SoberLeigh

Me, too!

Goat

Ok.... it's time to tell you all what happened.

For the past 10-ish years, my doctor has been telling me to watch my blood pressure. She wanted to put me on blood pressure meds to get it under control long ago. I opted for diet and exercise. I stopped using tobacco. I did whatever I needed to do to get it lower without actually taking the pills.

Now, we're talking about blood pressure in the range of 150/90... so it wasn't exactly sky-high.

Fast forward to this past August. I started feeling.... not myself. I could not think clearly. I felt under stress too often and for no apparent reason.

As time progressed from then until now, it seemed to get a little worse every day.

By the beginning of this year, I started to feel like I was in a constant anxiety attack.... like I was actually under attack at all times.

I started to research anxiety disorders to find out if anything fit. I could not understand what was happening. I could not understand why I was so completely stressed out all the time. I could not understand why no longer seemed to think clearly.

All I knew for sure is that it was messing up my relationship with Suze... the person I care about most in the world... and that I needed it to stop.

A few weeks ago I went to the chiropractor and had my blood pressure taken in the office. 190/110. I convinced myself it was a fluke, or a broken tester. I did not believe it was a real reading, and I *certainly* did not connect it with the constant stress and fear I was feeling.

At the same time my AV was running wild in my head. "Normal people can drink a little to relieve stress. Aren't they lucky?" I am usually very good at brushing those thoughts off.

But they ate at me.

Until I drank. Just a little at first. And it was like magic. I calmed right down. Suze and I had a good day (or so I thought -- later she told me I was acting very strangely).

The next day I tried the same thing... and it was most definitely not like magic.

When I drink I become someone else. SomeTHING else. A thing without compassion, without remorse, without a soul. I become a horrible thing intent on destruction with no regard for the people I care about.

And I think the high blood pressure made it worse.

My memory vanishes long before I came home to Suze. I have flashes of bits of memory. I remember breaking her phone in half. I remember waking up in a pool of blood... then I don't remember much of anything until I was in the cat scan machine at the hospital 4 days later.

My nose was broken but the rest of my head was intact... But the doctors would not let me leave the hospital until they got my blood pressure under control.

I left the hospital with two prescriptions... and with myself back. With my blood pressure under control, my fear was gone and I was back to feeling like myself for the first time in a very long time.

I messaged Suze on SR on my way out of the hospital. I didn't know before then that I had hurt her. I didn't know I had shouted explitives at her and called her every name in the book over and over.

I am EXTREMELY fortunate that Suze is even willing to talk to me.

I love her more than anything in the world. I am SO sorry I did this.

But it does not matter that I am sorry. What matters is what I do next -- how I take steps to make sure this does not happen again.

venuscat

I know all of this, of course....I also know that we really, really were not looking after each other as well as we should have been.

I also thought the reading at the chiropractor must have been completely wrong...as you know, I asked them about it. We talked about it. We thought surely if that was a true reading they would have called an ambulance.

But even though we thought it was a mistake, I knew something was wrong.
You were way too hot all of the time and your heart was beating way too hard. I knew that. And I didn't push you to go to the doctor.

I should have.

And yes ~ I know we all need to be responsible for ourselves, but we promised to love and protect each other. And I did not do that well enough.

And neither did you.

Lots of people will think we are wrong to try and mend this.
Lots of people will judge me....are judging me.
Well, there is nothing I can do about that.

I came here, packed up my entire life to be with you because I love you.
And not just a little bit....more than I have ever loved any other person in this world.

The hole I felt when I thought I could no longer be with you was so big that I fell into it. I spent an entire day trying to think of ways to leave this world. I know how crazy that is and I know how wrong that is.

But nevertheless it is the truth.

I know that we have the power to heal ourselves and each other.
I know we are trying our best to do the right things here.

It is crazy lonely in this apartment without you, and there are days like today when I don't think I can cope at all. But I am going to keep trying. ♥

feeling-good

Healing and serenity to you both. I struggle on a daily basis with suicidal ideation, yet I have minimised every thing in my life that was actively contributing to this, at some quite considerable cost to myself. Forgiveness is a wonderful, pure thing. I commend you for being willing to keep trying and I truly wish you the absolute best. Thank you for sharing about what happened

2ndhandrose

Thank you, Goat and Suze, for sharing, so honestly, about your relationship. I have come to care a lot for both of you and I am rooting for your happiness together♥

Bailey3

Goat I've done the blackout thing many times in my past. It not fun. In fact it's very scary. I'm in no position to judge or give advice as, you've been sober longer than I have. Do what you think you need to do to make things right for you and Venus.

Venus, I've also been in that deep pit where suicide seems like a good idea also. It's a deep dark pit. Please get help if you feel you need it.

I hope for nothing but the best for both of you. Your both seem to be very kind and caring people.

venuscat

Thank you feeling-good....and sending you SO much love.
That is one very scary place to be, and I am so very sorry that you go through this.
I'm glad you are finding ways to minimise the things in your life that are causing you to be so lonely and afraid.... ♥

We really can help each other with this stuff. And we really do care about each other, and that is kind of wonderful.

I just made an appt to start counselling at college....I need more help.
I have been a wreck today. Nick has tried to help me over the phone, but neither of us needs this kind of stress. And neither of us knows how to fix everything.

venuscat

Thank you love....thank you SO much!! ♥

venuscat

Thank you my dear friend....we have known each other for quite some time now huh? And we have watched each other go through some tough times. But we have also watched each other get through those tough times....

I am indeed getting help. And I will be doing meetings here. I said I was going to do that and I have not.

I am blessed to have a temporary sponsor, but I need to call her more. I am not very good at anything right now. Plenty of room for improvement I guess.

Love you jsm. ♥

least

Venecia

Sending kind thoughts to Suze and Nick.

wpainterw

bump

W.

venuscat

Thank you and so much love ~ Bill, least, V. ♥

FBL

Nick, I also had high blood pressure. My doc prescribed pills and they have done wonders. Wish I would've went on them sooner.

Suze, I've also survived suicidal thoughts in the past. No matter how bad things look, it's a temporary situation. You just can't give up hope that happiness is just around the corner, because it usually is.

You both have my support. I sincerely hope that you will be able to work things out.

venuscat

Thank you dearest FBL.
And so very glad you are well now.
So much love. ♥

Croutie

I know that I don't actually "know" you guys..just connected through SR on the Internet.
But from what I have learned from all of your post, I think you are kind, caring people who love each other. I hope everything works out for you.
Suze I think getting counseling will be very beneficial. You have been through so much lately...
Support and hugs.
Croutie

Kris47

Praying for the two of you.

And for all of us.

"God did for me what I COULD NOT DO FOR MYSELF."

funny HAPPENINGS, I didn't push those caps.

Hmm.

Prayer is a powerful resource for reframing your situation.

Love to you both.

PhoenixJ

wpainterw

Hey Suze and Nick! Sounds like you two are back on the rope and resuming the upward climb. Of course it's easy to say all this but hard to do when it happens. Nick is so right to say that his AV was on a rampage. The whole business could have been so much worse. Just "one small drink" to calm down can lead to a disaster, black out, infinitely horrible stuff. A quick visit to a doctor, primary care or specialist, does a far better job at calming down. I remember when I had to put my much loved setter dog to sleep. I thought of drinking. You bet I did! But I went to a pay phone, called my doctor and he phoned in a prescription which I picked up in half an hour. Meanwhile I went to a meeting. Didn't get much support from the chair fellow (said I had been focussing too much on my dog and not on my "higher power", that I was bad to do that! Shame on me!). Got lots of support from the others in the group. Went to pick up the prescription.
As for blood pressure, that's also been one of my struggles. Monitoring that for 20 years. Docs can sure deal with that one (taking four different medications). Alcohol only raises it. Temporary relief but a half hour later it's worse. That's why they keep taking your b.p. in a rehab. If you want to raise your pressure further and maybe have a seizure and die then keep on drinking. And with a blackout you haven't the foggiest idea what you might have done.
So you survived! This makes me so happy! Good luck and every good wish!

Fondly,

Bill

wpainterw

P.S. I discovered in 13 years of relapses that they come in at least two varieties. The slippery slope (one glass of wine at a dinner (see! nothing happened!), soon there are two glasses (hey it was just that I was drinking "too much"; I can control it), then a glass of something a little more potent before a social occasion (so I don't have to drink so much to keep up with the heavy drinkers later on-life of the party!), then a morning drink to "clear out the cobwebs" Hey Churchill did that for years!). Then "the wife's away the cats will play!". Or "I'm off on a business trip. She'll never know!")Slope gets steeper, more slippery.
The crash landing. Drinking to avoid the pains and terrors of detox. Blackouts. (Did I kill someone maybe? Do I still have my job? Where's my car?). Seizures, nightmares.
Satchel Paige, that wise old philosopher, said, "Don't look back! Somethin' may be gainin' on ya! But for alcoholics, it's more like a tiger hunt. Guess who's the hunter! Watch your back for the AV sniffing at your neck!

Bill.