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Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 10 |
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It can't be that bad Nands. :) Was thinking that these past 2.5 months have geven me more insight into myself than any other period of sobriety. The Great Leap Forward. The leap I needed. No longer wanting to erase the past but no longer allowing it to control me. Can't change it, just change me. Think about me. That'd be a first. AA put forward the same I think, but, "you can take what you need.....and leave the rest". Have always wanted to Read Victor Frankel's "Man's Search for Meaning" and his "The Unconscious God". and found both in the op shop. Am looking forward to reading them both. Don't know much about his Logotherapy though? Getting late might make hot milk and nutmeg. My love to all. xxx |
All is well here ... er ... at least at my house, not gonna speak for the rest of the country! What the heck is Logo Therapy ... do you like just do your therapy sessions in smileys? I tried to mow ... have to wait till there is some shade. Steely, I use a lot of the AA tools (even if I adjust them a bit to fit my needs). I even use the god word ... the saying "god's already got you" touches something in me that I understand. It is a phrase that I don't use lightly, but when I'm teetering on the edge of the cliff .... it sends me "home". For me it is the comfort and safety of the "unborn, uncreated, unformed. The deathless realm". I think of it as a grey space of total empty that holds everything. I remember it from when I was in the hospital and I can touch it in my heart when I look out at the sky. This is mostly stuff that my Buddhism taught me via Ajan Sumedo and then how I experienced it... Sorta hard for me to put in words. Wow .. that was a rant! I went off in a meeting the other day about how much I hate it when people say "I've never seen anyone too dumb to get sober, but I've seen people too smart to get sober" (sorta the forest gump version of sobriety requirements). Then I realized that as wrong as those words are ... to insinuate that if you are smart you can't get sober... Perhaps what they are trying to say is that you don't get sober through the intellect? I know that SMART and AVRT work for a lot of people and I use it some too ... but the key for me seems to be not from the intellect but from the heart (not quite sure "heart" is the right word). Well ... I'm nannering on and you need your sleep! Sleep well, dream well, and wake up refreshed! :grouphug: |
Good Morning Steely! :e058: :coaster :wavey: :funjump: :ValA006: |
Thanks Nands but I woke in a frenzy remembering that I had an appointment with my psychiatrist that I failed to keep. I thought it was for next month. I'll just have to phone today and apologise. Too much on my mind. I still remember a lot of the stuff from AA and use it as well. I guess, when I look back AA gave me the foundations for sobriety, or at least had me start thinking about alcohol and the impact it was having on my life. Nothing seemed to work for me, nothing. . It seemed to take my head getting kicked in so many times that I realised it for my dumb self. I got smart :lmao I suppose the foundations AA laid were always with me and though I would continually return to the research department I was always thinking about it. It couldn't be ignored. :headbange:a043: In some ways this makes sense in that sometimes smart people just might keep questioning and thinking. Pity about conceptualising, always good to see the finished product, or at least prototype. I am prototype :lmao I'm thinking this post might be lost and I'm starting to ramble so will close now and go make tea. Love to all |
I think we were designed to always be a work in progress! And since each of us is a unique individual snowflake ... each of us gets the honor of being a prototype too! :banana: :e106: :run :egg12: (Random smilies just because I can!:nana:) |
And I'm still trying to find out about Logo Therapy. I'll read the books, but don't know anything about the 'therapy' he developed. He had existential leanings says the preface. Maybe it means you get your own little logo printed in your head? Man, that's scary. My own logo. :scared: |
Okay checking in for tonight. Huge news: I will have a roomie from next month on!! It's one of the girls I met last night. She's my age, an illustrator and loved my place and my artwork. I made a huge tapestry (1.5x3 metres) and she was impressed by it which was nice to hear. She said she's quiet at home, tidy, has a BF back in Canada so she won't bring any men home. She shares my passion for baking. It seems like a good fit and I was thinking of renting out that room for a while now so I could make some money to go on holiday and pay off dept. Also I like the idea of having someone around. But now that it's all decided I feel slightly anxious. Or maybe just excited? I think it's both. I just worry a tiny bit that I won't be able to handle it. I told her my home is alcohol and drug free. It's nice to rent out to a friend of a friend and not a complete stranger. And it's just for 2 months. I still have my room to go to when I need alone time. I am really happy that I found someone without really having to look for someone. And I'm happy that I can help a friend of a friend. It helps to know that it's just for 2 months. I am still mostly excited and happy about this but little kev tends to panic about commitment and responsibility. I feel pretty stable in sobriety at the moment so I think it'll be fine. But then I worry just because i feel stable and it makes me wonder if I am complacent maybe? Sorry for rambling on about this. It's a big change and I feel this strange combination of excitement and fear. All together I had a great day today. I got up early at 8 with my BF, had cake for breakfast, met up with a Swedish girl who just moved to my city and was looking for people to hang out with. We went for a coffee (smoothie in my case) and randomly ended up in a Swedish cafe. We didn't even know it was Swedish until we saw the menu. I really enjoyed speaking Swedish again and had a lovely time. Then I went to a meeting which was great and bought some nice paper to make a card for my brothers wedding. My BF drew a portrait of the couple and the drawing will be on the card. I made them a matching set of mugs (well I didn't make the actual mugs but painted their names and wedding date and a pattern on them) in the colours of their wedding theme. I also spoke to my closest AA friend on the phone and I noticed how much talking to her does for me. Tomorrow will be the "getting to know each other's families" dinner and I'm really excited already. We'll go to a Greek restaurant and it'll remind me of when my BF and me went to Greece last summer. My dad will also come, which is great news. And then on Friday it's the wedding! Unfortunately the weather might be a bit chilly and rainy so I have to come up with a plan B for my outfit. I'll still wear a super fancy pair of designer shoes that I bought on sale some years ago and never felt brave enough to wear them. I will make sure to find some time for mindfulness, prayer and meditation in between all the excitement. And I'll probably read lots on here in between, although I might not find the time to post. But my thoughts will be with you. I love having SR in my pocket, accessible all the time and especially grateful for having you girls in this class. So happy I joined the nobenders :) thank you to all of you for making this class so special to me! I love you all! |
my favourite emoticon at the moment is :scared: |
The logo therapy looks really interesting. I read about it on wiki. the one thing that I keyed in on was Rollo May's critizism. I don't know that it is valid and would really like to try therapy like this one. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logoth...thoritarianism I have read a number of Rollo May's books and really like him. If you ever get a chance, give a try to "Freedom and Destiny". I love it! where I'm at right now (which is as likely wrong as right :lmao) is that I think that as human beings we are given the opportunity to create meaning out of nothing. It is a two edge sword, but has a place in our lives. I think the whole idea of having a life worth living (with purpose) is super key to what all of us are working on! I think I posted that ted talk that I liked ... it seems very related to how this therapy could really be good ... I'll post the link again in case I forgot to... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY9D...gFXsCnOB4K-Ap_ See you posted Kev ... gonna read it now! |
WOW Kev! :c011: It sounds like things are really going well to me and you sound so clear thinking! I like that you are doing the roommate for 2 months thing first. I think that is sorta like trying on a pair of shoes without having to buy them. I've been told that I should get a roommate who can help with bills, but I am not ready. Part for me is that it isn't working I would have to let them know to move :( I'm not good at that. Sometime I'll have to tell you about my drunken housekeeper, Rach. She became a real problem, but it was so hard to tell her she couldn't work for me. My best friend Connie and I tried really hard to help Rach get going longterm in sobriety. Unfortunately Rach died of this disease before the age of 50 :( well that was off topic!!! I'm really excited for you Kev! I think it is really great to have f2f friends ... in AA, in not AA, male female, sexual or platonic. It just adds to life. That isn't where my life seems to be right now, but sometimes it is and I am pretty ok either way ... well .. maybe a bit better with more solitude, definitely not ok with sexual and that is ok for me right now. OK .. My son needs some love .... |
Have just read all your posts and couldn't have put it more beautifully. Can't agree more kev, you sound absolutely wonderful, you can tell by the way you write. You are stronger, it's great. We are all getting stronger bit by bit. I hope everyone makes it out sober, and with life. :grouphug: I'm going to post a pic of one of those little ornaments I bought for a buck a go. He has a beautiful smile and very protective and he looked lucky to me as he lay in the dollar box. When I took him home someone had placed a one cent coin in him through a slit in his mouth. It's not a money box, and to remove any coins inside would mean breaking the ornament. Might just be lucky.:You_Rock_ |
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Maybe he's so lucky he won't put his face on the Internet. :lmao. |
Steelyyyyyyy...... "I'm going to post a pic of one of those little ornaments I bought for a buck a go. He has a beautiful smile and very protective and he looked lucky to me as he lay in the dollar box. When I took him home someone had placed a one cent coin in him through a slit in his mouth. It's not a money box, and to remove any coins inside would mean breaking the ornament." I have absolutely no clue as to what all of this means! Are you just having a scattered day or is my translator broke :headbange :lmao |
I've seen that TED talk last year, my BF showed it too me before I realised I had an addiction myself. I do like and agree with a lot of what he says but I think that he doesn't really count in the 'once an addict, always an addict' thing. Putting the physically addicted rat back to rat fun park would still make it go for the alcohol, even if there's friends and everything available now. Because the brain learned to choose alcohol over everything else. Also how I see it now isn't really that my rat cage made me become an addict. But my addiction kept me from building a rat fun park. I think my addiction isn't just the abuse of substances and dependence on them but also the way my brain perceives my surroundings. The way I feel and think. All of that needs to be changed. Not just my rat cage. Someone said in the meeting today that alcoholism is like a black curtain that distorts the image you see of your environment. It puts a negative filter on everything. Another good comparison I heard was alcoholism, or the AV, being like a popcorn machine: throwing all these little nagging thoughts, insecurities, lies and worries in your face, all day long. And as soon as we give in and believe that BS we're spinning around helplessly, trapped in our own negative minds. Sorry if I get too preachy about the AA stuff. It just really helps me and I wanted to share in case it's helpful for someone else. What I do like about this TED talk is what he says about how blaming and shaming addicts doesn't help anyone. I think I was guilty of that too, thinking that addiction was a self-made problem. That was only because I didn't know much about it and changed when I met my BF and he told me his story. Nands, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend Rach :( that must've been a horrible situation for you. I don't know either if I'm ready for a roomie or not but as you pointed out, the 2 months time frame is a good opportunity to test it. In case it's too much I can always stay more often at my BF's which is good. At the moment I feel like I am no longer just trying to cope with life sober but actually starting to create a life i like. I am making plans to go abroad for some months next summer when I hopefully graduate from university. I would love to go to northern Norway for the summer season and work in a hotel. I loved being there in summer when it never gets dark and the nature is amazing. Also you earn well there. I think chances to find something will be good cause I'm fluent in English, german and Swedish which also enables me to understand and communicate with Norwegians. And I would love to go to Africa and to some volunteer work for some weeks after that. And the best thing is, these plans are actual plans, that I thought through and not just (dry) drink ideas that have their roots in the desire to run away from life. I talked through this with my BF again and he now is supportive about it too and thinks it'll be good for my personal development. Whereas when I mentioned it before (out of the blue) he didn't like the idea at all and felt like I was running away from him. About personal relationships, I really enjoy them at the moment. My drinking made me socially isolated and I am so glad to be able to intensify old friendships and build new ones. I think I'm a much better friend now too. |
Steely, it's true I feel stronger. I think I even feel stronger than I ever did before. Cause this time my strength is build on me. Not on others, status, substances or anything. Grrrrrr... bad tinypic! I really wanted to see the ornament! :lmao I find it amazing how you always manage to find new treasures at that store (I assume it's the same you go to). I'm not patient enough to browse for long enough to find something nice. Or if I have the patience, I just get overwhelmed by all the stuff, so I almost never buy anything. I still feel happy about your son's reaction and knowing that you won't get kicked out filled my heart with relief and serenity. |
I haven't even read your last post kev. :headbange Will do so, but outside of that your earlier posts have shown you gaining strength with each stroke of the key. :scoregood More about your own needs, myself, :scared: and and my needs. I find that difficult. Knowing myself. Taking care of myself. Improving. :). But I really want it now, and I don't feel guilty about wanting. Well, I'm learning not to. I also missed your Good Morning post Nands. It was lovely. Good night Nands. Sleep tight. Going back to read posts, it helps. |
:thanksWow Kev! You so nailed it on so many things (for me) ..I think the most important part of the ted talk for me was about the concept that a "fun rat park" is helpful in maintaining sobriety. I feel like every day I am building a little more of my rat park as are all of us. Please share freely about AA! I know that sometimes I get pissy about some of my experiences that weren't good, but I also found a lot of good stuff there. The friendship I developed with Connie (who was a strong AAer and who helped me help others when I was doing well) was one of the most important relationships I ever had (she died of cancer some years back... not to be doom and gloom ... just we don't know a lot of things about each other yet). One of the KEY concepts in AA that I am 100 % behind no matter what is the miracle that occurs when one alkie/addict reaches out to another in recovery or helping newcomers as well...just I am the newby right now :lmao I think that sometimes my inability to let go of what was said and done around AA when Rach died and when Connie died with almost 30 years sober is a big reason I can't seem to get a groove in AA. Ajan Sumedo always says not to create your parents... I think that if I start creating AA in my head and add in all that past stuff it really hinders me in my recovery. that is just some stuff I've been thinking about. I sure hope I don't make mean AA comments too often cause you know what ... AA is the first place I tell people to try when they want to get sober... cheap, available, full of people.... The foundation of my sobriety was AA for a long time I just kept hitting some road blocks and found that I do better with my own little method. Everybody ... Share everything that helps you stay sober, build a rat cage, and enjoy a growing and wonderful life .... ok share the tears and fears as well ... otherwise I'll start to feel like I don't belong! :lmao :grouphug::grouphug: |
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