Gonnachange

Just getting the new thread started.

[last part here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...my-way-20.html
D]

Della1968

Gonnachange

You're welcome, but the thanks really goes to you for following along.

SoberLeigh

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j...92885102,d.eXY

This young man and woman were friends of my daughter and SIL; my SIL served two tours of duty with Juan in Iraq. They are, understandably, having a terrible time dealing with this.

I met the young man once when he was stationed at Pendleton and was impressed by him and his love for his country.

Gonnachange

What a terrible tragedy.

Follow Up

As a follow up to my last post in my previous thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...my-way-25.html I spoke with my wife about my discovery and she was fuming mad. She also said that her mother called to thank us for yesterday and was giving out about my BIL because my MIL felt he was drinking. For it to have been noticeable it would have taken a lot more than five beers so my wife's working theory is that he had a flask with him that he surreptitiously imbibed from during the course of the party. All the alcohol for the party was in plain sight of everyone on the back deck so he didn't have any of that and he doesn't know where the key to our liquor cabinet is so it's not hard to understand how she came to that conclusion.

We did not discuss whether or not to revert to having non alcoholic parties when he's here, but since we have no plans for a family party for at least a month there was no imperative today about that topic. I'm pretty sure she'll be sharing this information with her siblings so a dialogue can be started (again) about what we as a family want to do going forward for any future family gatherings. After all the $$, time, and emotional capital that has been spent trying to help him, even before yesterday people's patience was wearing thin because for years we seem more intent on securing his recovery than he does. It's a text book example of the principle that the desire to change has to come from him and if that's not present than pretty much whatever we do will not lead to the outcome we seek.

As before, thanks for "listening".

SoberLeigh

I am glad, GC, that you posted the link to your previous thread and the follow-up; I missed the post in the previous thread. I am sorry about your BIL's issues and his actions at the party. It seems you all have very valid concerns and that he hasn't stopped digging for the 'bottom'. This type of thing brings such agony to a family.

Gonnachange

Thanks SL. He's extremely fortunate that he has such a supportive family or else I'm sure he would be in far worse shape than he currently is. Since he came back from inpatient rehab 2.5 years ago he's been living with my inlaws, it's hard to maintain an apartment and put food on the table when you have no income, and have caused them a lot of grief. They're in their early 80's and shouldn't have to deal with this, but there's an extremely strong sense of family so they (and his siblings' families) feel the need to not go the total tough love approach and see him out on the streets or as someone who bounces from one friend's place to another.

He can be less than pleasant when drunk, but when sober is just a great guy. Smart, funny, engaging, etc.

Gonnachange

I'll be up for a while longer, but it won't be a late night and it's going to be another sober day. I'm looking forward to waking up refreshed and clear headed and heading out for a run before the temperature gets too hot.

Della1968

Touchy situation I don't envy any of you. Unfortunately I am not sure anyone is doing him any favors. I am not judging because I would do anything to help my family. But I didn't get my act together till I was the only one who could get it together.

Gonnachange

Thanks for weighing in Della and your last sentence echoes exactly what all personally concerned parties know. It has to come from him, but nobody, including me, is willing to let him be essentially homeless. Touchy indeed! Years before I found out about SR, we educated ourselves as much as we could, truly did everything we could think of, and leaned on every resource any of us knew or was able to find to help us help him. Since I joined SR I've become more educated than I was previous to joining and I've shared that information with the family, but it all comes back to him wanting something (sobriety) that he's not ready to embrace just yet. As SoberLeigh wrote, he's still digging for the bottom. And while I wrote earlier that everyone's patience is wearing thin, we're going to continue to support him, but I truly don't believe that sobriety is what he's most focused on so, while nothing is inevitable, everyone reading this knows where the journey is leading. Are we doing him any favors in the long term? I honestly don't know, but for better or worse the family is going to continue doing what we are.

Clearly, I'm not writing any of this from a holier than thou perspective because I know I still have an active AV, but I also know that I didn't drink at my party yesterday nor today and while I have the occasional toe stub the arc of my dealing with my relationship with alcohol is an upward and positive one.

Della1968

Oh SL not sure how I missed it before but how very sad!

Gonnachange

Today

I went to bed later than I anticipated, but still got out for a 4 mile run before the weather got too hot this morning. It was about 65F/18C while I was out, but later today the mercury is going to reach 90F/32C.

SoberLeigh

Thanks, Della; it torments my daughter and SIL and haunts me; Juan and Vanessa were so young; their deaths were so senseless.

SoberLeigh

There is some really good running weather headed this way and I believe your way, too!!!!!

Gonnachange

Yes, their deaths were tragically senseless and I'm sorry that your daughter and SIL are grieving so badly. I can't begin to imagine what the parents of Juan and Vanessa going through.

Yes there is. I don't like to run two days in a row so I'll be out again on Thursday. After that I'm not sure because until the following Monday we'll be away doing things related to my daughter's college graduation and then bringing my son back to his college.

Gonnachange

Been one of those hour by hour days, but by using a number of tools in my toolbox I'm sober and intend to hit my pillow that way tonight. I have some physical symptoms like sweats, stomach discomfort, and shakes that my AV has been trying to convince me will be alleviated by "just one." I'm not buying it. I'm also not buying that "just one" will help me calm down and not be so anxious about hearing the results from my lung scan last week. My plan for that is to go to the gym to lift and work off some nervous energy before my pulmonologist appointment.

Gonnachange

My AV, after battling for the better part of this afternoon, has quietly retreated somewhere. I'm not unequivocally stating that it won't resurface later, but there shouldn't be any triggers tonight. It's going to be a quiet evening at home, hopefully an early one (yeah I know I wrote that yesterday also), and since I'm still working through leftovers from our Mother's Day party I won't be spending much time preparing dinner, an activity that I've often done with a drink on the counter. Also, I plan on starting a new book club book tonight and memory recall of a lot of the nuances of most books is easier for me when there's no alcohol involved.

I've seen this pattern before, where I'm fine during social activities during the weekend, but then early in the work week I have trouble or at least things don't go as smoothly. I'm chalking it up to the unevenness of still being early in the process and am not going to analyze too much. Instead I'll focus on the simplicity of the AVRT big plan statement.

Gonnachange

Last night went according to plan and I was at the gym this morning working off some nervous energy. Although I've been anxious about what I was going to hear from my pulmonologist for a couple of days around mid morning a sense of calm came over me; the odds were in my favor and whatever was happening I'll deal with it. It was a glimpse of the "old me" and I want to see more of him. As for the medical news, the good news is that my lung nodule has not changed. The not so good news is that I have pneumonia. Not a bad case, but she gave me a 'script for antibiotics and wants to take another scan in three months. She was a little surprised I was able to run a ten mile race ten days ago, but did not restrict me from any activities so that's a positive.

SoberLeigh

GC, I am a little late in catching up. Good to hear that your nodule is status-quo.

I can't believe that you were able to run with pneumonia, either - Wow. Hope it clears quickly. Take it easy; keep pushing that club soda.

Calitano

Glad to hear the good news GC.
Take care of yourself though!!! Pneumonia does not sound like any kind of fun…