In Desperate need of Help...Opiate addiction

[codi32574]

Hello everyone,
I've been lurking here for weeks now, and decided it's time to share my story. I'm a stay-at-home mom to 2 little boys, and have been addicted to opiates for approximately 6 years. I was given Vicoden after my first son was born and became addicted soon after. I couldn't believe the first time I realized I was physically addicted....I was not supposed to be an addict. (I've learned since than that addiction, like any other disease, does not care who you are...it can happpen to anyone.) But that was a long time ago, and have since become quite intimate with my addiction, going from vicodin to oxycontin and I am so embarrassed to say snorting heroin for the past year. I've lived a double life for so long, being a PTA mom during the day and driving car pool to soccer practice, while trying to score in the worst part of town at night. I've have periods of over a year where I've worked the 12 steps, had a sponser, and enjoyed a clean sober life in recovery. A year and a half ago I was charged with forging a prescription, something I never would have thought I'd do....I am so disgusted with the person I've become, I know being an addict isn't my fault, but I am responsible for my recovery and I want it more than anything. I'm currently on day 2 of home detox and feel like I'm dying...my husband is trying to help but really thinks that I did this to myself and should deal with the consequenses. This is true, I did pick up and use, but I'm trying and I feel completely alone. Everyone here seems so supportive, and I could use a little incouragement. For all the stay at home parents out there, how did you manage through wd's? Any advice would be soooo greatly appreciated. Thanks. Codi

[chloe06]

Hi codi,

I know I have responded to you before but just wanted to let you know I am here, I guess I can call myself lucky because although my husband was discusted with me initially he has taken over the last 3 weeks. I also have a long history of opiate abuse and have been hospitalised twice for detox, it wasnt an option this time. I lived in the UK the times this happened before so I had the support of my family and private health insurance...I am now in Australia and have no family and no health insurance so I am doing this on my own. I have made it to day 14 and I have done this by being around my family, I havent managed to do day to day things but I have sat with them and not isolated myself and that has helped pass the time...because that is the only thing that will help...time...each day is very long but they do go by and hopefully with each day I feel a tiny bit better.

[Ngokpa]

Guilt doesn't help. It's a disease; it just happens to take your mind along for the ride. Yes there will be people who think we intentionally decided to make ourselves miserable, but they don't know any better. Addiction goes against conventional thinking because chemistry drives so much of what we think.

I would get to some meetings at the very least. A lot of people need something in- or out-patient. It can be done otherwise (though many can't manage it), but you have to believe the changes your body is going through and do what ever it takes to get support, especially since denial is so cunning, baffling, and powerful.

Hang in there! One day at a time, one hour or minute at a time. Please?

[Chrissy28]

What is 3 day detox compared to the rest of your life? I shoulde be dead. My x, also a herion shooter, saved my life 3 times. So, when I was detoxing, I would think of the times that I could have died. That makes it worth it to me.

Just think you are hald way through it. You don't want to go through this again. NO, I know you don't. The hi isn't worth it. You are almost through it. The first day is the worst. Take some benadryl, yes allergy medicine. Two. It will help you sleep.

Your husband just doesn't know how to respond. He's probably hurting, balaming himself and taking it out on you. Honestly, only you can do this. You can't depend on anyone else that can't relate. I might be wrong here, but when you are expressing how you feel to him you are opening yourself up for him to respond negative. You don't need the negativity. Nobody wants to be kicked while their down. I know it sound crazy, try taking a very hot bath and reading a book. The hot bath will sooth the aches and pains; reading will take your mind off of it.

[Phinneas]

Welcome to SR, codi32574. We're glad you're here!

Yes, withdrawing is tough no matter where, when or how much support you have. Doing it with kids is harder, no doubt about it. Can you think of it like you have a really bad case of the flu and get some help with the kids for a week or so? Hot baths, Ibuprofen and exercise with help, but it just takes time. After the worst of the physical is over comes the insomnia and depression, so it would be good to get some help and support. I hope you do go back to NA or AA. You will find lots of support there - especially in the woman's meetings.

Hang in there and keep posting, ok? I am cheering you on!

[codi32574]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess there are times when the addict in me thinks of a million reasons to feel sorry for myself. Wd's stink, but It's really weird how much more focused I am to stop this insanity. I keep thinking that although I might still feel a little sick I will be able to take my son to school this week CLEAN, and not worrying about where/how to get more pills. Plus, I can see the difference in my kids a little already. My son said to me he wished I wasn't sick so much, that hit home to me and I Know I can do this. I have been emotionally absent from them lately, and even though I'm cranky from the wd's I've been here for them. As soon as I feel a little better, I will get over my ego and attend AA, or maybe an alternative program. Day 4 to begin this afternoon, so I suppose maybe I'll be turning the corner. Thanks to all!! Codi

[gettingbetter32]

Codi - just wanted to say hi and that I am dealing with some of the same issues as you and it does get better. Every day for me gets a little better. Your attitude shines through on your post - and being "ready" is already half the game completed.
I have 2 children as well - and had it in my head that I was actually doing better with them when on something. My 4 yr. old is autistic and my excuse was needing them so I could have more patience, energy and be more focused during his daily therapy. What a load of ........
Then one day I woke up and realized I'm slowly killing myself, and who will watch him then?
I'm so glad you're on the road you are - just know it will get better, and this site has been a HUGE support for me. Everyone here is amazing. Can't wait to read your future posts on how you're doing, and hopefully we can do this together!!!!

[ventuhome]

Codi- welcome to SR! Something for you to do when you cant sleep is come on here and read thru the threads. Especially the ones down at SUbstance Abuse and NA. There are other people trying to kick Narcotics that are on the thread "Hydrocodone.." and they have left good advice for the physical symptoms and what to expect. My experience is that of my sister-in-law's, she was a stay at home mom who got hooked on Hydrocodone. She got arrested for Prescription forgery, but went back to doing it and got arrested again. And again. Finally she got arrested by the cops in Camarillo, where the median price of a home is over $780,000. They dont like people coming into their town to buy drugs even at a drug store, so they threw the book at her. She's been in jail for 3 months now. I've been raising her 4 year old autistic son. She's missed Mother's Day, Father's Day, her son's birthday, and her husband's birthday so far this year. She also missed her son's first sentences, his first time in the pool, and his beginning to swim. But she does have 3 months clean now and we pray it will continue when she gets out. My suggestion to you is to go back to NA and AA, and also get some back-up for caring for your kids and house for the next week or so. Your husband can help by buying groceries, filling your car with gas, and holding your money and credit cards while you detox. Also watching the kids when you go to NA. How about asking him to set the money you would have used for drugs aside, and when you have many weeks clean, go on a weekend vacation? Please stay sober for yourself and your family.

[codi32574]

Ventuhome-I can really relate to your sister's situation. Thank God that I learned from my issues with the law the first time. When I got caught forging a script, I'd never even had a speeding ticket before. I think daily about missing so many things in life if I continue to use and go to jail. But I also realized, finally, that I was missing things in my kids' lives anyway because of the drug use. I guess I knew this all along but denial is a great enabler. I'm still hanging in here, and reading posts from other people is very helpful in passing time, at least I'm not staring at the clock watching the minutes drag by. I just keep telling myself that this time next week at least most of the physical symptoms will be gone. It's funny, I keep seeing commercials for shows that premier next week, and think, by the time I watch those shows I won't be crawling out of my skin...at least I hope. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better than today.

[codi32574]

gettingbetter32, I read your posts from when you began posting while I was lurking, and could relate to your story a lot. I used my kids as the excuse not to get clean so many times, even though I would lay on the floor and cry because I wanted to be clean so badly. But I would convince myself that I couldn't go through wd's and be sick because how would I take care of them. It was a vicious cycle. I'm just sick and tired of spending everyday consumed with how to get more, and living my life as a slave to addiction. I want to wake up in the morning and not have to worry about anything but staying clean, and the usual mom stuff that nonaddicts worry about...bills, what to make for dinner, soccer practice. I want to live again, and I want my kids to have their mom back. Still, any advice about how you dealt with your kids when you were going through wd's would be appreciated. Thanks.

[51anna]

It's very hard to look back and really take a hard look at what we've done while actively addicted. But, use that as motivation to move forward and continue on your journey. And, keep reading and posting.

[VegasAddict]

I would love to chat with you or email you... I am a mom that is addicted to Opiates (hydrocodone). Chatting or email sound good to you? I could use the friendship.... I am alone in this.

[gettingbetter32]

Codi,
it's definately not easy to start recovery when you have kids to watch. Everyone handles it differently, depending on their own situation. I can share what I did - chances are it won't help you much - but it may provide a little encouragement.
My daughter is 14 and the last two weeks she's been staying at friends places, going to carnivals etc. - trying to get it all in before school starts! Also at that age she's pretty self sufficient.
My son is 4 and a completely different story. He's the main "excuse" I had for not getting clean, and probably my biggest one for getting clean all at the same time. He goes to therapy all day for autism, that left me the day to lay in bed, feel sorry for myself, and lots of hours to get a "few" things done. And I mean "few" - especially the first few days. The evenings and week-ends - well - this may sound horrible but keep in mind the goal I was trying to reach - being autistic he will go off by himself for hours. We never let him have too much alone time, he has to be made to interact - but almost all the first week I took advantage of that - and he played computer and video games the majority of the time he was home. I figured it was either go off the therapy for a couple days, or lose his progress completely because he had an addicted mother who couldn't care for him. I chose the couple days.
I'm just getting into 2 weeks, but everyday is better, and we're almost back to our normal routine. I still have a lack of energy, but am able to make myself get things done - and a week ago I couldn't do that.
What you might try though, and what keeps helping me - is to remind myself constantly of that first week, and the fact that I NEVER want to do it again.
I don't have a close family - or many friends, and no-one ever takes my son, but if you have support that could help you for the times you are really tired, that might help.
I apologize for the long post - I hope you got something out of it. If not - I at least got to get that all off my mind, because I've been feeling very guilty about the way I did it, but I didn't see any other way.
thanks
have a great night!!

[codi32574]

Good morning all...well hopefully it will be a better morning than night. I feel like if I could just get some sleep I'd feel so much better. Today will be end of day 5, beginning day 6 and I still feel like day 3. The anxiety and heart palpatations are the worst. I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest sometimes. Did anyone else have that with WD's, I mean is it normal?

School is starting today, and at least I can get my son ready and send him off on his first day as a clean and sober parent...something awesome to be said about that! Thanks for all the support, there are lots of times I just want to give up and take something just to be able to sleep. But so far I'm hanging on. Reading these boards is just about the only thing keeping me sane right now.

[chloe06]

Hi Codi,

Yes the palpitations/anxiety types symptoms are very extreme in the first week...I still have trouble going to bed and when I first wake up but it does get better...I am wishing for sleep too. Have a bad head tonight so I am going to bed earlier than normal...also have to take the kids to school for the first time in 3 weeks tomorrow...funny how little things seem so big right now...I did cook dinner tonight too so that is some progress.
take care and stay in touch.