Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 8
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,524
Made all necessary calls to the Dept. Housing. Need to wait two weeks for them to get back to me with further but did well and can do no more.
I adopted the dispassionate approach ananda, worked well and knowing that I have done everything necessary find a reduction in my anxiety. Small steps.
I adopted the dispassionate approach ananda, worked well and knowing that I have done everything necessary find a reduction in my anxiety. Small steps.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Been watching the news all morning. Can't believe someone walked into that arena filled with kids with a bomb. Can't begin to understand that level of evil. And can't begin to imagine how the families of the bereaved are going to cope. Thank god there's so much good in the world. I guess we just need to remember that. Certainly puts my little worries into perspective. Have a safe peaceful day everyone xxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I have to go to a meeting right now ... overslept... will post later.
Just wanted to say that as hard as it is at times, it is important to me to be sure and acknowledge the good and beautiful in the world when the world seems so full of conflict, pain and fear
Of course I have to acknowledge and honor the pain and suffering this sort of thing causes as well.
Haven't really been up long enough to sort this bit.
Love to all of you.
Just wanted to say that as hard as it is at times, it is important to me to be sure and acknowledge the good and beautiful in the world when the world seems so full of conflict, pain and fear
Of course I have to acknowledge and honor the pain and suffering this sort of thing causes as well.
Haven't really been up long enough to sort this bit.
Love to all of you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I drove by the meeting, but by the cars or lack there of I could tell that the only person there was a guy I find rather creepy. It doesn't seem like a good idea to go in given that I'm a bit fragile right now about men with predator like affects. Not saying he is that way ... just that he displays that way a bit to me.
I'm feeling off kilter today, probably because of oversleeping and being behind on the house. I have still not got all of the kitchen cleaned up for the week. There are dirty dishes soaking, on the table, and a half filled dishwasher. The floor in the living room is dirty and there is trash scattered around the house. Not lots, but the trash cans are full and there isn't a place to put them at the moment. I'll have Chris bring up the trash can from the street later this morning and get things straight if I can.
Today I have to go to my Brother and Sister-in-Laws house to work on the disability paperwork. It's an hour drive each way, so my afternoon is shot.
The lawn looks pretty bad in the back, but we have had enough rain that it is too wet to mow this morning. I did figure out the mower is set on 1" and I need to reset to 3". That will make the mowing less difficult. I didn't realize it could be raised higher. The lawn will look a lot better at the taller height.
sorry I'm so self centered at the moment... just discabobulated ... will check in later today.
I'm feeling off kilter today, probably because of oversleeping and being behind on the house. I have still not got all of the kitchen cleaned up for the week. There are dirty dishes soaking, on the table, and a half filled dishwasher. The floor in the living room is dirty and there is trash scattered around the house. Not lots, but the trash cans are full and there isn't a place to put them at the moment. I'll have Chris bring up the trash can from the street later this morning and get things straight if I can.
Today I have to go to my Brother and Sister-in-Laws house to work on the disability paperwork. It's an hour drive each way, so my afternoon is shot.
The lawn looks pretty bad in the back, but we have had enough rain that it is too wet to mow this morning. I did figure out the mower is set on 1" and I need to reset to 3". That will make the mowing less difficult. I didn't realize it could be raised higher. The lawn will look a lot better at the taller height.
sorry I'm so self centered at the moment... just discabobulated ... will check in later today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
Hi classmates!
Sorry I haven't read all your posts.... I feel really confused and bad after having had another argument with my BF last night.
I basically caught him lying about a girl he was involved with before we met, pointed out his lie which was followed by another lie by him and justifying his lying by me being irrational and insecure. He 'had to' lie cause I'd start an argument otherwise. Me being upset was proof to him that his judgement was right. He didn't believe me that I was upset about the lie and not that he had sex with that girl before we met.
He then brought up all our other fights to try and justify his behaviour. That escalated when I refused to agree to his lying being justified and he shouted, yelled and smashed his fist on the table several times. Shouting "why do you do this to me?!" He scared me very much. I wanted to leave but couldn't because it was late night and I am even more scared outside alone. He lives in a sketchy area so that doesn't help.
He apologised later for losing his temper but it sounded more like he apologised to himself for "letting me upset him so much" "letting him do this to himself" No real compassion for the way I felt.
I am so unhappy about this and I asked my therapist what I could change to make him less explosive or less angry. She said there is nothing I can do because this behaviour wasn't caused by me, he admitted himself last night, that he always behaved this way in past relationships. So the only thing I can do apparently is to walk away.
I don't understand how he claims to love me that much and wants to marry me and have children together. Because at the same time he sees how much damage his behaviour causes but instead of changing he blames me for all his flaws.
I am devastated.
Sorry I haven't read all your posts.... I feel really confused and bad after having had another argument with my BF last night.
I basically caught him lying about a girl he was involved with before we met, pointed out his lie which was followed by another lie by him and justifying his lying by me being irrational and insecure. He 'had to' lie cause I'd start an argument otherwise. Me being upset was proof to him that his judgement was right. He didn't believe me that I was upset about the lie and not that he had sex with that girl before we met.
He then brought up all our other fights to try and justify his behaviour. That escalated when I refused to agree to his lying being justified and he shouted, yelled and smashed his fist on the table several times. Shouting "why do you do this to me?!" He scared me very much. I wanted to leave but couldn't because it was late night and I am even more scared outside alone. He lives in a sketchy area so that doesn't help.
He apologised later for losing his temper but it sounded more like he apologised to himself for "letting me upset him so much" "letting him do this to himself" No real compassion for the way I felt.
I am so unhappy about this and I asked my therapist what I could change to make him less explosive or less angry. She said there is nothing I can do because this behaviour wasn't caused by me, he admitted himself last night, that he always behaved this way in past relationships. So the only thing I can do apparently is to walk away.
I don't understand how he claims to love me that much and wants to marry me and have children together. Because at the same time he sees how much damage his behaviour causes but instead of changing he blames me for all his flaws.
I am devastated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
Oh and I have to confess that I OD'd on my anxiety meds last night. I was so scared and felt trapped because leaving would've been scary cause I can't go home alone at midnight but I felt unsafe staying. So I just wanted to knock myself out. Didn't want to feel. I was too scared and I became panicky and had flash backs.
I feel okay today but very, very tired.
I feel okay today but very, very tired.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time Kev (HUG). I'm glad you held your ground on the lying thing!
The man seems completely bonkers to me. I'll support you if you find you can't leave him, but I feel very strongly that it would be very bad to stay in this sort of relationship. It scares me for your safety. People always think that their friend wouldn't >>>>fill in the blank<<<, but it happens more often than people think.
I dated a man at one time who actually (now 30 years later) is a wonderful man. But when we dated he had real issues. He commented once that 10 year olds could be seductive and once said women were a life support system for a p*ssy.
When I left him he begged me to come back after about a month. It broke my heart because I loved him and saw the good in him. But I did not go back to him. I new absolutely that he was changing for some one else and we were over.
He did changed and married a wonderful woman who was my sponsor in AA at one time. They have been happily married for 28 years and I occationally talk to him via facebook messaging. We also had one phone call to get some closure on some issues.
My point is ... at some point the baggage is too great to continue and hope to sort it all. At some point it is time to move on, let each other go and grow and take a new path. That is how it was for me and it worked out well. A lot better than the man I played the back and forth game with which ended with me being almost a stalker and him leaving town no forwarding address....
Please be careful with your meds and please talk to your counselor as soon as you can. I am holding you in my heart (hug).
The man seems completely bonkers to me. I'll support you if you find you can't leave him, but I feel very strongly that it would be very bad to stay in this sort of relationship. It scares me for your safety. People always think that their friend wouldn't >>>>fill in the blank<<<, but it happens more often than people think.
I dated a man at one time who actually (now 30 years later) is a wonderful man. But when we dated he had real issues. He commented once that 10 year olds could be seductive and once said women were a life support system for a p*ssy.
When I left him he begged me to come back after about a month. It broke my heart because I loved him and saw the good in him. But I did not go back to him. I new absolutely that he was changing for some one else and we were over.
He did changed and married a wonderful woman who was my sponsor in AA at one time. They have been happily married for 28 years and I occationally talk to him via facebook messaging. We also had one phone call to get some closure on some issues.
My point is ... at some point the baggage is too great to continue and hope to sort it all. At some point it is time to move on, let each other go and grow and take a new path. That is how it was for me and it worked out well. A lot better than the man I played the back and forth game with which ended with me being almost a stalker and him leaving town no forwarding address....
Please be careful with your meds and please talk to your counselor as soon as you can. I am holding you in my heart (hug).
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Can't type for long because I'm at work but just wanted to say hello. I'm sorry you had a tough evening Kev. I'm no relationship expert but since I've known you, you have had quite a lot of upsetting fights with your bf. Only you know what you need to do but if it was me, I think I'd be questioning now whether I'd be better off on my own. I know it's so incredibly tough but you've been through enough. You need to put yourself and your recovery first. Even if that means making some tough decisions. I'm thinking of you and Steely and Ananda and Tnek and Poppy and Dee and Phoenix and Lady and Badger and Plenny and everyone else. The world seems so scary today. Armed police everywhere which I guess is a good thing. Stay safe, sober and strong everyone xxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
I stayed in a relationship because I was scared noone else would have me. 20 years on I really regret that now.
I was worth way more, even with my drinking back then.
I'm not going to tell you what to do Kev but I hope you'll sit and think a little about if this is really the relationship you want, and if it's not, why you're staying in it?
I hope everyone else is doing ok - new meds so I'm hoping for a good nights sleep for the first time in a few weeks.
D
I was worth way more, even with my drinking back then.
I'm not going to tell you what to do Kev but I hope you'll sit and think a little about if this is really the relationship you want, and if it's not, why you're staying in it?
I hope everyone else is doing ok - new meds so I'm hoping for a good nights sleep for the first time in a few weeks.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Hi all,
With this new journey ahead of me I was very touched by something from my Ajan Sumedo track this morning. This is not an exact quote, but he said something very close to this (I'm doing it from memory ..)
There is nothing so bad that has happened to us,
There is nothing so bad that we have done,
Nothing has left us so permanently wounded to the extent that we cannot heal, cannot wake up
The only thing standing between us and the awakened state is a refusal to awaken.
The lecture was called "Light at the End" and this was between 34 and 40 minutes in if you want to hear it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtsSWGYumbo
It was strange to discover this lecture was from the day after the Columbine Colorado School Shooting.
With this new journey ahead of me I was very touched by something from my Ajan Sumedo track this morning. This is not an exact quote, but he said something very close to this (I'm doing it from memory ..)
There is nothing so bad that has happened to us,
There is nothing so bad that we have done,
Nothing has left us so permanently wounded to the extent that we cannot heal, cannot wake up
The only thing standing between us and the awakened state is a refusal to awaken.
The lecture was called "Light at the End" and this was between 34 and 40 minutes in if you want to hear it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtsSWGYumbo
It was strange to discover this lecture was from the day after the Columbine Colorado School Shooting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Hey Kenton,
I'm assuming your name means you are from Kenton in London? Where abouts is that? I tried to look at the map and although I found Harrow (which wikapedia says is close or inside of Kenton???) I haven't located Kenton yet.
I lived for a year in Oxford, and have traveled quite a bit in England. My last trip was to visit SR friends there and was quite a wonderful time.
In the US all police have guns, but I know that seeing army or national guard troops in town can be quite disturbing. They were in my town during a flood. In a lot of my travels we have been amidst armed soldiers and it always makes me terribly uncomfortable. All that fire power around bugs me more than the fear of terrorists
I guess I'm weird that way ... it just feels too much like a powder keg..
Gotta post this as my internet explorer is acting up and I may loose this.
I'm assuming your name means you are from Kenton in London? Where abouts is that? I tried to look at the map and although I found Harrow (which wikapedia says is close or inside of Kenton???) I haven't located Kenton yet.
I lived for a year in Oxford, and have traveled quite a bit in England. My last trip was to visit SR friends there and was quite a wonderful time.
In the US all police have guns, but I know that seeing army or national guard troops in town can be quite disturbing. They were in my town during a flood. In a lot of my travels we have been amidst armed soldiers and it always makes me terribly uncomfortable. All that fire power around bugs me more than the fear of terrorists
I guess I'm weird that way ... it just feels too much like a powder keg..Gotta post this as my internet explorer is acting up and I may loose this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Steely and Kev ... if you tell me where you live I'll look you up on the maps too.
I've never been to Austrailia as it is too far a flight for a smoker. Unless I quit, I'll probably not make that trip
lmao
I've been to Germany, but only briefly to a very small area. Once at 10 and once in I think it was 2001 or 2002.
I'm in Manhattan, Kansas (the little apple). Not to be confused with the one in NY
We even have our own miniature "time square" where a ball gets dropped on NYE ... or at least we use to ... not sure if it is still there with all the growth of our town. I went there back in the 90s.
America seems to be slipping down from slightly embarrassing to deep shame.
I always cringed a bit when talking to those from other countries because of some of the way some americans act. Then I became so embarrassed by my government's behavior I felt like I had to apologize after stating my nationality. Now It's so horrid where we are at that I just want to crawl in a hole and wait for something to change....
And yet I am very aware that even the 1/2 of the country I find so appalling as a group ... as individuals face to face daily life ... they really are just as human, just as caring and just as good as anyone else (for the most part). It's so strange. Well I just have to remember the significant truth that in every saint is a monster and in every monster is a saint. We are all a mixed bag and I know that many would look at my beliefs, thoughts and values and be horrified. The world is just like that. So I have to look at what is the same in all of us, look beyond the monsters to understand and develop some compassion for them and the experiences and hopes and dreams that they may have. Sorry to rattle but the climate here has been pretty difficult for me to deal with. I don't think about drinking, but I do find myself getting distracted from my Buddhist practice and my sobriety support routines. And that, of course, is taking a step a bit closer to the drink. Sort of like choosing to go to the gas station next to the liquer store I went to daily instead of driving a few blocks to a different gas station. Not as bad as bringing a bottle home, but not a great idea...
Hope you are all well and look forward to your posts
I've never been to Austrailia as it is too far a flight for a smoker. Unless I quit, I'll probably not make that trip
lmaoI've been to Germany, but only briefly to a very small area. Once at 10 and once in I think it was 2001 or 2002.
I'm in Manhattan, Kansas (the little apple). Not to be confused with the one in NY
We even have our own miniature "time square" where a ball gets dropped on NYE ... or at least we use to ... not sure if it is still there with all the growth of our town. I went there back in the 90s.
America seems to be slipping down from slightly embarrassing to deep shame.
I always cringed a bit when talking to those from other countries because of some of the way some americans act. Then I became so embarrassed by my government's behavior I felt like I had to apologize after stating my nationality. Now It's so horrid where we are at that I just want to crawl in a hole and wait for something to change....
And yet I am very aware that even the 1/2 of the country I find so appalling as a group ... as individuals face to face daily life ... they really are just as human, just as caring and just as good as anyone else (for the most part). It's so strange. Well I just have to remember the significant truth that in every saint is a monster and in every monster is a saint. We are all a mixed bag and I know that many would look at my beliefs, thoughts and values and be horrified. The world is just like that. So I have to look at what is the same in all of us, look beyond the monsters to understand and develop some compassion for them and the experiences and hopes and dreams that they may have. Sorry to rattle but the climate here has been pretty difficult for me to deal with. I don't think about drinking, but I do find myself getting distracted from my Buddhist practice and my sobriety support routines. And that, of course, is taking a step a bit closer to the drink. Sort of like choosing to go to the gas station next to the liquer store I went to daily instead of driving a few blocks to a different gas station. Not as bad as bringing a bottle home, but not a great idea...
Hope you are all well and look forward to your posts
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Sorry ... one more post
I wasn't able to go to my brother's yesterday after all
My "check engine soon" light came on a few miles out of town and so I came home. I can't afford to have the car looked at and won't even have enough money to do anything at all for another ten days as the bank book is dry
I'm going to call a woman from AA to see if she can take me to the Thursday noon meeting and the Saturday night meeting so that I can at least get a few meetings in. We will only use the car for going grocery shopping or Dr. Appointments for the forseeable future. We don't have a bus service here
I won't be able to do temple this weekend (again
). I don't know what I'll do about therapy ... I can do a session via Skype, but I don't know... with the sensitive area we are getting into I don't know if I can really handle it long distance.
Well ... it is what it is and I have to work with the world the way it is instead of b*tching and fighting about stuff I can't control... just move on.
Love you all and thanks for being here in spirit. It matters to me
I wasn't able to go to my brother's yesterday after all
My "check engine soon" light came on a few miles out of town and so I came home. I can't afford to have the car looked at and won't even have enough money to do anything at all for another ten days as the bank book is dry
I'm going to call a woman from AA to see if she can take me to the Thursday noon meeting and the Saturday night meeting so that I can at least get a few meetings in. We will only use the car for going grocery shopping or Dr. Appointments for the forseeable future. We don't have a bus service here
I won't be able to do temple this weekend (again
). I don't know what I'll do about therapy ... I can do a session via Skype, but I don't know... with the sensitive area we are getting into I don't know if I can really handle it long distance. Well ... it is what it is and I have to work with the world the way it is instead of b*tching and fighting about stuff I can't control... just move on.
Love you all and thanks for being here in spirit. It matters to me
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,524
Wow, the class is back in force. Groovy! 
Read all but am so tired after big day out with my daughter. We had a good day together. The park, coffee, op shopping, talking.
Going to rest now but love you all and the ring is the thing. My $2 job is sturdy, dodgy looking cloissant. Don't think I'll use the one in the jeweller. Keeping me sober, wooooooooo!
Back tomorrow my dear friends.
Hoping you're OK Kenton. Love steely. xxx
Read all but am so tired after big day out with my daughter. We had a good day together. The park, coffee, op shopping, talking.
Going to rest now but love you all and the ring is the thing. My $2 job is sturdy, dodgy looking cloissant. Don't think I'll use the one in the jeweller. Keeping me sober, wooooooooo!
Back tomorrow my dear friends.
Hoping you're OK Kenton. Love steely. xxx
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