AA meetings are helpful, but... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

cubbie · 10-06-2006, 04:17 AM

I can't relate to the people in meetings. I realize that to maintain sobriety and have success in recovery I must stay away from friends and family that binge drink and expect me to do the same. However, I am a needy person. I have to be around people and have social interaction. I have not found one person in AA meetings that I would feel comfortable hanging out with. I don't think I am being arrogant. I just don't seem to have anything in common with the other attendees. I am much younger than the rest of the group. Also, many of them do not have careers, so it is hard for me to discuss specific issues with them. One group member told me not to worry about working. He said, "Just stick with the program, and everything will work out." My idea of things working out is not to be sober AND homeless. I want to be sober AND have a career. I have also heard that I should focus on my recovery first and foremost. Although recovery is at the forefront, not having a 9-5 job is wreaking havoc on my self esteem. I have been abstinent from alcohol for over two weeks, but some days I feel like breaking down and saying "f*@# it!" I am really angry now. This disease I have has robbed me of my confidence and it has prevented me from achieving my dreams.

Ngokpa · 10-06-2006, 06:25 AM

I was in transition when I got sober, just starting to do secretarial work by doing a little temping when I got sober, and it was good I didn't have to work full time. I really had to go to a lot of meetings. After a few weeks I could handle more. Some people can handle working full time from the get go, but it's an individual thing, and I think we need to be open minded about what we need to stay sober.

You might want to try different meetings, since the character of the people who attend varies enormously. At my fellowship, you're likely to run into a lot of people who can't work at the 9 AM or 1 PM, but a lot of people with jobs and long term sobriety at the early morning meetings. Also, if you have a central office in your area you might give them a call about meetings for young folks, or connect with young people in sobriety on line.

Many of us feel alienated from AA in the beginning, which can persist for a long time. But we can't let that get in the way of finding ways to stay sober, which can vary from person to person. It's easy to get antsy early on, but we have to remember we're recovering from a habit of being self-destructive, and we need help if we want to give ourselves a break.

Rusty Zipper · 10-06-2006, 06:51 AM

cubbie

Quote:

I am a needy person. I have to be around people and have social interaction. I have not found one person in AA meetings that I would feel comfortable hanging out with. I don't think I am being arrogant. I just don't seem to have anything in common with the other attendees. I am much younger than the rest of the group. Also, many of them do not have careers, so it is hard for me to discuss specific issues with them. One group member told me not to worry about working. He said, "Just stick with the program, and everything will work out." My idea of things working out is not to be sober AND homeless. I want to be sober AND have a career. I have also heard that I should focus on my recovery first and foremost. Although recovery is at the forefront, not having a 9-5 job is wreaking havoc on my self esteem.

cubbie, a lot was said here... its peppered with the things we need to work on... needy, comfortable, arrogant, self esteem... the self-isms... for me, thats all the crap i drank and drug'd over and for... as mentioned, work on changing your thoughts and reactions to all of that and more, and yep, all the rest does follow... if not... its lets Drink time... sooner or later... IMO... have seen it all to often... one more thing... AA/NA/Smart... they are not social clubs... they are about recovery from booze and drugs bottom line...

good wishes to you cubbie.... xxoo, Zip

NEEDTOBESOBER · 10-06-2006, 08:16 AM

Cubbie,

I am also having the same issues as you, my 18 yr old son moved back in w/us and even though he is my son we are very close and a lot alike, and I think sometimes we are influencing each other and also his girlfriend that comes over, me and my son both like to drink, his girlfriend doesnt drink that much maybe a beer or two or maybe a little wine, but still when I am surrounded by people who trigger my wanting to drink is when I have problems on top of stress, which I have a lot of . My son moved back around my 5th day of sobriety and i did pretty good in the beginning, I went 33 or 34 days without drinking and then a situation came up, my son had gone to one of our neighbors who he had been talking to about getting a different type of job, so i was getting nervous at home , cause I was worried cause he use to be on drugs, so anyway to make a long story short I went over to these neighbors house and the guy had beer and I just said to myself F**k it and drank about 5 beers. Then I drank for the next couple of days and then didnt drink for about 5 days and my husband is a problem too cause even though he doesnt drink he thinks It is ok for me to drink as long as drink in moderation which he thinks I can do, but I cant , well sometimes I can but most of the time I cant.

michski · 10-06-2006, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cubbie My idea of things working out is not to be sober AND homeless. I want to be sober AND have a career. I have also heard that I should focus on my recovery first and foremost. [B

Although recovery is at the forefront, not having a 9-5 job is wreaking havoc on my self esteem[/b]. I have been abstinent from alcohol for over two weeks, but some days I feel like breaking down and saying "f*@# it!" I am really angry now. This disease I have has robbed me of my confidence and it has prevented me from achieving my dreams.

And why is it you can't begin to look for work?

Little Missy · 10-06-2006, 09:59 AM

Take it easy on yourself. Just because we get sober doesn't mean everything will change over night. There were a lot of things I had to change about me.

For me, AA had been a wonderful journey of self discovery and growth. Not always fun, not always easy!! But it has given me peace!!

AA is not about being sober and homeless!! hehe That is for sure!! It's about learning to live life on lifes terms, and being a productive member of society, while sober!! (and a lot of other things also.)

I didn't know how to handle situations in my life. All I knew was to drink over them. Now I'm learning and I'm very grateful!!

My suggestion is to stick with it. It took me a while to be comfortable with being an alcoholic and took a while to make friends in AA. You don't have to like all of them, or hang out with them. But I like most of them, and hang out with a lot of them. One lady is 30 years older then me and one of my best friends!!

**51anna** · 10-06-2006, 10:06 AM

Hi Cubbie,

I agree with Missy that you should try to be patient with yourself.

I think you can put your sobriety first and look for work at the same time. You also need to remember that you will probably need to make changes in your life in order to maintain your sobriety. When I hit bottom, I needed to begin to build myself up again and I was surprised to find that I wasn't the person I had always thought I was. Recovery is a time of growth and change and you need to embrance those things.

WEE DEE · 10-06-2006, 10:12 AM

I felt more or less the same as you when I first started going about AA. I even resented the 'jobless' cos they could go to more meetings and had more time to build up relationships with other people. Whilst I was working from 12-8pm and couldn't always get to weekend meetings due to other obligations.

However the people I had resented have became great friends to me. It just took a little longer.

Your job is important - some people don't care if they work or not - I'm not one of those. i enjoy the sense of achievement I get from work. But, I did have to take a wee bit of time off to sort myself out so that I was in a fit state to actually do the job and cope with other people at work. I just had to be honest with my employer about what I was trying to do and they were fantastic with me - I'm actually surprised I was never sacked for the mood swings I used to take into work with me.

Don't give up on your wee group just now. You never know, somebody might just walk in that door that needs YOUR help.

I wish you all the very best

Cheers
D.xxx

justanothrdrunk · 10-06-2006, 10:26 AM

Try some different meetings.

The sentiment is all the same, but every meeting has its own unique mood, flow, and personality. Keep trying different meetings and I can guarantee you will eventually find one you really gel with.

nocellphone · 10-06-2006, 11:42 AM

Hi cubbie!

Would it be helpful to add the word "yet" a few places in your post? I've been told that "yet" is a powerful word and can be seen as an acronym meaning "You're Eligible Too". For example:

Quote:

Originally Posted by cubbie

I can't relate to the people in meetings.

...yet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cubbie

I have not found one person in AA meetings that I would feel comfortable hanging out with.

...yet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cubbie

I just don't seem to have anything in common with the other attendees.

...yet.

My suspicion is that you may have more in common with the other "attendees" (generally they just refer to themselves as "alcoholics", though I'd be tickled to hear this at a meeting: "Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an attendee..."

) than you imagine. After all, everyone who shows up in those rooms are there for a common purpose: to get sober and learn to stay that way.

If you give it time, you might just find those answers you're seeking in the rooms and with the very people you have yet to feel a connection with...

Sugah · 10-06-2006, 11:48 AM

There are some you'll find in meetings who hide behind the flag of disease and use it as an excuse to avoid life. They exist, and unfortunately, they are not as rare as they should be. Yes, I'm taking an inventory because I had to make a decision: was the journey of recovery so all-encompassing that I had to make a full-time job out of it, or was the purpose of recovery to re-integrate me into the society from which I had isolated myself? I did not get sober to hid behind my alcoholism. You don't have to, either.

I was different and alienated from those around me so long as I put my drinking first and my living (family, friends, job, hobbies, etc) second. If I put my recovery first, I can begin to rejoin my family and friends as a better, sober person, and I can do my job, enjoy my hobbies, improve my mind without the road block of my alcoholism barring the way.

In the rooms, I find people from all walks of life, of all ages, races, sexual orientations and professions. I might compare the circumstances of my life and find myself very different from the people I find there. If I look at my alcoholism, I can then relate myself to them.

Here's where an open mind is invaluable. Alcoholism ends in death, one way or another, if untreated. Recovery isn't a hobby. It is a way of life. I know folks who work a good program and spend very little time outside of meetings with groups of fellow A&Aers. I know people who have managed to build a large enough network that they rarely have to deal intimately with anyone not in recovery. My own life falls somewhere in between, and that suits me. You'll have to find what you need, and if you try to relate rather than compare, I believe you'll get what you need -- recovery -- and learn how to find your balance.

Oh, and for the record, I sponsor a young woman (she's thirty now) who felt just like you. She was young, career-minded, very intelligent and very beautiful. She looked around and saw older folks and young punks. She was convinced that she had to find a group of people who were her age, had her life (ie., material) goals, and defined success in the exact same way she did. It took a little time, but she realized that she does, indeed, "fit in." It occurred to her to listen to the message rather than spend time critiquing the messenger. She also counts among her friends (outside the meetings) older people, people who have different types of jobs than she does, and even a few who are genuinely disabled, some due to their alcoholism. The common bond is that they all live with alcohlism (notice I didn't say "suffer from?").

Give it a shot. Close your eyes, if you like, while others are sharing, and just listen to the message. Chances are there are things that you will discard -- the fellowship is not the program -- but I'll bet that you will hear the message from those who are truly living the program, and they'll tell you how they did it.

Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

nocellphone · 10-06-2006, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sugah

Alcoholism ends in death, one way or another, if untreated. Recovery isn't a hobby. It is a way of life.

Thank you sooooooooooooooooooo much for this!

Sugah · 10-06-2006, 03:28 PM

You're very welcome! But I'm afraid I can't claim it. Just passing it along.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

lulu70 · 10-06-2006, 06:52 PM

Really great post, Sug... Thanks for that.

Cubbie--I'm sorry you feel like you aren't getting what you need in your meetings. I felt the same way the first time I tried AA. I spent a lot of time looking for the differences between myself and the other folks and eventually just gave it up. I didn't initially start drinking again--actually managed to stay sober for about a year--but went back to the booze and didn't make it back to recovery for over 11 years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cubbie

My idea of things working out is not to be sober AND homeless. I want to be sober AND have a career.

The sad truth is that unless you actually find a way to stay sober it is likely that you won't have a career for long.

The suggestion to try out some different meetings is a good one. I would also suggest trying to look for the similarities between yourself and "those people." I assure you that they really are there.

In the meantime, I hope you will keep posting. We're here for you, and as you can see, this is a great place to come for support!

cubbie · 10-06-2006, 07:52 PM

I have several job offers, and I am actively interviewing. However, my past and present legal issues may prevent from actually taking such jobs.

cubbie · 10-06-2006, 08:22 PM

Thanks to all for your posts. By no means do I feel that I am above the others I have met in AA meetings. I most definitely can relate to all in terms of dealing with alcoholism. I'm struggling with the thought of distancing myself from current enablers and influencers in exchange for a lonely existence. I understand that AA is not a social club. However, it would be nice to watch a football game with buddies or go out to dinner with a woman. Since I decided to quit drinking, I have lived in obscurity primarily because I don't want to be around people that drink. I even bailed on a date (I told her that I had a stomach ache) for the same reason. These may seem like minor sacrifices to some, but to me, such simple interactions are significant. Perhaps, I took those things for granted in the past. Maybe the loss of such interactions serves a greater purpose. In my case, the most difficult part of recovery is dealing with the loneliness. Right now, things are really bad because I am not working. A job would at least provide some social interaction in a safe environment (i.e. one free of alcohol). Any suggestions on productively passing the time until things change or I feel better?

10-06-2006, 04:17 AM	#1 (permalink)
cubbie Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Charlotte, NC Posts: 71	AA meetings are helpful, but... I can't relate to the people in meetings. I realize that to maintain sobriety and have success in recovery I must stay away from friends and family that binge drink and expect me to do the same. However, I am a needy person. I have to be around people and have social interaction. I have not found one person in AA meetings that I would feel comfortable hanging out with. I don't think I am being arrogant. I just don't seem to have anything in common with the other attendees. I am much younger than the rest of the group. Also, many of them do not have careers, so it is hard for me to discuss specific issues with them. One group member told me not to worry about working. He said, "Just stick with the program, and everything will work out." My idea of things working out is not to be sober AND homeless. I want to be sober AND have a career. I have also heard that I should focus on my recovery first and foremost. Although recovery is at the forefront, not having a 9-5 job is wreaking havoc on my self esteem. I have been abstinent from alcohol for over two weeks, but some days I feel like breaking down and saying "f*@# it!" I am really angry now. This disease I have has robbed me of my confidence and it has prevented me from achieving my dreams.

10-06-2006, 09:59 AM	#6 (permalink)
Little Missy NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know! Posts: 1,831	Take it easy on yourself. Just because we get sober doesn't mean everything will change over night. There were a lot of things I had to change about me. For me, AA had been a wonderful journey of self discovery and growth. Not always fun, not always easy!! But it has given me peace!! AA is not about being sober and homeless!! hehe That is for sure!! It's about learning to live life on lifes terms, and being a productive member of society, while sober!! (and a lot of other things also.) I didn't know how to handle situations in my life. All I knew was to drink over them. Now I'm learning and I'm very grateful!! My suggestion is to stick with it. It took me a while to be comfortable with being an alcoholic and took a while to make friends in AA. You don't have to like all of them, or hang out with them. But I like most of them, and hang out with a lot of them. One lady is 30 years older then me and one of my best friends!!
	__________________ May all your days be filled with love and laughter!

10-06-2006, 10:06 AM	#7 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 10,507	Hi Cubbie, I agree with Missy that you should try to be patient with yourself. I think you can put your sobriety first and look for work at the same time. You also need to remember that you will probably need to make changes in your life in order to maintain your sobriety. When I hit bottom, I needed to begin to build myself up again and I was surprised to find that I wasn't the person I had always thought I was. Recovery is a time of growth and change and you need to embrance those things.
	__________________ Anna "I don't know what the future is holding in store I don't know where Im going, Im not sure where Ive been Theres a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I don't need to see the end." John Denver

10-06-2006, 11:48 AM	#11 (permalink)
Sugah Om, Aum, Ohm... Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh Posts: 2,060	There are some you'll find in meetings who hide behind the flag of disease and use it as an excuse to avoid life. They exist, and unfortunately, they are not as rare as they should be. Yes, I'm taking an inventory because I had to make a decision: was the journey of recovery so all-encompassing that I had to make a full-time job out of it, or was the purpose of recovery to re-integrate me into the society from which I had isolated myself? I did not get sober to hid behind my alcoholism. You don't have to, either. I was different and alienated from those around me so long as I put my drinking first and my living (family, friends, job, hobbies, etc) second. If I put my recovery first, I can begin to rejoin my family and friends as a better, sober person, and I can do my job, enjoy my hobbies, improve my mind without the road block of my alcoholism barring the way. In the rooms, I find people from all walks of life, of all ages, races, sexual orientations and professions. I might compare the circumstances of my life and find myself very different from the people I find there. If I look at my alcoholism, I can then relate myself to them. Here's where an open mind is invaluable. Alcoholism ends in death, one way or another, if untreated. Recovery isn't a hobby. It is a way of life. I know folks who work a good program and spend very little time outside of meetings with groups of fellow A&Aers. I know people who have managed to build a large enough network that they rarely have to deal intimately with anyone not in recovery. My own life falls somewhere in between, and that suits me. You'll have to find what you need, and if you try to relate rather than compare, I believe you'll get what you need -- recovery -- and learn how to find your balance. Oh, and for the record, I sponsor a young woman (she's thirty now) who felt just like you. She was young, career-minded, very intelligent and very beautiful. She looked around and saw older folks and young punks. She was convinced that she had to find a group of people who were her age, had her life (ie., material) goals, and defined success in the exact same way she did. It took a little time, but she realized that she does, indeed, "fit in." It occurred to her to listen to the message rather than spend time critiquing the messenger. She also counts among her friends (outside the meetings) older people, people who have different types of jobs than she does, and even a few who are genuinely disabled, some due to their alcoholism. The common bond is that they all live with alcohlism (notice I didn't say "suffer from?"). Give it a shot. Close your eyes, if you like, while others are sharing, and just listen to the message. Chances are there are things that you will discard -- the fellowship is not the program -- but I'll bet that you will hear the message from those who are truly living the program, and they'll tell you how they did it. Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers. Peace & Love, Sugah
	__________________ Oh, this old world keeps spinning round Its a wonder tall trees aint layin down There comes a time.

10-06-2006, 03:28 PM	#13 (permalink)
Sugah Om, Aum, Ohm... Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh Posts: 2,060	You're very welcome! But I'm afraid I can't claim it. Just passing it along. Peace & Love, Sugah
	__________________ Oh, this old world keeps spinning round Its a wonder tall trees aint layin down There comes a time.

10-06-2006, 06:25 AM	#2 (permalink)
Ngokpa Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: El Cerrito, California Posts: 546	I was in transition when I got sober, just starting to do secretarial work by doing a little temping when I got sober, and it was good I didn't have to work full time. I really had to go to a lot of meetings. After a few weeks I could handle more. Some people can handle working full time from the get go, but it's an individual thing, and I think we need to be open minded about what we need to stay sober. You might want to try different meetings, since the character of the people who attend varies enormously. At my fellowship, you're likely to run into a lot of people who can't work at the 9 AM or 1 PM, but a lot of people with jobs and long term sobriety at the early morning meetings. Also, if you have a central office in your area you might give them a call about meetings for young folks, or connect with young people in sobriety on line. Many of us feel alienated from AA in the beginning, which can persist for a long time. But we can't let that get in the way of finding ways to stay sober, which can vary from person to person. It's easy to get antsy early on, but we have to remember we're recovering from a habit of being self-destructive, and we need help if we want to give ourselves a break.

10-06-2006, 08:16 AM	#4 (permalink)
NEEDTOBESOBER Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: FRIENDSWOOD, TEXAS Posts: 501	Cubbie, I am also having the same issues as you, my 18 yr old son moved back in w/us and even though he is my son we are very close and a lot alike, and I think sometimes we are influencing each other and also his girlfriend that comes over, me and my son both like to drink, his girlfriend doesnt drink that much maybe a beer or two or maybe a little wine, but still when I am surrounded by people who trigger my wanting to drink is when I have problems on top of stress, which I have a lot of . My son moved back around my 5th day of sobriety and i did pretty good in the beginning, I went 33 or 34 days without drinking and then a situation came up, my son had gone to one of our neighbors who he had been talking to about getting a different type of job, so i was getting nervous at home , cause I was worried cause he use to be on drugs, so anyway to make a long story short I went over to these neighbors house and the guy had beer and I just said to myself F**k it and drank about 5 beers. Then I drank for the next couple of days and then didnt drink for about 5 days and my husband is a problem too cause even though he doesnt drink he thinks It is ok for me to drink as long as drink in moderation which he thinks I can do, but I cant , well sometimes I can but most of the time I cant.

10-06-2006, 10:12 AM	#8 (permalink)
WEE DEE Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: GLASGOW Posts: 46	I felt more or less the same as you when I first started going about AA. I even resented the 'jobless' cos they could go to more meetings and had more time to build up relationships with other people. Whilst I was working from 12-8pm and couldn't always get to weekend meetings due to other obligations. However the people I had resented have became great friends to me. It just took a little longer. Your job is important - some people don't care if they work or not - I'm not one of those. i enjoy the sense of achievement I get from work. But, I did have to take a wee bit of time off to sort myself out so that I was in a fit state to actually do the job and cope with other people at work. I just had to be honest with my employer about what I was trying to do and they were fantastic with me - I'm actually surprised I was never sacked for the mood swings I used to take into work with me. Don't give up on your wee group just now. You never know, somebody might just walk in that door that needs YOUR help. I wish you all the very best Cheers D.xxx

10-06-2006, 10:26 AM	#9 (permalink)
justanothrdrunk Retired Pro Drunk Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Saint Paul, MN Posts: 394	Try some different meetings. The sentiment is all the same, but every meeting has its own unique mood, flow, and personality. Keep trying different meetings and I can guarantee you will eventually find one you really gel with.

10-06-2006, 07:52 PM	#15 (permalink)
cubbie Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Charlotte, NC Posts: 71	I have several job offers, and I am actively interviewing. However, my past and present legal issues may prevent from actually taking such jobs.

10-06-2006, 08:22 PM	#16 (permalink)
cubbie Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Charlotte, NC Posts: 71	Thanks to all for your posts. By no means do I feel that I am above the others I have met in AA meetings. I most definitely can relate to all in terms of dealing with alcoholism. I'm struggling with the thought of distancing myself from current enablers and influencers in exchange for a lonely existence. I understand that AA is not a social club. However, it would be nice to watch a football game with buddies or go out to dinner with a woman. Since I decided to quit drinking, I have lived in obscurity primarily because I don't want to be around people that drink. I even bailed on a date (I told her that I had a stomach ache) for the same reason. These may seem like minor sacrifices to some, but to me, such simple interactions are significant. Perhaps, I took those things for granted in the past. Maybe the loss of such interactions serves a greater purpose. In my case, the most difficult part of recovery is dealing with the loneliness. Right now, things are really bad because I am not working. A job would at least provide some social interaction in a safe environment (i.e. one free of alcohol). Any suggestions on productively passing the time until things change or I feel better?