One Year and Under Club Part 57
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 4,672
oh yes Stargazer---you are soo right. How many times have I thought ---well, maybe I will just drink over the week-end and stop ! ! ! What the heck ! ! ! How stupid can a person get ? I have even thought---well, my husband is gone this afternoon I'll just sip a few straight shots and then quit before he comes home. ha ha that old AV doesn't go away. and that's why I come here. You guys remind me that the old AV will always be there to tempt me.
Hugs to all of you
Babs
Hugs to all of you
Babs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
Thanks Stargazer.
Every anniversary or landmark in time seems to make the AV kick off big time and want to have another go at wearing me down.
I know I can't control my drinking. Because it took me five long years to discover it can't be done. Those first three months drink free were horrible. First the not sleeping, then the sleeping and fatigue. Then the constant thinking about drinking that didn't involve drinking.
I'm eight months sober. What a terrible addiction alcohol is. It would be so easy to slip back into my old self destructive ways even now. As if I never left off.
My sober life is so much better than the drunken life I left behind but shedding the old me involves more self introspection than I was ever prepared for.
Every anniversary or landmark in time seems to make the AV kick off big time and want to have another go at wearing me down.
I know I can't control my drinking. Because it took me five long years to discover it can't be done. Those first three months drink free were horrible. First the not sleeping, then the sleeping and fatigue. Then the constant thinking about drinking that didn't involve drinking.
I'm eight months sober. What a terrible addiction alcohol is. It would be so easy to slip back into my old self destructive ways even now. As if I never left off.
My sober life is so much better than the drunken life I left behind but shedding the old me involves more self introspection than I was ever prepared for.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Yes, Kopfan. That AV is always ready and waiting. It truly does get easier with time but for me, at least, it's not gone. I am finding the whispering easier to deal with and banish. I'm so grateful for that! But I have had a couple of very rough days and by this afternoon the AV was getting louder again. I had to work through with the tools I've learned. I'm ok now but can't let myself even toy with the idea of drinking!
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,166
Star. I just giggled at your thought of an AV school, immediately I saw.... "Well class, now that we have been practising the insidious whisper, your homework tonight is to remind your sober person of the fun to be had drinking... And remember, it's important they don't see your ugly side.... "
Maybe not really funny, but when I experience and read so many of the same temptations time and again.... No wonder we get such support from being somewhere we can open up and tell others what we are feeling. If I had told hubby in the early days what I was going through, he would a) have panicked and b) never understood.
Though the voice never goes away completely, and we need always remain vigilant, it's power over us does weaken the more time we spend in our new sober lives.
Kopfan, I believe you really have reached a landmark. The acceptance of never, ever again is huge, truly. Life gets better once we acknowledge that undeniable truth. For us to live our lives to the best of our abilities rather than drown in our addiction, we have to choose never, ever as our new life.
And really?? It's not so hard... And a whole heck of a lot better.
Maybe not really funny, but when I experience and read so many of the same temptations time and again.... No wonder we get such support from being somewhere we can open up and tell others what we are feeling. If I had told hubby in the early days what I was going through, he would a) have panicked and b) never understood.
Though the voice never goes away completely, and we need always remain vigilant, it's power over us does weaken the more time we spend in our new sober lives.
Kopfan, I believe you really have reached a landmark. The acceptance of never, ever again is huge, truly. Life gets better once we acknowledge that undeniable truth. For us to live our lives to the best of our abilities rather than drown in our addiction, we have to choose never, ever as our new life.
And really?? It's not so hard... And a whole heck of a lot better.
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,172
Kopfan, I think I was near your stage of recovery when the switch permanently clicked in my head that it was never ever for me. I too had a vague, nebulous thought that maybe one time in the future, I might possibly again. The AV thrives on a future date. It clings to the hope of future drinking. It never wants you to say never again. Congrats on solidifying your new way of thinking.
I will be happy to pass through yet one more drinking holiday and get ready to celebrate another chunk of sober time under my belt. Though 2017 has the potential to be ugly, at least in my country, politically and socially, I will be safe and secure that I have found and will continue to march forth on my path towards inner peace and self growth.
It's really what life is all about.
Have a great day all!
I will be happy to pass through yet one more drinking holiday and get ready to celebrate another chunk of sober time under my belt. Though 2017 has the potential to be ugly, at least in my country, politically and socially, I will be safe and secure that I have found and will continue to march forth on my path towards inner peace and self growth.
It's really what life is all about.
Have a great day all!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
If I could control my drinking I wouldn't be here. Anyone that takes themselves voluntarily to a drug clinic seeking help shouldn't be considering drinking again.
The fun of drink is the first to the third. Beyond that is misery beyond belief. I used to pride myself on being able to handle my drink, little knowing the future problems I was storing up for myself. The increased tolerance is a curse I brought upon myself clueless of the repurcussions.
I've been reading "Pour me, a life" by AA Gill who died recently and it is by turns hysterically funny and full of dark comedy. In it he talks about how "normal" people drink for light relief and how we drink to escape reality. It's a slow death that can only be arrested by not drinking at all.
I look around me and I see some of my friends and family who drink more than I ever did. The next door neighbour who started drinking at 8.30am on Xmas day. My sons work mates who are all plastered all day every day of the holidays. My daughter who drinks vodka every day. Her alcoholic friend who starts on the extra strength cider upon waking every day.
I've stopped. And I'm glad I did. I have happy memories mostly of my drinking days up until the last desperate struggle to break free. When drink had me in its vice grip. That struggle lasted five years. Joining a new class, disappearing when I gave into the AV, coming back crying and feeling ashamed and worthless.
It's around this time last year that I managed to trap my foot under the front room rug, lurch forward trying to save my drink in one hand and headbutted the TV, smashing the screen. I have another six months till its paid off. A few months before that I slashed my hand when I fell on my whisky glass. Two years ago I was fooling around in the garden with my son when I keeled over and smacked my forehead clean on the concrete paving. I could have killed myself. I explained away the egg sized bruise at work with a feeble "playing cricket" excuse.
A litany of burns, scrapes, A&E visits, lost wallets, poor finances, blackouts and self loathing pepper my "fun" drinking times.
I'm sad. I'm sad because who I am identifies so closely with the drinking maverick that I liked to think I was. I spent so many years cultivating a persona that revolved around drink and now its all gone. I've killed off the drinking me. Never to return?
Who am I? What am I doing here? Why is everyone else drinking and I'm not? What's my PURPOSE?
I wonder if I might go to a meeting (I've never been). Or volunteer for some charity work. If I'm not going to drink what am I going to do?
The fun of drink is the first to the third. Beyond that is misery beyond belief. I used to pride myself on being able to handle my drink, little knowing the future problems I was storing up for myself. The increased tolerance is a curse I brought upon myself clueless of the repurcussions.
I've been reading "Pour me, a life" by AA Gill who died recently and it is by turns hysterically funny and full of dark comedy. In it he talks about how "normal" people drink for light relief and how we drink to escape reality. It's a slow death that can only be arrested by not drinking at all.
I look around me and I see some of my friends and family who drink more than I ever did. The next door neighbour who started drinking at 8.30am on Xmas day. My sons work mates who are all plastered all day every day of the holidays. My daughter who drinks vodka every day. Her alcoholic friend who starts on the extra strength cider upon waking every day.
I've stopped. And I'm glad I did. I have happy memories mostly of my drinking days up until the last desperate struggle to break free. When drink had me in its vice grip. That struggle lasted five years. Joining a new class, disappearing when I gave into the AV, coming back crying and feeling ashamed and worthless.
It's around this time last year that I managed to trap my foot under the front room rug, lurch forward trying to save my drink in one hand and headbutted the TV, smashing the screen. I have another six months till its paid off. A few months before that I slashed my hand when I fell on my whisky glass. Two years ago I was fooling around in the garden with my son when I keeled over and smacked my forehead clean on the concrete paving. I could have killed myself. I explained away the egg sized bruise at work with a feeble "playing cricket" excuse.
A litany of burns, scrapes, A&E visits, lost wallets, poor finances, blackouts and self loathing pepper my "fun" drinking times.
I'm sad. I'm sad because who I am identifies so closely with the drinking maverick that I liked to think I was. I spent so many years cultivating a persona that revolved around drink and now its all gone. I've killed off the drinking me. Never to return?
Who am I? What am I doing here? Why is everyone else drinking and I'm not? What's my PURPOSE?
I wonder if I might go to a meeting (I've never been). Or volunteer for some charity work. If I'm not going to drink what am I going to do?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Kopfan, I think those are some good ideas. Too uch idle time on our hands can turn into a temptation. When we drank, there wasn't any good reason for us to figure out good things to do with out time. In sobriety I think that becomes important.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
Thanks Saskia, you're right. I need to figure out what I want to do with my time and make it worth it. I used to fill up all my spare time with work, but then I realised that filling up my life with work wasn't the be and end all.
I'm spending a lot of time on ebay beefing up my pathetic wardrobe of clothes which had dwindled to a couple of pairs of jogging pants and some horrid T-shirts!
I'm spending a lot of time on ebay beefing up my pathetic wardrobe of clothes which had dwindled to a couple of pairs of jogging pants and some horrid T-shirts!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Kopfan - I knew drinking was over for me when the injuries to myself and others piled up, and my self loathing was too much to bear.
It looks like you are on the path to self care (improving your wardrobe) and enlightenment (work isn't the end all be all) while the people in your life are day-drinking.
You might find the fellowship of AA helpful as you work through your past and figure out how you want to spend your time.
I'm coming up on 3 years sober in February. I've come a long way since I stopped drinking, but I'm still very much a work in progress. I juggle a lot of reaponsibilities, and don't get to spend the amount of time I'd like on recovery and self care. However, I realize that if I did have spare time, I'd be equally as frustrated. I am an alcoholic, and I am restless, irritable and discontented. I get stuck in my own head. AA helps nudge me along.
I see my alcoholic friends in a completely different light these days. The guy who passed out during his own housewarming party. The guy who put himself to bed while a houseful of people celebrated his 40th birthday. The girl who didn't remember what we talked about the evening before. The ladies who make cannibus candy then tell me what I'm missing out on. We were all caught up in who had a nicer house, better car, thinner body, more successful kids, or went to more parties than everyone else.
Now I have different interests, and we are taking different paths. I put in the recovery work, and while I am not thinner, richer, or more successful than before, I am happy with what I have. I spend time with good friends who support each other instead of judge and compete with each other.
We are watching you put in a great recovery effort. I know you'll feel the long term benefits of recovery too.
It looks like you are on the path to self care (improving your wardrobe) and enlightenment (work isn't the end all be all) while the people in your life are day-drinking.
You might find the fellowship of AA helpful as you work through your past and figure out how you want to spend your time.
I'm coming up on 3 years sober in February. I've come a long way since I stopped drinking, but I'm still very much a work in progress. I juggle a lot of reaponsibilities, and don't get to spend the amount of time I'd like on recovery and self care. However, I realize that if I did have spare time, I'd be equally as frustrated. I am an alcoholic, and I am restless, irritable and discontented. I get stuck in my own head. AA helps nudge me along.
I see my alcoholic friends in a completely different light these days. The guy who passed out during his own housewarming party. The guy who put himself to bed while a houseful of people celebrated his 40th birthday. The girl who didn't remember what we talked about the evening before. The ladies who make cannibus candy then tell me what I'm missing out on. We were all caught up in who had a nicer house, better car, thinner body, more successful kids, or went to more parties than everyone else.
Now I have different interests, and we are taking different paths. I put in the recovery work, and while I am not thinner, richer, or more successful than before, I am happy with what I have. I spend time with good friends who support each other instead of judge and compete with each other.
We are watching you put in a great recovery effort. I know you'll feel the long term benefits of recovery too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 473
Thanks Gleefan you brought a tear to my eye.
I'm not going to drink again am I. Not now not ever. It's all over. The curtain has come down on my drinking performance. The fat lady has sung.
I really thought I would be able to go back at sometime in the future but I turn around and see the door has closed behind me. I could hang around the doorway and try to open it again but it would be like something out of a Poltergeist movie. The sudden descent into drinking again like falling into a huge tornado and no escape. Twirling round and round in chaotic madness and spat out when life has no further purpose or meaning.
I feel much better today. I've been morose as I contemplate a life without the booze. Drink makes everything easy, it fills the time, takes away the responsibility. Without it I'm like a little lost boy wandering the streets looking for my mates to play football with. They're all sitting in the playground drinking strong cider and laughing.
When I was seventeen I worked in a garage. The guys took me to the pub for my birthday at lunchtime. I necked Gin and Orange one after the other and they thought it was funny. Until I spent the afternoon curled around the toilet bowl and they had to hide me from their boss. I had no idea what alcohol was then and that was the start of my drinking career.
I resisted the temptation to take my son to the pub last April for his 18th, just before I quit, reasoning that I shouldn't be encouraging him to drink. For eighteen years I'd waited for that moment when I could buy him his first pint legally and then when the time came I realised with horror that I shouldn't be doing it.
So with one of my favourite movie lines "And now I have to turn my back on you" drink is part of who I was. But not who I became.
It's a fresh canvas, a new start . A chance to make new friends who don't consider sitting in the pub all day an option.
I should be proud of what I've achieved and I am. It's time to stop looking back at the closed door, turn around and choose a new path.
My heartfelt thanks to everyone who has contributed to my and everyone else's recovery. What a wonderful community here at SR. May many more people come through the door and be helped to kick their addiction and begin a new life.
Thank you so much my friends, I'm so grateful for all the wise and comforting words.
Kopfan.
I'm not going to drink again am I. Not now not ever. It's all over. The curtain has come down on my drinking performance. The fat lady has sung.
I really thought I would be able to go back at sometime in the future but I turn around and see the door has closed behind me. I could hang around the doorway and try to open it again but it would be like something out of a Poltergeist movie. The sudden descent into drinking again like falling into a huge tornado and no escape. Twirling round and round in chaotic madness and spat out when life has no further purpose or meaning.
I feel much better today. I've been morose as I contemplate a life without the booze. Drink makes everything easy, it fills the time, takes away the responsibility. Without it I'm like a little lost boy wandering the streets looking for my mates to play football with. They're all sitting in the playground drinking strong cider and laughing.
When I was seventeen I worked in a garage. The guys took me to the pub for my birthday at lunchtime. I necked Gin and Orange one after the other and they thought it was funny. Until I spent the afternoon curled around the toilet bowl and they had to hide me from their boss. I had no idea what alcohol was then and that was the start of my drinking career.
I resisted the temptation to take my son to the pub last April for his 18th, just before I quit, reasoning that I shouldn't be encouraging him to drink. For eighteen years I'd waited for that moment when I could buy him his first pint legally and then when the time came I realised with horror that I shouldn't be doing it.
So with one of my favourite movie lines "And now I have to turn my back on you" drink is part of who I was. But not who I became.
It's a fresh canvas, a new start . A chance to make new friends who don't consider sitting in the pub all day an option.
I should be proud of what I've achieved and I am. It's time to stop looking back at the closed door, turn around and choose a new path.
My heartfelt thanks to everyone who has contributed to my and everyone else's recovery. What a wonderful community here at SR. May many more people come through the door and be helped to kick their addiction and begin a new life.
Thank you so much my friends, I'm so grateful for all the wise and comforting words.
Kopfan.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
Friday night here - 1 hour and 7 minutes until 2017. As far as 2016 is concerned- well I am alive.
AND SOBER. Hoping all remember triggers and have a safe, sane, sober, peaceful and happy NYE. To infinity- and beyond.
AND SOBER. Hoping all remember triggers and have a safe, sane, sober, peaceful and happy NYE. To infinity- and beyond.
EnjoyingTheJourney
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,847
I've been away for a couple of days & return to some incredible posts!
It helps me to remember the 3 stages of drinking.
1st - FUN
2nd - Fun + Problems
3rd - PROBLEMS
My FUN ran out a long time ago.
1 year ago this month, I was a raging alcoholic, walking black out mess and something deep within me said No More.
I've been cleaning up my PROBLEMS ever since.
The FUN to PROBLEM stage happened over a 30-yr. period.
It helps me to remember the 3 stages of drinking.
1st - FUN
2nd - Fun + Problems
3rd - PROBLEMS
My FUN ran out a long time ago.
1 year ago this month, I was a raging alcoholic, walking black out mess and something deep within me said No More.
I've been cleaning up my PROBLEMS ever since.
The FUN to PROBLEM stage happened over a 30-yr. period.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,166
Oh Bandi! You are mere hours away from becoming an Over!!!!
I bought hubby some flavoured gins for Xmas, and he tried one the other day. I grumbled " if only I hadn't guzzled my allotted lifetime of booze in 30 years, I would have had some left over to taste things like that! " feels a bit like that sometimes!
I bought hubby some flavoured gins for Xmas, and he tried one the other day. I grumbled " if only I hadn't guzzled my allotted lifetime of booze in 30 years, I would have had some left over to taste things like that! " feels a bit like that sometimes!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
