obosob

Thanks Up. Yes, working on the chainsaw and surfing and tennis.
They are my 3 planned forms of release.

Today a bit better, on my own a lot, which is good for recovery anyway.

Hope all had a good weekend.

freein14

Obo, it must be incredibly difficult to have someone staying in your home who you feel so angry towards. In the long term it might be worth working on forgiveness ? if you feel that's just not possible then I wonder if they should stay elsewhere when they visit? I hope that doesn't sound too blunt, but things are unlikely to improve whilst you hold those feelings in your heart. You're doing a great job under these circumstances

My visitors have left now. Last night, I was the only one sober. I had no desire to join in the drinking, but it's not much fun watching other people abuse their bodies and minds. I can't believe that I would have at least matched the heaviest drinker, if not surpassed their efforts, not that long ago!

Totally different story now, I'm so thankful for my sober life these days.

freein14

Just found out that ..... Eckhart Tolle is coming to London in September. I've booked my ticket already. I can't wait

Dee74

I've mentioned 'The Shack' before I think Obo. Great read about forgiveness.

Pretty hard to move on when you've got your hands around someone else's neck.

D

obosob

Ok, the shack, I'll have a read.

Thanks Freein, always need support.

Went for a surf today. Met an old mates wife at the coffee shop. He can't stop drinking. 2 stints rehab, 2 times court stole father's credit card. She has kicked him out he's living in his car. They have a son.

She asked me how to stop, or how to get him to stop. He and I met through my best friend, who killed himself in 2012. He is in real trouble and the whole town know about it.

Now I couldn't answer her, I don't know. She mentioned he needs a rock bottom.
I told her to support him and get him in a group somewhere.

It's everywhere alcoholism.

That for some reason makes me feel better.....

freein14

Yes, lives are being ruined everywhere. And it's so strange that when we're on the outside looking in, we can see so clearly that the answer is just to stop drinking, yet on the inside, we just can't seem to see this simple solution. The solution is so, so simple, just stop drinking, what could be simpler...yet it's not easy, it's so darn difficult.

It's no wonder our brains struggle to make sense of it.

Hope the surf was good today Obo. Keep looking after your mind over these few weeks.

izzy8

Hey guys-

Hope you find some relief Obo. Please take care of yourself!

I'm with inlaws as well - also my major challenge. Had to just get away for a moment- they are ALL so controlling and judgemental. I start to feel like I'm literally suffocating.

Sitting here in a Walmart parking lot feeling like I'm in Heaven.

I recommend the shack too- great read and view on the nature of God, imho

Love you fools! What I wouldnt give for a "fools getaway" right about now! Happy for your eckart venture free - you'll have to tell us all about it

freein14

Thanks Izzy, I'm really looking forward to it.

Sorry to hear you're having to hide away in the car park! That's quite an inspired strategy, especially if you have a good book handy.

obosob

Yes Izzy, I fully understand. The car is a sanctuary.

Ok The Shack it is then.

There is a lot of literature in anger, it all seems so objective though.....

Body much better after the ocean, wow, I need to quit smoking too.

Up, still off the smokes?

Hope it gets better Izzy, bloody family I say, what can you do.....

Hope all are well.

Upward2Enlightenment

Still smoke free obo, been having a lot of cravings but they pass soon enough.

freein14

Yay, UP, that's fabulous

I have a big (ish) presentation to do today. Oddly, I'm not too stressed about it. I think the work coaching has helped enormously. I'm able to keep things in perspective much more easily now. It's such a waste of time worrying about things. I'm learning to accept the fact that doing what I can is enough, perfection is generally unattainable, and not required for most situations.

Even I can't believe I've just written that, where has this confident, chilled person come from?

obosob

Good stuff Freein...... leading by example again.

Well I'm now in the car too. The Mother in law is driving me nuts.

Absolutely crazy.

She is sitting in our house waiting for me to cook again. I can't breathe I'm so stressed.

I have tried and tried again, but she just sits there staring at me, waiting for me to do something for her.

I've been awake since 5am with baby, it's now 6.45pm, I'm shattered.

My wife won't challenge her mother so I'm subject to all this crap, it will never end.

Outlaws.

obosob

I'm right on the edge again...
.

Dee74

I think in the end, your MIL is not going to change Obo.

Right or wrong, she has no reason to.

You're gonna have to be the bloke who changes.

Drinking not going to help the situation, unless you want to force your wife to choose between you.

D

obosob

ouch, that hurt.

I'm in the right here should she not change because of the obvious angst she causes.

Thanks Dee, for the support.

Bloody hell, I married into it.

Dee74

C'mon Obo.
Thats not what I said.

I'll try and be be more descriptive.

I said she won't change and, with the situation as it is, she has no reason to. All she needs to do is sit back and let you explode.

Changing your behaviour is not about her being right or you being wrong, or her 'winning- it's about you and the only aspect of the parameters you can change right now.

I'm not mouthing off for the hell of it. I've been in this situation with me and my dad.

I found new ways of dealing with him. I stopped playing 'Lets get Dee to explode' game.

He initiated it, but I played along too. I was provoked sure, but my pride wouldn't let me back down, so I'd arc up...which was what he wanted.

Eventually I saw the utter futility of it all and I stopped participating.

One player can't keep a 2 player 'game' going.....

Ultimately i found serenity.

Nothing my dad can do can affect me now, and after a while?

*he stopped trying*.

I tell you what tho, I reckon if she can no longer get a rise out of you it'd really tick her off.

D

PS If I'm just making you angry let me know - I'm not here to do that.
If that's so, I'll butt out and let you do your thing.

obosob

Dee, no offence taken.

At times I swear, it's only by your example online that I'm still in the fight.

I absolutely respect what you say.

Right or wrong.

But strewth, this is hard and I don't have the ability to just not engage.

As I said, practice!!!!!!!

Love to all, real understanding love!

freein14

I wonder if it would help to clarify exactly what your current boundaries are, Obo? Clearly you feel that your wife's mother is violating those boundaries. Whether she's aware of it or not, doesn't really matter. The thing is, do you know what your boundaries actually are?

Then, does she know what your boundaries are?

By changing your response to these situations you most definitely will change her behaviour. Don't underestimate the power you have to respond differently, it can change a well rehearsed pattern in a relationship quicker than a quick thing.

Maybe experiment a bit, keep her on her toes, don't let her relax in to her usual pattern for even an instant

You are in a very difficult situation, Obo. I honestly don't think I would have anyone stay for 7 weeks, let alone in laws, so be kind to yourself through this. Keep us updated, I'm sure we can be creative with some suggestions on potential response styles

freein14

P.s I've always liked the Basil Fawlty style of dealing with difficult people, but it never seems to end well for him, unfortunately. Did the sitcom Fawlty Towers ever make it outside the UK? It's a bit dated now (as am I) but still funny.

Dee74

If I misunderstood you yesterday Obo my apologies

D