michaels_w

So, now I have to play fair? Very well. No pity for "that guy". LOL. I knew that there was something to your name, sass.

peace.

Gilmer

So profoundly sad today. Nothing anyone can say or do. Just wanted to put it out there.

gleefan

(((((Gilmer)))))) - big hugs for you.

Carlos - great input about your experiences in aa. I hope that someday I can say the same!

I think my position on the thread is the way back of the station wagon facing the opposite way!!

I hope all are well.

trachemys

What happenned?

DrakeCKC

Gilmer

Saskia

(((Gilmer))). Whatever is causing you to feel so sad, I hope it gets better soon.

Carlos, thanks for sharing your thoughts on AA. I have been avoiding going due to a less than good experience but finally decided I was being foolish. I went to a different meeting this past Sunday and it was a good one! I plan to keep going to that one and also try others. I've had too many relapses and know I need a permanent avenue of support.

MW, yep, there is definitely a connection between my name and attitude, lol.

Gilmer

My husband said that his parents didn't have anything to be proud of him about (which is false): he didn't go to a great college, he didn't have a great marriage, the kids werent' real high achievers.

Two weeks ago I brought up some things that i thought he could work on. He responded with an insistence that he was totally justified, and then reiterated a boatload of my failings. We kind of have a catch 22 going; trust was broken for both of us early in the marriage, and we have always kind of made the best out of a bad situation.

I want to build it into a real marriage, but it just seems so hopeless. He is unwilling to go outside of his comfort zone to change. I have always endeavored to change to suit him. There are so many issues that both of us bring to the situation, not the least of which has been my bipolarity over the years. He has put up with a lot. I have, too, though.

Thank God for watching TV! I fear that by bringing the stuff up a couple of weeks ago i made things much worse instead of infusing new hope for progress into the thing. And we are on our thirty-year anniversary vacation. i kind of wish it would have been more--tender--but that's just not going to happen.

I've got a lot of things wrong with me, and lately I've been very nitpicky. I really want to try to improve--but it seems all I did was ruin what little we had of the status quo.

IWLSAST

Sorry that you are feeling so low, ((Gilmer)).

I hope that you feel better soon.

You know that we are here for you if or when you might want to share.

Gilmer

Thanks. I didn't want to say anything at first; but i just read somebody's post awhile back that said that it became easy to just skim the threads without sharing things that really mattered; and that's what i was really tempted to do--because where do I start?

I assure you that "nice Gilmer" was a very bad wife until about 10 years ago. i wish we could just start with a clean slate and not think about the past, but that doesn't work for him. He just doesn't trust me. It is hard to love unswervingly when no real regard is given; so it's a catch-22.

For years we did a great job of getting along and enjoying the positive things in our lives (and we have many). But lately we've both been so sad and feeling like, "we're stuck."

Neither of us believes in divorce except for the specific biblical allowances.

I want to get myself into a more grateful frame of mind. We have many blessings, and there is plenty of good about him. We used to coexist rather well--no feathers were ruffled.

Prov. 14:1--"The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one tears hers down with her own hands."

Is that what I've done? Before with crises, he would be angry and distance for about a month, then things would slowly go back to normal. Now I'm the one who's not normal. I fear I've opened Pandora's box.

Gilmer

That wasn't exactly sobriety-related (although I did used to drink my sorrows away to an extent). Sorry if it was TMI. I feel like I was grossly inappropriate.

Alysheba

(((Gilmer)))

Saskia

Gilmer, very rarely are problems between two people totally one-sided. That said, we can only work on our own stuff and can't force someone else to change. I've known you for a good while in these SR rooms and you have been unfailingly kind. I understand your commitment and also realize that neither I nor anyone else on these threads can fix this. However, we can support you with prayer and listening as you work through this. Anytime you want to share, I hope you will do that. (((Hugs)))!

SparkyMcSparky

Hey Gilmer,

I am so sorry to hear this. But the truth is better than the staus quo. I am beginning to understand that tucking things away damamges ourselves more than its worth.

Thinking about you,

Sparky

trachemys

Long term relationships are not where I give advice. It sounds like you two try hard. Maybe counseling?

michaels_w

My gilmer,

You have me by a couple of years in this marriage "deal" so I won't even pretend to know anything about it. I just know that I "broke trust", as well, in my marriage, through my addiction. We, too, have made the best of a bad situation.

I can tell you that men are strange creatures. Just try and get me out of my comfort zone. Pulling teeth is easier. Just ask my missus.

That's why I said, the other day, that you and her would get along well. I also mentioned, then, that you both would probably just laugh at your two guys. It's true. We men are laughable, some times.

I meant what I said, then, that your mister is a lucky guy. Guys just need a different kind of attention. Call it ego, or whatever. I think it's just that way.

Forgive me, if I say more than I should. I do that some times too. It is from my heart, though.

peace.

courage2

Gilmer, I feel for you. You're not a bad person and marriage is a very complicated thing. I do believe yours will heal if you keep trying to care for one another, to the best of your abilities. It will have scars, as does every long relationship, but learning to live with those is part of the pride of surviving the battle. My husband and I, despite >30 years together, have never really trusted one another. But now, as he's had medical problems and I've gotten sober, we have to help one another in new ways -- and things are different. I believe that you and your husband will have better days, because you're in it for something more profound than physical attraction or even companionship. Maybe I only mean that continuing to support one another through the inadequacies and troubles of a human bond because you are married, is my definition of a successful marriage.

northof49

((((Gilmer)))) I have no words of wisdom or magical advice to help you with the feelings you're going through..... I have failed miserably in the marriage and sobriety departments, so it would be like the pot calling the kettle black. What I can tell you, is that only you have the answers you are seeking.. With your faith and spirituality, sometimes you just have to do what your heart tells you, and leave the rest to God.

One of my last amends to make is to my ex, and for my 2 slips, she was my excuse. Deep in my heart I know that I will never actually make those amends, not because I don't want to, but because of the way she would undoubtably use the words against me. But reading through the BB, SR posts, Daily Reflections, and discussions at my AA meetings, I have finally come to peace with it, have done all that I can, and I'm leaving it in God's hands.

I need to do that more often, when I get angry, or worked up at things I can't control, I need to step back and hand it over to Him, He will, in His own way, show me my way.....

DrakeCKC

Greets Undies. Rats... the zoloft my Dr prescribed has kicked me good. I got real tired around 3:30PM and laid down. Next thing I knew I awoke at almost 7PM all groggy and foggy I had to check if I had been on some binge, it was just like that.

Slept horrible last night, tonight seems as bad. If this is what it is going to be... I'll pass.

Oh well, thanks for listening Undies... you may see me on at 2AM here....

northof49

Hi Undies! I've been a bit quiet lately, coming to terms with what I really need to do, and the changes I have to make to once and for all stay sober. I posted it in the August, 2014 thread, but I want to share it with all the Undie's as well......

I had 2 months sobriety starting back in November, and a night of convincing myself that I could return to being a normal drinker erased it that quick. Started again the very next day and got over 7 months behind me, and I let anger lead me back to the beer! Started again the next day after a heart to heart with my wife. She said some things to me that made perfect sense. If I continually berate myself by continuing to see and call myself an alcoholic, then I would probably always be one. So from that day forward, I'm calling myself an alcoholism survivor. She also asked why I kept counting my days and months? To reassure myself that I am normal? That also made sense since we battle our addictions one day at a time. So, I put away all the sobriety coins I had earned except one, my 24 hour coin. I drilled a small hole in it and put it on my key ring. Every morning when I get into my truck to go to work, I hold that coin and ask God for the strength to get through the next 24 hours sober. After all, as Abraham Lincoln said "the best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time"

I cherish the friendships I have made here, look forward to the new ones I'm going to make, and above all, show as much love and support that has been shown to me!

Gilmer

Thanks, you guys. I fear that I have been much less rational lately. At any rate, tonight we visited our two oldest sons and took them out to a nice dinner. It was a good time in their company, and the mood was easier and much more natural on the drive back to the hotel. I feel much more relieved now than I did when I core-dumped this afternoon.

Thanks for all your kind words and support! God is merciful.