Melina

Hi Kaneda!

How are things? What's new with you? I would like it if you posted or messaged me the Buddhist meditation link you mentioned.

You are right about the loneliness! It's like the AV. If I can just get in enough deep breaths and calm my mind down for a second, I can gain the clarity that tells me the present moment is all we have, and I can get through any difficulty moment by moment.

And then loneliness/AV/anger whatever it is subsides.

I'm not batting perfectly with this, but I'm pleased with how it's going so far.
Have a great day, everyone!

Melina

Hi guys!

How's everyone?

Last night was a bummer. I think I've been planning to drink for the past few nights. Last night I was considering going to my apartment where I can drink. I was counting how many hours I could drink before I could get enough sleep to not be too hungover for work. I was even reminding myself to buy Gatorade for the morning. I was planning it all out.

It wasn't that I was thinking I can safely drink or anything. This was a desire to numb out. Things aren't terrible in my life, but I do have some stressors, like we all do.

As soon as I got to where I'm staying recently (not my apt), I took a shower and got in bed.

I'm so happy I didn't drink. I know I don't even want to drink.

I really need to figure out and bolster different responses to stress. It bothers me that 'go get drunk' is still in the arsenal.

I have opportunities to drink this week, as I will be staying in my apartment alone to pack it up and move out this week. I'm stressed bc I'm staying at my boyfriend's for a month tops while I find my own place. I was supposed to move in with him for real but he broke some trust with me and I think it's best to get my own space. He wants us to work everything out and that is causing me stress. I know I don't want to.

Writing this out makes me feel better. There is absolutely no reason to drink over this.

I'm going to commit to going to a meeting everyday while I'm at my apartment. There are a ton of cool meetings I've missed attending since I've been staying in another area.

Have a great day, everyone. Thanks for reading.

Xoxo,
Melina

Dee74

I'm happy you didn't drink either melina - well done

D

Kaneda8888

Hi Melina

I sent you a PM. Enjoy !

Kaneda8888

Hey Melina

I believe you've nailed the problem. Developing different coping mechanisms to deal with emotional distress. That was my problem at the beginning. I solved (or medicated) all my emotional stress with alcohol. After seeing a psychologist for many sessions, I managed to develop alternative coping mechanisms. It took a few months but with practice , it got a little better each time. I had other aspects to my plan but it was my sessions with a psychologist that helped me with this aspect.

Food for thought I am happy too that you didnt drink ! Well done Melina !!

Melina

Thanks, gentlemen!

I'm glad I didn't drink. I have been leaning in the direction of drinking tonight... due to timing and circumstance, I would be alone tonight and have all day to sleep it off tomorrow.

This past week when I've been wanting that numbness, that mental checkout, I keep saying to save it for Monday night.

Now that Monday is here, I have to deal with this.

Luckily, I woke up this morning and the very first thought that popped into my mind was, 'you're not drinking tonight. You are not. You have a lot of packing and moving to do this week and you are going to do it clear-headed like a reasonable adult accomplishing a goal. You are going to make yourself proud.'

I was going to sleep at my apartment tonight but I changed my plans so I won't be alone. I won't be in a position to drink, and I will wake up sober tmro so grateful I have the full three days to dedicate to getting out of my apartment.

Otherwise, I would've been hungover and beating myself up mentally all day tmro, half ass packing the next day (probably drinking again) and panicking the third day. A sad mess and very indicative of most of my behaviors my adult life.

I thought everything through and I'm not going to drink. I want to be proud of myself for dealing with a task that is really no big deal without making it hard on myself.

Once I shine a light on everything, it really comes down to learning new methods for responding to stress, fear and all the emotions I drank over.

Now that I am past the immediate physical addiction to alcohol, I am looking forward to building myself as an adult with better and healthier responses to life's stuff.

I know Monday isn't over yet, but I feel calm and in control of my actions today. I won't permit a chance to slip and fall into a bottle of Jameson and pretend I have no idea how it happened. I know what's going on and I choose to be sober today no matter what. I won't look for any excuses or justifications. I will keep this week's responsibilities in mind and not isolate by thinking accountability only to myself doesn't count.

If a drunk gets drunk by herself and no one knows, did it really happen? That's how I used to justify my drinking. I'm choosing to be accountable to myself. I matter. Even when no one is watching.

Best,
Melina

Kaneda8888

Mindfulness, being present in the now...all good stuff indeed ! Well done, Melina !

Melina

Last night I was offered my choice of some bottles of wine to take home bc the bar manager is changing the wine list.... I said thank you, I'll grab one on the way out. I didn't, though.

Normies really are different! The woman who offered it to me knows I can't drink safely. She sweetly said, 'I know you don't drink but do you want to take one of these? You could bring it as a gift to a party.'

Baahahahahaha! The party would've been party of one, wine chased with Jameson, looking up sappy crap on YouTube and inappropriately Facebook messaging people I never normally speak to. Bless her heart, I know she thought she was being nice.

Wish me luck, I've made it through most of my hurdles this past week with the AV. I will be alone in my apt the next few days, packing and getting storage, etc. I would like to get through this strong and sober. I am feeling twitchy even though I don't want a hangover and I don't even know why the heck I would drink, knowing it's a terrible decision.

Keep me in your thoughts.

Best,
Melina

Kaneda8888

Hi Melina

I usually check this thread every day so do holler if you feel a bit iffy

I had believed that loneliness was a big trigger for me in my drinking. When I lived alone in Asia I would dread coming back to the apartment at night as I knew I would succumb to drinking. AA also says its one of the big 4 triggers (Hunger, Anger, Lonely, Tired). After spending time in AA and having a lot of psych sessions, I realised that it wasn't loneliness per se that caused me to drink. It was the fact that I was filled with self loathing. I hated myself because of the drinking and all the stupid and shameful acts that followed it. That is to say, I couldn't stand being by myself that caused me to drink.

Over time, I am managing to forgive myself for the past. There is still some way to go I reckon but my outlook now is significantly different now that I have stayed abstinent (fingers crossed). In my recent travels to Asia, once again, I have been by myself. Sometimes for almost a month. But, while I do feel a bit of loneliness, it now passes after a short while and I get busy with an activity (reading, watching movies, meditation, exploring weird neighbourhoods, etc).

Having said all that, it does take time. It certainly didnt happen overnight !

AS far as you are concerned, I would think its important to be active, I mean physically active. That could be cleaning the apartment, going out to see a movie , getting a nice meal, listening to music, getting some fresh air (really good for you). The key thing is not to sit and stew in your thoughts. Thats danger time ! Post here as much as you want even if its a completely random thought !

You're in my thoughts, Melina !

Melina

Thank you, buddy!

Tell me about Asia, as much as you'd like to share. I visited Tokyo and Shizuoka last year and it was wonderful! I have a history of studying Japanese in college, although I've forgotten almost all, and as a chef I am fascinated by the food culture. I got to visit Tsukiji market and I spent a lot of time in markets in Shizuoka.

So where have you been traveling in Asia? What are your favorite things to eat there?

I did end up drinking last night. It wasn't inevitable but it was crazy-making leading up to it. I was definitely hungry and lonely. I am not suffering too badly today physically although I know I could've made it another sober night if I would have tried harder. I felt so much pressure. Not much I can say to justify it, I just did it.

It's a bummer starting my day count over. I have an app for that and I get excited watching the number get higher. It also brings a bit of pressure at the same time.

I hope everyone is doing well. I won't be drinking tonight. I'm going to head over to the community garden where I have a plot and plant some tomatoes, chile peppers and herbs. It'll be a nice break from packing.

Best,
Melina

Kaneda8888

Hey Melina

Sorry to hear you drank last night. Doesn't sound like you went overboard. Did your mind just go on autopilot ? That was what happened to me a lot. I used to be in this trance like state and the next thing you know I am at the liquor store. Need to be mindful of that. For me, it happens whenever my emotions began to darken and then I would switch off to avoid the feeling. One of the coping tools I learnt was to actually accept the negative emotion but not to take action on it.

Asia ? Gosh, I lived in Asia for many years. I think I've been to almost every country ! So, pick one

Melina

I felt like I was fighting until I wasn't anymore. Like it was easier to just drink than to worry about how much more pressure could build up inside me of me. Sounds dumb.

I did go plant today, I feel good. I went to a nearby restaurant and had a great burger and fries with an iced tea.

I'm way behind on packing, but I asked for help that is coming tmro.

No cravings to drink. I think that's out of my system for now. I will keep fighting.

Tell me about Japan! And the food everywhere!

GotGrace

Just popping in to say how proud I am of you Melina! You have really changed and it's so great to hear your new voice! Keep posting. Being here every day was one of the most helpful ways I stayed sober during the first year.

Melina

Thanks Grace!

I have been sober 107 out of the last 116 days. I'm not trying to minimize the nine times I have drank since February, but a lot has changed for me drinking that little. I was a nightly blackout drinker for a long long time. 107 sober sleeps have helped me tremendously in a lot of ways.

There have been a lot of changes in the way I think and I mostly really really like the changes.

I'm finding I still have a resentment over the basic care of myself, like this packing and moving that has to get done, ugh. But in other areas I feel unstoppable with positive energy, like at work.

I'm trying to be very patient with myself and recognize the small victories... Like when I go into the produce cooler at work and actually remember why I walked in there, heehee!

I don't think I will return to how I used to drink. It repulsed me. I also am not interested in pretending I am ok to drinking in moderation. Don't want that either.

These episodes, the nine times I drank.... I don't want to do that, even occasionally. That's where I really need to fight and practice a heck of a lot more self care. I knew I was really hungry last night. I told myself several times that if I ate the idea of drinking would go away. But I didn't eat and I went to buy alcohol instead of food.

Sometimes I abandon myself when I most need to show myself compassion and care. That is something to ponder. I don't want to drink a couple times a month for no good reason. I'd like to stay stopped. I think it's pretty exciting and cool to be a non-drinker. I used to not think that and now I think it's actually very amazing and something I really want for myself.

I know it's my choice. I'm not going to give up.

It's good to hear from you, Grace! How are things?

Kaneda8888

Its not dumb. That is how we naturally deal with confronting issues. We adopt a fight or flight attitude. Just as a suggestion, why not try to simply accept ? I used this analogy before in our Sept thread as follows. Imagine your distressing or negative emotion is like a relative that you dont like coming over to your house for a family gathering. You dont like this guest at all. However, he knocks at the door and as the host, you politely greet him and then set him down at the dinner table. Make some pleasantries and them simply leave him there. You go on and continue with your other things and enjoy the company of those you do like. That is how you treat a negative emotion. Dont fight it, simply accept it. Acknowledge it is there and then leave it be. Move onto doing something else. The negative emotion is simply that, a feeling which has no physical form, it cant hurt you and it will pass. It will feel uncomfortable but know that you dont need to take any action on it and it will eventually go away.

Japan, eh ? I've mainly been to Tokyo though have visited Osaka, Kyoto and day trips to Kobe and Nara. Its a very different country to the rest of Asia. Much more modern and a very strong culture. I found the locals are amazingly polite. I remember being with my family and we got lost looking for a restaurant somewhere in Tokyo. I asked a passerby on the street for directions. Despite seeming very busy, she didnt simply give us directions. Rather, she guided us all the way to the doorstep of the restaurant which was miles out of her way. Astonishing. You've been to Tokyo so I suggest you try Osaka next. The food isnt as varied as Tokyo but certain sections of the city are very beautiful. There is one street which is simply exquisite. The only way to describe it is it looks manicured. The cobble stones are perfectly placed, the houses are immaculate, the trees are perfectly trimmed and not a speck of dirt anywhere. I could go on but it will take forever. The most memorable food was in Kobe. We took a bullet train to Kobe and had the famous Kobe beef. Forget Wagyu, it pales in comparison. Even Kobe overseas was nothing compared to this experience. The beef was incredibly rich, melted like butter in your mouth and had you purring !

Kaneda8888

Hi Grace !

Hope all is well with you !

Melina

I really like that about the relative you don't like coming to visit.

I learned to acknowledge and observe anxiety when I used to get anxiety and panic attacks. I would recognize it and then let it drift away.

I really like the idea of humanizing it. Putting a face on it. I think that will reinforce more than just acknowledging the thought.

I'll let you know how it goes next time I feel the pressure again.

Thank you for describing some of your travels! I would love to volunteer on an organic farm or with beekeepers in Japan for a summer and go somewhere very rural and quiet.

Kaneda8888

Hey Melina !
How are you doing ?
Cheers
K

workoholic

Hey everyone! I'm doing sober (more important than good) and pretty good to
In the countryside of southeastern Portugal in a town called Évora. It gets hot between noon and evening so I will try to get some sightseeing done before siesta time, haha .
Everyday life has been stable, It's a chaotic workplace so It's good that I'm sober and can deal with it. I'll check in later!

Dee74

good to hear from you workaholic

D