My first day of Recovery

[SailorKR]

So, I’ve made the decision to quit drinking. I’ll get to the reasons why and how I plan to go about this, but first I want to write my drinking history. It’s not something I every really looked at in total.

My first taste of beer was in high school – taking it from my father’s beer cooler. Hated it. Nasty tasting stuff. But, peer pressure prevailed. I remember being so proud of myself the first time I caught a buzz. Other than a few beer parties, alcohol wasn’t really a big part of my teen years until I found myself in college. Everyone knows how that goes… binge drinking at parties every weekend, then study hard all week. I remember justifying it at the time by saying, “study hard, party hard – one extreme to the other.”

After college, my job actually encouraged continued binge drinking. I worked on a research ship that would be out to sea (without booze) for weeks at a time. Then we’d reach port and everyone would go hit the bars together. It was just expected, and fun. I never really thought of myself as an alcoholic because it was never a problem to quit for the weeks at sea.

Fast forward – after two years on the research ship, I found myself in my first office job. Didn’t like it. Didn’t know anyone in the town where I lived. Found a bar to interact with people my age. This was the first time I remember getting to the “a few drinks every night” point. That lasted a year, and then I actually went back out to sea on another research ship. Same routine as before – weeks dry at sea, then binge drinking in port.

It was on this ship in 1996 that I met my (now ex) wife. Several years of blissful cohabitation led to marriage in 2000. Those were fun years – yes, we both drank socially and had a fun circle of friends. I don’t know when it happened, but it was during these blissful years when I started drinking just because there was nothing else to do. My ex mentioned it a couple times, but it never really became a problem until after we were married.

I won’t go into all the details, but our marriage fell apart after only two years. I blamed her because she wasn’t faithful, she blamed me because “I was a drunk.” Depression followed. Though deep down I knew that she was right, I continued to drink to numb to pain caused by her infidelity.

Time, as they say, heals all wounds. Eventually, the pain and depression following our divorce eased. However, the drinking didn’t. For the first time in a long time, I was living alone. Boredom and loneliness lead me to the local bar where I rapidly fell in with the fun crowd of regulars. At first it was just Happy Hours and weekends, but gradually those HH’s got long and longer and longer. My work suffered – nearly to the point of losing my job.

But, I managed to get things back in order professionally. A job transfer sent me back out to sea on another research ship. This is now the forth sea tour I’ve had and thoroughly enjoy the work I do. There is still the “forced sobriety” each time the ship sails, which I have no problem with. But it’s the same damn story when we reach port. Only difference now is that I go out drinking alone while most everyone else on the ship goes home.

I was alone for Christmas yesterday. I visited my family a few weeks ago for an early Christmas. With nothing else to do, I went to the only sports bar open yesterday to watch the football games. Many beers followed. I don’t know how many – 10? 12? I don’t count – I just drink beer. The next logical step? A strip joint, of course – what else is a lonely guy gonna do on Christmas night? $250 and several lap dances later, I stumbled down the road. At least I was smart enough to take a cab – lord knows I haven’t always been that wise.

I don’t view this as “hitting rock bottom” – I just realized today that there is never a “right time” to quit. I’ve thought about it for years, but always listen to the little beer voice in my head. I had the realization that, as long as I say “tomorrow”, I’ll never actually quit. I have to quit today. It was a bizarre feeling – I had a intense high of excitement about making this life altering choice. Of course I’m anxious and a bit scared about how I’ll react in coming days. But, I know I can do it. There’s just a different state of clarity that I feel as soon as I think about leading a healthy, sober life. That’s something I’ve never felt before and for the first time in decades, I’m actually excited about my future.

I know this posting went all over the place. I just started writing and ended up here. I found this website a few weeks ago when I was researching my “future attempt at sobriety” Didn’t look at it again until after my revelation this morning. I’ve read many, many posts today and its great to see that I’m not alone in this. I look forward to sharing my Recovery with everyone.

[BLackshirt]

I am glad that you are here. I can really relate to your story as I am sure that many others here can also. Come here often, read and post and you will find encouragement, love and a non-judgemental group.

I wish you the best and will pray for you as you go through your recovery.

Scott

[mcdo1268]

SailorKR , congratulations on your decision! I made that decision at least 50 times in my life, it was not until I learned through the Big Book and my sponsor what the defintion of POWERLESS was that I truly entered a whole new existance. This is a disease of relapse, in order to build your defense against the next first drink you need to work the steps. Remeber we always emerge remorseful from a spree, swearing it off, but we never follow through with our thoughts, this may guide you. Keep coming back, make a mtg. and get a sponsor. Definiton of powerless to follow. Good luck!

[mcdo1268]

I cant drink, and I cant not drink…that’s a dilemma…lack of power…until I recognize this truth about me, there is no need for a higher power…Once I admit this truth…then i become willing to discover this higher power through the remaining eleven steps. And that power will do for me what I can NOT do for myself…and the work goes on, because I will drink again if I stop…powerless over alcohol.....


We cant' do it based on self knowledge or alone! Go for it!!!!!


.

[CarolD]

Hi...Welcome!

Before I could quit and stay quit
I needed to know WHY I continued to drink
when I detested the woman I had become.

This link has excerpts from the book that
saved my sanity.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Keep in focus..we do understand

[miss communicat]

Dear SailorK,

Welcome!!!!

Glad to see you have decided to get sober whether you have hit rock bottom or not. This is a progressive disease, and if you can recognize that earlier rather than later, you will spare yourself much more pain, suffering and loss.

My "bottom" may not have been rock bottom either, but I do know that there is no guarantee I'd be able to come back again from another drunk, so I stopped at the point I was ready to surrender totally and accept that I am powerless over alcohol. I use AA and SR and am immensely happier than when I was drinking. Over a year sober now.

You can get better too! Best wishes!

[Rusty Zipper]

welcome aboard SailorK...

you found the good ship recovery...

good wishes... rz

[mikel60]

Hi Sailor KR,
It was nice to read your story and to see the optimism with which you approach your impending sobriety. Miss C is right. Alcoholism is progressive and I don't think you want to experience what may be down the road.

You sound as if you are younger than I was (36) when I came to AA ten years ago. It also sounds as if your alcoholism, or use of alcohol, was similar yto mine. Trust me on this one Sailor, the last five years were simply brutal. No one should experience what those years were like.

Right now you have the key to unlocking a very bright and promising future. Go for it! You will be astounded and amazed at the things you will be able to accomplish. I'd highly recommend AA. At first I thought I was too smart for AA. Wrong. It changed my life.

I won't get into it except to say that my life is exponentially better now that I don't drink. Sobriety is giving me the opportunity to achieve great things. I plan to avail myself of this opportunity. I hope you do too.

Mike in Boston

[Arura]

Hello Sailor .....

Ive Always wanted to say that ,..... ...?

Yer 1/2 my family work at sea ,...and Im Very familer with how it is on both sides for the Men and women left at home ...and its tough,..both sides ,...!

Glad your Here Hon and Welcome Aboard Sailor ....xXx...!

[mtnmagic]

Welcome SailorK!

Glad you are here. Let us know how you are doing!

[hope3]

Welcome SailorKR, I seen myself in alot of what you wrote. Truth be known I had many tommorrows that I was going to quit, till like you, I said its tommorrow finally. I look forward to our journey and recovery together. The best wishes to you, Hope3.

[SailorKR]

Good Morning...

Thanks to all for your comments. All goes well.... Solid night of sleep with some bizarre dreams. I woke up at one point with that "voice" in my head trying to convince that if I don't drink, I'll never be able to find intimacy with a woman again. Yes, I'm shy and alcohol certainly was the lubrication that "paved the way" to relationships in the past, but I refuse to believe that its a requirement.

I'll write more later... but I think I'll actually get some work done now instead.

[TamTam]

Welcome to SR SailorKR!

[justwantpeace]

Very inspiring post - thank you, Sailor. I've only been here for about a week, and haven't formally introduced myself in this forum - just in the Women's forum, but welcome, nonetheless.

I came to this realization MUCH like you have, not at what I would consider "rock bottom" but just at a realization that I have allowed my love for drinking beer with my husband to overshadow my good sense and logic.

I do stupid things when I drink. I'm not who I REALLY am when I'm drinking beer. I asked my husband this past weekend, if I am as much fun not drinking as I am when I do drink, and he said, absolutely. In fact, I'm a lot MORE fun when I'm not drinking.

So don't sell yourself short and think you must drink to be attractive to women. Not true.