quitting alone...

[losteverything]

hello again, all....
I posted before Christmas here...came in destroyed, like most do....since then, i have cut off my coke use....and very much cut down on my drinking..I do still drink though...and i think i am fooling myself that i can just become a social drinker. I try to limit myself to two drinks a day, and for 90% of the time, i succeed..Yay for me? no....not at all....I should try a few days without anything at all...but going through divorce, having more stress than i can handle, i find those two drinks takes the edge off my day, and i can sleep better...but needing those two indicates dependency, and that sucks....i know it...
My biggest problem, which i think will be my stumbling block in recovery, is that i absolutely know in my mind that there is no higher power...God doesn't exist for me anymore...I used to be a Christian, and well, i guess i figure, if God has plans for everyone, like the doctrine says, it must be his plan that i have no faith in him anymore...Seems if we are all his children, he must be a terrible father....i wouldn't watch my children play on a busy highway and do nothing, because they have free will, and do nothing to stop them from harming themselves, so that to me says, There is no God...Anyhow, i guess for that reason, AA wont work for me...I think i am doing pretty good, with my cutting down....but not good enough that i have completely stopped..Hopefully that time will come soon.....thanks for allowing this rant.

[GlassPrisoner]

God is always there. It's just that when we use, we lose contact , from our side, with Him.

Have you considered the option that the divorce and stress are a result of using and drinking ? I've found once I removed the drink, and started working my program, stress, anxiety and depression all but ceased to exist.

There is a secular forum here. Perhaps they can help. I'm a 12 stepper myself, and I've found that it is the only thing that has worked for me.

I've tried de-tox (twice), white knuckling, Valium (which I just chased with booze), anti depressant meds (which I also chased with booze), divorce, quitting jobs, white knuckling and other methods.

I sincerely wish you the best in your journey.

Edit: Ooops. Welcome to the forums !

[kojac]

It's truly amazing in the sceme of it all.......that man in all his self profound wisdom has not found a way to create " life " outside of what has always or otherwise now exist. seloth@. tfs

[Time2Surrender]

Abstinance is not recovery. Probably why you feel like crap. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[ANGELINA243]

Originally Posted by losteverything

hello again, all....
I absolutely know in my mind that there is no higher power...God doesn't exist for me anymore...

Maybe right now you have issues with "God" and that is okay. My question is
which "God" are you mad at--the "God" that you were brought up with learning about as a child (if you had a religious background) or the "God" of your own understanding--which AA teaches about since you did mention AA in your response. Then I will have a better understanding what you are feeling/where you are coming from.

Either way--A Higher Power doesn't have to be one person. You came here and told us what you are going through. Maybe Sober Recovery is your Higher Power--there are plenty of us here (not just one) that can help.

[Jersey Nonny]

You may have hit on something here:

My biggest problem, which i think will be my stumbling block in recovery, is that i absolutely know in my mind that there is no higher power...God doesn't exist for me anymore...

Sorry you're having such a tough time and have stopped believing and lost your contact with the God of your understanding. It really seems more that you are having a tough time understanding Him.

It brings to mind a banner I saw on the chapel altar at my very first Matt Talbot retreat

If God seems far away, think...who has moved.

[losteverything]

thank you people for your interest in my problems...its encouraging..I guess maybe i am not thinking clearly...I did find Glassprisoners original posts..and that list of things he experienced getting sober sure scares the hell out of me..i dont want to go through that....What are these drugs people talk about you can get from a doctor when you want to stop drinking? and if i make a doctors appointment for next week, i would have to tell him i am alcoholic..I am afraid that he might leak that to my soon to be exwife, and she would have ammunition against me that would affect the custody of my children..we have now joint custody, but she would love to put the screws to me, anyway she could....
and if i do make that doctors appointment, do i just keep having my two drinks a night til that happens? sorry to be such a pain, i am coming to realize maybe i will need help with this...i thought i was strong, but am losing faith in myself as well.....not just in God...

[Time2Surrender]

If your doctor leaked that info he would be breaking the law.

[51anna]

Hi Lost,

In my opinion you don't need drugs from your dr to stop drinking. It's always a good idea to talk to your dr, but if you're drinking two drinks a day, stopping shouldn't be a big problem. You can stop and do it just today. Just get through today without a drink and worry about the rest later. It won't be easy, but one thing is sure and it's that alcoholism is a progressive disease.

[Alerica]

I've on been on the road to recovery since last February so I don't have a lot to add, but I too have been struggling with the Higher Power theory. My husband and I have been having some pretty serious communication problems lately to the point that I don't even want to go home at the end of my busy work day and would prefer to drink the problems under the rug. I was talking with my sponsor yesterday and she said that I had made my "husband" my Higher Power. Allowing him to control my actions. Those little words made perfect sense to me. Whatever your issues are, don't allow them to become your Higher Power.

Carla