Painful Surrender - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

salamander · 10-16-2006, 10:20 AM

Hi Everyone,

I first posted to this site in July. My first attempt at sobriety. I made it 101 days and then I relapsed (Friday the 13th, how appropriate). It was one of those planned relapses, unwilling to admit that I was/am powerless. I tried to do some controlled drinking and guess what - I couldnt. I had myself convinced that I could. I laid out all my conditions. I'm STILL resisting admitting it. I dont want to admit that I can never sit on the patio and sip a glass of wine like regular people. I dont want to admit that without alcohol I cant let go and be myself. Anyone else have that problem? Does it ever get easier? How do you learn to live without it? I havent been to an AA meeting - more resistance I guess. There just something so final about walking in the door.

ndgrace · 10-16-2006, 11:16 AM

You have lots of company with your problem, it is called alcoholism. I had a tough time making it to AA meetings at first, because I never had a lot of the problems others had called the "yets". I had not had a DUI, lost a job or missed any work, no physical problems, and only my family was aware of the drinking. I am sure if I continued all of the Yets would come true. I am greatful to be sober, and find great support in AA. When I messed up and drank they were not judgemental, and told me to keep coming back! They truly understood my obsession with drink! I know people stay sober other ways, but this girl is greatful for AA.

cubbie · 10-16-2006, 11:51 AM

Salamander, I have tried numerous times to drink like a normal person. I was successful for short periods of time. However, I always reverted back to the true alcoholic that I am. In fact, things became worse for me over the years. This past summer, I blacked out every time I drank (regardless of the amount). The summer culminated in a DWI arrest (3rd in 5 years). I know that I cannot drink ever again. The hard part has been avoiding situations where alcohol is present. I have to pick and choose which social events I attend. Right now, things aren't so bad because I'm keeping busy. Don't be discouraged by your relapse. I have been there many times. Just keep pursuing sobriety. AA meetings really do help.

laurience · 10-16-2006, 07:48 PM

Hi!
I totally, totally understand. I was where you are not too long ago. I hated admitting that I can never drink again because I SOO wanted to be a normal drinker. So I tried every tactic in the book. It worked here and there however it took so much effort and every few months bang!! Binge and blackout!! Frightening, paranoid and very scary.
The other day I was looking through vacation magazines and had the same feeling. I thought I can never go on an all inclusive resort and not drink?????
Then again, the fear of drinking and of losing control is worse. I have to keep it real and gain my self respect back.
Good luck
Joanne

laurience · 10-16-2006, 07:49 PM

tomorrow is day 30 for me
Joanne

Stormtooth · 10-16-2006, 08:26 PM

Salamader,

This is a very hard thing to struggle with, when you start to feel healthy again and think what was going wrong? I can fix this. I think it all the time. Make no mistake though. I had a friend die this last summer--during a custody battle for his children no less.

I think no true alcoholic will ever be able to give up the idea of one day of drinking again. I can't. I would either be lieing or lieing to myself. I can *defer* it. I can push it back. I can say today i will not drink.

I could never face the idea of never drinking again. I can only face each day and say, look at the progress you have made. look at what you have at stake. Surely you can wait until you are a hopeless bitter old man before you take up drinking.

Or maybe I may never get there and have a happy productive life instead--and never have the opportunity to drink again.

Anyone who has been there will understand why you relapsed and will never question your desire to quit.

Hang in there and talk out what you need to talk out.

**CarolD** · 10-16-2006, 10:23 PM

Welcome Back..

We now have excerpts from the book I mentioned to you

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html (Excerpts "Under The Influence")

Drink again? Why? I worked too darned hard for the joy I now have!!...

Good to see you here again!

10-16-2006, 10:20 AM	#1 (permalink)
salamander Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: memphis, tn Posts: 9	Painful Surrender Hi Everyone, I first posted to this site in July. My first attempt at sobriety. I made it 101 days and then I relapsed (Friday the 13th, how appropriate). It was one of those planned relapses, unwilling to admit that I was/am powerless. I tried to do some controlled drinking and guess what - I couldnt. I had myself convinced that I could. I laid out all my conditions. I'm STILL resisting admitting it. I dont want to admit that I can never sit on the patio and sip a glass of wine like regular people. I dont want to admit that without alcohol I cant let go and be myself. Anyone else have that problem? Does it ever get easier? How do you learn to live without it? I havent been to an AA meeting - more resistance I guess. There just something so final about walking in the door.

10-16-2006, 10:23 PM	#7 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 16,050	Welcome Back.. We now have excerpts from the book I mentioned to you http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html (Excerpts "Under The Influence") Drink again? Why? I worked too darned hard for the joy I now have!!... Good to see you here again! __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!

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10-16-2006, 11:16 AM	#2 (permalink)
ndgrace ndgrace Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: VA Posts: 72	You have lots of company with your problem, it is called alcoholism. I had a tough time making it to AA meetings at first, because I never had a lot of the problems others had called the "yets". I had not had a DUI, lost a job or missed any work, no physical problems, and only my family was aware of the drinking. I am sure if I continued all of the Yets would come true. I am greatful to be sober, and find great support in AA. When I messed up and drank they were not judgemental, and told me to keep coming back! They truly understood my obsession with drink! I know people stay sober other ways, but this girl is greatful for AA.

10-16-2006, 11:51 AM	#3 (permalink)
cubbie Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Charlotte, NC Posts: 74	Salamander, I have tried numerous times to drink like a normal person. I was successful for short periods of time. However, I always reverted back to the true alcoholic that I am. In fact, things became worse for me over the years. This past summer, I blacked out every time I drank (regardless of the amount). The summer culminated in a DWI arrest (3rd in 5 years). I know that I cannot drink ever again. The hard part has been avoiding situations where alcohol is present. I have to pick and choose which social events I attend. Right now, things aren't so bad because I'm keeping busy. Don't be discouraged by your relapse. I have been there many times. Just keep pursuing sobriety. AA meetings really do help.

10-16-2006, 07:48 PM	#4 (permalink)
laurience Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 348	Hi! I totally, totally understand. I was where you are not too long ago. I hated admitting that I can never drink again because I SOO wanted to be a normal drinker. So I tried every tactic in the book. It worked here and there however it took so much effort and every few months bang!! Binge and blackout!! Frightening, paranoid and very scary. The other day I was looking through vacation magazines and had the same feeling. I thought I can never go on an all inclusive resort and not drink????? Then again, the fear of drinking and of losing control is worse. I have to keep it real and gain my self respect back. Good luck Joanne

10-16-2006, 07:49 PM	#5 (permalink)
laurience Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 348	tomorrow is day 30 for me Joanne

10-16-2006, 08:26 PM	#6 (permalink)
Stormtooth Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Bangor, maine Posts: 79	Salamader, This is a very hard thing to struggle with, when you start to feel healthy again and think what was going wrong? I can fix this. I think it all the time. Make no mistake though. I had a friend die this last summer--during a custody battle for his children no less. I think no true alcoholic will ever be able to give up the idea of one day of drinking again. I can't. I would either be lieing or lieing to myself. I can defer it. I can push it back. I can say today i will not drink. I could never face the idea of never drinking again. I can only face each day and say, look at the progress you have made. look at what you have at stake. Surely you can wait until you are a hopeless bitter old man before you take up drinking. Or maybe I may never get there and have a happy productive life instead--and never have the opportunity to drink again. Anyone who has been there will understand why you relapsed and will never question your desire to quit. Hang in there and talk out what you need to talk out.

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