When does the hurting & why questions STOP

[Rho]

Hey all,
Some know me some do not. I have not been on in a long while and when I got on it said something like " you have NOT been on in X amount of time post and share with all get involved again"

Well I wrote this in another site but I am pasting it here

It Sucks
More or less life OH SO SUCKS & URTS AT TIMES I/we batter ourselves with all the questions, all the
How comes
What if
Only if
Maybe next time
Is he for real
Does he really love me
Does he really want this to be the last high
will he get better
what did I do to make him this way
whay does he hate me and the kids like he does
what did I do so wrong that God is punishing me
why do me and the kids deserve this
what can I do to make it better
how can I help
how can I make the hurt go away
HOW, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY, FOR WHAT, HOW MUCH, WHEN R U COMING BACK, WERE U ALONE, WHO IS SHE, R U SURE SHE IS JUST A GET HIGH FRIEND.

GOD WHEN WILL LIFE GET BETTER????

All you know when life will get beter! When we put ourselves 1st, if you STOP using for you to please you and ONLY U, get you life together for you and make something of your self and move on.

I HAVE BEEN DRUG FREEEEEEEEE SINCE 2/21/04 & VERY F-ING PROUD OF MYSELF!!!!! IT HAS BEEN HARD BUT WORTH IT!!!!

You can do it. I am doing it. **** it is hard I still beat myself up mentaly and emotionaly thinking should I really do what I am doing, but then I look at the nwhole picture and yes I am.

I am Lonely Scared Confused!!! I see my AH manipulating the system, the cops **** his PO he is going to college to better his life for me and the kids and becasue he is a recovering addict the state is paying for him to go to college and go to school be a councler for recovering addicts, but yet he is STILL USING, WON"T work to pay child support lives at home ith his mommy & sister and has HER/them the church, the AA group people that he swindles for money to pay all his drug, beer cigs, gas, insuarance and lawyers fees.

No wait his lawyer is free U know why becasue he owed his lawyer 4k and he was not paying so the lawyer did NOT want to represent him and my AH wrote a sad convincing letter to the BAR association saying how his was misled, mis guided aled under FALSE ideas and presentation and the BAR brought charges against the lawter he has for family court and the lawyer got mad at my AH ands he said this is all lies dud YOU HAVE TO AND NEED TO DROP the charges, my AH soon to be EX said look I'll drop them but YOU HAVE TO REPRESENT ME & FOR FREE. He did and is, only for me......

to have paid OVER 21K in lawyer fees since we split in feb 2004. I do not have not child support single mom work my ass off and we ask why do they hurt us. WHy becasue my stupid ass allows it tot happen my ENTIRE FAMILY STOPPED talking to me untill just recentally because I kept forgiving me having sex with him givinghim money for stuff, but yet he has donenothing but F me over lie, hurt abuse, make false police reports on me got out of all 7 FALSE arrests, got all 12 CPS reports closed unfounded! And this is a man that does not understand why I want the divorce and to move on, but I am scared to meet anyone maybe I deserve all the hell I am going through.

I just feel bad for our 4 year old son we have I have SOLE custody and have had it he has supervised visits but by his mom and that is NO HELP. I have a GREAT JOB, a car, live with my parents to feel a little safer, and shoot I have to get up at 5am to go to then gym then work and it is now 2:20am I am screwed

God please help me please I begg you to please give me peace in my life for the kids sake?????

Sorry for rambling but I am lost, loney, scared, confused. People say I DESERVE so much better but if that is so why amd I going through this alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

~Rho~



__________________
~Rho~

[c'est la vie]

((((((((((((((((((((Rho)))))))))))))))))))))
I have no idea why you have to suffer this way. I hope things finally become clear to you and you are able to get this man out of your life and never look back.

[Rho]

((C'est la vie ))

Thank you. I am trying I know my family WISHES that I would have walked away LONG ago. Scarry thing is I just turned 32, known of my soon to be EX AH since I was around 3, grew up 1 town apart, I had a crush on him growing up, I'd see him and get all silly like "Oh my di you see him, did ya', did ya'" went to seperat high schools he always had the clean cut GQ look to him, about 5'10", blond hair, blue eyes, a killer of a smile and an athletic build. we ran into each other at a club when I was like 17 and we kissed and I was so happy and syked that when I got home at like 3am I ran upstairs woke my mom just to tell her and he was like "YEAH AND YOUR POINT IS". we grew up in seperat directions I moved out of NY when I was 21 came home for a wedding when I was 27ish ran into him, and when I went back to MD where I had moved to I called up to NY to search him out and I had WAY WAY to many people tell me RHO NO DON'T get involved he is a drunk and a huge CRACK HEAD! I didn't believe it, I c=got his number I was messing with coke on a social level her and there in MD and well me and my amost EX AH talk long disanced I though I fell in love, he told me all a girl would want to hear pluss I grew up having a crush on him, cam home to visit a few times then Quit my GREAT JOB in DC, came home dated him got pregnant, got an apartment, with me footing most the bill at this point got Married Memorial Day weekend 2002 had our son 8/2002 went back to work his drug use was bad then he started pushing on me and after a while I gave in after being COKE FREE FOR OVER A YEAR, then things were getting worse had a new born at home my 11 yr old daught at that time at home, he was NOT working for every dumb reason under the sun, clouds, rain, stars and so forth, then cops got involved, he screamed at me a lot especially when I WOULD NOT give him crack money and then on 1/17/03 I was getting ready to go file for a legel seperation and on 1/16/03 I was hiding him from the cops, rushing around to get money to get him in a rehab then get to work then BOOM 7:21am on 1/16/03 I was hit head on by a truck BABY WAS FINE THANK GOD, I flat lined 3 times airlifted to hospital 1st surgor of many was 18-1/2 hours long, and then spent 6 months in the hospital had to learn to read write walk and talk all over again, was in a coma and the sick freakin thing was my husband was MIA on crack binges while the Drs were in search for him to sign medical consent forms, my parents ended up having to take and get power of attorny over me, then he out of spite took my sone from my entire family, begged e for money cwhile recovering in the hospital, convinced me that MY ENTIRE FAMILY way lyingt o me about me goingto get a legel seperation from him on 1/17/03 but then I had my car wreck on 1/16/03.

You know they say GOD lets things happen for a reason well what is the reason. I do know I have become stronger after all this I went through HELLL for 7 months afteri got outof the hospital but I won't waste your or anyone elses time over

GOD BLESS
I ned to get to sleep it is 3:12 am and I have to get up by 5:30am forthe gym. Because I am a strong woman that was told I would NEVER WALK, read write, walk, drive work go to thegym NONE of that ever again, well I fell into a crack slump with my husband and I am NOW CLEAN AND SOBER AND VERY PROUD OF IT AND so is my kids and family, my AH hatesme for it, but when he gets better he will be happy I did it NOT only for me but for my kidsand **** I have a GREAT JOB AS PROJECT ADMIN LEVEL III and a VP of Operations asistant.

LOVE YA
RHO

P.S. that felt good to get that ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OUT

[StrongR2Day]

Oh my gosh, you really have been through the wringer, haven't you?

I'm so glad you are clean today.

Glad you are here at SR. You are a very strong woman!

[OnceNice]

Clean and going through so much. You should be proud. I am proud of you. Hope I get a month.

[laurie6781]

Rho, the reason is simple when you look now, you have that BEAUTIFUL 4 YEAR OLD!!!!

The rest of it, well......................are you getting any therapy for your codependency? Are yo getting any therapy so you can grow and change and get past this.

And please remember something else. There is a saying "What goes around comes around." another is "What you give out you get back threefold." Well, I found those 2 to be very true for this alkie. My first several years sober were sure not the greatest, far from it, but they were still better than when I had been drinking and using. Slowly as all that bad karma, came and went, and I continued to grow and change in sobriety, I started get 'good karma' back.

It was so strange, I cannot tell you when it started or when I really noticed it, but I did notice that my life was calming down, the chaos seemed to be leaving and my stress levels were down.

Keep doing for you and your child and work on you. It will get better. Posting on a site like this helps a lot. Also, daily journalling can help a lot.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care!

Love and hugs,

[nogard]

Hi Rho,

Sounds like you have had a rough time, but that you know wat to do. I find that recovery is a gift but not easy. I don't ask why much anymore as I have experienced that recovery works if I work it and that whatever I am going through is transitory, it passes.

Take care and good fortune to you.

Kevin