda get used to it. It wasn't bad, but I often had the feeling I was diffrent and people were asking themselves what I was doing going to the same places half dozen times a day for coffees. Not that I was paranoid about it, but kinda embaressed sometimes.
I don't really know what to do, or how to associate without the drink. I didn't usually drink everyday, it was more of a 3 to 5 times a week event. And sometimes I could go quite a few days without any drinks, and on the odd occasion even a few weeks if I really wanted.
When I did drink I didn't just have a few. For me it's always none or so many that I can't remember. Not that it was a choice I'd make but it's just the way it would go - even when I sometimes tried to set myself a limit (like 1 or 3 or 5) it would all go wrong.
Neither do I have any friends who I could ask around to watch a movie or eat a pizza with. I don't really even have any friends who I could call and say like "I'm having a bad day, can we talk". I'm kinda lonely

Thank God I found this site.
Thanks to all of you!

aldo1980 · 09-26-2007, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by best

You may or maynot get back that girlfriend

I sincearly have already decided I wouldn't take her back this time if the opportunity were to arise.
She's already hurt my feelings a couple of times. I wouldn't want to risk on her again.
The thing is she was my best friend too, so I really miss her.

But no doubt there are other things to look forward too, and as far as girls go maybe someday I'll be lucky enough to meet an even nicer person who might not hurt my feelings.
Thanks to all of you. You're all really great people!

**best** · 09-26-2007, 11:17 AM

Aldo

Some reading that may help you find some answers...

Look over the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the top of each forum. You may find a few helpful answers among them.

aldo1980 · 09-26-2007, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by best

Look over the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the top of each forum. You may find a few helpful answers among them.

Thanks, I will do - and that's not an excuse!

jinxblu · 09-26-2007, 12:16 PM

Welcome to SR!!! It's a great place and has been a tremendous help to me in my (still early) days of sobriety. I personally could not have done it without full participation in AA. I believe they have meetings on-line if you can't physically get to one. Anyway....keep posting and congrats on your 3 days!!!!!!!

cofusedindenver · 09-26-2007, 04:47 PM

Alcoholism is called the lonely disease..... I can relate to your lonliness.. I've been there and still am.....

09-26-2007, 09:42 AM	#1 (permalink)
aldo1980 Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Italy Posts: 708	introduction & my story Hi Friends! As this is my first post I'd better introduce myself: So hello, my name's Aldous, male, 26 years old, and I am defiantly an alcoholic. I don't know if this is the correct area in which to post, but I'd like to share the short version of story of my rollercoaster ride with you. I could tell the full version but the details are irrelevant. I’m sure not many of us are not strangers to the effects of alcohol, and the crazy things one ends up doing under the influence! I started drinking - and by drinking I don't mean just a glass or two at meals - about 12 years ago, when I was about 15. in fact, to be honest, I had my first drinking session when I was about 13, but after that for a few years the opportunity to drink didn't arise again. After my first experimentations I believed I'd never felt better. I'm a shy and reserved person by nature, but when I drink I become very talkative and I think I become friendly too, but no doubt others would probably disagree with the latter statement. I continued drinking until I was 20. I don't think a single day passed that I wasn't intoxicated. By then I knew I had a problem. I was getting drunk 3 times a day; I was loosing massive amounts of money gambling; and I lost my few friends too. The only people who'd hang around me were either the vampires I'd play cards with or my drinking "buddies", who were most likely just hanging around waiting for free drinks or a free meal. I then stopped for 6 and half years. They were very good years. I made new friends. I started studying again for a while (I didn't succeed). I bought my dream car. I got a serious girlfriend. I learnt to play guitar. I lost allot of weight. I rented an apartment and went to live alone. I'd even stopped smoking. All summed up I was happy and satisfied with life. A few years ago I befriended a pharmacist in order to get more benzodiazipines, which I'd originally been prescribed for my anxiety. Needless to say I soon become addicted to them and within no time I was on about 15 to 20 times the prescribed dose. I don't in any way favour medication abuse, but I have to say it was ok for a while. Until I became like a zombie. 7 months ago I broke up with my girl friend, after a few years we'd been together. I was very upset. Soon I resumed drinking again and subsequently I went on a major benzo+alcohol binge for a few months. Looking back it's been grotesquely amazing what I managed to destroy such a relatively short period of time: I lost all my friends; I totalled my car; I spent all my money; I inflicted deliberate physical harm upon myself; I ended up in the E.R. room (or whatever it's called nowadays) two times within 3 months; I started smoking again; I threw a few guitars (I'm kind of into Rock. the guitar thing was something I figured somebody like Ozzy might do so I somehow thought it would be kool, even at the expense of destroying a guitar I couldn't afford to replace) and various objects out my window; I wasted an enormous amount of money; one night I even O.D. on benzos as I'd been taking them with alcohol. The list goes on, but I wouldn't want to bore you. In the meantime, I somehow managed to quit my benzo addiction. I saw a shrink for a few sessions too. and in the relatively rare hours when I was sober I even made a connection with God (as I understand him in my own way). At one point things even looked like they were going to get better: I got a job in another country so I wouldn't have to associate with my old friends and hang out in my drinking haunts. Although I must admit I quit that job after just 3 weeks and came home. I then didn't drink for a further 2 weeks or so (total approx 5 weeks) but it continued to be ok for a while. I got a new girlfriend, but it quickly didn't work out. However she's a good supportive friend to me now, even though on a few occasions I'd called her at like 4am yelling at her and telling her obscenities. Eventually my old girlfriend came back. We hadn't seen each other in almost 6 months, but we used to talk almost every day. When she came back it felt as if we'd never been apart (intended in a positive way that is). Nevertheless she only hung around for a few days before packing her bags again. However let me say that for the few days during which we had our reprise I kept sober. I didn't want to drink at all. In fact we were even trying to quit smoking together. I sincerely believe it wasn't because of the alcohol that she left again, I’d always kept my word to her that for any duration of time that our relationship was going I’d not have had a drop (In fact I have to give her the credit she deserves, as many a times while our relationship was on I’d been on the edge but she’d always somehow managed to convince me to hang on). She went back to her other guy. The bloke she'd left me for and then in turn left him again to return to me, only to ultimately return to him yet again. Maybe it's because he has a regular steddy job. I haven’t seen or even heard from her since and I don’t know how to contact her. It was only a matter of hours after she'd disappeared through the door, baggage in hand, before I ended up in one of my drinking joints. For the next month I was in a perpetual state of alcohol influenced oblivion, until 3 nights ago. I'd had a bad day. I'd realized I was at rock bottom: no friends; no job; no nice car; no money. so I took to the bottle - for the last time. That night after having crashed my old jalopy car into a wall and having returned home in one piece, to continue drinking, I eventually ended up in the E.R. room, yet again. I'd had a fall (had I have fallen 2 feet before I would have almost certainly broke my neck!) and had broken a finger. it hurt so bad I seem to remember sobering up very quickly, even though the order of events of that night still aren't too clear, there are many fragments all mixed up. However I take it that the doctors and nurses don't sympathise with drunks. They certainly weren't very nice to me. I woke up the following morning somehow realizing that things were way out of control. Not that I hadn't noticed before, of course! In fact many times during the past 6 or 7 months I'd tried to not drink. I'd even been emailed a link to this forum among others, from a friend. I didn't really even take a proper look at it, let alone sign up. After 6 and a half years of being on the wagon I thought maybe I could just drink "socially", like the vast majority of people do. Plus I guess that as I didn't think I was causing anybody any harm it would be ok to do so, which needless to say was a big denial of the problem. Today, after just having a "final warning" from my landlord that the next time one of my neighbours complains about the broken empty bottels or guitars in the compound beneath my windows or if anybody complains of any disturbances I'll be kicked out, zero tollerance this time. She's a nice lady, never had I seen her as mad as she was today. I felt so bad. I didn't even have any memories of throwing any bottels out my window the other night. No do I recall having made a racket because of the pain from my busted finger. So I thought it was time to check out this forum. And so here I am now: no friends (I live in a tiny town, where by now everybody knows what antics I get up to, and where even at the best of times it's near impossible to make meaningful friendships no matter how hard you try); no money; absolutely no car; no girl; no job; yet again a ruined reputation; and a broken finger. Today will be my 3rd sober day (I have to admit that after having been used to telling people "I don't drink at all. it's been 6 and a half years now" saying "I'm on day 3" doesn't feel like a big deal) There aren't any Al-Anon/Narc-Anon meetings held anywhere near me, so I've always dealt with my problems alone. This time I know it won't work alone, so I hope that possibly with your help and support we can get me fixed.
	Last edited by aldo1980; 09-26-2007 at 10:00 AM.

09-26-2007, 10:16 AM	#4 (permalink)
Rowan ¢нαт/вℓσg мσ∂єяαтσя Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 7,856	Welcome to Sober Recovery, Aldous
	__________________ Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.

09-26-2007, 10:26 AM	#6 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 1,544	Hi Aldo, I'm glad that you are here. First few weeks are rough, but you know that. Hang in there. You can do this! Karen
	__________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

09-26-2007, 10:29 AM	#7 (permalink)
best Don't get undies in a bunch Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore MA Posts: 7,174	I understand the fuel issue well. What we tend to do as alcoholics is make up excuses and put off doing what we should from time to time. Excuses are alcohols way of holding onto us. Think on that every time an excuse comes to mind and take control of the situation by saying no. One day at a time we say no. One moment at a time if need be we say no. Just for today I will not drink. Tomorrow I will deal with when tomorrow gets here. When tomorrow gets here I hope to be saying...just for today I will not drink. You may or maynot get back that girlfriend but you will be able to gain back things that you enjoy. Maybe a new car one day. Maybe a different and even nicer girlfriend. I have found that by not drinking I have much more options available to me and when I wake up in the mornings...no hangover and I remember how much fun I had the day before.. Yes a sober life I am finding is good.
	__________________ * I asked God to spare me pain. God said "No", Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me. Recovery Related Acronym B. E. S. T. = Been Enjoying Sobriety Today?

09-26-2007, 10:30 AM	#8 (permalink)
parentrecovers Membership applied for Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: USA Posts: 10,165	nice to meet you, aldo - keep posting! blessings, k
	__________________

09-26-2007, 10:12 AM	#2 (permalink)
aldo1980 Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Italy Posts: 708

09-26-2007, 10:16 AM	#5 (permalink)
aldo1980 Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Italy Posts: 708	Thank you for the advice BEST, it's greatly appriciated. However it's not a question of getting across town, it's more like a 2 hour round trip. And to be honest even if I had a car up to the journey I can't really afford the fuel at the moment while I don't have a job or anything.

09-26-2007, 10:36 AM	#9 (permalink)
Hevyn Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: On the beach! Ocean City, Maryland Posts: 513	Be excited & thankful Aldo! Aldo, you are coming to this conclusion at a young age (though I know you feel old, you've been through so much already). If you care to read the other stuff I've posted - don't want to bore you by repeating it - you'll see I am decades older than you and wish with all my heart I could have had the sense you do. There is much humor and intelligence in your post, you obviously have so much going for you. If I had done as you're doing, I would not be without a driver's license, would not have ruined relationships with my family, would not have serious health issues, on and on it goes! My husband (& drinking buddy) died 2 years ago, never would admit it was killing him or get help. This does not have to be you! It will be hard and almost impossible at times, but you can do it, and posting on here is a great substitute for AA meetings, in my opinion. There was a discussion on here recently about whether or not we can get sober without AA, and it was a good one - many good points on both sides were brought up. You never have to go through all the pain and tragedy that many of us older people have - you can stop this now, and you have a long life yet ahead of you to enjoy without that poison. You can turn it all around. (I've heard there are online AA meetings but never took part in one.) Sending love & hope out to you! P.S. I don't think you need that sort of a fair-weather girlfriend. You need stability.

09-26-2007, 11:17 AM	#12 (permalink)
best Don't get undies in a bunch Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore MA Posts: 7,174	Aldo Some reading that may help you find some answers... Look over the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the top of each forum. You may find a few helpful answers among them.
	__________________ * I asked God to spare me pain. God said "No", Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me. Recovery Related Acronym B. E. S. T. = Been Enjoying Sobriety Today?

09-26-2007, 12:16 PM	#14 (permalink)
jinxblu Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 52	Welcome to SR!!! It's a great place and has been a tremendous help to me in my (still early) days of sobriety. I personally could not have done it without full participation in AA. I believe they have meetings on-line if you can't physically get to one. Anyway....keep posting and congrats on your 3 days!!!!!!!
	__________________ YOU ARE ONLY LIMITED BY YOUR IMAGINATION

09-26-2007, 04:47 PM	#15 (permalink)
cofusedindenver Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: denver,co Posts: 43	Aldo 1980..... Alcoholism is called the lonely disease..... I can relate to your lonliness.. I've been there and still am.....