Becoming Humble

[temlin3]

Hello everyone.

It's been quite awhile since I last posted here. A lot of stuff has happened, good and bad, but I am here — still alive, and grateful for all of you. I really wanted to share my experience here, even though words cannot begin to express my feelings about it.

Two weeks ago, I went into the hospital for my out-of-control drug and alcohol use. I stayed there for about 12 hours, and then they transported me to a Detox Center/Rehab Clinic where I stayed for 13 days. They released me 2 days ago due to my lack of insurance. I'm going to the county office tomorrow to find out what kind of aftercare I am eligible for. I have attended 3 NA meetings (one each day) since I got out. I am striving for 90 meetings in 90 days.

I've been posting on SR for a few months, but I now realize that much of what I thought was crap. I've been in denial about so many things. Even now, I feel ignorant of my recovery. It took a locked-down facility and no using to make me realize what a problem my addictions are. I thought I had it in control, that I was recovering on my own without much outside help. But I was wrong. I have barely begun to recover.

While in rehab, I felt safe because I knew there was no way to use. Since I have gotten out, I feel scared all the time. It seems that now, more than ever, my mind is buzzing with thoughts of using. I am struggling, but I keep forcing myself forward. My counselor in rehab always said, "Put the body first and the mind will follow." So that's what I am trying to do.

Right now I don't have much more to say. I am still adjusting to what's happened and am trying to get over the shock of everything. I guess I just wanted to say hello to all of you and let you know I am still here.

I finally understand how important you all are in my recovery. We need each other to survive this disease. And I am so thankful to have you here.

Jennifer, a recovering addict with 15 days clean

[CarolD]

Fantastic!!

Blessings...

[dalin]

1)what fear did your relaps create?
2)what guilt did it bring?
3)what regret did it create?
4)what harm did you do to yourself?
5)what harm did you do to others?
6)what financial harm was done?
7)what relationship damage was done?
8)what did it do to your self esteem?
9)what damage was done to your relationship with God?
10)what other problems did your using create?
Read recovery and relapse every day for a month.
The chapter says a relapse means we are holding on to
Reservations.
11)what parts of the program are you not willing to trust?Can
you identify any reservations?
Often we find that our surrender only scratches the surface.Only
A full surrender works with this disease.Use this chapter as a guideline
Read

[dalin]

im glad you are here.
we truly need each other in this deal.
keep coming

[Arura]

Morning ((((Jen)))),. Its Fantatsic news darlin ....Congrats on going to re-hab...! Things are abit raw when you fist come out, arnt they...! but hold on to it now...! YOU ARE CLEAN...!

Yep it feels like your wrapped in cottonwool in re-hab ...ehy..!

But now your out n CLEAN...! Doing the 90, 90 is a great suplement n so is SR ...but after care is KEY...! I know that for some they can walk out first time round...n STAY clean....many carnt...! n have to do that over n over again...!

You now have the most amazing chance my darlin ....to hold on to that sobriety,...go to meetings make clean friends and signficanly change your life ....so YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN,! ....

Good luck with the after care ....keep us updated sweetie as its as you said we carnt do it alone...! we are here for eachother ...aswell as ourselves...!

I tryed that one for many years and all it did was put me in isolation...! From the fear ...! you can do it Jen ...you really can...!

Glad to hear from you Sweetie...

[51anna]

Hi Jen,

It's great that you're back and I'm glad you're taking positive steps with your addiction.

[Smyle]

welcome back Jen... I was wondering how you were.....keep posting....

~B

[temlin3]

Originally Posted by dalin

1)what fear did your relaps create?
2)what guilt did it bring?
3)what regret did it create?
4)what harm did you do to yourself?
5)what harm did you do to others?
6)what financial harm was done?
7)what relationship damage was done?
8)what did it do to your self esteem?
9)what damage was done to your relationship with God?
10)what other problems did your using create?
Read recovery and relapse every day for a month.
The chapter says a relapse means we are holding on to
Reservations.
11)what parts of the program are you not willing to trust?Can
you identify any reservations?
Often we find that our surrender only scratches the surface.Only
A full surrender works with this disease.Use this chapter as a guideline
Read

It's hard to answer all these questions... I never really fully surrendered and gave the program my all before. I did have some clean time, but it was short and in between some hardcore binges. My clean time was usually not on purpose either. I don't know how, but I made it through 14 years of active use without seeking help, until this year when I found SR. SR helped open my eyes to NA and addiction, and from there I have grown and learned quite a bit. Yet I was still ignorant of so many things.

Having an all-day program in rehab to attend with groups and meetings all day long really helped me understand what I couldn't before. I also realized how important other addicts are in this fight. I'm about to go to another NA meeting, the fourth in my "90 in 90." I honestly am not sold on everything, but I keep pushing myself to go. People talk about not leaving before the miracle happens... I hope to be able to continue what I've been doing. I hope to find a sponsor soon and start working the steps.

I can see how amazing this program is for people. I can see how people are staying clean and being happy. I still have some reservations... Am I really ready to stop using? Do I want to stop using? Is NA for me? Can I do this?... I just pray that by pushing myself forward I will be able to live sober and keep NA close.

Thanks.
Jennifer

[aasharon90]

Hi Jennifer...i too had to experience rehab ....lock down....to realize i wasnt in control any more....im glad i had that opportunity to stay in rehab to get that first 28 day start in AA....then outpatiant aftercare for 6 weeks....

I was scared like u, but most angry for what my family did for me....today however i am totally grateful for them doing for me what i couldnt do for myself.

I had my little family...2 little ones at the time in which i had and wanted to be there for them....see they were to release me originally from rehab after 2 weeks and then they said if they let me go i would surely drink...and they wanted to send me to a halfway house out of state away from my family.....well i begged them to let me stay in rehab and complete the 28 days followed by the intensive after care program....I had to do it or else...and i surely didnt want to be separated from my family again...i realized i had put my family thru enough hell and knew i had to take responsibility of my life now.....so i went to meetings and meetings and i listened and absorbed and got my sponsor...and baked for all my AA meetings and i continued till where i am today...16 yrs sober.

You sound exactly like me in wanting ur recovery yet u r scared...i hope u will see about ur aftercare program...until then go to ur meetings...go to different ones.....go thru the motions...like ur councilor said...bring the body and the mind will eventually follow....remember that as u will repeat that to a newcomer one day..... : )

[windysan]

It takes time to adjust. Sounds like you are doing all the right things.

[dalin]

that was a portion of a worksheet from the atlanta area.
it was good to see folks put the pin to paper right away before the rationalisation and justification started