New but unsure

[Anodyne]

Hello.

I've been reading this forum for a few days, ever since Sunday morning when I awoke to a cop banging on my door and calling my name.

I did not answer because I could not remember what I had done this weekend, because I was wasted for most of it.

I was terrified that I had gone out driving and hurt or killed someone.

Or stolen something.

Or threatened someone one the phone or online.

I hid out until Monday, because I figured being taken in on Sunday would meann at least a night in jail, which I have done before (from being drunk, suiucide watch all three times) and I hate more than darn near anything, and if I went in on monday I could see the judge and get bailed without having to spend much time in jail.

It turned out that it was just because someone had broken into my car as part of a spree in my area, the cop just wanted to talk to me and tell me.

But when you are scared to death of police because you don't know what you did, it means something is wrong.

And I know something is wrong.

I have known for a few years. I have destroyed relationships, hurt the people I care about (not physically) and am a big ol hermit right now.

Once I made it three weeks without drinking, and I lost three holes on my belt, doing nothing but NOT drinking 8 lbs of beer a night.

I have a good job, I've had it for three years. I am in no danger of being fired. I make it work every day, I don't drink until I am off work..but something is seriously wrong.

When I thought I might have blacked out and done something bad, or hurt someone, I was sooo intense about getting intensive outpatient treatment.
But once I found out that I had just stayed at home and passed out and some other drunk had robbed my car, it somewhat killed my devotion.

I've made it almost five days, which might sound stupid and very little, but is a lot to me, without drinking, but I am already scheming on how I am going to go ahead and drink even while taking the intensive course I am about to cough up close to 25k for.

Which makes me think I shouldn't even bother spending the money, because I am not seriously into it.

I AM sick of hurting people I care about, I AM sick of being alone and driving away the girls who would love me, I AM sick of hurting my family, I've cried, I've 'repented' etc. I've spent three nights in jail which I hated.

I've tried for years to 'fix it' on my own, and I feel like such a ...lameass compared to so many of you. I'm 'only' 27, so much younger, and so much less sh*t gone though than so many of you. But a lot, I mean, from when I was in 9th grade till I was in 11th grade, nine of my real life friends killed themselves, my best friend killed my first 'love' and then himself, I found my Dad's dead body, my sister slit my wrists because I wouldn't leave her and her satanic bf alone while they were tripping acid, blah blah blah.

Thing is, I KNOW that a lot of other people have bad stories, have had **** happen to them. I also was presidant of a suicide prevention organisation that was recognized by the Senate Majority Leader in a bill against teen violence/suicide. I know pain, I know reality, I know a lot of people have had it as bad or worse, and I like to help them...

so why won't I help myself?

Why do I make all these promises, then f*ck them over?

Why do I feel like a retarded kid who doesn't have a clue what it can mean, yet I already hate what it's done to my life, yet I still can't get serious about stopping?

Cripes. I am even getting annoyed with myself for this post. I don't want pity, I know I am addicted, but my story is so lame compared to so many on this board, but,, I don't WANT to beat my wife, I don't want to get a DUI, I don't WANT to go to jail, I don't WANT to carry 30 lbs of beer weight, I don't WANT to spent all my money on alcohol, I don't WANT to hurt people and drive them away.

But the truth is, I don't have the will to completely commit to a treatment program and honestly carry it out. I've heard all about "surrender" ..but..how do you do it? I'm one of the smartest people I know, one of the most compassionate...but I am also a f*cking idiot, and a cold heartleass *******.

I don't want to fall into prison, or the guilt of killing someone, or driving my family away...I refuse to be with a girl right now, because I won't risk hurting someone physically or abusing them mentally, but I am so sick of being alone, and the thing is, I KNOW all this stuff I SHOULD do...but I constantly eff it up, tell myself "I can do it just fine, yes, I have a problem, but -I- can fix it"..and I don't know how to ugh. I just.

k
yeah
bye.

[51anna]

Hi and Welcome,

I was also shocked at myself for allowing myself to become an alcoholic. I couldn't believe I had let that happen. But, I did. And, I knew how to take care of everyone else - husband, children, friends, but not a clue that I needed to take care of myself too. I am a smart person too, but I didn't know what I needed to know.

The thing is that you can stop drinking. I never followed a specific treatment program like AA (though I know it works well for many). But, I was extremely motivated to stop drinking and I work on it every single day - physically, spiritually and mentally.

I took a long time to believe that I was worth the work involved in quitting drinking. It's not as simple as knowing you have a problem and fixing it. It's taking a really hard look at yourself and where you are in your life. It's making the changes in your life that you need to, in order to live a balanced, peaceful life.

I hope you keep reading and posting.

[Anodyne]

I'm not really shocked at all.
It runs in my family.

I just feel irritated with myself and 'weak' when I go on benders.

and weak because I know I need to stop, but everything I am about to do is a platitude to other people. Even though I know I am NOT doing ok "fixing it my way".. I just.
I don't even know how to explain it, and I feel like I no right bitching around amonst the folk here.

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR!


To quit drinking I needed to know WHY I drank.
Please check

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html (Excerpts "Under The Influence")

Sobriety rocks!!..

[northbelle]

Its just the nature of the disease...that s what untreated addiction feels like. I could relate to your story and even more to all your feelings about yourself and addiction. Being a addict /alcoholic is hard work. I know all my friends tell me to KEEP IT SIMPLE..because I think and analyze myself to death.
You are not cold hearted or any of those other things you said about how terrible you are..let that go...go to a meeting and I bet you will find some answers you are looking for. i know it has helped me alot. What you have been through IS alot and your story matters...I really dug the way you expressed yourself. I think you would be a GREAT candidate for recovery!! SO jump on aboard....I once heard say..Get Busy Living //Or Get Busy Dying. Cause that is where I am at when I use or drink. Believe me. I did have to go to prison,,,well thank god it is not a requirement for recovery so YOU DON"T HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!
write more
love north

[barb dwyer]

hi anydyne -

and welcome!

Your post said you didn't want pity. I hope you were telling the truth about that.

*pause*

So ... if you wake up and are afraid you've killed someone with your car because the cops are at your door, and that's not the bottom ... what will the disease design next to get you closer to the bottom?

Who's gonna win ... you ... or the disease?

I see from your post your location.
I've never really drank over there, but I'm right next door in mt. And I've never seen drinking like goes on here ... even in the movies. So if where you are is anything like where I am ... dude.

I woke up many mornings not knowing what had happened. Sometimes, the car wasn't even home. And I'd no idea about where I'd left it, or how I'd gotten home. Then the man I loved got killed, of course drunk driving ... and I woke up really sick one day about three months later. It took me several hours to realize I'd lost three days. Three days.

And that was only my first trip to AA.
I know where you're sitting, my friend. It all came whooshing back as I read your words. And I know exactly where that pain and fear is. I know it from the inside out. I lived it. Drank it. Breathed it.
I had to lose everything. All my friends, my money, my reputation, my dignity ... a man who loved me and only wanted me to stop drinking so I could be the person I was supposed to be ... and he one of the biggest drunks in this town. He told me over and over - you're better than this, deb. You've got a chance. You're not like us. You didn't grow up here.
Did I listen?
Yeah. When he was gone. When everything was gone.
I came to the rooms of AA broken. lost. AA was all that was left to me. And I grabbed onto the program like a drowning woman.
That's what it took for me, brother. Those marks on the side of this lifeboat are from my fingernails.

What's it going to take for you, man?
There's a way out of the madness. It's a real way. And it works. Look at Carol up there on the thread. She's got umpty - dozen years sober. Read around this page. There's hundreds of years of sobriety online. Right here on this one page.

The Grace of God and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous saved me. I'm 'under construction', but I'm alive. I can feel. I'm repairing my broken life. I'm being relieved of that soul - crushing sadness that I drank to avoid feeling.

How bad do you want to keep doing what you're doing? That's really the question. What's it going to take?