courage2

That's a good point. For me it was the 4th step in particular that showed me some really sick and self-reinforcing patterns in my behavior, that I'd been in big denial about. To take responsibility that a person might have one or two bad experiences of a certain type, but when the same thing happens over and over again, it's time to admit your part in it.

I need a fresh brain. This one has gone dry.

Del, don't let the squirrels take over the attic. & don't live by lists -- it's not a path to serenity.

Delizadee

Thanks courage.

I just do a lot of talking out my rear. Still trying to figure out this stuff. I don't have the memory retention to not live by lists. Or at least lean on them fairly heavily. It gives me a sense of accomplishment when I check things off.

I'd like to just throw all of it out right now, and just check out. I just feel ragged guilty and full of shame. Just a freak stupid accident on my daughter's birthday, everything was going great until it wasn't and I was holding a screaming, bloody boy's body in my arms with my hand pressed to the side of his face that had been slashed open by the pole my son accidentally sent flying right at him.

I feel awful.
And I really, really want this feeling to go away but it feels like keeping it or letting it go is selfish either way.

Awful.
I really, really hope and pray he's ok.

Delizadee

Thank GOD I WAS and AM SOBER.

Gilmer

Wow, Del! When will you know his status?

JL2014

Del, I got 3 boys.
Accidents do happen, yes it bothers me a lot when kids get hurt.
You- were- sober. There's no winding up of drama towards the drink, or the horrible coming down from the hangover, fog, sickness, remorse, etc. I'm glad you're sober now and handled the situation however you did.
- however you handled it is better, BETTER, than if you'd been drinking.
Good Job !
Let us know how it's going.

stargazer016

Thank goodness you were and are sober Del. Things happen quickly in life, especially with kids, and you have to be mentally nimble. Praying that the boy recovers quickly.

Delizadee

Thanks for the support guys... I'm going to text her this morning and see if I can't find out how he is doing. I didn't want to intrude last night.

I'm not really dealing with it in a healthy manner, but whatever. I'm not drinking. The selfishness is just inside, I'm beating the hell out of myself mentally. I think I will feel better after I hear from her.

My neighbours were up partying the WHOLE night last night and are still at it.

I don't really understand, I guess maybe I'm not meant to. I believe you get what you put out there in life so I guess I have a lot to work on.
I'm surrounded by things that feel chaotic and fill me with fear and shame and guilt and anger and frustration and I JUST want to duck and run and hide. Things I can't control or don't want to deal with.

Meh. It is what it is. Yesterday is gone. Just gotta deal with today.

stargazer016

Del, have you ever tried meditation or yoga? I used to do both many years ago and it helped to focus me when my mind was racing in all directions. I would like to try meditation again if I can find some quiet time when I'm not exhausted.

Gilmer

I heard someone say just a couple days ago that some days just making it through is the biggest accomplishment imaginable!

Dee once said something like, "Sometimes just getting through sober is enough--it doesn't have to be graceful."

Be kind to yourself.

I hope you hear from the mom soon. I wouldn't be able to relax, either!

courage2

Del, I don't think anyone would be able to relax in your situation. But you were sober and you were 100% there -- imagine, though it's horrible to imagine -- the same thing with a passed-out drunk mom.

You say you believe that you get what you put in. But bad things happen to good people, and nothing can stop that. "Putting in" is putting effort into yourself mentally, physically, socially, and spiritually, so that you won't be beaten down by bad things but will grow through them.

You're already doing that, I think. You raise your head up here every day, even when you'd rather not. That's strength.

Gilmer

Hear, hear!

Delizadee

Thanks guys, yeah I get what you're saying courage.
I texted the boy's mom this morning to see how they are all doing.
He is doing good, he got 8 stitches and the dr said it should heal nicely.
And don't worry about it accidents happen.

I'm glad he's doing good. I feel some relief.
I just can't stop the looping video in my head of it. Picking apart every stupid little step that led up to it. Thinking it took out his eye. The relief and horror looking down at his face and seeing both eyes through all the blood. The total powerlessness I felt.

I am really not ok. I don't know if I'm just really, really overreacting or if I am having some PTSD reaction to bringing up that accident from 5 years ago that the little boy died in, I don't know I don't know. Flashback to drinking near-accidents?
I can't reconcile my feelings with the event itself.
I feel like I almost killed the kid.
And I wasn't even the one swinging the stick.

The most unsettling thing is that we were taking turns snapping pics with my cell. One of the girls snapped one of my son swinging, the stick flying and just a split second before it hit him in the face. The streak of the stick right beside his face... all of us with smiling faces.

Gilmer

That's horrible, Del.

I certainly understand why this has hit you so hard.

Keep writing it all out. I know writing helps me quantify emotions so I can assess them.

Even if I can't make them stop haunting me, assessing them makes me feel better somehow.

I will be praying for peace for you.

courage2

((Del))

Don't expect something like that to vanish instantly from your mind & heart. If it did you'd be a sociopath. I don't think your shock is an alcoholic thing --it's a human thing. You'll just have to ride it out.

Hooray that the little boy is ok! How's your son feeling about it?

FBL

Del.

Delizadee

My boy feels like crap and is feeling too bad to go outside, he's worried they'll never forgive him. He feels very sorry and badly.

I got most of my head crap out. I will be fine, I saw the boy standing at his door through my door window. He was smiling and looked good. So that was good.

In other news, Still not going to drink today.

Thanks I like that quote, Dee and his wise words.
I just accept that head is a mess and I am a mess and it is what it is until I do something about it.

I'm going to wipe my schedule clean and give notice to all the parents at the beginning of September. Going to take a leap of faith, I am miserable doing this, my difficult child got checked out by her dr and he said she is "normal, just pushing boundaries and is very spirited" or however he put it.
TOTALLY disagree. I don't want to watch her anymore. I got a text this morning that was tantamount to me not supervising her properly.
I wanted to tell her I do my best, I have to hover over her if I am to supervise her properly I suppose, and that she is an ill behaved child with really bad behavioural issues and she is completely incapable of following rules.
I don't want to deal with it anymore.

So much for my resolution not to complain.

Can somebody tell me if this is an over aggravated case of PAWS?? Is this a normal 6 month period thing?

Delizadee

Let me add, I am still fighting the cowardice of not being able to face up to and deal with my problems proactively. And maturely. And responsibly.

courage2

Ummm.... Del, all I can say is if it feels like real sucky stuff in life to you and you're not going to drink, then it's real life.

On the other hand, if things start to feel unreal, like if you tell people in complete honesty what you're doing or thinking of doing, they look a little scared on your behalf -- that's a warning sign.

When I had 9 months, I started opening bottles that weren't mine just to smell the liquor. I'd take a whiff of vodka and then go eat olives LOL. I was doing other stuff too. And I started planning out ways that I could go on a secret spree.

It's only you who knows how honest you are on SR. If you're making self-destructive back-pocket plans, or can't work or care for yourself or your children -- it doesn't matter if it's PAWS or something else, you should talk to your doctor.

At my end, I'm a little sad tonight. I took my nest of nymphs out tonight because 2 of them are flying away next week. I'll miss them!

JL2014

Del, it was pretty bad for me at 6 months. Everything scared the hell out of me. Working a program of recovery changed everything for me. Until I did the things it called for and did them repeatedly, I slowly am beginning to look for the "next right thing" to do in my life. Hit or miss on living right, but it's ALL sober so it's a good life to live, for me.
I hope so much it'll get that way for you
BTw..... most of my days are non graceful , but I'm thankful.

gleefan

Del - Hugs!!

There is no single set of protracted withdrawal symptoms that all people experience. We all have such different experiences under the influence and once we get sober.

It sounds more basic to me - that you don't like what you do for work.

For me, getting sober opened my eyes to a whole bunch of things that were not a fit, from friendships, to my job, to the dynamics of my marriage.

These revelations left me feeling jumbled and disjointed. I found it helpful to keep several journals simultaneously. I used the notes section of my phone and has a different note open for each topic. This way as my mind raced from one topic to another I could write it all down in its respective section and return to each section when I was ready to focus on that area. Physically organizing it helped me organize my thoughts, and I used a lot those journals for my fourth step.

I wrote on SR too. I kept to small, deep, soft, respectful corners of SR like this thread. I love and respect my sober buddies here and rely on you for support, feedback and constructive advice.

I would be suspicious if you said you had it all figured out, and disinterested in what you had to say. Lol. I find your honesty interesting. Your insights help me see myself more clearly.

Sending focused, centering vibes your way.