Standards we try to live up to

[Candy Scratch]

In doing my mental accounting (Why do I want to drink...why do I not want to drink...what is wrong with me that I can't stop drinking...) I realized that one of the reasons I drink is that I stress out too much by what I think people are thinking about me.

With all of my pets & kids, I KNOW my house is messy. I try very very hard to keep messy clean, but sometimes I just can't keep up.

I am mortified by the fact that I cannot keep my house as clean and tidy as I would like it. OK, messy even I can handle, but I simply shudder to see so much dirt. And there is dirt. The golden retriever sheds like crazy and occasionally, no matter how frequently I vaccuum, I see a tumbleweed of fur blow across the floor. Usually when a guest is visiting. I tried holding dinners by candlelight, but you can only futz by so much.

I am the single Mom of three daughters. Can we say "Hair in the shower"? Yikes. It's so gross. I have had to unclog the drain with some kind of ultra-super-duper de-clogging chemical that I really wish I never even knew about. It worked, but why does it have to happen so frequently??

I do understand I'm a bit of a perfectionist and that this sort of thing just kills me, but I do want to keep a clean and hygienic home for my kids to grow up in! Not sure that is happening -- especially since Mama Cat (Madeline, mother of four) just brought a LIVE MOUSE into the house about 20 minutes ago. When I saw it, I confess, I screamed. The flipping cat DROPPED the mouse, which ran behind my stereo (70s Stereo with gigantic speakers and three separate components-- lots of hiding places...). Argh.

So, seriously, every time I really try hard to stop drinking, I face the music above and get so depressed or ridden with angst, I end up going to the liquor store. Or I tell myself drinking WILL NOT HELP and won't change anything and then the VOICE comes back and tells me not to be silly. I know that I am making excuses. A friend said that maybe I'm just not ready. But, I feel I AM ready. I'm just so confused by my mind battling my heart or something else within me...

So disappointed with myself,
Candy Scratch

[Dreamz]

Don't be too dissappointed - this is what the disease involves. We know deep down that it won't help, it's not good for us, but the disease makes us feel that we need that little bit. It makes us think that we aren't strong enough to fight it - BUT WE ARE!!! You are always ready to be sober - you can never be 'not ready'!!!!

Stay as strong as you can - just one day at a time!!!

[Candy Scratch]

Thanks Dreamz. You really are a dream, you know? ((((hugs))))

CS

[hector]

OK, gently now... thanks for your post on the Fallgirl thread... you know I'm trying to be helpful.... How old are your girls? Do they have chores? Do they lose privileges if they don't do them? Who cleans up after the pets? Who does the dishes? Who sweeps the floor? Who takes out the garbage? Who folds the laundry? I hope you're not their housekeeper. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

I read somewhere, "I used to worry what people thought of me... until I found out they weren't thinking of me at all." Everyone's much too busy with their own lives to spend much time meddling in yours.

How close do you watch your friends' housekeeping? They come over to see you, not your house. Unless it's really outrageous, no one notices how clean your house is or isn't. And if I went to visit a single mother with 3 kids, a dog and 5 cats, I'd be scared spitless if her house was too clean! And if she obviously needed help, I'd pitch in and tidy up!

I hope this helps. Sobriety is essential. A spotlessly clean house isn't.

[Lollipop]

CS

I can totally relate! I have severe OCD and have been known to sit an cry because I feel so over whelmed when it comes to my house. Now mind you, I have a small 3 bedroom home.....with 6 people, a 130# rottweiler and 2 cats living in it! To say we are basically on top of eachother is an understatement. Especially with 2 boys (12 and 13), all their friends in and out, and my Dad sitting at my diningroom table drinking and smoking all day. (this man will NOT walk the 6 steps to the trashcan to through away his empties)

One thing I have learned though is to take a step back and start small. To try to get everything done at once is an unrealistic goal! Pick one or two things and get them done.....for instance, "today I will vaccume and dust the livingroom." Then once it is done, if you feel up for it, move to something else, if you dont, stop and look at what you did get done instead of what you need to get done. It is a great insentive to move to something else.

Focus on getting things to the way you want them, NOT how you think others would want them to be. Most people couldnt care less about how your home looks and arent judging you at all, this is your thinking.

In the meantime, as hard as it is to fight that evil voice, remember, rather you drink or not, things still will need to be done but at least if you dont drink, you will have the motivation to work on it. Stay strong, you can do this!!!


Love Liss

[one of]

Hi Candy,

I'm not normally a "Bigbook Thumper," but on page 468 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous [Fourth Edition] a lady writes: "In the chapter, 'How It Works,' in the Big Book, I was shown some questions. The answers to these questions provided me with knowledge about my reactions to the conditions in my life. Every response to every resentment, real or imagined, had been sick and self-destructive. I was allowing others to control my sense of well-being and behavior. I came to understand that the behavior, opinions, and thoughts of others were none of my business. The only business I was to be concerned with was my own! I asked my Higher Power to remove from me everything that stood in the way of my usefulness to Him and others, and to help me build a new life."

As to hector's input, which was right on, I would add that the way I heard the same idea was, "You wouldn't worry nearly so much about what other people thought of you if you knew how seldom they did."

Love and Blessings, Chuck

[scootinbabe]

{{candyscratch}}
i hear ya!

are the "big" things getting done? you know, the things that really matter: are you staying sober, do your kids know that they are loved, are you eating, sleeping, staying healthy? if you know that the true foundations of your life are steady, take comfort in that. scr@w the worries about cleaning and what other people think. it's exhausting and self-defeating. we can never maintain a clean house--i'm sorry, i really don't think you can if you have kids and pets. well, you might if you have no other life besides cleaning, but is that healthy? it's normal to have some chaos. and true friends don't care about that kind of stuff.

it sounds like you are doing fine. don't beat yourself up and stay sober.

put on the candlelight and enjoy the glow.

and maybe the mouse will eat the crumbs so you don't have to vacuum as much ;-)

[Candy Scratch]

Thanks so much for some new perspectives here. You are all so awesome - you make me feel so good inside.

I really shouldn't obsess as much as I do about the state of the house - but like you, Liss, I just can't help it sometimes. The kids do chores and help out a great deal with the pets, yet I still have to hound them quite frequently and I don't like to be a nag all of the time.

I love that quote, Hector. "I used to worry what people thought of me... until I found out they weren't thinking of me at all." That's an excellent thought to file away for reference when I start worrying again.

LOL about the mouse eating the crumbs! Still no sign of the little critter, but the cats are all arranged in front of the stereo.

You are all so right - at this stage of my life, housecleaning sure isn't a number one priority. True there is chaos and kids (and kids' friends) and the zoo coming and going, but you know what - there is also much laughter and many hugs that go with the sticky fingerprints. That's the most important thing, right? I'm going to have to keep re-framing my thoughts to stop myself from stressing so.

Love you guys for helping me see that!
Candy Scratch