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Class Of February 2014 Part 10

Old 10-25-2014, 10:02 PM
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Casinva - Like you, my anxiety is a constant companion, but the panic attacks are getting less frequent (though I don't have it beat to the same extent as you do). I think recovery from anxiety is like recovery from addiction in that it requires vigilance. On Thursday I had a significant panic attack while driving to the gym that sent me circling back home. I felt so defeated and angry and frustrated at my self, my emerging higher power, everything. That afternoon I came around to realizing that one panic attack doesn't negate all the hard work I've done, nor does it mean that I'm headed back to a life ruled by them.

I have regrets, too, about what I've missed or messed up due to anxiety or drinking. I think that AA's Step 4 deals with processing resentments and regrets. If you're not in AA, it could be worth working on a step 4 activity with a therapist, or any process of letting go to give you the freedom to move forward without being weighed down by the past.

Lulu - I like the concept you use of past monsters, especially with halloween coming up. As parents we don't know how our children's development is going to unfold, or if something we've done will affect it. Do you know what the signs are of developmental delays due to alcohol? My advice, both as a parent and a child care provider, is to learn what to look for, and keep your eyes open, and never hesitate to get a professional opinion from a child development specialist. Don't live your life in fear, though, and enjoy that baby!
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Old 10-27-2014, 05:05 PM
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Hi everyone,

Just checking in. I know I check in a lot. This might sound loser-ish but it's because I get lonely. I'm an introvert by nature, but that doesn't mean I always like to be alone. Even though I'm a stay at home mom, and I'm technically not alone, I don't have anyone to talk to during the day. So for a social life I have you (SR), my husband, Facebook, and a couple of other moms I meet up with once or twice a week. I don't know that I really want more than that because, like I said, I'm an introvert. But that's the reason why I'm on here so much.

I miss that aspect of my job. I miss my nurse friends. They got my sick and twisted jokes. They understood me. But when I quit they moved on, naturally. I still keep in touch with some of them. Mostly through Facebook. Sometimes I even miss just being a nurse. I was proud of it. I wanted to be a doctor, but I never made it. It was a decision I made. I love medicine, but not that much. Doctors live and breathe medicine and I didn't want that. I plan on going back after Nulu #2. I don't like to work as a nurse while pregnant. I respect those nurses who do, but I choose not to. I don't feel satisfied with my career at all. I didn't end up where I wanted to be. When I go back I want to work toward getting back in the ER or ICU. Then I want to get my master's degree eventually.

Ugh, ok I'll be honest. Maybe I feel a twinge of regret about not going to medical school, or at least CRNA school. And yes, I feel like it's too late. But what it all REALLY boils down to is that I just don't want to at this point in my life. Could I have done it before I had children and gotten older? Probably. I think that's when you have to do it. When your life is a little simpler. When you can jump in that pool without getting overwhelmed. Could I pack up my family, force my husband to quit his cozy job, relocate to a different state where I could go to medical school or CRNA school, pay thousands of dollars in tuition, and spend hundreds of hours away from my family studying? Yeah, I guess you could say it's possible. But do I really think that's a good idea for my family? No. I made a decision a few years ago when my husband sat down with me and told me he'd follow me wherever I decided to go with my career. I decided to do nothing. It was a decision I made out of fear and because I didn't have to think about it because I had my old pal booze. Now it's too late, but it's OK. There are still a lot of things I can do with my career once the time comes.

Wow, this turned into kind of a rant session, didn't it? Yet, it feels good to get it off my chest. It's been weighing on my mind a bit lately. I think I'm having a mid life crises. I feel like life has gone by so fast and I'm not near where I pictured I'd be. I'm starting to see wrinkles on my face and I don't get hit on like I used to. I thought by the time I was 30 I'd be graduating from medical school, or I'd be in some OR working as a CRNA, or I'd at least be a badass flight nurse. Instead, I'm just a stay at home mom. Complete 180 from where I thought I'd be. I know, I know. Being a stay at home mom is an important job, etc etc. It's just not what I had in mind. Many of my nursing school colleagues have gone on to be CRNAs or nurse midwives or nurse practitioners. One of them even has her PhD. I always thought I'd be ahead of them or at least right there with them. I was the one who went straight to the ER after school. I was also the one who got a DUI on her last day of nursing school : Now I'm still ye old standard nurse. I don't even work in the ER anymore. The last job I had was practically on the floor *scoff*.

Sometimes I feel like I wasted a lot of time during my alcoholism and I threw away some dreams. But, that's the past and I can't change it now. I still have a lot left, anyway. I have a bachelor's degree in nursing and a ton of experience under my belt. I should enjoy this "break" with my baby while I can. One day I'll go back to work and I'll probably be on here ranting about that lol.

I hope you're all having a good night tonight. Thinking of you all...
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Old 10-28-2014, 09:05 AM
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Lulu, it's so important to get this kind of stuff off our chests and I'm glad you shared your rant. Nursing is a wonderful profession and one you should be very proud of. I am a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason. That DUI, while it might have sidetracked your career, probably saved your life in the long run. And I know I hated it when people used to tell me this when I was your age but you're still so young! You'll definitely find your niche again. I promise!

I think it's human nature to second guess our decisions. Facebook is wonderful for allowing us to do so when we see high school and college classmates that are now doctors, successful business people making millions, etc. I sometimes have to take Facebook breaks for this very reason. It's depressing, lol! But then I realize what I do have - my sobriety, a wonderful husband, two fantastic teenage boys, and most importantly our health - and I feel better.

I think we all wasted a lot of time during our alcoholism. But the good news is we are fortunate to have lived to have the regrets. And I don't say that flippantly.

My youngest is a 10th grader and I could very easily go back to work now. To be honest with you, I'm afraid. I've given myself a goal of finding something at the beginning of the new year. Once I figure out what it is I want to do now, that is.

Hope everyone is doing well!
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Old 10-29-2014, 03:51 AM
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Hi Febbies,

Lulu - I completely understand and can relate to what you're saying about where you are versus where you thought you'd be in life. Where you thought you should be and where you're going don't have to match, but if you want them to, they can. I read a wonderful book when I was feeling the same way, called "Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life" by James Hollis, a Jungian psychologist. It's dense reading. I took my time with it, absorbed it, thought about it. The concepts that resonated with me at the time have driven a lot of my growth in early sobriety. He has another book, "What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life." Addiction held me back. One of the gifts I've found in sobriety is being able to think about what I want AND being able to get back out and achieve it.

Casinva - I've had a lot of ideas of what I might want to do "when I grow up." Sobriety reopened the part of my mind that dreamed about and planned for the future. I could toss ideas around indefinitely and never do anything about them. Eventually I had to give myself a deadline to choose one idea and act on it.

Off to work. Have a good day Febbies!
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Old 10-29-2014, 11:31 AM
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How's the new job Glee?
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Old 10-29-2014, 03:37 PM
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I am spending the first 3 weeks studying for a series 6 exam to get a license to sell mutual funds. I've never taken a business class in my life, so this is my first exposure to this type of material. It's interesting but I'm a bit overwhelmed at how much I need to know in a short time. There is a group of recruits learning this alongside me. We are all in the trenches together, studying all day long at our desks then going home to study for a few hours every night. It's a lot of time and effort.

My sponsor kind of threw me for a loop today. She was disappointed that I'm missing a meeting tonight (to study). She says what ever you put before sobriety you lose; sobriety comes first. She's going to be disappointed for the next two and a half weeks til I take this exam. She doesn't seem to understand the time and effort involved because she was also upset that I didn't offer to do service at a meeting this month. She also told me that I say Im "too busy" to put up walls.

In the past I would have amplified my stress over our misunderstanding, pulled people into my emotional whirlwind (or at least tried to), and frankly drank over it. Today I felt the stress. As it grew, I figured out how to modulate it. Then I processed through the problem, brainstormed a few solutions, and moved back on to my work.

Can I run them by the Febbies? I could:
- ignore what she said
- tell her that I don't like the meeting she wants me to do service at, that I just go to make her happy, and that id do service if it were at the meeting I preferred to be at that day
- tell her I prefer a different meeting and leave out the service part
- explain the overtime hours needed to study for the test outside of work, and tell her that my career hinges on it so it's nonnegotiable for me me to skip studying
- i agree sobriety is important but I don't think she realizes that I have an ongoing daily discussion about sobriety on SR. I don't want to give up my online anonymity to her, though. (Giving it up to someone in real life is different than developing an outside friendship with existing, active SR users).

Let me know what you think. Even though I haven't been able to post every day this week with all the studying I'm doing, I am still thinking of everyone here daily. I love you guys!
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Old 10-29-2014, 04:50 PM
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Originally Posted by gleefan View Post
Can I run them by the Febbies? I could:
- ignore what she said
It's bothering you so ignoring it is just going to make it fester.
- tell her that I don't like the meeting she wants me to do service at, that I just go to make her happy, and that id do service if it were at the meeting I preferred to be at that day
Is this how you really feel? Do you want to do service at a different meeting? I am getting the impression you don't really want to do service. (What exactly is service anyway? I don't attend AA so I don't know.)
- tell her I prefer a different meeting and leave out the service part
This sounds like what you're leaning towards once the studying is done. But I might be wrong.
- explain the overtime hours needed to study for the test outside of work, and tell her that my career hinges on it so it's nonnegotiable for me me to skip studying
Personally, this is what I would say and ask her how she can help support you through this.
- i agree sobriety is important but I don't think she realizes that I have an ongoing daily discussion about sobriety on SR. I don't want to give up my online anonymity to her, though. (Giving it up to someone in real life is different than developing an outside friendship with existing, active SR users).
You don't have to say SR. Just say you're involved with an online group. Also, is she willing to touch base with you on the phone until you have taken the test?
My replies are above in blue. I don't know this person or what you have shared with her in the past so please take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt. I personally would have been offended if someone made that kind of comment to me about not putting sobriety first. What does she expect you to do - go to meetings all day long, every day? She's supposed to be supporting you in this and finding ways to make things work, not passing judgment because you're not doing things how she wants them done. And you know what? You ARE busy right now. That's not necessarily a bad thing as long as you are able to find the right balance.

Your job sounds very exciting! You sound like you're in a really good place and I'm so happy for you.
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Old 10-29-2014, 09:17 PM
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Opinions. everyones got one

I agree with the spirit of 'what ever you put before sobriety you lose; sobriety comes first'....but practically? thats a hard call. Life goes on.

Fair enough to be criticised if you blow off the meeting to sit home and watch TV...but exams are pretty serious.

Tell her Dee said the programme is in the steps, not the meetings
lol
D

Originally Posted by gleefan View Post
My sponsor kind of threw me for a loop today. She was disappointed that I'm missing a meeting tonight (to study). She says what ever you put before sobriety you lose; sobriety comes first. She's going to be disappointed for the next two and a half weeks til I take this exam. She doesn't seem to understand the time and effort involved because she was also upset that I didn't offer to do service at a meeting this month. She also told me that I say Im "too busy" to put up walls.

In the past I would have amplified my stress over our misunderstanding, pulled people into my emotional whirlwind (or at least tried to), and frankly drank over it. Today I felt the stress. As it grew, I figured out how to modulate it. Then I processed through the problem, brainstormed a few solutions, and moved back on to my work.

Can I run them by the Febbies? I could:
- ignore what she said
- tell her that I don't like the meeting she wants me to do service at, that I just go to make her happy, and that id do service if it were at the meeting I preferred to be at that day
- tell her I prefer a different meeting and leave out the service part
- explain the overtime hours needed to study for the test outside of work, and tell her that my career hinges on it so it's nonnegotiable for me me to skip studying
- i agree sobriety is important but I don't think she realizes that I have an ongoing daily discussion about sobriety on SR. I don't want to give up my online anonymity to her, though. (Giving it up to someone in real life is different than developing an outside friendship with existing, active SR users).

Let me know what you think. Even though I haven't been able to post every day this week with all the studying I'm doing, I am still thinking of everyone here daily. I love you guys!
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Old 10-30-2014, 02:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Tell her Dee said the programme is in the steps, not the meetings
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Old 10-30-2014, 05:43 AM
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Thanks guys. I appreciate the perspective. I was trying to discuss with my husband last night, but he's not exactly a fan of any program that promotes sobriety, so his opinions are skewed.

Old habits die hard. Even in recovery I struggle with my boundaries and with people, places, things that feel punishing. The good news is that I realized it sooner rather than later, and that I'm trying to move forward with a minimum of drama and strife, rather than dwell on it endlessly. I am grateful for recovery!
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Old 10-30-2014, 06:23 AM
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Glee, I feel like there is a purpose under all of the "rules" of AA and sometimes people forget those purposes and become focused on the rules. Like, I feel like the purpose of meetings is so you can be reminded of how serious alcoholism through newcomers, people sharing their stories, discussing the BB etc. And I feel like the purpose of doing service through AA is so that you can get out of yourself and feel good about yourself for doing something to help others out.

That being said, I think it's still very important for you to go to the meetings and do service, but you still have a life outside AA too. In other words, I think there needs to be a balance. I think it might be unhealthy if you completely immersed yourself in studying all the time and likewise it'd be unhealthy for you to disregard your responsibilities for AA. Perhaps you could be honest with your sponsor and say "Hey, I have these responsibilities right now. It's important to me to do well at my new job, but my sobriety is still #1 on my priorities and I'm doing my best to balance both out". I think your sponsor is just worried that you're standing on a slippery slope and if you miss one meeting then you'll start missing a bunch of meetings, etc. But I think as long as you're getting what you need in AA and continuing to practice the steps, you're doing what you need to do to stay sober. At the end of the day I think it's up to you and what you feel is best for Glee.
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Old 10-30-2014, 11:41 AM
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Thanks Lulu. I need to explain my perspective and understand that if she wants to part ways because I'm not meeting her requirements, that it's not my "fault." It's such a gift to hear everyone's perspective. Bit by bit my walls are coming down. Is that a non-humble thing to say? (Scratches head).

It's been a loooong time (16 years) since I've taken a test. I'm glad this studying is for a finite period. I learn by writing and I have a callus on my finger and a blister on the callus. :o

Have a good day Febbies. Thanks so much for the support.
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Old 10-30-2014, 11:47 AM
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Glee- I agree that sobriety should come first but I have to think that studying for, taking and passing that test is an integral part of the healthy, happy, sober Glee. There is a balance to be struck and as long as the scales remain squarely weighted on the side of sobriety, you ARE keeping sobriety first. In my opinion, studying for that test added more weight to the sobriety side of the scale.

As always, you are doing beautifully.
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Old 10-30-2014, 12:37 PM
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Hi all, just checking back in on another Day 1, had a four day relapse that was a very stupid mistake. Absolutely determined to do it right this time. I'm reading Rational Recovery now and plan on going back to the doctor's, maybe they can point me towards a few more options.

I'm so glad you're all here and I found this site, in the earlier days when I had no support at all I would of let the four days turn into four weeks (Or years) But knowing I have somewhere to come and get new ideas and support is so helpful.

How's everyone doing?
X
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Old 10-30-2014, 12:37 PM
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Thanks SL!
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Old 10-30-2014, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by LonelyShadow View Post
Hi all, just checking back in on another Day 1, had a four day relapse that was a very stupid mistake. Absolutely determined to do it right this time. I'm reading Rational Recovery now and plan on going back to the doctor's, maybe they can point me towards a few more options.

I'm so glad you're all here and I found this site, in the earlier days when I had no support at all I would of let the four days turn into four weeks (Or years) But knowing I have somewhere to come and get new ideas and support is so helpful.

How's everyone doing?
X

Holding you close, LS. The Febbies love you and we are glad that you are here, that you jumped back into sobriety, and that you are boosting your plan.
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Old 10-30-2014, 12:45 PM
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Where are you, Torn?
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Old 10-30-2014, 12:47 PM
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Oh I thought it might also help me to write down the madness of the relapse before I minimise it in my mind or somehow convince myself it wasn't that bad;

- Driving drunk, to the off-licence, at 10:30 on a Monday morning to buy 12 ciders
- Missing three days of work
- Having such vivid and horrific nightmares I suspect I may have been hallucinating
- Numerous bizarre messages and conversations online to various friends and acquaintances
- Being violently sick and worrying that if I kept throwing up I wouldn't be able to keep the alcohol inside me
- Taking five full binliners of empty cider cans to the recycling centre this morning

This is such madness, I have GOT to stop this cycle.
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Old 10-30-2014, 12:50 PM
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Thank you SoberLeigh, I feel the love
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Old 10-30-2014, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by LonelyShadow View Post
Oh I thought it might also help me to write down the madness of the relapse before I minimise it in my mind or somehow convince myself it wasn't that bad;

- Driving drunk, to the off-licence, at 10:30 on a Monday morning to buy 12 ciders
- Missing three days of work
- Having such vivid and horrific nightmares I suspect I may have been hallucinating
- Numerous bizarre messages and conversations online to various friends and acquaintances
- Being violently sick and worrying that if I kept throwing up I wouldn't be able to keep the alcohol inside me
- Taking five full binliners of empty cider cans to the recycling centre this morning

This is such madness, I have GOT to stop this cycle.
Your recent experience brings tears to my eyes, especially because it sounds as though this recent relapse was so potentially dangerous for you. If I recall you live in a small town and are hesitant to try AA (my apologies if I am recalling incorrectly) but I am wondering if having a sponsor wouldn't be a really good thing (I know a few AA people and I have never heard them "out" anyone; if God is an issue, I have heard them say that the HP is what you want it to be). I'm not pushing AA; I am just worried about LS; I want to see LS move forward and continue to build on that amazing progress and success he has already enjoyed.
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